Writer's Block

I've really wanted to blog for a month now. I kept postponing it thinking that once I transfer my Myspace blog I'll be ready. But I printed out my Myspace for backup and it was well over 30 pages. There's 3 years of steady blogging trapped on the Space. Ugh, the thought of transferring each one is overwhelming. I have also felt like even though I've had emotional moments and deep thoughts and great events to discuss, something inside was keeping me from feeling so inclined. It's weird, but that's also how I feel about my own personal writing. My poetry, I haven't written a new poem in Godknowswhen. It's an uncomfortable feeling when people praise my writing ability and I think to myself I haven't written anything in forever. I feel like it's a disservice to myself and to the people that believe in my talent. Like why haven't I pursued any work in that field? I know I'm not the most motivated person but I should be doing more with the gifts I have. I'll try to work on that.

Anyhow quick re-cap of the past months since my FAB trip to Cabo.

-Came back from Cabo couldn't get back in the swing of work.
-I was approaching 2 years natural, but by the end of May, I had cut and straightened my hair into a fierce style but when it was curly, it looked a mess.
-I had to perm it. Since then, it's been a steady trip down short hair lane and now I'm on my Halle Berryyy, Halle Berry. I love it, I feel free and happy.
-I plan on going natural again and doing it right.
-Benito has disrespected me for the last time. I told him I would take his ass to court, he owes me a sum of money, and he has till April 2010 to pay me back. I feel no need to communicate with him anymore.
-The rest of my love life is uneventful. And summer is almost over! Boo-hunting on overdrive, lol!

::AZ 360::

I've already informed most of my close friends and now I'm discussing it for posterity. I'm moving to Arizona next year. Beginning May 1st my plan will be in motion and I will be in Arizona April, 2010. Ever since I discussed it with mom, and she responded with emphatic enthusiasm, my resolve has been solidified. I've been feeling ecstatic and relieved, and now I know that this is the best decision I've ever made. I've been feeling trapped in a rut for the past couple of years and continually disappointed that I have not returned to school. But what better way to kick start my life than a new state, a new start, and perpetual sunshine? Many people say why Arizona, why not ATL or Florida? Honestly I've always been fascinated by Arizona, the desert climate, the sunsets, the culture. And it's on the other side of the country, it's an adventure. I've been doing a lot of research and am not going into this blindly. I've lived on my own before but it was 7 years ago and I was young and stressed out. 26 is the perfect age. It means a lot to me. It symbolizes many significant milestones in my history. My mother was 26 when she had me, this year marks 13 years since my father's passing - I have lived exactly 1/2 of my life with him and 1/2 without. It boggles the mind. And for some reason, I feel like this year calls for a grand gesture, a daring choice. With all of that said, maybe I won't like it, maybe I won't succeed...New Jersey will always be here, that's a fact. I'm tired of Jersey, the winters depress me, and I feel like there's nothing to keep me here (of course I'll miss family and friends!). At least I'm making my life's story interesting and keeping the pages turning, and like my hair idol Jill Scott crooned "Living my life like it's GOLDEN!"

Take It On the Chin

Listening to Wendy Williams @ lunch today, she stated that studies show women with longer chins (a male trait) tend to be more promiscuous and less faithful due to more testosterone in their systems. I mean, I've never been loose but I also haven't been in any long term committed relationships. It makes me wonder if looking like my father has caused me to have some masculine values. Perhaps it's moreso because I was raised by him, and never was exposed to emotional vulnerability and tenderness...TBC...

"All I do is dress, and rest."

Howyoudoin'? I only have 6 days until I am on my flight to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico for 5 days of R & damn R! Well needed and highly anticipated... yes - prepared for, NO. I just, just ordered my wardrobe for the trip from Old Navy online, whom I do most of my summer shopping with, (cheap and disposable, and I know my sizing in everything). I did express 2-day, but because I ordered just now, who knows if it will arrive Monday or Tuesday? Ah well, still need sandals, a new digital camera, and a big ass beach hat. But, since I'm off this Friday, and up anyway, I made a quick collage of the items I ordered so that I could go shopping for extras before it arrives. Don't you love it. It says, laid back, colorful, cute. That's me. And for the value, can't beat it. 17 items for $200, I'm not new to this! Anyhow I am so thankful for this trip, my job, my cool ass manager that cushioned the 5 days with 3 scheduled days off so that I won't be anywhere near Macy's for 8 straight days. Who's bad? I plan on taking bukoo vacation videos this time around and going whale watching as well (apparently this is the season), also hitting up the spa. But mostly, I want to luxuriate on the beach with a piña colada and forget about all of my angst. I just want to enjoy myself, it's ME time!!!!!

Whatevs

Here are the constants in my relationship equation:  I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, until of course, I'm not, then I try to be with someone that's very effusive and attentive and it's all too much.  I need a balance, I can't and do not have the ability to have either extreme.  I've been conditioned by the few male influences in my life to be a bit emotionally reserved, it always comes off as aloof and indifferent, when really, I think situations over with such manic repetition, it's a problem.  But verbalizing how I feel, is more of a problem, because as much as someone wants you to be real, they don't realize how real I can be without filters (Brad knows, lol).  And I'm at my core a considerate person.  I play things out, like 3 steps ahead, and usually veto the first thoughts that come to mind.  And so.  I'm single, and really, not very optimistic since I am still, still?  still.  dealing with someone from 9 years ago.  When I was a completely different person.  Someone whom I vaguely remember.  And yet my naivete has kept me chained to this person.  For years.  Without ANY progress.  It's, depraved.  It's wrong.  It's my choice.  And yet - if I had the balls to say the things I really want to say to him when they come to mind, he would be out of my life.  Or if I had never called him after months of not speaking, or not answered the phone when he did the last fucked up thing.  At all of these bookmarks in the life of this relationship, I could have closed this chapter of my life, but I keep flipping back to the first page, as if the story is going end differently, it's not!  I know, I know.  Anyhow this rant is just so that I can know how I felt about this on this night, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.  Whatever.

Let Me Tell You Something...

Lately, I've been beginning many a statement with "let me tell you something about life", in a sassy/sarcastic, about to say something borderline snarky, kind of way.  Oh and honey I feel these 26 years now.  Sore muscles, long days, "the future" seeming like a shorter period of time than it used to.  I'm no longer in the formative years of my 20s, I now feel like I'm hurdling towards 30 without many accomplishments or safety nets.  But it does afford me the opportunity to impress myself, to see exactly how much I can accomplish before the next decade of my life.  I'm pretty comfortable in life right now.  None of my relationships with men are on a relationship track, but that's ok.  No, really.  I just want to move though!  I want to pick up and skip town, especially as this winter weather drags on and on.  It's depressing, drains me of what motivation I might have had, and keeps me from being as active as I know I need to be.  This spring/summer, I'm going to find another gym and get down to my goal weight finally (170).  Why not?
I feel myself really being myself lately.  I mean, I'm in my own skin.  What I'm saying is, I'm growing up.  I have more set views, a little less patience, but still so many hopes, interests, and questions.  I'm doin Rihanna, "live ya life".  I am highly optimistic, and happy.  I am blessed, and grateful for the things I have.  I am getting my finances in order, and planning for major purchases, etc.  But on my day to day, it's like this, life is like a box of chocolates honey.  And I love chocolate.

2009. Deadline.

Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.

I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.

I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but

I am going to Cabo in 2 months

and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.

There are new people in my life. But none of them make me feel the way I feel just being around Benito, burning him a CD, us riding in my car listening to Boot

Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.

BoA

Bank of America has siphoned at least 400 dollars of my hard earned money in the couple years I've been a customer.  Due to DAMN overdraft fees.  Yo $35 a pop ain't no joke.  And no, I would not benefit from overdraft protection because I just started using my savings and I can't trust that there will always be enough to cover me.  The thing that irks me though, and makes me feel like this whole system was intentionally designed to make me look like I am some irresponsible spender, is how one day you check your balance and are in the black, and the next day they have completely rearranged your purchases and laid it out so that you are out a GRIP.  It hurts and I physically react whenever I have to give this bank my money.  I have been doing so well.  But since I bought my tires my account was a little lower than usual, and bam!  They got me.  My advice, don't spend over a holiday weekend using debit/credit, it will not work out the way you figured in your head.  Painful, painful lesson learned.  Anyway, to lick my wounds and ease my nausea and feeling of helplessness, I bought a new phone!  I'm so glad I waited, last time I checked it on Sprint, it was $129 after rebates blah blah.  I got it for $99 straight out after $200 instant savings for upgrading.  It's a cute phone, (LG Lotus) QWERTY keyboard finally.  I'm gonna give my mom my old phone (originally hers anyway) so that I can throw her current one out of the window.

*Sidenote* Benito's back on the scene.  No comment.

'09 Resolutions

OK...soooo, '08 wasn't GREAT in the way that I had projected, but it was GOOD.  I accomplished 3 (register to vote, concerts, birthday party) of the 10 resolutions I made last year.  But FAILED terribly at the other 7:

2.  Learn to Sew

3.  Lose 17 lbs
4.  Fix up my Acura
5.  Get back into school
6.  Write more
7.  Read more
8.  Learn how to play the piano

These are still in effect for the new year.  What I will modify is that I am aiming to:

1. Fully pay off 3 or more of my bills by April (improve credit score).
2. A NEW CAR (most likely certified pre-owned).
3. Lose (at least) 10 lbs by March for my trip to Cabo! (I am currently 194 lbs).
4. Be more cultured (museums, plays, arts).
5. Re-design my bedroom! (new flooring, wall color, furniture pieces).

The things that I did not resolve to accomplish but I feel deserve honorable mention are that I only had sex 3 times this entire year.  Only one time was worth it (howudoin'), but atleast I thought about it each and every time.  Also, I have been at my new job for 9 months now and not having any issues (other than tardiness).  I have a positive self image and am considering relationships in a more serious way, slowly.  And I have maintained my natural hair with no intention of backtracking.  So I feel I have grown, and would really like to continue into '09 with strength, courage & wisdom.

 SWEEEET.

As Seen on T.V.

This month has been all about products that you've seen on T.V.  First, I was up at 5AM one night last week, having an insomniac moment, and ended up ordering The Wave by The Firm system.

After it processed I was like...did I just do that (Urkel style)?!  Then I decided that since the work-out system was on it's way (I'm sending it back b4 the 30 days though, trust), let me finally try Dr. Ian Smith's Fat Smash Diet.  I've had that book 4ever and all that's been stopping me is my anxiety with supermarket shopping.  It's a problem.

 

And finally, I was at Rite-Aid and bought the Ped-Egg (only $10).  I swear by that thing!  It brought the heels of my feet back to life!  I was shocked.  Passed it on to my mama.

 

  All of these purchases are in the hopes that I can get it right, get it tight for CABO SAN LUCAS in March (tryna drop that same 10-20 lbs).  Yes darlings, I'm going to Cabo for spring break with the travel buddies (Nia & Julisa)!  Can NOT wait.  I am so ready to soak up some sun and forget that my life is not where I want it to be.  This is the resort!  Viva MEXICO! 

I really think I'm going to move out of New Jersey soon.  I wanted to get everything together then settle somewhere else but now I feel like maybe I need a new start to get started.  Something I'm debating.

Every time I get into a relationship I immediately start to feel like I just trapped myself.  Maybe that's why I dealt with Benito so long, cause it was never anything official, I guess if it had been I would have ran away a long time ago.  I just have attachment issues, I feel like I love and care for Zackery but I still have a lot of walls up.  I don't know how to open up any more.  But he's so loving and different than the rest I feel that it's worth the effort, but it's not my natural instinct, at all.