Me.

Roses

2011-11-18T16:37:00.001-05:00

Lyrics to Roses :

Mos Def (feat. Georgia Anne Muldrow)

[Intro:]
"When I'm down, I just draw some roses
On a pretty piece of paper
With my red stylo pencil

Halfway through, I feel so much better
I imagine happiness, and it runs right to me, such amazing beauty
You don't have to, cut up no roses
Please just leave them living
Got my pencil, got pretty paper
Please don't worry we're forgiven"

[Chorus:]
"I have found, just the perfect feelin
Smiling cause I'm grateful
I can feel your spirit, comin closer on me
It is grand, just to be reminded
Reminded of the good things
Living in a new day, that no one can tear down
You don't have to, cut up no roses
Please just leave them living
Got my pencil, got pretty paper
Please don't worry we're forgiven"

[Verse: Mos Def]
"Yellow for friendship, red for love
Black for the universal stars above
Pink buds that I bought her on Valentine
She said it was forever then she changed her mind
I said a little prayer then I cleared my eyes
Feel the draw on my heartstrings, drawing the line
Started off with a orchid, natural portrait
I ain't Picasso but that ain't important
Faith, smart dude never graduated high school
Stay tuned I'm a show you how my art move
Shape and dimension flow and extension
Symmetry shade, blowin out the frame
Sign off my name Dante when I'm finished
Put it to your memory for permanent exhibit
Love, hard work and it's worth every minute
Abstract is still life real life kinetic"

[Chorus]

"Got my pencil, got pretty paper
Please don't worry we're forgiven
You don't have to, cut up no roses
Please just leave them living"

"When I'm down, I just draw some roses
On a pretty piece of paper
With my red stylo pencil
Almost through, I feel so much better
I imagined happiness, and it ran right to me, such amazing beauty
Got my pencil, got pretty paper
Please don't worry we're forgiven
You don't have to, cut up no roses
Please just leave them living"

Day 5

2011-06-05T22:06:00.000-04:00

Hey! Day 5 of Kevin Powell's 30 Day Fitness challenge is finito. Switched it up today went to a community (FREE) Bikram yoga class and really felt cleansed afterwards. I've really been debating how to reign in my eating and have decided to do a variation of the Subway diet. I will eat cereal for breakfast and then have a foot-long sub everyday, half for lunch, half for dinner. Also supplement with fruit and steam-fresh veggies. Something I can manage that will also help me budget and pull away from fast foods. I weighed in on Wednesday at 199lbs, precariously close to 200, I haven't been over 200 since 2006 and will keep it that way. 175 is my goal and I know I can achieve it with discipline and by putting my wellness first. 25 days to go and of course continued fitness and a healthier lifestyle to follow the month of June!

5AM Resolutions

2011-05-31T05:07:00.000-04:00

Since I'm up with the birds instead of in bed; I am resolving to do Kevin Powell's 30 Day Workout Challenge. 30 days of physical activity. I need a push. It's been a month since I've been to my gym that I'm paying a grip for. So Wednesday it begins. Will be updating daily as a means of motivation.

Touching Base

2011-04-05T02:38:00.000-04:00

April, finally! 3 weeks of Spring semester left, short break, then right into Summer Session till late June. Hopefully Cabo for 4th of July. Maybe Daytona for little cousin's HS graduation next month. These are my plans for the bulk of Spring/Summer season and I'm excited. Another summer free from working, another summer (hopefully) spending random nights in BK or taking road trips that put unnecessary mileage on my lease! I am hoping no one schedules a final April 25th so that I can go to Canada from the 22nd to the 1st of May. Fingers crossed. I miss Sasha and Seb and crazy Theresa! Mom is still everywhere but home but she's always within reach when I need her so why complain. English class can't end soon enough as the professor is everything I will never be as a teacher. These next 2 weeks I need to buckle down and finish papers and study for finals. Then I can decompress from a fairly enjoyable semester, and a highly successful 1st year of college. 2nd time's a charm, say I, newly inducted member of Phi Theta Kappa (Alpha Theta Theta chapter). I need to consider where I will transfer to obtain my BA and if I'm ready to once again venture out of state (I believe so).

On the romantic tip, it was a rocky start to the new year, I find myself letting my inner angst shine through more, being more vocal about shit I don't like, and pushing men away faster. Painful, hard to accept, sometimes hard to palette. But necessary! I can't approach relationships with my same aim to please, non-confrontational approach I apply to other aspects of my life. I need someone who can deal with my particular brand of crazy, who actually finds humor in it and a perverse attraction to it! I have really come to appreciate one person in particular, as he has come through for me for two major events and has been steady and consistent since we met this summer. As I told him, I think there's more to our story than our current friendship and I'm excited to see what may come.

Friendships have grown stronger, I am without some key players and have gained new prospects. But the usual suspects Schnovey, Xica, Nia, Steph...they are all still down. I haven't always been the best friend possible, but I have been myself, and sometimes you have to let go of people who clash with who you are at your core. Discussed this with Karen she mentioned it's good to have friends that are different than you...yea, to a point, and then it's fucking annoying.
So the future is mine to shape and embrace. I'm happy! I'm successful! My priorities are slowly shifting towards more adult endeavors, I can actually see my goals on the horizon, so life is great. The end.

Take One for the Team!

2011-03-08T18:24:00.001-05:00

My FAVORITE Lyrics right about now...

Take One for the Team - Kanye West ft. Pusha T, Cyhi The Prynce, and Keri Hilson

[Chorus: Pusha T]
Doing my thing, pocket full of green
Hand on my dick in my thousand dollar jeans
Your girl a queen, my girl a thing
You know what though?
Imma take, Imma take this one for the team

[Kanye West:]
Imma take this one for the team
G.O.O.D music
Yeah you know what
I figured out I'm not a nice guy
I shook hands, kissed babies gave it a nice try
You know what I hate pictures of other people kids
I hate plastic couches in other people cribs
I hate when other people crib's smell like shit
I hate when I leave and smell like the crib
What's the cause of the poor smell?
She said I just cleaned up - Baby I can't tell
Why every ghetto bitch gotta smell like Love Spell
Or that God-damn cucumber Bath & Body Works
I can still smell the sweat the shit hardly works
What about Cool Water that shit probably worse
This here classic like the La Di Da Di verse
And my man probably hollered at the hottie first
I scored, he took the charge
Ooooh, that shit gotta hurt

[Chorus: Pusha T]

[Pusha T:]
Nevermind me, 'Ye have fun
If the cops ask, that's my gun
That's my weed, anything you need
Imma take, Imma take, Imma take this one for the team
One fat ass, one flat ass
Nigga hit the switcheroo on my black ass
Ever seen Joe's jeans on a jackass
And my bitch got on tights with a tac ass
I'm a fly nigga and I carry on
With them bottles of that Rose and Perignon

Ever seen how a kingpin carries on
Dookie rope link chain and a herringbone
Real shit, gotta feel this
First class flights baby that's a field trip
Double date don't cooperate, kill switch
Fuck me and my man, you a real bitch

[Chorus]

[Kanye West:]
Ladies and gentleman
It's G.O.O.D music in the house
And we got Keri

[Keri Hilson:]
Boy I know you the one that I heard about
And I know you working with it through word of mouth
Guess Imma have to test your in and out
It's a dirty job but sometimes you gotta take it for the team
Take it for the team
Take it for the team
Take it for the team

(I like your mentality baby)

[Cyhi The Prynce:]
I'm blowing on sticky that come in a jar
I'm playing with her kitty made her come in the car
She a red bone but her cousin is dark
A little out of shape but you'll fuck in the dark
Until she start complaining 'bout her feet hurt
I'm trying fuck, she talking she wanna eat first
I'm like why did this bitch have to bring her
I'm tryna get her back to the nest so I can sting her
So I hit Big Sean on the ringer
I said I gotta chick for you that'd like a singer
On a scale of 1-10 she's a 15-er
Man, shoulda seen a nigga face when he seen her
He said the bitch wasn't pretty enough to finger
Though on my team she will be a fifth stringer
I said I got the fine one and the beamer
I'm the point guard and I need wing...

[Keri Hilson:]
Take it for the team
Take it for the team
Take it for the team

[Chorus]

[Kanye West:]
G.O.O.D Friday's,
It's the nigga they love to hate
But all the bad model bitches they love to date
You need to check my swag and get up to date
Check check my swag and get up to date
We in the bathroom now, she get her back blew out
She can't clean but I bet she got a vacuum mouth
And I bet I'm gon sweat her Vidal Sassoon out
Her friend busted, Gotdamn who brought the racoon out
For the team, ugh

Like we always do at this time
Like, Like we always do at this time
I go for, I got to...
Like we always do at this time
Like we always do at this time
Go for, I go to
Like we always do at this time
Like we always do at this time
Southside, we gon set this party off right
This time,
This time, yeah yeah
Mike Dean on the keys, hey
They love to hate, bad model bitches they love to date
You need to check my swag and get up to date
Check check check my swag and get up to date
Ey, it's the man they love to hate
But all the bad model bitches they love to date
They need to check my swag and get up to date
Check check check my swag and get, ugh, hey

You Probably Think This Poem Is About You

2011-01-21T01:54:00.000-05:00

You probably think this poem is about you

In fact this poem could never be about you

I've written this poem before

I've felt this disappointment before

I have even, in earnest, vowed never to be here again--before

Never have any of my poems been about you, or anyone

I've realized just now that they are always about me

The exhausting Ground Hog Day of my life

Producing the same outcome

Me, alone

Me, moving on

Me, repeating the same choices

Me, writing another rambling poem

Trying to quantify my emotions

You probably think this poem is about regret

In fact this poem could never be resentful

I've written that poem before

I've wallowed in my angst before

Turns out this poem is really about life

As I've never lived this particular life before

Every experience is welcome

Soon Come

2010-10-29T01:11:00.001-04:00

Poem for South African Women

Our own shadows disappear as the feet of thousands
by the tens of thousands pound the fallow land
into new dust that
rising like a marvelous pollen will be
fertile
even as the first woman whispering
imagination to the trees around her made
for righteous fruit
from such deliberate defense of life
as no other still
will claim inferior to any other safety
in the world

The whispers too they
intimate to the inmost ear of every spirit
now aroused they
carousing in ferocious affirmation
of all peaceable and loving amplitude
sound a certainly unbounded heat
from a baptismal smoke where yes
there will be fire

And the babies cease alarm as mothers
raising arms
and heart high as the stars so far unseen
nevertheless hurl into the universe
a moving force
irreversible as light years
traveling to the open eye

And who will join this standing up
and the ones who stood without sweet company
will sing and sing
back into the mountains and
if necessary
even under the sea:

we are the ones we have been waiting for.

Written by June Jordan (1936 - 2002)

I have been in a pause. I just started reading Alice Walker's "We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For" and she speaks of "the pause, the universal place of stopping...the universal moment of reflection." I have stopped writing and I reflect on my life's journey to this moment often. I sit in silence in my 3rd floor room and drift off into afternoon naps. I ponder deep and shallow issues at stop lights. I pause often. I feel a shift in my spirit and suddenly the thoughts and feelings I kept bottled inside are once again ready to be recorded and shared. So perhaps soon I will write again. Maybe not! But deep inside I feel that tugging and when the desire is strong enough I will submit. Life is taking interesting turns, I am rolling with it. School is going awesomely! I am pulling down As left and right and am planning on finishing my first semester strong! I am having a consuming textual relationship with someone, it fills my days with laughter and inappropriateness and I love it. Mom is still floating back and forth between here and Canada, but Gran is coming from Haiti soon so she'll be back more permanently. I am happier than sad, calmer and less frustrated. I am much closer to 30 than I once was and can look back and accept the life I've lived thus far, what a gift.

Textual Relations

2010-10-15T00:06:00.000-04:00

~~10/13/10~~ - The last two weeks I've established a textual relationship with an old crush...the chemistry is amazing. Like a volcano the vibe is casual but bubbling underneath is an emotional lava river, both of us wondering when to erupt and let it flow. Perpetual singleness can leave you in an attention-needing - slightly desperate head-space. I need to evaluate my motivations, my honest feelings. Then again aren't emotions always honest in the moment, no matter what the catalyst? I have been imagining marriage, children, my possible future with the men I've dealt with my entire life, much more seriously the past few years. Some fantasies seem more attainable than others. What am I willing to compromise in order to achieve my ideal family? How honest can we both be? And for how long? Questions like this surface when I realize I feel a way about someone.

~~10/15/10~~ - Feelings are cool. I've learned over the years not to let them get away from me. It was an interesting day. Saw my very first crush, someone I met when I was 9 years old in 4th grade and asked out on the phone (dying of embarrassment) in 5th grade, and it was like coming full circle from that shy middle-schooler to the outgoing lady I am today. We basically caught up over lunch and it was nice to know that time puts everyone on an even playing field. As far as my textual relations, he has definitely helped me stay focused on school by being my main male interest while being out of reach. He remains just that, out of reach, and the realities of that distance are realer than anything.

Bilal "Levels" Live

2010-10-12T01:11:00.000-04:00

You better get on the Bilal train!

FULL SCREENThe Sounds of VTech / Bilal: LEVELS

Fair to Middling

2010-10-12T01:07:00.002-04:00

My older cousin always replies to my "how are you" question with "fair to middling." I've been better than that since this summer and am carrying my contentment into the fall and new year. I know I have a lot of untapped potential; career potential, physical potential, life potential. I have to address all of these facets in order to claim authority over my happiness. Being in school has really helped renew my self-esteem and has given me motivation that I want to extend into an ailing arena, my health. I have always struggled with my horrendous eating habits and lack of discipline and self-control. When I was at my heaviest, it was less over-eating than the effects of medication, but still the lowest point in my exterior journey. So now that I am my average weight, I really want to push past this fair to middling body and expose my true potential! I believe I can do it, I just have to find way to reconfigure my lifestyle so that I can eat better and stay active without feeling like I'm missing out on indulgences. It's never been easy to rationalize feeling deprived or miserable chasing someone else's standard of beauty. What I'm realizing is that I want to be the leading lady in my own life, a concept I embraced from the movie "The Holiday." So I've jumped the gun and decided to recommit myself to my fitness and emotional development, (weight loss and blogging) and these are my two pre-year resolutions! 2011 get ready!

Growing Older Not Wiser

2010-09-25T22:25:00.000-04:00

My mother. My mother is both free-thinking and liberal and the most childish, emotionally stunted person. She asks me for $60, I give her $20 right away. Later she says let's make it $100. WTF. I'm on unemployment. I get less than $300 a week and have a $400 per month car note. Are you serious? Today I give her $30 more because that's all I can afford to part with. I have a life, it takes money to socialize. She comes in my room inquiring about the balance, irritated that I can't pony up the rest. She sees I'm doing homework, reading at that. She asks me if a book she brought with her is mine and I say no. She continues to say, you must read this book, if you don't you won't be a good English teacher. What? I've had to deal with her manipulative, overwhelming personality my entire life. This is why I can be so stubborn when I decide on something, because I'm hyper-defensive. As I've matured, I've tried to be more communicative and less angry with my mother but she makes that virtually impossible. I tell her to put the book in my closet on my bookshelf. She does so begrudgingly. I try to express my frustrations with her manipulative tones. She avoids my confrontation, takes the book back and closes the door. How am I supposed to be emotionally well-balanced with her as my model? I feel like her love is a blessing and at once the most detrimental force in my development. How am I to contend with her? Is the answer as easy as separating our lives, our living situation? I doubt it, she's my mother no matter the geography. I doubt therapy is something she would participate in. I can't even focus on my schoolwork right now. I have to address this.

All Matter

2010-09-18T03:01:00.000-04:00

Bilal Oliver's new album Air Tight's Revenge is incredible. I've been living off of First Born Second and his unreleased Love for Sale all of these years and finally his new music has arrived and breathed new life into me! My favorite song "All Matter" asks, with yearning, "what is love?," answers descriptively "cool on the outside hot in the middle...you ain't even gotta try, all you gotta do is realize." It's all matter. That's what life boils down to. Things composed of matter, colliding, interacting, reacting, loving. On to that oh so elusive subject - love. I feel like LL Cool J these days, needing love, hearing my conscience call. Have I ever known love? Have I ever held it in my heart and loved someone unconditionally? I doubt it. I doubt that romantic love is some latent ability that activates when you encounter your soul's mate. Highly doubt it. Instead I believe it is an accumulation of lessons you learn from significant others. This is how you should love me. This is not. And so on. My lack of relationships has me in a lurch. Not enough lessons learned, which impedes my desire to learn with anyone new! What a mess. A lonesome mess. My heart keeps telling me that I will know when someone is worth the agony, the trials of being taught to love. So I will date with trepidation, and one day fall with my eyes wide open, into the most informative experience of my life. Here's hoping.

P.S. Katie and I are going to see Bilal perform at BB King's tonight! It's going to be an amazing day I hope I have the wherewithal to blog about it!

Goodbye Summer, Come Again!

2010-09-09T01:25:00.000-04:00


Haiti

My feet and South Beach


KMack and I in BK

Tomorrow is the 3rd day of my freshman year of college. No it's not déjà vu, I'm 27 and a freshman once again :) This summer was incredible. There was hardly time for lazy days and lounging around, I was in the streets! A lot of lovely evenings were spent in BK with my homies Katie and Steph, strutting through midtown, chillen in Prospect Park, drinking at the Beer Garden or Habana Outpost. Met a nice guy out there too. June the big deal was my Hawaii trip, July was all about Brooklyn, but August - August was international! First my Uncle Glenn took me and my cousins to this awesome amusement park, Knoebels in PA for the 1st weekend of the month to celebrate me going back to school. Great times! One of the few situations where I could assume the role of a kid again! Then the Monday I returned me and mom hit the road for...Miami! We road-tripped and made it there Wednesday evening, with a kitten in the car! Mom is still crazy, nothing changing there. 3 days straight I drove to South Beach and lay comatose underneath the summer sun, bronzing and basking in the fabulosity of it all, even had an impromptu lunch with a friend from Jersey. Bought way too many beach towels but that's another story. That Saturday, the 13th, we hopped a plane to...wait for it...haven't been there in 6 years...my mom was born there...that's right...HAITI! It wasn't the wreckage and misery CNN would lead you to believe. I believe that every time I visit Haiti I'm seeing it with different eyes. I went often as a child, then at 10, 18, 21, and now at 27. So many life experiences and so much maturity divide those landmarks. So each-time is a first time. Mom and I went to visit my grandma Monday and stayed till Wednesday. The heat and mosquitoes made it a long, long, visit. We were in Haiti 6 days total but I really want to go back next year, it's a part of me and I always feel a renewed sense of self and purpose when I come back to the states. Best. Summer. Ever...so far ;)

On Schedule

2010-07-30T18:43:00.000-04:00

I am officially back in school! Yesterday I paid my first tuition installment and today I completed my course selection. Last night I cleaned out my binders of notes from classes I took over 7 years ago. It felt good, a clean slate. My money is funny right now but I couldn't be happier. Excited to do back to school shopping, the first day of school, learning again! Essex County College is the best choice for my situation and I have full faith I'll have my Associates in Education within the next 2 years. Hopefully I'll get an extension on my unemployment so I can focus on classes and transitioning back into student life. If I have to work part-time, I've set up my schedule to be off Fri, Sat, and Sun so it can be done. The future is getting brighter, I feel encouraged and so much love and support from family and friends, and today is the first day of the rest of my life!

Check-In

2010-07-07T22:48:00.000-04:00

(June 14th) School is not going as smoothly as I thought. I feel like I'm doing it all alone. When I told my mother she didn't exude all the enthusiasm I'd anticipated. I applied for FAFSA but I'm not eligible for a Pell Grant and I don't know how to proceed from there and tuition is due Monday for Summer Session II. Maybe I'll have to wait till Fall just so that my money will be right. On that same subject, I had to rob Peter to pay Paul just to make it to Hawaii to see my boy Brad get married, but I made it and it was all worth it. Since returning from Hawaii on Tuesday I've stayed in the house. It's cheaper, and money is gonna be tight for a while :/ It is what it is. Unemployment is freeing and limiting all at once. I don't know how my mood is right now. I feel highs and lows all within the same day.

(Today) I'm already losing motivation for school :/ But beyond my indifference I may have to put it on the back-burner again because I just applied for a para (teacher's aide) position in NYC. I have my fingers crossed. I wasn't looking to return to work so soon but this would give me work experience in my field so I am taking a chance. I've spent the last 2 weeks in the city A LOT and I'm really starting to love it, so it would be awesome to work there and have an entirely new relationship with NY. Mom and I are finally on good terms again. As well as I can hold animosity and resentment for her, it is emotionally exhausting and it hurts me to feel that way for long periods of time. Our main issue is something we will have to continually work on, communication. I berate her for excluding me from some aspects of her life but when I have certain feelings I hold them in and let them fester instead of constructively expressing myself. One thing I have always realized is that my mother loves me unconditionally and maybe it will take me one day becoming a mom to understand how that love works.

Schooling the Youth

2010-05-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

Like that Monster.com add, today was the day. I applied for FAFSA and Essex County College. Not difficult, but until today, not ready either. Something went wrong with my application fee payment so I'll check on that in the morning, but if all goes well I'll be in classes in July. What a long journey. I haven't been in school since...errr um...2003. So I'm humbled and excited because I will be on track to complete my higher education and becoming, an educator. As much as people have tried to encourage me, my brother Brad is one of the few people that knows just how to talk to me, so that I get things done. He's getting married next month, June 13th to be exact, in Hilo, Hawaii. It's going to be a miracle paying for this trip and staying on top of my car note, bills, etc., but I promised and I wouldn't miss this for anything. If he ends up getting remarried later on in life, I will NOT be in attendance, he knows this!
As far as being unemployed since March, it's a blessing. I can remain on Unemployment, go to school full-time, and get my Associates ASAP. I'm going to be majoring in Education, then English when I transfer to a 4-year, probably Rutgers (most of my family including my dad went to RU so why not!). I'm highly optimistic. And finally motivated. Today is the day :)

Oh Canada

2010-04-25T02:25:00.001-04:00

I'm in Montreal. Been up here since April 16th, gonna be here till May 5. Visiting my mom's bff and her 3 sons whom I've known all my life and therefore call my cousins. I'm having a good time. The last time I came up I was with my brother Jesse, and was not in a good head space at all. Let's be real I was deep in a depression back in '03 and didn't have a good time, at all. 7 years is long time and thankfully I'm healthy and in great spirits. I've been enjoying the quality time with moms and taking in some of the charm of Quebec. One thing I've realized while in another country is that pop culture is not some general knowledge that crosses all cultural bounds. It is very particular to age, race, culture, exposure, etc. My sense of humor doesn't always translate (literally and figuratively) up here. Case in point, I had to Youtube a Colt 45 commercial to show my cousin who Billy D. Williams was so that I could then explain a reference ("works every time") someone made while I was playing poker on Facebook. Long story long, it dawned on me that no, everyone does not know who the smoothest black man in America is! What a revelation. So in a personal sense it's a further reminder that the world that revolve around me and the way that I interact with it. Culture is pockets of subjective perspectives, joined together in the human experience. While in Canada I'm realizing a lot of things, how much I missed out on by not having siblings, and that my grasp of French isn't completely gone, and also that spring time up here has its redeeming qualities, but these people need to get a grip, hockey isn't all that!

Fixation

2010-04-06T05:11:00.003-04:00

This morning I need to talk about body image. I just finished watching a documentary "America the Beautiful" about our fixation on unrealistic standards of beauty. It struck a nerve with me especially now that the summer season is upon us and suddenly Facebook is inundated with stats touting gym, diet, and other things no one really worries about in the winter. I have always felt like the biggest girl in every circle. When I had a larger chest it was on the back-burner as I was being sexualized so that I didn't have a chance to feel fat. When I was the smallest I've been in my adult life it was only after having an emotional breakdown my first year of college, I was skinny because of stress. Not a good time to feel beautiful. My body image has been fairly regular, having my most difficult times from middle through high school when I had a 36DDD chest. Since 18 and my breast reduction, (now a 38D) I've been fixated on my stomach. It's never flat, I feel like if it just disappeared I would be beautiful. My clothes would fall correctly and I would be attractive and sexy. After removing parts of my breasts in an unnecessary surgery I still don't feel pretty. Think about it. It's fucked up. I always say to people, I love my body except my stomach. My stomach should be the part I love the very most. It is my womanhood. I hope to one day bear children and it will become my crowning glory, growing life, nurturing a being. A wise man once said:

B*tches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a n*gga, "You f*cked up my self-esteem." B*tch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your motherf*ckin' self. How am I gonna f*ck up how you feel about you simple b*tch?

That wise man was Katt Williams. Beyond the crude language, he has a point. It's impossible at the end of the day to blame outside sources for how I feel about myself. I can pinpoint influences that have been negative or of detriment, but only I wake up everyday and critique my body in my full length mirror before I go into the shower. Only I obsess over my stomach in bed at night, wishing it away, only I feel insecure when men tell me I'm beautiful. That's me. I do a lot of self degradation with little outside help. The media may fuel the flame, my mother may ignite my fire at times, but only I keep it burning. And so even as I have a date this morning with my friend Schnovey to go walking and shop for a fruit and veggies only diet (she also hates only her tummy), I do so with trepidation. I have very unhealthy eating habits and I know that if I had a weaker constitution I could fall victim to an eating disorder, it's a slippery slope. So this spring and summer I am going to work on building my self esteem, feeling less paranoid in society (I'm EXTREMELY self-conscious always feeling like people are dissecting me, it informs my actions when driving sometimes, I have anxiety at red lights wondering if the next car is looking at me, it's crazy!) and loving every part of me everyday. Even if I aspire to lose weight and change my outward appearance, I want and need to maintain a positive self image. Forever. Period.

Handling Difficult Situations

2010-02-24T08:15:00.000-05:00

I suck at life. Have I started a blog with this line before? Probably. Today more than any day I am really internalizing this statement. It's fucked up how much I blame my mother for my misery. Her absence has sent me spiraling into this emotional free-fall with no ability to brace myself for impact. She was supposed to be home today. Instead she decided to stay in Miami for an undisclosed amount of time. She ran away from her problems. Simple and plain. It just so happened the worst natural disaster in the history of her native country happened in the interim. I wonder how much she has learned in her 53 years, and I pray I don't repeat many of her poor choices. Our lives are bound together through finance, emotion, and obligation. We have a bizarre dynamic where many times I play the parental role then regress emotionally to match her immaturity. It's exhausting. Sometimes she's a wonderful mom, that mom my friends used to envy when I was growing up because she was so fun and relaxed. I know I missed out on many life lessons from her, things like discipline and self-control. She has some enabling qualities, and many issues with money management. She's a very unique, free spirit, can be so loving, dynamic and charming, but she has these glaring emotional disabilities, and in this way we're just alike. Oh God. I'm so much like her. I have to assert myself when she comes home, take the reigns of my life, and cut the fucking cord. I'm 3 years from 30 and my life is floundering in mediocrity. I see so many opportunities, paths, choices I can make. I need her to help me get there. I need her to be there for me just long enough for me to get out of here. I need her to grow up, if only for a little while.

Workplace Tension

2010-01-28T15:03:00.000-05:00

...is the dumbest kind of tension. It is so insignificant in the grand scheme of life, and for someone like me who completely forgets all about work once I clock out, it's pretty entertaining. I just don't care. I have a pretty laid back job that involves sitting in front of a computer, printing wedding registries, registering couples, helping them decide on china patterns, and ringing up customers in the home store of Macy's. All in all a fluff job with a decent pay for someone who has yet to finish college. Now, all that said, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to effectively perform said duties. I'm no Einstein, but I am very intelligent and more computer literate than anyone in my department, save my manager [he happens to be in school for IT]. My skills are vital to moving things along much of the time. I'm everyone's go-to for computer/printer issues and even some register functions. Therefore I can see how sometimes my technological IQ can be intimidating. I am the youngest person in my dept. [only 7 people including me], my manager just turned 30. The next closest in age is 40 and then it goes all the way up to 73 or so. No one here is really a peer that I would socialize with in my natural environment. And therefore many typical tensions may arise. Racial, socio-economic, generational, these differences cause undue complications on a day to day basis;

*people hold in stupid things they think you did and bring them up with such a passive-aggressive casual accusation it makes me want to die laughing.

*some people are simply over-qualified for this position and refuse to tone down their professionalism. There is such a thing as being too good. It's just Macy's.

*I simply do not get paid enough to care enough to do too much. Period. Cut the check!

*I enjoy customer service but only when the customer respects me as a person doing a job and not a servant fulfilling my destiny. Get a grip you ignorant insult to humanity.

But even after all of that, the people at this job are like a second family. Sometimes we argue and don't like each other so much, but there's something about the workplace that causes you to be more open about your personal life than is necessary or even appropriate. A bond is formed and a professional love develops. Some of these people I will never forget.

Unconsciously

2010-01-12T06:25:00.000-05:00

I wrote this poem 7/4/00, 3 weeks later I met Benito. Life is funny.

I am desperately seeking. At times I'm positive it's ineffable. Substitutions are titled boyfriends, then exes, then bitter memories and anger, frustration, the lack of an adequate vocabulary. I look elsewhere, for things less tangible and flawed, a concept, an emotional destination similar to inner-peace. At times I think I'm crazy or depressed and cringe because the act of allowing the notion to run rampant in my thought process makes me sane. I desperately seek a loophole. Instant mental health. Void of this torturous, pathetic, self-evaluation. I'm devoured by confusion and fatigue. I need options. Constantly. I'm lackadaisical, dare I say indifferent, overly sentimental and easily influenced. Weak yet stubborn, free and savagely limited. I'm ordinary AMPLIFIED, chaos condensed, packed in this shell pretentious people judge recklessly. I'm a hopeless romantic, who can effortlessly distance myself from human affection. I probably won't call you when I'm supposed to. I'll stare at the caller I.D. in suffocating disappointment, you irritate me, don't love me, hate me or submerge yourself in your own existence. Don't embrace me, not until I've found what I'm seeking. - Pascalle Arnold

13 on the phone---

2010-01-12T05:53:00.001-05:00

I think that in a way, Brian is like a (the first word that comes to mind is) box. I pour myself into him and he closes. - Excerpt from my diary dated 5/10/96

I still have little to no ability to communicate effectively with men. When I was a teenager, and had my very first crush, talking on the phone was always a disaster. Absolutely awkward. Where most households are filled with conversation and social conditioning, mine was much quieter and introverted, my father would work on his computer, watch TV, sleep, and I would be left to my own devices. So when it came to meaningless banter, I was at a loss. A complete and utter, painfully uncomfortable loss. Looking back on it, I feel the same uneasy embarrassment as I did while listening to my object of desire breath on the phone. I always waited for them to initiate conversation. Now talking on the phone is a talent, relating to men in a social setting is instinctual, but expressing deep emotions and frustrations brings me back to that place in my mind, 13, no experience with boys, nothing to say and no knowledge of how, even if I did. It frustrates me because I am so connected to my thoughts when writing, they ease out of my psyche with form and purpose, but when in the presence of someone whom I love or care for, I am bone dry. It's an irony that is not lost on me, yet a handicap I cannot conquer.

Do Not Pass Go

2010-01-09T15:25:00.000-05:00

Some situations just cry out, no hell no! Do not swoop down and try to help this person, they do not pass go, they do not collect $200. No matter what your history is with a person, as soon as you make the first realization that they have lied to you with the ease of say, slipping into a coma, you immediately approach every "emergency" they have with warranted trepidation. In layman's terms, it's not a go. When things seem etch-a-sketchy and your intuition tells you to stay your ass at home, hang up the phone, put that mess on silent, and stay in your PJs. I'm responsible for no one but me. Especially when I don't trust you as far as I can throw you. Naw boo boo, being cute ain't cutting it in the '10s, I'm grown and getting older, can't and won't do it. Can't roll the dice on my own piece of mind :o/

100% Funky

2010-01-09T00:28:00.000-05:00

If I had to keep it 100 and/or keep it funky, as is the common request these days, this would be the state of affairs on the dating front. The honest truth is startling, and can be hard to accept, but it is what it is! I have a lot of loose ends, a lot of unfinished business with many different people, of whose feelings I can't speak for, but overall I can conclude that none of these men are the one for me. In the interest of being direct and getting to the heart of each situation, I will only allow one sentence per person to illustrate what I feel is the lowdown.

Benito: Though difficult to sum up in one sentence, he is the antidote to my happiness, his personal instability and drama keep me feeling inexplicably obligated to be there for him.

Lenny: He is the biggest disappointment seeing as he was my archetype of true love for so long, sadly in adulthood he turned out to be a trifling adulterer.

Dontes: Has just resurfaced in my life after being locked up again, and he seemingly still has feelings for me, only the shallow/superficial part of me finds this appealing.

Michael: I wish I liked him as much as I want to, certain aspects of his personality turn me off, although I'll say he is the best match for me at this point in my life.

Sahir: Is an amalgamation of every guy I've dealt with and regretted, my attraction to him is causing me to make many, many, many poor decisions.

Justin: I am a glutton for guys that just aren't that into me, I realize he has his reasons for keeping me at arms reach but it has taken quite the emotional toll over the years.

Terrence: I can honestly say I love Terrence more than any guy, in a healthy way, and his being in my life has been a blessing, if only he weren't so religious.

Kelvin: I really like his novelty, he's so unique, intelligent, and we go on genuine dates, he's a keeper most definitely.

Zackery: Had it not been for his misgivings with personal hygiene, we might still be together, he had a passion for me that is yet unparalleled and inspired me to no end.

And yet, NONE of these prospects has ever really breached the topic of a committed relationship, not w/o ulterior motives or some incongruities in the dating time-line, or worst of all, me initiating the discussion. It's all so disheartening, to think that I am not the kind of girl that a man would want to lock down and forsake his single status on Facebook, makes you reconsider your market value, if you know what I mean, and that's as funky as it gets.

Publish Post

2 days off

2010-01-07T02:33:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got some errands done [plates/registration for the new whip] and went to happy hour @ TGIF with Schnovey. It was great. We always have ridiculous amounts of fun together. That's my homey. After that I went to my Grandmother's house and brought her a gift I'd had for her. We talked for awhile. When I brought up wanting to have 4 kids she said are there any prospects? I said yea maybe one person except he's really religious [like her] and I don't want my children to grow up religiously oppressed, or forced to believe something w/o learning all that's out there. She said that was "the devil" and I decided to forfeit the conversation. I don't know what made me think that she was going to be open-minded about the fact that I'm not that beat for the greatest story ever told. I left her house with another photo album to scan into my computer and a Lenox figurine of a black woman/angel with a baby. I actually hate Lenox figurines because that off white/cream color they use is so dated and the pieces are usually hideous. Leaving her home I went to hang with my sweety Terrence. His boy Romaine was there, we had a good time hanging out, he's one of my favorite people, I tell him that all the time. The next day I took him downtown so he could see about a new gig and he got me Subway, when I got home it was a wrap I was knocked the fuck out. I had a weird dream, someone was getting married on the first floor of the beautiful southern style home with huge rooms and a wrap-around porch and my mother and cousin Mookie were there. Last night I had a dream about Justin, which was equally weird, but judging by the way he treated me in that dream, it had a lot of truth in it and I take it as a warning. Listen to your dreams people! If of course, you can remember them [sometimes I can't]. Anyhow back to work, hope I see some cuties tomorrow [one in particular]!

The Great [borough? city?] of Long Island

2010-01-02T02:21:00.000-05:00

Naw didn't go to Long Island. But had the damnedest time tryna have a good time tonight! I got home from work and was determined to go out and enjoy myself. First day of 2010, need to get it poppin, right? Mannnn, I see my play cousin Jessie is going to support his pops down in Clark. So I drag my homey Schnovey and we roll down there. It's at the Crown Plaza Hotel...as soon as we pull in our parking space some dude hops out his pickup with a Kangol and a navy blue stepper suit on, that should have been all the warning we needed! We get into the lobby and the party is non-existent, at 11:30, J arrives shortly after, we all take a group pic and decide to go to TFIG on 22. Mannnn, it's stuffed to the gills up in there. But we're next so we say let's wait <@ 12am> until a table opens up. Finally one does and these two big burly bitches, who already had two stools at the bar, tell me that they were waiting for the table. They sit their wack asses down and we are left to wait at the bar. I hated on them the entire night, many Hungry Hungry Hippo references were made! They weren't even having a good time with eachother, what a waste. Meanwhile we had a ball at the bar ki-ki-ing it up. A little after 1am we finally get a table but the kitchen is closed. We left immediately after only having had 3 Long Islands and an order of fries. But it was exactly what I needed, if you can't party like a rock star, atleast laugh like a lunatic.

Release

2010-01-01T17:40:00.000-05:00

Let me take a moment to just let it all go. 365 days of life. Is now another entry in the annals of existence. And life goes on. I have to be honest when I say, I don't know. Am I still moving to Arizona? Don't know. Am I going to go back to school soon? Don't know. Will I find love and start a family? Don't know. I just don't have a clue, I don't feel the need to pressure myself with the gravity of all these answers. I'm ok with not knowing. The one certainty in life IS uncertainty. I have learned this lesson many fold. I think I am stuck in the past sometimes. My mind is there, replaying my emotional lows, projecting those failures in my mind's eye, while my shell of a self goes through the motions in the now. There's a disconnect. I don't know how to be present in my life, because to me it's all so insignificant. My job, my house, this new car, none of it matters. My spirit is flickering, desperate for new places, new people, new sunsets, new moments of reflective silence. I want to revive myself. I want to forge ahead on a path even I didn't foresee, and finally feel that I am one whole being, alive in life.

My move was based on me wanting to separate myself from my mother, a necessary part of growing up and for my personal emotional health. Then she jetted off to Haiti in November. She's not returning till February maybe. As I spent every Holiday somewhere other than home, I imagined that this is what happens when you no longer have any parents left, you lean on friends, you find a place somewhere, and wish you could be with the people who loved you the most. It hurt, and initially the feelings were masked in anger and resentment, but I have moved on to a loneliness and searching. I need someone to love. Neither of my parents were equipped with the kind of emotive love that I so desperately desire to know, my father protected me, my mother encouraged me. But I don't have a model of how to love on a basic level, I had no sibling from which to learn this ability, I feel like it is to my detriment. At some point, all of my human relationships break down and I fill in the gaps with cold indifference. That's my logic overcompensating. I'm kind of like a computer and I don't compute certain emotions. Not really. It might seem dramatic but I need to learn how to love. First though, I'll simply let go of 2009.

Heavy.

2009-11-17T04:12:00.000-05:00

My thoughts are deliberate and scattered, like an aerial view of people milling about in a suburban mall. Intersecting, wandering, entering and exiting my mind, an endless carousel of life's musing. Some thoughts weigh heavily. I think of certain people and moments that stay suspended in my mind's eye. The atmosphere and emotions are all still so palpable yet just out of arm's reach, alive with tones, colors, sentiments.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.

Only When You're Lonely

2009-10-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

I am an only child. No one else in this world has the same two parents, and no one ever will. My childhood was comfortable but instead of always being around cousins and having play-dates with friends I spent a lot of time alone, with my imagination. I'm thankful for my learned independence and ability to be completely content alone, yet I have considered how my singular adolescence has informed my interactions with people into adulthood. Let's be real, I can be very fickle and mood, distant and indifferent. My best girlfriend for 12 years, called her my sister, I got to a point of complete disdain with, and just cut her off w/o regard to love or loyalty. I'm never as emotionally attached as I seem, and in relationships, never really in love. My father raised me, a lot of times on his own, and affection was hard won. Those spare instances were so rare that the only time he said I love you twice in a day was the night before he passed away.

The Dating Game

2009-07-30T00:09:00.000-04:00

This past week I've been compelled to join e-harmony & blacksingles.com. For some reason something told me to make myself more available to new people. Well the payoff has been swift and immediate. This evening I was contacted by a very handsome gentleman on blacksingles (sorry but e-harmony is a waste of money) and if nothing else he made me smile and gave me that feeling that I should not settle, as I have been dealing with all of these relics from the past. I also joined these sites with the hopes that I could connect and maybe befriend a few people from the Phoenix area, so that perhaps my social calendar wouldn't be as barren when I get there next year (one can dream, right?)

Mos Def Concert Tickets - Electric Factory in Philadelphia, PA

2009-07-29T20:58:00.001-04:00

Mos Def Concert Tickets - Electric Factory in Philadelphia, PA

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Writer's Block

2009-07-27T10:41:00.000-04:00

I've really wanted to blog for a month now. I kept postponing it thinking that once I transfer my Myspace blog I'll be ready. But I printed out my Myspace for backup and it was well over 30 pages. There's 3 years of steady blogging trapped on the Space. Ugh, the thought of transferring each one is overwhelming. I have also felt like even though I've had emotional moments and deep thoughts and great events to discuss, something inside was keeping me from feeling so inclined. It's weird, but that's also how I feel about my own personal writing. My poetry, I haven't written a new poem in Godknowswhen. It's an uncomfortable feeling when people praise my writing ability and I think to myself I haven't written anything in forever. I feel like it's a disservice to myself and to the people that believe in my talent. Like why haven't I pursued any work in that field? I know I'm not the most motivated person but I should be doing more with the gifts I have. I'll try to work on that.

Anyhow quick re-cap of the past months since my FAB trip to Cabo.

-Came back from Cabo couldn't get back in the swing of work.
-I was approaching 2 years natural, but by the end of May, I had cut and straightened my hair into a fierce style but when it was curly, it looked a mess.
-I had to perm it. Since then, it's been a steady trip down short hair lane and now I'm on my Halle Berryyy, Halle Berry. I love it, I feel free and happy.
-I plan on going natural again and doing it right.
-Benito has disrespected me for the last time. I told him I would take his ass to court, he owes me a sum of money, and he has till April 2010 to pay me back. I feel no need to communicate with him anymore.
-The rest of my love life is uneventful. And summer is almost over! Boo-hunting on overdrive, lol!

::AZ 360::

2009-04-23T01:49:00.000-04:00

I've already informed most of my close friends and now I'm discussing it for posterity. I'm moving to Arizona next year. Beginning May 1st my plan will be in motion and I will be in Arizona April, 2010. Ever since I discussed it with mom, and she responded with emphatic enthusiasm, my resolve has been solidified. I've been feeling ecstatic and relieved, and now I know that this is the best decision I've ever made. I've been feeling trapped in a rut for the past couple of years and continually disappointed that I have not returned to school. But what better way to kick start my life than a new state, a new start, and perpetual sunshine? Many people say why Arizona, why not ATL or Florida? Honestly I've always been fascinated by Arizona, the desert climate, the sunsets, the culture. And it's on the other side of the country, it's an adventure. I've been doing a lot of research and am not going into this blindly. I've lived on my own before but it was 7 years ago and I was young and stressed out. 26 is the perfect age. It means a lot to me. It symbolizes many significant milestones in my history. My mother was 26 when she had me, this year marks 13 years since my father's passing - I have lived exactly 1/2 of my life with him and 1/2 without. It boggles the mind. And for some reason, I feel like this year calls for a grand gesture, a daring choice. With all of that said, maybe I won't like it, maybe I won't succeed...New Jersey will always be here, that's a fact. I'm tired of Jersey, the winters depress me, and I feel like there's nothing to keep me here (of course I'll miss family and friends!). At least I'm making my life's story interesting and keeping the pages turning, and like my hair idol Jill Scott crooned "Living my life like it's GOLDEN!"

Take It On the Chin

2009-04-14T21:08:00.000-04:00

Listening to Wendy Williams @ lunch today, she stated that studies show women with longer chins (a male trait) tend to be more promiscuous and less faithful due to more testosterone in their systems. I mean, I've never been loose but I also haven't been in any long term committed relationships. It makes me wonder if looking like my father has caused me to have some masculine values. Perhaps it's moreso because I was raised by him, and never was exposed to emotional vulnerability and tenderness...TBC...

"All I do is dress, and rest."

2009-03-06T01:26:00.000-05:00

Howyoudoin'? I only have 6 days until I am on my flight to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico for 5 days of R & damn R! Well needed and highly anticipated... yes - prepared for, NO. I just, just ordered my wardrobe for the trip from Old Navy online, whom I do most of my summer shopping with, (cheap and disposable, and I know my sizing in everything). I did express 2-day, but because I ordered just now, who knows if it will arrive Monday or Tuesday? Ah well, still need sandals, a new digital camera, and a big ass beach hat. But, since I'm off this Friday, and up anyway, I made a quick collage of the items I ordered so that I could go shopping for extras before it arrives. Don't you love it. It says, laid back, colorful, cute. That's me. And for the value, can't beat it. 17 items for $200, I'm not new to this! Anyhow I am so thankful for this trip, my job, my cool ass manager that cushioned the 5 days with 3 scheduled days off so that I won't be anywhere near Macy's for 8 straight days. Who's bad? I plan on taking bukoo vacation videos this time around and going whale watching as well (apparently this is the season), also hitting up the spa. But mostly, I want to luxuriate on the beach with a piña colada and forget about all of my angst. I just want to enjoy myself, it's ME time!!!!!

Whatevs

2009-03-05T00:44:00.001-05:00

Here are the constants in my relationship equation: I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, until of course, I'm not, then I try to be with someone that's very effusive and attentive and it's all too much. I need a balance, I can't and do not have the ability to have either extreme. I've been conditioned by the few male influences in my life to be a bit emotionally reserved, it always comes off as aloof and indifferent, when really, I think situations over with such manic repetition, it's a problem. But verbalizing how I feel, is more of a problem, because as much as someone wants you to be real, they don't realize how real I can be without filters (Brad knows, lol). And I'm at my core a considerate person. I play things out, like 3 steps ahead, and usually veto the first thoughts that come to mind. And so. I'm single, and really, not very optimistic since I am still, still? still. dealing with someone from 9 years ago. When I was a completely different person. Someone whom I vaguely remember. And yet my naivete has kept me chained to this person. For years. Without ANY progress. It's, depraved. It's wrong. It's my choice. And yet - if I had the balls to say the things I really want to say to him when they come to mind, he would be out of my life. Or if I had never called him after months of not speaking, or not answered the phone when he did the last fucked up thing. At all of these bookmarks in the life of this relationship, I could have closed this chapter of my life, but I keep flipping back to the first page, as if the story is going end differently, it's not! I know, I know. Anyhow this rant is just so that I can know how I felt about this on this night, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow. Whatever.

Let Me Tell You Something...

2009-03-02T21:59:00.001-05:00

Lately, I've been beginning many a statement with "let me tell you something about life", in a sassy/sarcastic, about to say something borderline snarky, kind of way. Oh and honey I feel these 26 years now. Sore muscles, long days, "the future" seeming like a shorter period of time than it used to. I'm no longer in the formative years of my 20s, I now feel like I'm hurdling towards 30 without many accomplishments or safety nets. But it does afford me the opportunity to impress myself, to see exactly how much I can accomplish before the next decade of my life. I'm pretty comfortable in life right now. None of my relationships with men are on a relationship track, but that's ok. No, really. I just want to move though! I want to pick up and skip town, especially as this winter weather drags on and on. It's depressing, drains me of what motivation I might have had, and keeps me from being as active as I know I need to be. This spring/summer, I'm going to find another gym and get down to my goal weight finally (170). Why not?
I feel myself really being myself lately. I mean, I'm in my own skin. What I'm saying is, I'm growing up. I have more set views, a little less patience, but still so many hopes, interests, and questions. I'm doin Rihanna, "live ya life". I am highly optimistic, and happy. I am blessed, and grateful for the things I have. I am getting my finances in order, and planning for major purchases, etc. But on my day to day, it's like this, life is like a box of chocolates honey. And I love chocolate.

2009. Deadline.

2009-01-15T00:43:00.000-05:00

Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.

I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.

I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but

I am going to Cabo in 2 months

and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.

There are new people in my life. But none of them make me feel the way I feel just being around Benito, burning him a CD, us riding in my car listening to Boot

Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.

BoA

2008-12-31T09:02:00.001-05:00

Bank of America has siphoned at least 400 dollars of my hard earned money in the couple years I've been a customer. Due to DAMN overdraft fees. Yo $35 a pop ain't no joke. And no, I would not benefit from overdraft protection because I just started using my savings and I can't trust that there will always be enough to cover me. The thing that irks me though, and makes me feel like this whole system was intentionally designed to make me look like I am some irresponsible spender, is how one day you check your balance and are in the black, and the next day they have completely rearranged your purchases and laid it out so that you are out a GRIP. It hurts and I physically react whenever I have to give this bank my money. I have been doing so well. But since I bought my tires my account was a little lower than usual, and bam! They got me. My advice, don't spend over a holiday weekend using debit/credit, it will not work out the way you figured in your head. Painful, painful lesson learned. Anyway, to lick my wounds and ease my nausea and feeling of helplessness, I bought a new phone! I'm so glad I waited, last time I checked it on Sprint, it was $129 after rebates blah blah. I got it for $99 straight out after $200 instant savings for upgrading. It's a cute phone, (LG Lotus) QWERTY keyboard finally. I'm gonna give my mom my old phone (originally hers anyway) so that I can throw her current one out of the window.

*Sidenote* Benito's back on the scene. No comment.

'09 Resolutions

2008-12-14T09:34:00.003-05:00

OK...soooo, '08 wasn't GREAT in the way that I had projected, but it was GOOD. I accomplished 3 (register to vote, concerts, birthday party) of the 10 resolutions I made last year. But FAILED terribly at the other 7:

2. Learn to Sew

3. Lose 17 lbs
4. Fix up my Acura
5. Get back into school
6. Write more
7. Read more
8. Learn how to play the piano

These are still in effect for the new year. What I will modify is that I am aiming to:

1. Fully pay off 3 or more of my bills by April (improve credit score).
2. A NEW CAR (most likely certified pre-owned).
3. Lose (at least) 10 lbs by March for my trip to Cabo! (I am currently 194 lbs).
4. Be more cultured (museums, plays, arts).
5. Re-design my bedroom! (new flooring, wall color, furniture pieces).

The things that I did not resolve to accomplish but I feel deserve honorable mention are that I only had sex 3 times this entire year. Only one time was worth it (howudoin'), but atleast I thought about it each and every time. Also, I have been at my new job for 9 months now and not having any issues (other than tardiness). I have a positive self image and am considering relationships in a more serious way, slowly. And I have maintained my natural hair with no intention of backtracking. So I feel I have grown, and would really like to continue into '09 with strength, courage & wisdom.

SWEEEET.

As Seen on T.V.

2008-12-09T00:33:00.001-05:00

This month has been all about products that you've seen on T.V. First, I was up at 5AM one night last week, having an insomniac moment, and ended up ordering The Wave by The Firm system.

After it processed I was like...did I just do that (Urkel style)?! Then I decided that since the work-out system was on it's way (I'm sending it back b4 the 30 days though, trust), let me finally try Dr. Ian Smith's Fat Smash Diet. I've had that book 4ever and all that's been stopping me is my anxiety with supermarket shopping. It's a problem.

And finally, I was at Rite-Aid and bought the Ped-Egg (only $10). I swear by that thing! It brought the heels of my feet back to life! I was shocked. Passed it on to my mama.

All of these purchases are in the hopes that I can get it right, get it tight for CABO SAN LUCAS in March (tryna drop that same 10-20 lbs). Yes darlings, I'm going to Cabo for spring break with the travel buddies (Nia & Julisa)! Can NOT wait. I am so ready to soak up some sun and forget that my life is not where I want it to be. This is the resort! Viva MEXICO!

I really think I'm going to move out of New Jersey soon. I wanted to get everything together then settle somewhere else but now I feel like maybe I need a new start to get started. Something I'm debating.

Every time I get into a relationship I immediately start to feel like I just trapped myself. Maybe that's why I dealt with Benito so long, cause it was never anything official, I guess if it had been I would have ran away a long time ago. I just have attachment issues, I feel like I love and care for Zackery but I still have a lot of walls up. I don't know how to open up any more. But he's so loving and different than the rest I feel that it's worth the effort, but it's not my natural instinct, at all.

Affirmative Action

2008-11-09T16:29:00.002-05:00

Clearly, I haven't blogged in a grip. I've been away from the computer living my life. And when I did try to get on the space, my CPU was acting brand new. So needless to say a lot of things have developed since I last blogged, I'm just gonna go down the line.

I met someone Oct. 18 and by Halloween we became a couple. Things happen that way in life. I can't explain it, it's not like we rushed into it we just don't want to date other people, so nothing else about our relationship is on the fast track it's just dating with agreed commitment. I'm happy, it feels natural and uncomplicated, sincere and honest, and I love getting to know him and spending time with him.

Nov. 1st I went to NJPAC with the boo and saw Spike Lee & Terrence Blanchard (google him baby) and Terrence performed and conducted a lot of scores from some of Spike's more popular movies, that was a dope experience. BILAL was there!

Yea, Barack man, (Xic, the PA trip was all worth it and I'm so glad it was with you because it was a terrible, wonderful , crazy/beautiful day!) I went to vote with my mom and as I watched CNN I teared up. But it's like, I couldn't see him NOT winning, it was not an option. So I am inspired to DO BETTER (Steph) in my life. Other than that, still working for the man @ Macy's getting great discounts, and that about it. I'll get back in the blogging swing.

Farewell

2008-10-01T05:46:00.000-04:00

Aw damn, this is NO GOOD. My gym, Contours Express, IS CLOSED. I'd noticed that all the signage was down when I'd passed by lately, but thought nothing of it. Today as I was walking to the ATM I passed the front and there the sign said CLOSED. This gym saved me, brought me back from the brink. When I first joined 3 years ago, I was 233lbs, I lost over 45 lbs thanks to that gym, and regained my self confidence and athletic stamina. And now, after having fallen off for over a year, I was just considering rejoining to finally achieve my goal weight of 175 (I'm currently 190) and I don't even have a gym to join. The owner Gwen, lives across the street from me! I would ask her why but I can assume it just wasn't growing as a business the way she needed it to. So my next options are Bally's and/or Jenny Craig. I refuse to gain weight this winter, no hibernating storing up fat. What I wanna do is get right then when it gets hot be like BAM. What bitch. LOL. But we shall see, have to be motivated and dedicated, two things I lack at times. Goodbye Contours, thank you for everything!!!

WOW.

2008-09-30T02:50:00.000-04:00

So, when we last left off, I'd just had a cute convo with Mr. Rite Aid. I went home, lit my candle, the week went on. Mind you, I stopped at Rite Aid (2) more times this week trying to run into him, no dice. It was getting to the point where I was thinking - what else can I buy in here!
Today I figured since it was Monday again he'd probably be there, and indeed he was! I went in, grabbed some random stuff, and got on line. He was standing in front of me and didn't notice me for a while then he looked back, did a double take, then asked me how I was, and asked how it went with my candle. I tried to sound casual. So that was it though, he initiated convo then it died. So I left.
Then I got home and felt stupid, even considered calling Rite Aid!!! Instead I called my homie Xica to confirm whether or not I should have asked him about his status. She encouraged me to GO BACK to Rite Aid and ask him what the dealy-yo? So I did. Of course, he's not near the register, but the cashier is mad cool and I ask her if he's single she says I don't know let me go get him. But it turns out he's in the back PRAYING because it's Ramadan and I wait...then get antsy and go to my car, and when I come back in he's walking from the back and I walk up to him and say can I talk to you for a minute. We step outside, I say I think you're very handsome, and ask are you single?
He replies, actually I'm...

WAIT FOR IT...

...

...

MARRIED. Oh God the AGONY. My heart actually sank and I felt embarrassed and was trying to back away towards my car as quickly as possible while simultaneously assuring him he didn't come off too harsh in his let down. Oh the HUMANITY. But he did say, you're very gorgeous and I would love to get to know you (if I wasn't married).

The moral of this story is, you'll never know if you don't speak up and find out. Yea I might feel kind of silly for a while, but overall I'm really proud of myself. I'm 25, if I can't go for mines now I never will!! [Isn't that right Xica ;o)]

Rite Aid :o)

2008-09-23T02:15:00.000-04:00

A couple years ago they built a 24-hour Walgreen's in the center of my town. People were ON it. Now every time, no matter what time of day or night, there's always a long ass line and one stank ass person ringing leisurely. So I try to go to the now-forgotten Rite Aid, that's ALWAYS empty and has a nicer layout anyway. But the real reason isn't b/c I'm in a rush to purchase Tampax, it's b/c of this gorgeous guy that works in there. He is absolutely beautiful. Just my type. Perfect skin, beautiful chocolate complexion, nice facial features. And then, one day, he was speaking creole to this woman and it BLEW my mind, Haitian? Word son? So I have never said a word to him or even looked in his direction too long, but I've always smiled to myself when I saw him in the aisles. Today I was looking bummy, in some synthetic material sweatpants, and a black t-shirt and sandals. I ask the cashier if they have candle lighters. She asks him to get some, he comes back with 3 and then he says, you having a dinner? I say naw just want to light my candle. So he says, no dinner? I say, are you cooking? He says I don't cook. I say, then we're not gonna eat! He laughs, appreciating my quick humor. I get rung up and he's over by the door and says "enjoy your candle." Flirting like the dickens! I couldn't help but tell my mom when I got in the car, he is soooooo cute! I love Rite Aid :o)

Car(eless)

2008-09-22T07:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I was on track to being right on time for work, about to hop on the parkway, and my car just gives out on me. Moms comes thru w/ 2 dudes in a pickup. They give me a bump in neutral and I park in a lot up the block. All weekend I've been picked up and dropped home. I don't really mind. But I am fiercely independent when it comes to getting from A to B. You don't see me asking m-f-ers for rides. Few and far between. Some people need to have more discretion about that shit. Just b/c I'm the ONLY person you know w/ a car doesn't mean you're the only person I know W/O one, LoL. Anyhow. OFF tomorrow, will be mobile ASAP, hopefully. Being that I didn't have my car to run to for lunch and some Wendy Williams, I had to go the the staff lunch room ::gagg:: It's bad enuff Short Hills Macy's doesn't have ANY fucking windows on my floor, the lunch room is in the basement. NAW SON. I need sunlight and fresh air, REGULARLY. So today I just went down, scarfed down lunch in record time, then tried to sit outside the Macys entrance - it wasn't going down. Plan C: Starbucks. 1000 people decided my lunch hour was a great time to grab a double venti mocha frap caramel machia-latte. But I snagged a seat in the lounge area and actually wrote a poem. I might share it. But it's not that great. My mood has been up and down past couple of days but life is moving along whether I'm chipper or not. Thusly, I'll get over it. MAXWELL is coming up! That's it until next time :o)

Growth

2008-09-05T08:46:00.000-04:00

This is it, I am quickly approaching a year of natural hair! Sept. 28 last year was when I cut off all of my old energy and past frustrations to begin anew. And my hair has grown, honey! It's been a pretty mild mannered year, too. I think I finally released Benito from my heart and mind gradually this year. Can you believe the next new year is only 4 months away??? WTH happened to '08 is great? I feel like this year was a blur of work and socializing and Netflixing and now it's almost over. Geez. I had a boyfriend for like... .2 seconds. Literally now though, he is my boy/friend. We should have kept it that way from the rip. It's just sometimes you let a situation dictate your actions and you don't listen to your gut, your first instinct is always the right one, even if it seems wrong, IT'S RIGHT. So no love lost, just not meant to be. I am about the same weight I was last year this time, so that's what's up, albeit less toned and in shape. That will change soon, I promise you.

Next month (Oct. 9), MAXWELL @ Radio City Music Hall, I waited too long and couldn't even find seats next to each other, only singles. Oh well, I didn't want to share my man w/ anyone anyway, lol.

My first vote in my first presidential election is coming up in Nov. and I'm staggered by all the political chess being played. Some people like their politics straight up, no chaser (ME). But that's the game, for now. OBAMA will be mobbing all over these relics of a foregone time. No one wants to hold up the old standards and traditions, society overall is yearning for newness, not some random chick from Alaska (sit down ma).

What else, I feel like everyday I am either growing emotionally, or professionally, even spiritually sometimes. I'm years removed from past traumas and am no longer afraid of reliving some of my darkest moments. With that firmly rooted in the distant past, I can propel myself toward the unseen future with no anchors of anxiety. I feel that growing in me, a confidence and desire to aspire for my own greatness, which has always been waiting for me (you'll see what I mean one day).

Changing of the Guards

2008-08-22T03:24:00.002-04:00

I've been meaning to do this blog for a minute. As we all get older, we are witness to an inevitable changing of the guards in the entertainment industry. Before out eyes, all of our legends, & archetypes of greatness, are being replaced by younger, fresher stars.

For example...

This is the comparison that sparked this idea:

Paula Patton is the NEW:

Halle Berry

Derek Luke is the NEW:

Denzel Washington

Jude Law is the NEW:

Cary Grant

ETC...
If you think of some more, do share!

Slippin on my pimpin, slacking on my...

2008-08-14T17:19:00.000-04:00

My vacation was beautiful! I didn't even blog about it. Half way into August, haven't shared a single thought or emotion. Honestly I came back from vacay Aug. 1 and went right back to work the next day and have been getting back into the groove of that since. I had a slight office romance, it was fun! It's nice to have someone to look for each day, who is looking for you, so that you can be silly, and flirty and whatnot, but he's only here for the summer, alas. And another storyline in my life is going to be coming full circle come Friday. I'm just in a happy place. Remember that blog about feeling "overlooked and as if I am of no interest to anyone," I was just in a bad place at the time, emotionally. Revived from my trip, I feel like myself once again. No more pity parties over here! So I have some major things to accomplish, I still feel as if I need a mentor to help me, but I am discovering that to achieve certain personal goals, you have to be your own coach. I am happy though, I can honestly say that, and that is an achievement!!!

Jeez Louise.

2008-07-19T12:52:00.001-04:00

I can not fucking WAIT go on vacation. 8 more days and I'm OUT this hot ass, no A/C in my car, work be boring as hell, ain't nothing jumping off worth stayin, ass place. I just don't understand...this time last year I had 3 really close male friends. Those relationships all died in different painful ways, but I was blamed in each one, yet these have been long standing friendships in which I did give A LOT of myself, my time, my love. And now, looking back, what the hell was the point? As soon as you show signs of putting yourself first, bringing up the reality of things, of not being beat, all of the sudden you are uncaring. GTFOOH! NEXT yo. I can't, I just can't. So then the romance department. Psh. 5 months and counting and I just don't even care right now. And no hell no, even though Lenny keeps trying, no repeats of the beginning of this year, thank you! Coming back from vacation I'm going to need to make some things happen, get the ball rolling on the rest of my life. As my headliner says "Too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets, I haven't seen," I MEAN IT! I'm finally dying to go back to school! Even if it's just a class or two to start. So hopefully I will have a LEGENDARY time on this cruise and come back ready to go! But yea, this first half of '08, not so bad, but not as GREAT as I had predicted. The second half though, the possibilities are endless!

No Air

2008-07-09T21:56:00.000-04:00

I feel suffocated by how badly I want to be wanted and loved. It's not something I'm outwardly showing or pursuing but I feel overlooked and as if I am of no interest to anyone. I know this is highly dramatic and preposterous but I just want to be coddled and complimented and adored, is that asking too much? The more pessimistic I become, the more I feel myself pulling my feelings inward, after all this time learning how to express them! So I am just trying to take care of myself, spend time with myself, improve my attitude towards relationships, strengthen my friendships, live my life. Hopefully I am on a path that is leading me directly to the person I am destined to spend my life (or at least a large portion) with. I can't act as if people haven't shown interest lately. Just no one I have chemistry with or they have too much with them, or they aren't serious. SO this is just so I can vent some frustration and know that I am not holding it in letting it become toxic.

Check It.

2008-06-28T07:33:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to check certain emotions, actions, and trains of thought. I haven't been in a substantial relationship for a while (The Benito Show DOES NOT count), so I understand that I am emotionally deprived. My actions and my moods as of late have been slightly out of character. I attribute it mostly to feeling frustrated and not seeing any rays of hope. It's not as if people don't approach me, which is the irony. I don't have a type but I ALWAYS know what I'm NOT into, unfortunately I'm still a little too nice with letting dudes down, don't want to embarrass them so I might exchange numbers and then never call or answer the phone, which I realize is juvenile and fucked up. Oh well, they eventually get the message. And also, older dudes, 40s and up have been showing interest, ehhhh. I am SO not beat to be dealing with someone my Uncle's age. I guess 25 really is a turning point, maybe dudes my age are now looking at younger chicks and younger dudes are looking at older chicks so the older dudes are looking at me!!! Lord help me if that's the case. Anyhow, I feel stagnant in my life, still having full knowledge that I am the only person that can alleviate that situation. So meanwhile I am not as cheerful, and I feel less energized, and I am sort of listless and sullen. It's not a good look. I am trying to check it. I scanned through tons of old photo albums on my cpu checking out my progression, even the self photos I take are more serious, unless I'm out at a function. So I am trying to be introspective and do a preemptive strike so that I won't fall into a rut. I think I just want something or someone fresh and new to inject some joy into my life and heart. At the same time that I feel down and out, I know that all of my needs will be met, I just have to be ready to accept the good things in life and see them at face value. So I'll check my pessimism as well. It's a process, life. But I wouldn't change it!

Adverse

2008-06-10T22:42:00.001-04:00

SBW seeking love
No clichés or romantic monologues
Must love candid moments
Be honest without being callous
Stare at me with burning desire
Then say something silly to lighten the intensity
Must hate conformity
Yet have a sense of timing
And be willful
And soulful and full
Of life
SBW seeking love
Or best offer.

Flo's in Town

2008-06-08T19:30:00.001-04:00

I know it's TMI and an old ass phrase, but I hate it when Flo comes to town. Particularly b/c she used to visit at the end of the month but now she's managed to show up at the beginning now and I feel like, damn wasn't this chick just here?! Not like I have a sex life for her to disrupt or anything, just that -

1. It's too HOT for this shit

2. I am a little emotional right now and now I think I have to apologize for my actions Friday (I cursed Dontes out a little bit, I felt slightly under appreciated, had a Benito relapse I think, he actually called me w/ base in his voice like, "what's the problem?")

3. It's inconvenient, at work all paranoid n whatnot (thank God I'm off till Tues).

Anyhow just wanted to share, I've been holed up in the house on my day off so I think the temperature has dropped just enough for me to show my face. Thanks Flo, for showing up uninvited, since I was 10, thanks...~~fucking bitch~~.

On another still feminine note, I saw S&TC yesterday, dolo, and loved it. Caught the 4:00 showing @ Essex Green and I was so glad to see that it wasn't too packed, although quite filled with old white couples - well honey I had to snigger at them when those risque sex scenes came on~! I have to admit though, I always think of Benito as the BIG in my life, to this day. I even picked him up f/ work that night and I wanted to pour my heart out but I grew a pair and kept my thoughts to myself. No need starting that shit again. Steve, I fucking love Steve, and Lenny was my Steve, and I fucked it up. Samantha, at least she kept it real with herself, she tried though. The movie was Hollywood and realistic all in one fabulous name brand package. I enjoyed it and I kind of feel like I had a better time by myself. That was my first movie experience alone, it's about to become a habit.

I Suck at Life

2008-06-03T00:54:00.002-04:00

I wanted to start this off by saying that I suck at life. But that's not actually the case. I suck at certain things in life. Like accepting when people are attracted to me, feeling worthy of male attention, getting past my own emotional roadblocks and letting someone love me. Yea, I totally blow at that. A very good friend of mine has been trying to express to me that he wants us to be more than friends. And what have I done? Everything BUT go with the flow. I mean yea I am pretty over-analytical and dense when it comes to emotions, but I am such a spazz when I feel self-conscious, I mean an absolute douche. So I've tried to write letters, I've sent messages, we've had talks, and every time any of these communicae have ended, I've felt more frustrated, confused and stupid. I feel like I never say the right thing. To compare this situation to a chess game, I'm anticipating all the WRONG moves so when I counter, I ended up in checkmate on my own, like WTF? I am so non-trusting. I mean this might seem like I'm "should-ing all over myself" but I really feel like I need a do-over for the last, let's say, 2 weeks. If I thought more of myself I would have followed my heart's instinct which was to just say, yes, let's go, let's try to be together, what's the worst that could happen? I mean I've been hurt before, I've hurt people, it's a fair playing field. Instead I'm tip-toeing through a mine field of the bullshit I've spewed out because of fear of REJECTION of all things. And he said straight out he wanted a relationship. This is tragic. I'm not even Greek.

Lost Art

2008-05-27T09:31:00.000-04:00

When is the last time you wrote someone a letter? Remember passing notes in class? Yea when you're in school you write papers and you might have to compose some e-mails for work. But what about the types of letters that drive classic movies, or the ones from your first love that you have stashed away somewhere? I'm starting to think that writing letters is becoming a lost art. It's the best way to communicate because as much as it conveys thoughts and emotions, it also chronicles a period in time. You'll never feels those exact feelings at that same time and therefore letters are like historical documents for average people. I have kept all of the letters people have given me, love letters, family letters, bff letters, and it's crazy to read them and know that those moments are gone but forever captured within the pages. Maybe I'm romanticizing a little, but I've been trying to write a letter to Dontes for like, a week now. And it's not even that long, but I almost feel like my attention span is now so short that the commitment of sitting and writing pages is seemingly too demanding. When I was younger I was shy and no boys really liked me and all I did was write to express myself. In a diary, in a journal. Now with all of these methods of communication, the most valuable and lasting form is vanishing from my grasp. This is a sad day.

Let's Talk about Depression

2008-05-22T21:46:00.002-04:00

The end of 2003 and beginning of 2004 are a complete and utter blur to me. I was in a deep depression for about 6 months (my lowest point came when I attempted suicide by taking many prescribed anti-psychotic pills) after my 2nd year of college. I know, I know that's a lot for a first sentence of a blog on Myspace (moved to Blogger), but MTV was having a True Life about people with mental disorders. I'm not ashamed to say that I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder when I was 19. I've had an interesting life since 18, that's for sure. Anyhow I was in the hospital 3 times, 3 years consecutively due to some manic episodes. And then I just pulled it together. Naw it wasn't some magical resolution, I just reclaimed my mind. Yes some people are clearly mentally ill and need medication, therapy, treatment, etc. Others are labeled for lack of thorough examination and expected to follow suit their entire lives. Naw, I'll pass. I haven't been in any hospital since 2004. I plan to keep it that way. No meds, no episodes. I say all of this to say that I have come a LONG way! I don't acknowledge that enough, and I tend to get down on myself about school but you know what, school the first time around triggered my melt down (due to all of the major life changes and stresses), so I'll return when I'm good and damn ready. And that's that. I was eating lunch in my car and this man walked by and made some comment about my lunch selection and started chatting me up through the window. He asks me about school and I felt extra defensive when he goes in about how I need to finish, and the fact of the matter is that I don't NEED to do anything but stay black and die. So I know this blog is all over the place but what I had in my heart to say is that people's standards for you can sometimes be completely void of perspective. You have to know what people have championed and overcome to really appreciate what they consider "success." And I have my priorities in order, and that's all she wrote.

My friend Katrina's comment on Myspace:

I was going to send this as a message, but I decided to let everyone see it. I want everybody to know how dope my Jesus is. Two things just happened:

Before I even read the blog much less the title when I was on my home screen .. waaaaaay before I even stepped foot of out of bed and turned on my computer, God put it in my heart to pray for you. I didn't even know why at the time I was saying some of the things I was saying to Him, but now I do. Just another reason for me to believe God is that knock, for real-for real. It also serves as a reminder of what I can and really have to do in order to stay on track -- for me, for you, for Kate, for Zheanelle, for Karen, my fam, anybody and everybody.

God bless you and your courage to "confess" -- I put that in quotes because maybe other people closer to you knew, but I really had no idea. I know when I wrote my blog about what was going through my head while I was dealing with being number 2, my friend finally understood how I was REALLY feeling because she had already gone through it, too. I was there for her while it happened to her, so I knew it without saying. Before she would talk to me about Mike, but because I tend show that brand of emotion on really a superficial level, she could only sympathize. Now we're helping EACH OTHER through it. Disturbing it may be to read -- my account and yours -- it's truly a good thing to talk about these subjects because it's not as lonely as you think. They are real and people go through it everyday for as long as they can remember. It really speaks volumes into what you thought you knew about a person and explains more about why they are who they are today, and even where they're going. With that said, I commend you just on the strength for TALKING period. Talking helps you move out of it and/or can be, like you said, a sign of victory. Keep doing you, P, and I'll continue to pray for you. You're blessed. The mere fact you're going through it and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS without discretion shows me you know you're blessed, too. Never. Stop. Doing. That.

I'd thank you a million times, but Tom's a hater.

Tuesdays with Passie

2008-05-13T22:56:00.002-04:00

Other than my brother Don's chirp interrupting the last 10 minutes w/ "Swing that shit", my experience watching Tuesdays with Morrie was really touching. Firstly I love Jack Lemmon. I know the movie is old and no I never read the book but I didn't really know about it till Steven Colbert interviewed the author (Mitch Albom) on his show. It was a short movie but well acted and chock full of life's lessons presented in a palpable fashion. I loved it. I was taken back to people I've loved and lost, people I've removed from my life for no real reason, silly grudges, stupid choices, un-saids, in-actions. And I feel empowered, amidst my many mistakes, in knowing that I still have time to grow and claim my life's path -something that definitely sounds weathered but is as illuminated as any summer morning. Then I realized today was Tuesday. And it all made sense. Today I reconnected with myself, having been swept up in the rush of having a job again, I haven't been doing much soul searching. And I know that journey never ends, so wasting days w/o introspection is toxic. Now many things that I've managed to convince myself are out of reach, are mine to claim or bypass. I am my only measure of happiness. I highly recommend this movie.

Beloved

2008-05-13T00:59:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling lonely lately. Clearly I am not, ALONE. But last night I had a dream with not one but two dudes I used to deal with. Talk about your subconscious going IN.
Anyhow. I got the idea to write a poem about my intended, whomever, and wherever, he may be. Then I lost the inspiration. That was earlier this afternoon. So here I go on the late night trying to get it right.

Imagining you to be
Many things
Yet no one thing
In particular
Conjuring intimacy
and endless embraces
You are a mirage
Tangible only when
We finally encounter
Love's haze
Someday
I will awaken you
See you through
Grateful eyes
Know you
And call you
Beloved.

Point Blank, Period.

2008-05-05T00:11:00.000-04:00

Yea, this black sum-mum-ma bitch sent me a text Friday. Simply stating "I know we're not talking right now but I hope that you love your new job." Emotions welled up. My attachment to Benito is not rational, it's completely built on a foundation of wild emotions. Anyhow I didn't lose my head. I text him the next day, Saturday, simply stating "I do." Then he goes in w/ "Well hello, I didn't think I'd ever hear f/ you again." C'mon guy. You know wtf you did last time and why I haven't been beat. So I say you didn't apologize. He proceeds to tell me why I was actually mad. No, negro. I'm mad for the reason I said I was mad! Are you serious?! Instead of being real and just apologizing he argues me down. I finally say, "Fine. This isn't going anywhere." He agrees, acting like it's my fault, talking about I just hit you up to see how you were and if you liked your job, I see you still feel some type of way about last time. It reminded me of one of those movies when people reunite and as soon as they let their guards down, start arguing and realize neither one has changed. I admit I'm stubborn, and I realize that Benito likes to make himself the victim when he does fucked up things, but I was right, point blank, period. And I'm not beat. I told him, it's not my JOB to be your friend, I chose to be there for you, but it's never enough. It will never be. EVER. To be in his life, I would have to consistently compromise myself, infinitely. Who the hell wants that?! The fuck outta here. AND. I'm not stupid. How many times do I have to say this. I just omit stating the obvious. He has a serious court date coming up. He didn't hit me up out of the blue. Get a grip on life Benito. The game is real. Asshole.

Hairrorist.

2008-04-19T02:30:00.000-04:00

I'm an emotional hairrist! I've realized this startling fact just this week. Still having a lot of anger and resentment inside from yet another Benito relapse made me want to impulsively change my hair again. I shaved it off after my last traumatizing incident w/him, and now I was about to relax all my will power down the drain. Anyhow I pulled it together and compromised on a straightening comb. For 20$ I get the temporary look w/o the permanent guilt. Unfortunately when I straightened my hair there was no shape to it and so I trimmed it and tried to style as best I could. I'm going to have to go to the salon (DAMN) and let them get me started with that. Anywho what I've realized is that I don't feel any different with my hair straight as I do with it natural. I'm still neurotic and a bit insecure, self-aware and in my head either way. So that obliterated that lie I had constructed these past months, that it would be easier to have my hair straight. Still the same brain under the hair! So at this point, which I find to be most difficult - I have to think past my current frustrations. I think of my inspirations, an ex co-worker Keisha who's natural hair was sooo long when she got it straightened and who was fly either way. People like Erykah Badu who just don't give a damn point blank period. Cool ass Jill Scott. And I think about another 6 months from now when I'll have more options and be in a different emotional space. Benito free. Happier. And I am steadfast, no lye.

Star Rewards

2008-04-10T00:25:00.002-04:00

Alllllllready.

I fucking love

This is the beginning of a beautiful work-ship.
1. 20% discount holmes.
2. $WEEKLY$ paycheck!
3. Have my schedule for the entire month
4. Bridal is clearly different & special, making me different & special
5. The mall is upscale, less riff-raff.
6. My hours rock, I need a Sunday lounge spot ASAP
7. Commute is GOOD TO GO!
8. I like the all black attire, it’s chic.
Macy’s works for me! (& vice versa)

Broken Record

2008-04-07T22:42:00.001-04:00

Is there really any need to go into the drama of the day? I think not. Needless to say it involved Benito and it was so typical and '05 of the negro. I have some quotable potables to express my hurt, and I will leave it at that.

"I know now you don't love me the same - the way that I love you..." (Ashanti)

" You don't laugh and you don't cry. Love can't live without emotion. You don't reveal and you don't hide. Wearing your disguise out in the open..." (Van Hunt)

"I played the fool before, stared at the sun till I burned out my eyesight - blind but a man must move on..." (Bilal)

"I once was young but, I'm all grown up and, I know 'bout love and, I used to love you - you tried to play me, and then persuade me, I still remember, the pain you gave me..." (Aaliyah)

"I don't wanna wait in vain for your love..." (Bob Marley)

"He ain't fly, he don't even DRIVE..." (Chris Brown) Xica

"Hey ladies, why is it that, men can go do what's wrong, why is it that, we just decide to keep holding on, why is that - we never seem to just have the strength to leave - but he's got to go - he's got to go..." (Destiny's Child)

I could go on. I'm sooooooo tired of being tired of this man.This is played out.

Life Comes @ You Fast

2008-04-02T16:29:00.001-04:00

I GOT THE JOB! I now work full-time @ Macy’s in the Bridal Registry . Good hourly rate! GOOD LOOK! Back in the workforce. Now I can look into the future with some money in my pocket. HOLLAAAAAAAA!

Now when I’m at the club and they do the whole "if you got a job, you handling yours..." I can raise my hand!! LoL

I’m really excited. I want to put my best foot forward. I might hit up NY & Co. tomorrow.

Flashback

2008-04-02T14:01:00.001-04:00

So yesterday morning I happened to be awake unusually early and I decided to step my job search up a notch. As much I like Monster and Work Jersey.com, they haven’t really been hitting me with any spectacular prospects. Anyhow so I decide to apply to Macy's, b/c honestly, when I started in retail, that’s where I originally wanted to work. I love Macy's and I don’t see how working there could be so bad. So I apply on their site. A couple hours later I get a call from HR and boom, I have an interview. I love the internet. No pounding the pavement, just uploading the resume and you’re IN there! I run around for a couple hours searching for some black pants and shoes and some conservative earrings. Get home with enough time to change and off I go to Short Hills Mall. The very mall that anyone who knows me knows intimidates me. It is the epitome of white bourgeoisie. Everything in the mall is white as well! The interview went well, interviewed with the manager of the Bridal Registry and the Regional Manager and b/c I’d worked at David’s Bridal I had an edge - on the flip side because I’d been terminated, I had to make it sound good like I don’t have a tardiness problem, which let’s face it, I do. But I know I have the ability to be prompt if I want to. So now I just have to see if I wowed them. It felt good to get suited up and have an interview though. I miss working.

Cold-Blooded

2008-03-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

Benito had to turn himself into jail yesterday. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I kind of felt relieved. Yea I know it’s a fucked up emotion but I swear he is so draining. The years of built up history and the way our friendship teeters on a foundation of resentment is toxic to me. I stay dropping everything for him, going out of my way, out of my bed, out of my routine, for him. It was like a snowball. Since the end of Nov. when we made up again for his b-day, ever since he’s been gradually asking for more and more from me. I never say no. I never state the obvious. Like I always say, maybe I’m too nice but I’m not fucking dense. I know he takes advantage of my feelings for him. I don’t blame him. I keep myself so available to him. I don’t know why I feel obligated to do anything but turn the fucking ringer off. Anyhow, he knew this shit was going to happen. No of course he doesn’t deserve to be in the clink but he should have handled his business. Grown ass man still cleaning up young man shit. I feel like even though we have no romantic relationship we have an indescribable connection that I really cherish.
That said. I’m tired. He doesn’t appreciate shit I do. It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show. I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him. He said you do - me. I wanted to laugh @ this nigga. He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do. I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit. Anyhow. Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back. Who is his plan B? I can’t keep carrying him, WTF? It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job. Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas. It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs." He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life. Never about me. Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company. I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity. B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER. That pissed me off. That’s how I know I need to fall back.

My Mom the Go-Getter

2008-03-18T00:52:00.000-04:00

Personality wise - I’m just like my father, he was pretty basic in his needs and he liked familiarity and I don’t really like going out on a limb if it isn’t necessary. I guess I am conservative about taking risks in life - especially business and finance. It makes me nervous to think of undertaking something like a business, even help someone else upstart theirs. My mother is the complete opposite, she’s always thinking of the next venture, she owns plenty of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" type books. Me, I’m an Aquarius, very idealistic, and I really don’t value money the way most people do. My mom (also an Aquarius) once told me, money is meant to be spent and if you hold it tight in your hands, how can you have an open hand to receive any? Makes sense to me. So when I have money it’s cool and when I don’t, I stay my ass home, not that deep. Anyway on to the meat of this blog - my mom the go-getter.
She owns a corner store not too far from our house. She didn’t consult with me about it just told me after the fact. The first time I went to see it in Sept. I didn’t like it, it was dark and crowded and corner store-ish. I went today because she swears I don’t have an interest in the store. It’s not that, it’s I just have no idea what’s going on with it. And b/c of that I feel excluded and just assume she’ll tell me when she’s good and ready. Anyhow it was a completely different space, open and bright and inviting. And I felt proud of her. I wish I could be entrepreneurial like her but I just don’t have it in me. I’ll definitely support her though, and hopefully that spirit of enterprise will show up in my children when I have a family . Anyhow I guess this is just about how amazing my mom is, and how much I love her (oh gawd so sappy).

Concert 2

2008-03-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

So last night’s concert I wasn’t as geeked about b/c I was going to see Peter Hadar who was only opening. Amanda Diva was headlining (never heard of her ass), Talib Kweli hosting and Q-tip featuring. I got there late cause I took a nap at like 6pm to wake up at 7 but woke up at 7:30 instead. Anyhow got to the city it was like 9 I found a good spot to stand in front of the bar at SOB’s by the steps that the artists go down. I ended up being there dolo (Katie no other concert partner will do, and you know why...just got a text this afternoon, psh - KNOCKOFF). No one was on the stage for a good hour. Then Peter Hadar comes up to me and recognized me immediately. I gave him a hug he said he performed mad early and I told him I was going to buy his CD. He was very nice, I really appreciate that. THEN. Talib Kweli came up the steps and stood directly next to me, so close that I hid my cellphone cause I was getting on myspace and for some reason didn’t want him to see me doing that! THEN Q-tip ended up standing right next to me w/ his black bubble coat, smelling heavenly. Unlike the husky chick on my left who was NOT SURE. Anyhow Amanda Diva is a cute girl, but her rapping is pretty elementary, she can sing though, and she has personality and is quite funny. I enjoyed her covering other people’s songs and just rocking to the DJ more than her actual joints Overall a very cool night, being amidst celebrity in such a relaxed scenario, made me further know that they are just like you and me. Can’t wait for MOS! That, I am geeked about!

March Madness!

2008-03-06T23:09:00.000-05:00

This month is just about to JUMP OFF!
March 8 - Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
March 12 - Peter Hadar w/ Talib Kweli & Q-tip @ SOB's
March 30 - MOS DEF! @ The Nokia Theatre - C'mon!

Takes me back to August, that was the last live month I've had as far as concerts. Also, I need a job, what's new right? Yea I know. I got some reasonable car insurance! Progressive. No not those jokers who suddenly asked me how I knew Benito. Sheesh. I'm also trying to take a trip down to MD to see an old friend, his name is Paul. We got back in touch thanks to the wonders of Myspace. I searched for his page but when I found it, looked like he had abandoned it for years. So I sent him a message just in case in Dec. He just called me last week. That's my ace. It's always nice to reconnect with someone you really cared about. So I'm thinking about renting a car since I'm 25 now and the rates are cheaper. Yes I think I shall. Also, even though he doesn't ask me very often, I've been taking Benito to work more often than I'd like to. See this is the problem when you have no real obligations, people think it's ok to ask you to do things out of the blue. Not so, not ok. He and I went to IHOP last week and he was talking to me about other women and how they always think it's more than it is. And I said to him "you don't have to worry about me", he got a little tight wondering why I put myself in the same column as them. But he said he knew a relationship wouldn't work the day he went fucking AWOL and I called my girl to come get me. Umm, ok. Not a good reason. Then he said, and you have sex w/ other guys (we haven't had sex in 3 years, WTH does that have to do w/ anything?). I was like yea God forbid. Anyhow I realized as I continually realize that he just doesn't make any sense. And that my pursuit of him makes me seem desperate and ridiculously masochistic. Such is my lot in life thus far though. Speaking of having sex with other guys, Robert that I met on New Year's, we did the horizontal tango. I hate when guys ask me how it was after. Especially when it sucked ass. So I told him, it was aiight. You're 25 and still rabbit-fucking?! I was getting aggravated, and he took too long. I don't like sex all day and night. What's worse is, I KNEW it was gonna be wack. You know when you get a preview when ya'll are messing around? - I wasn't impressed. Ahh well. He was pressed talking about when are you gonna stop teasing me. I thought well maybe he'll surprise me. Now he'll never get another whiff. I don't do repeats of wackness. No sir. Not a good year so far in the intimacy dept. I think I'm gonna take another long hiatus. I miss Justin. That was the Greatest Sex ©R. Kelly.

UPDATE.

2008-02-25T20:00:00.002-05:00

Benito was released today. After not hearing from him or knowing what the situation was since last Tuesday afternoon, he'd finally called me and said that he was picked up from his job on an old warrant from '98 that had been dismissed. He told me people to call and what to do for bail and I surfed the net getting all the info ready to get him out the next day. An hour later, he calls from his old cell phone and is like he's out. Apparently this older lady from his job bailed him out. He was happy to be out of course, telling me about his whole ordeal, how much he loved me and everyone who was concerned. He didn't smoke for a whole week and has decided to quit cheefing...we'll see if that lasts. Anyhow crisis averted.

Benito is locked up.

2008-02-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

Imagine my shock and dismay. I dropped him to work Tuesday, he said we'd definitely hang out Wednesday because he was off and then I didn't hear from him, but didn't think much of it since it's Benito. Come Friday morning, I get a phone call from his friend Kevin telling me that Benito told him to call me - to call his brother - to tell him to go pick him up from jail since his bail was ready. Of course I wondered why he was in there what had happened but I figured he would tell me when he was released. Well Friday came and went. I called his phone that night to see if he was out and his friend Brian answered. He tells me he had another warrant. Now I'm like damn this is some bullshit what about his job? And what can I really do to help him? I feel pretty useless all Saturday and get a call early this morning from Kevin again asking if I'd heard anything else. Naw Kev, I was hoping YOU were calling with news. So now I feel like I have to get proactive, because Benito doesn't have A LOT of people in his life, and because I can sense that the longer he's in there the more angry and dismayed he's becoming. I don't want a different Benito to come out of there. I prayed for him every night, I don't even pray for myself. I'll let you know how it pans out.

The Texting Saga

2008-02-12T06:40:00.000-05:00

Since September when I managed to wrangle this phone away from my mother, the texting has not been working. I've called Nextel a couple times and also visited the Sprint store. Today I was on a mission, I went to 2 Sprint stores and two regular shops trying to either get my phone fixed or offload the piece of crap. Nothin' doin. So I got home, feeling utterly defeated, and finally dozed off. I woke up like 4 this morning, and just decided to fuck with my phone some more, changing settings, removing the Sim card, etc. Don't you know, I fixed my phone! I should be happy, but now I'm just more pissed off. If the solution was something as simple as the damn setting, why did no one from Nextel think to ask me what mine were? These fucking imcompetent retards. 5 months I've spent telling people not to text me. 5 months I've had to call people who most times I'd rather text, 5 months spent out of the texting loop, all b/c Nextel can't provide proper customer service and tech support. Imma bomb them, I swearfojefus.

Don’t stop...belieeevin’

2008-02-07T22:34:00.004-05:00

Well, was thinking yesterday about the fact that when I reminisce over whomever (my God), that it's always the heart breaker, the player, the loser, the waste of time. What about those nice guys that (b/c I'm a glutton for punishment) never had a chance. Many a time I've had a guy actually try to court me, want to spend time, be polite and affectionate, and it's mostly made me uncomfortable. How fucked up is that? Yea partially maybe the chemistry wasn't there, and I'm not one to force something unnatural, but also I just can't stand the sappiness of it all. I'm more of a jokester, that's what warms me to someone, being able to laugh and kid and be sarcastic, and quote movies and be witty. That's natural. Yet and still, I have decided to try to be more open to the nice guy, it's not his fault he hasn't learned how to be an asshole.

In other news, I finally have to get a job, 4real, all those other times I said it were warm-ups, but I have until the beginning of March to be back in the work force, ugh.

I also need to go to a good party. But I haven't been feeling so hot lately, like not sexy at all, like what? You want me to dress up, nigga please. So Imma work on that.

I just started on another of my resolutions, to read more. I'm well into a book called The Witch of Portabello by Paulo Coehlo. Good stuff.
Lastly, Willy from MTB4 is MARRIED. I'm so through w/ that show now, did they think I was watching it for Quanell and his pink ass lips (ughhh), or stingy-braid havin Brian???? No. Fortunately Project Runway is about to get to the good stuff, the final 3 and fashion week.

That is all for now.

Even when he's NOT on my mind.

2008-01-30T10:26:00.001-05:00

So this morning I'm searching for some reasonable car insurance. I've already lapsed a month and I was leaning towards Geico or Progressive, a 6-month policy to hold me over till I get another 3-point annual safe-driving deduction. Then I remembered this spot NJCure. I did their online quote, they quoted $780 for 12 months, I usually pay $2500 a year (my record is, ehhh). So I call to complete the process, she's asking me routine questions and the next thing I know she's like, "Who is Benito Hobbs?" I was stunned to silence. I was like a friend of mine. She explained his name came up cause he got a ticket while driving my car. Man oh man, I thought I was in the twilight zone 4real! Even when we're not really in each other's lives, we're in each other's lives. Dammit man.

NJ Knights

2008-01-24T22:59:00.002-05:00

This is my favorite poem that I've ever written:

I can't.

2008-01-23T10:46:00.002-05:00

It's finally happened. I've reached my B.S. limit. I can't be bothered anymore. Niggaz who smoke, I'm walking the other fucking way. It's not negotiable anymore. Poor Robert. Everything he does, he has to smoke first. Now, before I even TRY to like a guy, I need to know if he smokes first. TRAGEDY.

Ed.

2008-01-17T05:21:00.000-05:00

So that's the name of my great grandfather on my father's side. Ed Arnold. And apparently he had big plans for his grandchildren. My great Uncle Ronald recently moved to GA, and sold his home in Elizabeth, his father's home. In the will, it is said that his grandchildren all receive some portion of the sale monies. I'm my father's sole heir (as my Grammy so eloquently stated) and apparently could be coming into a little something. What a shocker for the new year. I'll let you know how it all pans out. But knowing Uncle Ronald, I'll probably get like $5!

My Hot Thing...

2008-01-12T21:47:00.004-05:00

I met someone on New Year's. His name is Robert. He's a nice guy. Hard working, a gentleman (he's originally from down south), pays for shit (we went on a real live date New Year's day: IHOP then to play pool, and he ain't eeeven try to let me win, psh)! We've kicked it a couple times and last night was nice (no sex in the champagne room, not after the Lenny fiasco, need to have space between the two) but just a lot of heat...he's a keeper for now. We have a lot of strange things in common. His b-day is Feb. 23, mines is the 12th, he named his first car Mister I named mine Misty. He used to have an Ac 3.5 too! And he likes my pussy -

cat Whiskers.

Gotcha! (Get your mind out the gutter, I mean really.)

Why I haven't blogged about Benito.

2008-01-11T21:57:00.002-05:00

Well...that's simple. Because I haven't heard from his ass since...(looking at calendar) Dec. 19th. I called him for Christmas & New Year's. No answer. Whatever-the-fuck-ever. I'm so glad I've discovered Feist b/c some of her song lyrics are more prophetic than any poetry I could pen.

Let It Die by Feist

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss ?
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

You know I've been trying to let it die, you're all invited to the funeral.

What a Week.

2008-01-11T03:44:00.000-05:00

What a week. Monday my "brother" pushed the envelope, Tuesday I registered to vote! Wednesday I holed up in the house like Bin Laden. Thursday, well Thursday my " brother" came by and apologized for Monday. also my ex Lenny came by and I was a major whore. Yes we finally had sex. Well let me tell you. What a comedy of errors. Anything that could go wrong did, after 1/2 hour of four-play, neither of us had condoms & he had to get dressed and go to the corner store, he couldn't get erect cause he hasn't used them in 5 years, he sat on the wrapper (those Magnum ones are quite sharp), I mean it was the most awkward and unpleasant sex I've had in eons. We finally just gave up. & worst, worst of all, when we turned the lights on, he had a big ass hickey on his neck. Instead of him being upset I was, he was consoling me! He joked, well if I she breaks up w/ me, you and I can get back together. NOT funny. You know what I told him, I said what did we learn tonight? He said condoms are not my friend, and I said, and neither are other women! This fiasco made me realize how bad I am at indiscretion. How many showers does it take to get to the center of shame and guilt? I'll let you know. TGIF.

Horror Scope

2008-01-07T02:09:00.004-05:00

"If something confusing is starting to build between you and another person, don't try and fight it today. Even if you know this is definitely not what you want, one more day of experiencing it won't hurt anybody. Try this new thing on for size -- not to see if it fits, but to see why you don't like the way it feels. This is a wonderful opportunity for you to figure out what you don't want your life to be, and how you can avoid letting it get that way."

That's what my Yahoo Astrology forecast said for today. I paid it no mind because I didn't leave the house till about 8pm. Then my brother (good guy friend) Don called saying he wanted to come by. Ok cool. But our relationship has been strained ever since I realized he is really trying to make it a physical relationship. No no no. I'm trying to be the voice of reason here. I'm trying to save our friendship because that's what I value most. He wasn't trying to hear it. He was so aggressive and stubborn and finally he left because I kept refusing to go there with him. He talking bout can I hold you....psh. So he leaves and asks if he can come back and stay over. I say only if you stop trying stuff. He says fine then I'm not coming back, I WANT YOU! Oh jeezuz. I'm so not beat for this. WHY Lord. Why can't you get credit for thinking with your head sometimes. Then when I came back upstairs and reviewed my horoscope, that's wtf it said. I had to roll my eyes.

Oh My Damn

2008-01-03T20:06:00.001-05:00

Diddy sold his soul to MTV. I mean is this nigga serious?! He's coming back with ANOTHER Making The Band. This black summabitch gon' have Danity Kane, Sure Shot and the white boy Danny all in the same house fighting it out to make their albums. If I was any of those suckers, I would head for the hills. All of their credibility is going to be shot AND they sure as hell ain't gonna be stars. Diddy, you's a dirty dog. Diddy boppin' all over their hopes and dreams...shame.

And then.

I saw a preview for ANOTHER damn Rambo movie. How old is Sylvester Stallone? LET IT GO. Jeez. No man can live off of plastic surgery alone.

I'm sure I've seen some other people that are reaching already this new year. But these two have taken the proverbial cake tonight. Remember Da Band. Learn from the past people!

Only the Lonely

2007-12-31T05:26:00.002-05:00

Being lonely is a state of mind. I went to the Talib Kweli concert by myself tonight and only felt alone for about an hour. When the concert started, it didn't matter that I was dolo, because everyone was rocking with Talib. So I took hella videos of him and had a good time. His DJ is extra cute:

Two shockers of the night. I know that hip-hop is mainly supported by our melanin-free brothers and sisters, but I could count on one hand the black people that were in view, not counting the negros on stage. It was really disheartening. Not only that but I was completely surrounded by white girls, which is worse than dudes, cause it was painfully obvious they were there to be seen by the dudes, flicking their fucking hair in my face and shit. And this white kid was smoking weed behind me and tried to be slick and exhale on my arm. I told him if he blew anything else on me I would fuck him up. Anyhow, as far as the crowd make-up, I bet Talib feels some type of way about it too. He comes back to NY, to do shows, and sees no black or brown faces. TRAGEDY. Anyhow it reminded me of a poem by Dahlak Braithwaite, Peculiar Evolution @ 1:44

...it was life imitating art. Psh.Anyhow, the coat check line was longer than a line for free crack, so while waiting I spotted an actor that no one else on the line knew

(Anthony Mackie), he's still under the radar so I guess that's not so much of a shocker as a nice surprise. So that was my night. I had a good time, with myself, in my own company, and I'm really happy about it. I also jammed out to soca the whole trip home! Can't wait for next Labor Day to JUMP UP!...

New Year's Resolutions (Why Not!)

2007-12-19T06:43:00.004-05:00

Alright so I wake up early for no reason and I’m looking @ my calendar and there’s 6 days till Christmas, and 12 till New Year’s. It’s time to make some resolutions*, if for no other reason than to see what mattered to me at the end of ’07.

1. Completed 1/8/07 Register to Vote (I know, I’m almost 25, but fortunately the Democrats took NJ last time around so I didn’t feel that bad, but this year is crucial)...helloooo Jury Duty!
2. Learn to Sew (for some reason I am dying to learn, maybe b/c I love Project Runway)
3. Lose 17 lbs, that would bring me to my final weight loss goal of 170lbs :o)
4. Fix up my Acura, or just get a new car all together (either new or certified pre-owned dammit!)
5. Get back into school (and everything involved with that saga)
6. Write more
7. Read more
8. Learn how to play the piano
9. I had a surprise b-day party 2/9/08!! Do something cool for my birthday
10. 3 in March alone! Go to more concerts!!!

’08 is going to be a good year anyway...I can feel it! ’08 is grrrrreat!!

*I’m highlighting things as I complete them

Pro-choice about being Pro-life?

2007-12-12T07:27:00.000-05:00

I'm watching a documentary called Unborn in the USA about the pro-life movement and the way that they target college campuses and the influence of religion on their crusade and I'm just wondering how you feel about the abortion issue. I generally am pro-choice but in my own life I am pro-life. Although I did use the morning after pill twice which to me is a gray area and a debate in and of itself. I was thinking about it the other day, if that Plan B had not been available to me in June, I would be expecting a child in a couple months. That's crazy. But say I took it and still became pregnant, I would not have aborted it, is the point. Anyhow, I feel that being a woman makes me heavily biased and it's really frustrating that in so many instances men are on the front lines of this issue. How do you stand on the abortion issue?

Stick to the Script

2007-12-09T20:02:00.000-05:00

"All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - Shakespeare

There are so many times in life when you have conversations with people and you feel as though you are simply enabling someone in avoiding the obvious. Why do people beat around the bush? Why not be direct and honest, it saves everyone involved time and energy and I feel, promotes a healthier relationship. I crave honest people, someone who will say to me exactly what it is they want within the first minute of a dialogue. I believe that it makes me more inclined to concede to their desires. A good friend of mine, Jesse, I call him my brother, well his brother is a mechanic. Alex always knew why I was calling him, one day I called him for some car related issue and I say you know I only call when I need something, and we share a laugh and he says something to the tune of and that's why I like you. It's easier in my humble opinion, to be direct, straight no chaser, cut to the quick, and move on with your life. I am rarely ever as straight-forward as I wish everyone in my life would be, although in my mind while experiencing the procrastination of others, I have already wrapped many a conversation up with a pretty little bow. I know why you called, I know what you want, so just say it already and I can decide whether or not I want to help. This is one of my peeves in life. It may seem insignificant in the pantheon of things that annoy me but actually it lies at the very heart of my interactions with the world.

Revert

2007-12-07T03:55:00.000-05:00

This union is finite
Moving towards a linear end
A gauntlet I've found
The challenge is the danger
The danger is the adrenaline
Can I only begin again
At each end
The course disappears
As we reset
The curse reverts

It's about that time

2007-12-07T03:51:00.000-05:00

I guess it's time to look for a new job. Only 3 months of unemployment left. Got some things cleared up. Not school unfortunately, but bills are in order. Lounged around, did what I wanted, but have basically been bored out of my mind. So I'll pull up my socks and see what's out there. Psh.

He’s Baaaack.

2007-12-04T04:56:00.000-05:00

Yes folks. Benito is back. Sunday morning. 9AM, I get a call but just miss answering it. Low and behold, it is he. I call back and he says to me, I need a favor. I'm kinda bumbed from jump but then he says, do you know any places that fix flat tires. Like for your CAR?! Yes indeed. This negro not only got a car, but it's the same year and make as mine. I'm so happy for him. He's been fixing it up getting it set so that he can go to school in Jan. His drive is inspiring (so is him driving!). 2 months ago he never mentioned school. I can tell he is really happy, it doesn't take much. Anyhow, let's focus, he comes and picks ME up in HIS car and we look for an open tire spot. No dice, it's cold as hell and snowing, and Sunday morning. He runs downtown w/ his boy and they find a spot while I take a nap at home. Then he says he needs to do laundry but has never done it at a laundry mat! So I show him the ropes there, he takes me to get something to eat, to walgreens and then home. He was going to smoke in his car but he saw how I tensed up and said he would do it after (so sweet). But most of the convo was light stuff, jokes about how the tables have turned. He said he missed laughing with me. And then, when he was dropping me home, he just came out and said: I love you Pascalle, I really do. I couldn't help it, I said it right back. Why? Because I do, I always have people! Or have you not been following the blog saga?

WTF?

2007-12-01T23:58:00.000-05:00

Back to my brother and this drama. He pawned the ring and then proceeded to take a bus to AC and gamble 4/5 of it away. And I'm supposed to be supportive of his situation. That was a slap in my face as far as I'm concerned. I spent a good amount of money trying to make sure he was good and he just blows what little money he had just gotten. So when I picked him up from the train station I gave that negro what for. I told him I felt like he didn't give a fuck about what was going on in his life and I barely wanted to let him stay with me. I was backing into my driveway and he got out of the car and walked away. I'm sorry that you can't handle how I feel about the situation but I'm tired of letting you fuck up and sitting idly by, being the good friend, the go-to friend. I need to be the real ass friend, that's my new role. So I let him walk, at 12:30 in the AM, in the cold. I called my mom and started crying out of frustration. She said let him walk, you're not his mom. After 11 years, I can't be responsible for him when shit isn't working out, it's not fair. ESPECIALLY if you're not going to try to make things right. Like I said to my mom (then immediately apologized) it's so FUCKED UP.

Yea, I almost forgot.

2007-12-01T23:52:00.000-05:00

Drought is over. Spent most of yesterday with my boy Marcus and I'm good now. I almost forgot how little sex does for me. I mean I'd really almost forgotten all the angst and anxiety of it all. He's a good guy and if I was really sexual I guess it'd be good times, I'm just not though. He was so close to being ticked off cause I was saying shit like, naw, I really don't want to do that, I haven't stretched, put your boxers back on b4 you lay in my bed nekked, thanks. But I am in control of sexual encounters these days, I spent too much time obliging to what a nigga wants, fuck that, tough noogies my dude, thanks for the good time though.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention this but...

2007-11-28T16:02:00.000-05:00

I saw Benito yesterday morning. It wasn't monumental or a big deal by any means. He'd taken some pics of Boot Camp when we went to see em in Aug. and I'd never gotten them developed. So I just recently did and I decided to mail them to him since yesterday was his 30th bday. You know, it's the principality, those are his pics. But b4 I mailed I realized that perhaps he might have moved b/c of some circumstances and I didn't want them to be lost in limbo. So I dug his number out of my mental Rolodex (it's like burned on my brain, psh) and called. No answer. I left a defensive yet casual message (to the tune of; I'm not calling for whatever reason you might think, just wanted to mail these pics, let me know if you still live on such and such). Well he called back yesterday morning and was like you don't have to mail them just drop it by. You know today's my bday. I said I know like a jerk. Anyhow he came out of the house and I opened my car door but didn't get out, he took the card and that was that. It was awkward. He was like I'm waiting for my boy to go pick up my car (finally!) and I'll call you later (for what dude? thankfully he didn't but I was apprehensive all afternoon). And he was like this is my new number, this from the guy who told me 2 months ago that I'm out of his life for good. Whatever.

Am I selfish?

2007-11-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my brother called me saying he needed to go to a pawn shop and that he wasn't in a good way. So I got into sister mode, went and got him and we went to the shop, the price they were offering was low so we went to IHOP to see what other options he had, we came back to my house to do some research and see how else you can sell an engagement ring but eventually we gave up and just chilled the rest of the day. He ended up sleeping over (which is nothing out of the ordinary). Although yesterday I told him I wasn't doing anything today, my boy Marcus called this morning cause he wanted to come through and kick it. I haven't seen him in a grip and he could have been just what the doctor ordered to end my drought. But no. My brother is like well can I stay in mommy's room while he's here. I'm like no can't you go to your dad's or to one of your boys houses? No, everyone is out of town and his pops isn't having it. Beyond the fact that he's gained back 1/3 of the 120 lbs he lost last year, it's clear he's depressed, no job, and him and the fiance' are beefing. But I want to chill w/ Marcus, but he's like I have no where else to go. So I had to call Marcus back and cancel. I was so pissed off I went to sleep just so I wouldn't say something fucked up. Am I selfish? Or is he wrong for not telling me the whole situation yesterday. So now I'm stuck in the house w/ his ass on a perfect day to be booed up. This sucks.

Such is Life.

2007-11-19T04:53:00.000-05:00

In every relationship I go into, there comes a point where I inevitably have to tell that other person my one big issue. And each time has been unique unto itself and the person involved. And the last time was the very worst and I am still coming to grips with the aftershock. But I am getting to a point where I'm not even sure that the emotional strain on me is worth whatever unknown outcome. Should I just stick to my circle that already know everything about me and keep it moving or still be open to new relationships? I just tried to open up to a friend tonight and he made it so difficult and as if it was his hardship that I was like dumbfounded. Never has anyone been so dramatic before I spilled the beans, I mean really. And still he does not want to know. And I'm like well whatever it's not something I like revealing anyway. Such is life right. It's just not fair though, because I can tell I've changed my entire outlook on relationships because of my experience and it sucks. It's not fair to me or any prospects. I don't even know how to describe the alienation of the truth at times. How I have to will myself to be honest every time, how I wished I had no character at all and could live my life with a different mentality. But I am so very thankful for friends like Terrence and the such, who have shown me that being yourself pays off and the people who are meant to be in your life won't make it difficult for you to be comfortable in your own skin. And I am now seeing that these facts make it easier for me to disclose the things I keep closest to my vest because I have faith in people on a whole. Sometimes.

Trouble, trouble...

2007-11-14T16:37:00.001-05:00

Lenny is coming to chill with me tomorrow. If you have no idea who this is, dig through my blogs, I know I've had a couple about him, some are only for my preferred list, howyoudoin! Anyhow he was my first love and is a good friend now, we've tried to keep it platonic since he lives with his BM but he makes it his point to call me and visit. So at some point I'm like fuck it and I will only feel as guilty as he does. Now. Tomorrow I plan on watching movies with him. What does he plan on doing? I wonder...

Word Trap

2007-11-12T01:36:00.001-05:00

Resisting my calling
Subsequent labeling
Poet - wordsmith
Truly no more than a
Butcher with flourish
Lassoing words once unformed
Limitless in the expanse
Dragged down by my very thoughts
Pinned between page and pen
So foreign their containment
Doomed to be perused endlessly
By some disengaged scholar
Now inspired to perform
Massacres on a grander scale

-Pascalle Arnold

I Remember

2007-11-09T08:12:00.000-05:00

When I was 11, my dad took me to the movies, this is the only time I can remember him doing this, and we watched 3 movies, back to back, we just kept coming out and getting another ticket for something else. I always remember one was The Shadow, I think the other was The Lion King, and who knows what the 3rd was, but I did some research and Crooklyn came out that year so maybe it was that. Anyhow that's not the point. The point is little things like that, movie marathons, playing Sega CD with him, having Minesweeper battles, still remind me how cool of a guy my dad was. I'm grateful he was a computer geek and a kid at heart, he was a simple guy and he wasn't too talkative but he was very eloquent. I am his daughter in so many ways, and this morning I find myself missing him a lot. But I've been having some movie marathons of my own lately, and whenever technology allows me to do something cool I always wish he was here cause he'd be so impressed. He couldn't imagine downloading movies in an hour and watching at your leisure. I remember specifically one day he was reading the paper and talking about this new technology called DVDs and how it was going to revolutionize things! Anyhow, when Lord of the Rings came out I really wished I could have watched them with him, and shared other milestones that defined my childhood and our relationship. The lasting memory is that he loved me, and had his own way of showing it, but the most important way, was that he was always there for me.

Intimacy

2007-11-08T04:45:00.001-05:00

I'm just coming off of a romantic movie marathon : The Notebook (OMG, soo beautiful), In The Land of Women (why did Meg Ryan get plastic surgery? so upsetting), and The Holiday (loved it). Now I'm thinking about my drought and wondering if sex is what I actually need Perhaps I'm just lacking intimacy. Which would heal my heart in a way that a sexual escapade never could. Benito's birthday is this month. I feel like writing him a letter, not an I miss you or can we be friends again letter but a I just want you to know how I feel will never change no matter how much we hate each other letter. I have a feeling he's going to be moving soon b/c of some circumstances and I fear we'll never be able to reach one another again even if we wanted to. I don't know I'm probably being dramatic, but when we had our last break he told me he would drive by my house often. And of course my mind kept asking why didn't you ever come to the door, or write me, or something. That's just him though. Anyhow back to the topic at hand. Intimacy. Ahh what an illusive concept. Yet and still I think I'm going to take a moment and write some thoughts defining what it is for me.

When you snore abrasively, I sleep harder
The comfort of your chest will not surrender it's hold
The moment will not allow
For shallowness
So I drown out the sound
You play in my mane
Fingertips dance among young tendrils
I am defenseless
Your hand curves around my lower back
Respectfully resting upon my waist
When you realize you've strayed below
You will your hand to a more congenial post
And we sleep
I rub your stomach which you hate
Exposing all of your insecurities
I know this because I feel the same
When someone rubs mine
Though you and I are merely friends
The closeness I feel when we embrace
Is the purest form of intimacy
Unsoiled by physical conquest
With you I am safe and myself
With you I share myself
With you I know
I am not by myself
In the way that I feel

-for Terrence

Breaking Point

2007-11-06T01:52:00.000-05:00

I guess I should categorize this under Life (Myspace reference), cause it's not about Romance but good ol' SEX But I'll just act like that's part of relationships and keep fronting. Anyhow. Once again, I'm trapped within an involuntary drought. 5 months! At this point, I've been seriously considering getting back in touch with my old jumpoff. I kind of played him to the left when I was dealing with Benito but now it's like...times are kinda rough. I have someone else who really wants to help out my situation but I don't want to go there with him, I don't like him enough to even have casual sex, you know that means he's a jerkbody, maybe at some point I'll be able to get past his arrogance (doubt it). It just sucks though, cause the last time was with Justin, and we had such chemistry, that now I don't even want to if it's gonna be sub-par. TRAGEDY. What's a girl to do? Let me go find Mr. Jumpoff's address...lol.

Lyrics to Go

2007-11-03T09:37:00.001-04:00

Lyrics like this make you want to write a great poem:

"Not About Love"
by Fiona Apple

The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the king-craft of a merit-less crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache