DAMN YOU!

I tried to end my drought today but I ended up arguing with dude and taking his black ass back to where I picked him up from, which threw me into the Twilight Zone because it happened to be the former home of my first love, Lenny.  Imagine all the emotion that rose up inside, and all I could think of was why are you arguing with me!  You're not "Mr. Big,"  I don't have to cater to you!  Get a grip, know your role, and stfu!  So now I'm like, well maybe I should tell "Mr. Big" that I'm backed up and I can't see myself letting anyone else relieve me.  Which means if he isn't up for the job, I'm assed out.  I would love to have someone in my life that would fill up the emotional black hole that he leaves in his wake, but that person has not made themselves known to me, and I don't want to introduce a reason for "Mr. Big" to pull away from me.  I just don't.  It's not worth it, some meaningless sex or physicality with someone you don't love?  What's the point?  Jesus I wish I could overcome my physical needs right now, but I guess I've reached the brink.  So DAMN YOU: Mr. Big, all you wack ass dudes I used to jump off with, and every man who ever made me feel confused.  If you were in the desert dying of thirst I wouldn't piss in your mouth to save your life.

ABOUT THE DROUGHT

I'm experiencing a voluntary sexual drought.  It's been going on so long I can't even remember the last time (at least 5 months or more).  But I have my options, yet I still don't want to break this run I've been having because it would be a waste on someone who wouldn't really.  Never quite.  You know.  Now mind you, "Mr. Big" did "try to give me some sex" but I declined because that's the last thing we need to be re-introducing into our relationship.  So it's just kind of interesting that I haven't necessarily been backed up but I have been flirting ridiculously with one of my co-workers.  Anyhow, just thought I would share considering the hundred years rain we seem to be experiencing.  Also, new pics will be arriving soon cause I did buy a disposable camera and I'm halfway through!  Wooo!  When ya'll heffas gonna step ya'll blogging up!?

LAY IT ON THE LINE

You already know what this blog is gonna be about.  No, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, but I do have a "no-sex" column/blog that I contribute to often.  And usually the topic is "Mr. Big."  So let's begin, shall we?  We had another infamous talk tonight.  I informed him that I had come to the conclusion that I had been putting too much accountability on him in the way of making me happy.  You don't want to hug me today?  No problem.  You feel like kissing gives me the wrong impression about our relationship?  Don't worry your pretty little head.  Cause honey, Imma find somebody that disagrees completely!  He really didn't know how to take it.  We both agree that we want to be in each other's lives, but he's not ready for a relationship.  Fine, Imma go relate to some other dudes but still be there for you, how bout that.  So no more looking for scraps of affection, I'm good.  That's not what our relationship is about right?  Riiiight.  Cause honestly, it's not about cutting him out of my life, it's about clearing up some of the static we encounter, and this is the panacea, so how you like dem apples there Mr. Bigstuff?

TASTY

Last night me and the girls went to Taste Lounge since we haven't been out in oh so long.  It was alright inside, but the music selection was a bit piss-poor in my opinion.  They did play Dutty Wine, but I was like the only person doing it, big disappointment.  Ah well, back to doing it in my closet in front of my full length mirror, coulda one ah dem!  Anywho, we had the most fun after the club when we went to White Castle to get something to drink and some milkshakes, @ first we went to McDonald's for some sundaes but the m-f-ers ain't have no sundaes, @ 2 in the a.m., how you gon be 24-hours, and run out of shit???  Anyhow we were just buggin out and it was a well needed break from the stresses of boring ass adult life and trifling ass "Mr. Big."  So yea, good times!  Tomorrow I start on The Fat Smash Diet for 9 days, so hopefully I'll lose some more weight, Oct. is steadily creeping up and I do want to look flyyy.  I was thinking about a wrap around dress (I don't even like dresses, just want to do something fresh and different).  I'll keep you abreast of how that goes.

WEEKEND UPDATE

I was supposed to pick "Mr. Big" up tonight but he sent me a text saying that he didn't need one, so I was relieved cause I was watching Inside Man, but then I got anxious and my chest got tight and I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. I think another thing that keeps me trapped in this relationship is that I feel like he's let me in and that if the relationship sours, I'll lose all the time and energy spent earning his trust and developing a sense of comfort. I guess that's what keeps a lot of people around, the investment. But I just don't know, I refuse to wear myself out obsessing over this man tonight, I have to get a life.  On another note, I'm going to buy a disposable camera and take some new pics, cause my main pic is like 2 years old. Also my "brother" KiKi from Canada is staying here for the week so I want to document the time spent, I haven't seen him since I went to Haiti two years ago. He's so cute, he looks like a chocolate ass Kobe Bryant. Anywho, where is everyone, no one's been on Myspace all weekend!

UGH.

Ugh, so here I go to pick up you know who and argue about yesterday, or not, who knows.  I'm so sick to my heart about this impending night.  The only upside to "Mr. Big" is that he makes my life interesting, but shootouts are interesting in their own, you can't look away after you've dusted yourself off from dropping to the ground, kind of way.  So whatever, life is to be lived, love is to be given, happiness comes from within and nothing is promised.  I'll let you know whahappens.

EMOTIONAL

So yea, it may be that time of the month, but that has nothing to do with what I am about to say.  As much as I love and care for "Mr. Big," almost everyday I battle with the idea of being with someone else.  Physically more than emotionally, but sometimes they can compensate for each other.  I can't keep waiting for the magical day when he's going to open his heart to me and show me the amount of affection I know I deserve.  So at this point I feel like I have all my eggs in one basket.  And the basket has been in the freezer, and my hand is getting frost bite...I feel like he needs to be in control of the pace of our relationship and always has to initiate any kind of romance, which he rarely does.  It makes me think of all the past relationships I've had, and how many were unhealthy, some were toxic, but I long for the few truly beautiful ones that made me feel so loved.   Believe me, I know that by  spending so much of my time with him and making him such an integral part of my life, I am not leaving any room for Mr. Right or anyone else for that matter, to come into my life.  But I know you can all relate to having that one person who knows your true self and brings the best of out of you, and that you have an attachment to that is so strong you don't know if you can ever pull away for good.  I think he and I need to have another "talk."  But it's like, what more can I say?  "I can't make you love me if you don't, and I can't make your heart feel, something it won't." -Can't remember who sang that song, but it's too true.

LORD GIVE ME STRENGTH:

To not smack the shit out of my supervisor.  It almost went down tonight.  She was riding my ass in the annoying "i'm just trying to do my job" way that she does and I was already fed up with her idiotic tasks and her den-mother behavior.  So we start closing for the night, and I start to count my register, she's all in my damn face and as soon as I make my register even she tries to snatch it from me, I'm like can I audit it then you can count - she's the only person who does that shit, all the other managers (of which she is NOT, she's just a glorified cashier) let you do what you do and then they count your register and your deposit bag when you are ready.  So anyway, my assistant manager sent me home.  Oh well.  I can't stand that bitch, I hate working with her.  

She NEVER does shit, just finds dumb shit for us to do.  I hope I find another job soon so I can quit and curse her the fuck out.  Fake ass, too-much make-up wearing, stop beating me over the head with that being saved shit, stop dressing like you're a manager, how come I know more about your job than you - ass bitch.  I'm sorry but she really took me to an emotional place tonight.  I hate that some people can get under my skin like that, I think I'm just stressed about still being at this job and knowing I need more.  Aight I feel a little better, sorry about all the vulgarity.

WHAT YA MAMA GAVE YA

Yay!  Got weighed and measured @ the gym yesterday!  I've lost 4 lbs!!  Only 9 lbs till I'm under 200!!  Alright no more exclamation marks...!  But on some real I'm truly glad that I'm losing, and I haven't even moderated my diet, imagine if I cut back and did some extra walking, I think I'm gonna put it into high gear next month so that I can make my goal by Oct.  I don't know if I told ya, but I rejoined the gym to lose 20 lbs for my 5-year highschool reunion.  I'm well on my way, so that's a good look, and it'll be nice to be under 200, it's been years...

IF A ONE A DEM...

I learned how to do the dutty wine and got can A+ from my co-worker Amisha, she's Guyanese so that's wassup.  I just kept watching Youtube, now the damn song is stuck in my head!  But I love learning new dances, now to go to a party and test it out...if only I could do a split...Youtube worked for me! 

SOUNDTRACK OF MY LIFE

Damn, what would be the play-list for the soundtrack of my life?  The inspiration for this blog comes from this artist Deemi that I discovered when I was listening to Hot97 late night and they played her joint called Soundtrack of My Life...the song is fire, she's dope, she has a myspace page DEEMI, check that song though, it's so deep.  So I pose the question to you as I try to answer it myself.  Definitely post your top 5 if you comment.  But right now I would have to say the soundtrack would start with Mighty Love by the Spinners, My Life by Mary J., This Can't Be Life - Jay-Z, What You Waiting For - Gwen Stefani, and Soundtrack of My Life - Deemi, cause like the song says "When I was young I was a really good girl...remember when I had no need for niggaz and trees."  WTF happened? (and no, of course I don't smoke).

PRINCESS

Yesterday night "Mr. Big" and I almost stopped being friends, period.  It was a stupid argument that snowballed into sweeping statements, but we got it back to a good place before I went home.  When I got into the foyer, I saw a shadow on the floor by the stairs.  @ first I thought it was a cat that had strayed into the house, but when I turned on the lights I saw that it was a puppy!  I ran upstairs to my cousin and inquired as to the owner, and he said that my mom brought it home.  When I asked my mother, she confirmed that we were new puppy parents. Princess is a chocolate brown Lab with blue eyes (my mother named her so don't frown your face up at me), I love her already, she's two months and she's so sweet.  This is a big deal since this is my first pet ever!  I'll have pictures soon!
This morning I woke up EARLY and hit the gym, showered and dressed to go to Downtown Newark with "Mr. Big."  He bought a new Yankee fitted (he's into baseball, go figure) and then we hit Main Street and he bought a PlayStation and two games for his son's upcoming birthday on Sunday.  He doesn't wrap so I had to handle that for him, Princess was in my room as we got the gifts in order, and the cutest thing happened, "Mr. Big" got down on the floor and rolled around playing with Princess, I'm sorry but that's the kind of stuff that makes you want to give up the draws. Anyhow, I had a great day and I just finished tearing up some Spanish food, I'm watching Will & Grace and then my two Frasiers and taking it down, like a true princess.
P.S.  "Mr. Big" and I talk about kids and a family a lot, we already have our roles down pat, I'd be Mommy-no-fun and he'd be fun-Daddy and I'd always be ruining all the childish activities he'd encourage.  We've talked about names before but today he said all of his son's have to follow in his tradition and their names should end with -ito.  So I've always said that my first son was going to be named David Paul after my father who passed away, and today he says that we could call him Davito instead, I said no son of mine is gonna be named Davito.  It's kind of strange, but somehow we just assume we're gonna have a family, even though we haven't had sex in 2 years, interesting right?

Be Cool.

Sooo...on one of the hottest days of the summer, I think it fitting to take into perspective things that are and could be pretty cool.  The coolest thing would be if I get back into school in the spring, I'd be so proud of myself and motivated to propel my life into a new phase.  It'd be cool if "Mr. Big" told me how he truly felt about me and our relationship was defined and had a set future.  It's really cool that I have been going to the gym consistently since I began - with no loss of momentum.  It's cool that I've been abstinent since March, by choice and just because I've had other priorities.  It'd be extra cool if I could get my A/C in my car fixed, but I'd be quite content with tackling some smaller jobs in the Ac that are in need of attention.  It'd be cool to get a better job and with it some more financial stability, but it's kinda cool that I've been @ K&G going on a year @ the end of the month, looks good on the resume so that's cool.  It'd be cool to go to Maryland or somewhere nice before the seasons change and enjoy the summer, and what would be the coolest was if gas prices came down to $2 or under so that I wouldn't have to make life decisions at the gas pump.  No one likes to choose gas or dinner!  In general though, I'm pretty content with my life, but moving forward and meeting 24 head on would be cool.