Let the sunshine in...

We haven't seen my dog Princess since Thursday.  She is the first pet I ever had.  I don't think she ran away as much as she strayed too far from home and got lost.  I feel so helpless.  I want to make fliers, I want to go looking for her for hours, I want my dog back.  The house feels so empty now.  She is definitely a family member, like an annoying sibling, that you love anyway.  I've had her since August.  I hope and pray that somehow we can find her and bring her home.  My heart is really heavy right now because Thursday night she came down the street from having strayed away and my friend let her in the gate and she came up to the porch but I didn't let her in cause I figured my mom or whoever would get her and take her in the back.  I think it's my fault she's gone.  I feel horrible.  So I've been fucked up about that all weekend, but I've been spending time with my little brother Dontes, and listening to him vent about his drama, and it's made it easier to cope.  Today was beautiful, it was 77 degrees most of the afternoon.  I went to the gym and then hit the $3 car wash and came home to shower.  It took me a while to do my hair and get cute for the weather, and all I had planned for my day off was to drive around with "my beat down low, and my top laid back."  

Thankfully Don called me wanting to hang out so I scooped him and we drove around for a while making people mad at us, having a good ol' time.  We headed back to my house cause my mom cooked and while me and Don chilled on the porch, he told me that he would have tried to kick it to me.  That was very endearing but when we met in 05', I did have a crush on him but when I adopted him as my little brother I never thought of him in that way again.  Also I'm 4 years older than him and I take being "brother and sister" seriously, I love the people I adopt into my life as much as any natural relative, and sometimes more, because I chose to share my life with them.
 

Underwhelmed

I've been spending a lot of time w/my new friend and after a month of kicking it, I am just generally underwhelmed with the situation.  It's his personality, he's very laid back and comes off as really nonchalant.  I feel like the relationship is too much on my shoulders.  I call him to chill and he's always willing and comes right away but it's just wack that I'm initiating things.  I'm not pursuing, just in the driver's seat.  I ask "what do you want to do today," he's like "whatever you want to do," I want to say, "find someone with a damn opinion", but instead I suggest things like going to the movies, out to eat, Blockbuster nights, etc.  We have a lot of fundamental things in common (he's Haitian also, his father passed away too), you would think this wouldn't be brain surgery, but something is not clicking.  It might be me, I might still be in shell shock from the aftermath of Benito and very hesitant about being vulnerable to deeper feelings.  Whatever the case, I feel like, something has to change.  I was talking to a friend today and acknowledging that as I'm not getting any younger, I can't afford to waste time with relationships that don't seem promising.  Woe is me.

Life is Good.

So, it's good, counting down the minutes till payday cause my check is going to be out of control, Imma fix my broke ass window (the motor died months ago, it hasn't moved on it's own in forever, I just keep it jammed up in the corners of the door, good thing no one around the way is a car thief, whew.), get an oil change and tune up, and IPOD! (better late than never people), and even try to go to the supermarket and shop for some fruits and veggies so that I can start this diet I've been meaning to try out.  Other than that I plan on going out and having a good time as frequently as possible, being a homebody is cool but I think as I get older I am getting more antsy, I want more opportunities to take great pictures that just scream "aren't I having fun!", I know this Friday I'm going to see Premonition and to a comedy show, other than that, just working and keeping it together, paying bills and being an adult.  Oh yea, I need to get my damn car inspected, ASAP!   I met someone, we've been kicking it, it's cool, it's casual, he's really nice.  Any further questions please send me a message, lol.

Commentary...

Is it just me, or is Puffy's new video (Last Night) a carbon copy of Usher's (Let It Burn), i.e; the floor to ceiling photo of a chick, the pool, the vibe.  Just cause he launched Usher's career oh so long ago doesn't give Diddy license to launch the same video.
Is anyone else disappointed that Tyrie, that only person w/ sense on The Real World Denver as far as I'm concerned, let that crazy chick Brooke kiss him!  & in the preview for next week it looks like he's grabbin up on his girlfriend, this is not a good look.  I thought he was going to break the Real World/black man curse, ahh well.

Yes, I watch The Hills, and yes I'm on Lauren's side, I think Heidi is an idiot and her boyfriend is the spawn of Satan.
I'm excited about America's Next Top Model (ANTM) this season but if they don't get rid of that spastic broad Renee, Imma go crazy.'
I'm excited to see the new HBO movie Life Support w/ Queen Latifah, looks like a tear-jerker.

A Thin Line.

Yesterday Lenny came to see me after we got off of work.  I wasn't even acting like I usually do all guilty and judgmental cause it's been 2 months since I've ... and I needed some TLC.  So we're all into it, kissing and whatnot and I was like let's go.  Then he says we can't cause his girl  is home and he doesn't want to get caught out there, as in he wouldn't have time to destroy any evidence of indiscretion.  I mean, I know I was wrong for even saying it but to me it was like a wrinkle in time, and I told him that that was probably going to be his only chance because once I regain my common sense I'm not going to be beat anymore.  And that was that.  I shared this with ya'll cause I'm only human.  I obviously don't want to be in this kind of situation but I guess for the time being it is my lot in life.  So there it is...my shame of the week.  Isn't he so cute though, doesn't even look like a dog.

"Arrf."

I said to myself: self...

Yes, another year tacked on to my life count.  & some realizations have resurfaced.  When I was younger, music was literally my best friend, I went to sleep to Nas, Stevie Wonder, folk music cassette tapes, copied Mary J songs off of Hot97, do chores to music filling the apartment.  Now as an adult I only listen to music in my car.  Or on my computer, but it isn't the score of my life like it was in my adolescence, and it saddens me.  I used to cocoon myself in soul music, R&B, hip hop and rap, now I just visit.  So I am going to make a conscious effort to turn off the T.V. @ night and just play a cd (probably of music I burned from Limewire) and try to find that feeling that it used to give me.  I know it's not just me, that most music has lost it's allure and purity, but I should also explore artists and genres I usually don't open up to.  All of this to say that I know there are things that you leave behind as you grow up, but there are many things that you should never lose.  And I will fight to keep music in my heart, cause it got me through so much.

Car-ma

So today is my day off, I just woke up bout 30 minutes ago and now I'm all fucked up in the game.  My car was supposedly fixed 2 weeks or more ago, they put in a new rack and pinion and then new ball joints (all having to do with the steering).  But my car is still not aligned properly and I'm done giving the shop around the corner 2nd chances, I don't care if the mechanic likes me or not (gonna call me wishing me Happy Valentine's Day, hmph.)  So now I have two options.  Drive, in my unstable car, all the way to Roselle to a shop that fixed my car twice last year and really knows what they are doing - Or go to Central Ave.  to my oil change spot and have them check it out before I do anything else to see what's really going on.  Either way I can't continue to drive this old ass Lincoln, people thinking I'm a cute ass taxi driver and whatnot.  So today is the day, something's gotta give.

Mos @ BAM

Lemme try to summarize a milestone night so that you can all get the feeling w/o feeling like you're studying for class.  I bought these tickets 1 month ago, as a birthday gift to myself.  Orchestra, off to the right, 9 rows back.  Started @ 8, I didn't get out of the Holland Tunnel till 8:10.  Got there bout 8:30 all distraught thinking they wouldn't let me in but all I missed was the local talent (The Brooklyn Academy of Music is having a "Brooklyn Next" series where Mos performs @ the end).  bout 9PM, the man was on the stage.  I was beyond expression, pure elation and excitement, feelings that felt somewhat foreign, but a welcomed return.  The man performed BellBivDevoe's Poison to a live band, nuff said folks.  He's a cool character, he's sarcastic and humble, charismatic and a true talent.  It was a pleasure, and a true gift. 

P.S.  I gave my mom her 50th Bday gift tonight, a matte 8x12 photo of her mother in which the background was made black and white and she remained in color.  I bought a nice frame and she loved it. 

Also, I bought a digital camera today!!  Woohoo...

Ain't she a beaut?  Anywho, figured out the video mode as I waited for Mos, but only got 20 seconds cause I forgot to put in my new memory card...ahh well...I uploaded it to my vids and I tried to podcast it but I have no idea what that's about, but I tried.  Nite ya'll.

Bboy Boy...

Just got off of a marathon phone episode with my homeboy Danny.  He moved to Fresno last Oct. and we haven't talked as much since.  But our relationship was never about the daily chatter, it's been built on quality talks sprinkled among the humdrum of life over the years.  So for the initial hour it was a dialogue, then we 3-wayed Xica and terms like High Scrub Rate and topics like "My Dick in a Box as the perfect Valentine's Day Gift" came into the mix.  

Then we 4-wayed one of his prospects and chatted her up, but as far as I'm concerned she was just being cordial and found us to be a little too ghetto for her taste.  She set a record for the quickest phone convo dismount and it was back to 3.  At which point hypotheticals such as being on a flight and hearing: *Ding*  «It is now safe to eat chicken in the cabin» - were fair game.  I love that I have intelligent friends with no qualms about acting a damn fool and analyzing even the silliest phrases.  It's what makes life amusing, and bearable.  So I'm very thankful to Xica and Danny, for rounding out this given Sunday, and being true blue friends all of these years, and to prove it, our 2~>3~>4~>3 convo lasted a whopping 154mins:19secs!!  Good times.

Xica's Response:

Ay yo ga' (That means.. "hey you girl" in country grammar which means.. "hello miss" in English).. I knew there was something special about you since I met you!!.. Anyways.. you know Danny and I love you dearly.. now on to commenting on your blog.. lol.

•FIRST OF ALL... WHERE did you get that diagram?!!?.. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!  
•Danny talking about my scrub rate = hilarious!
•Were we really ghetto? or was she just not "down" enough?.. (1 of my 20 questions).. lol.. I don't think we said anything crazy..
•I am still laughing about the chicken thing.. we are so into slave mentality we look around before eating our chicken and tone our laughs down.. this may be why I eat chicken (thighs, wings.. whatever the parts are with bones) with a fork .. or maybe not.. maybe I'm just like that.. but whatever.. I hope it's the latter.
•She's gangsta though.. she didn't even fake yawn.. she just said.."welp... uhhh.. i'm going to get off the phone now.." awww.. lol.. she seems cool..
•I'm still laughing about me embarrassing the HELL out of Danny when I said something to our teacher that day in class.. she was inappropriate and I'm gonna need Danny not to be ashamed of me, his other mother.. what did he say I had on?.. a trench coat???... LMAO.. remind me pleaaaase!
•I'm mad you two knocked my "Scoo" but didn't help me do it!!.. BoooooooOO
•And yea.. when I got off my phone I thought.. damnnn.. and then I did the count down of how many hours I had before I had to wake up for work..  it was a low number.. but it was worth it!

Love you!!

*Xica*

This Month.

So I have a marker board calendar hanging on my wall that I update every month.  It's been very helpful to me ever since I started working, but it also puts things into perspective.  I put my pressing matters and goals on the margins and see what I've accomplished each month.  This was a good month.  So I decided to step it up with more tasks, why not?  I guess I need to ask more of myself, even though I know intrinsically I'm not driven by success, I want to be accomplished and comfortable.  So I have to want it for myself, not because other people want it for me.  I've come a long way mentally and emotionally these past couple years, and I'm proud, but now that I know I will never regress to my low point again, I can seek higher heights, with confidence, and a feeling of, entitlement I'd say, as in, I deserve it, whatever road I go down, I deserve to be happy along the way.  Since my birthday is coming up, I guess I felt compelled to make an introspective statement as I go into my 24th year of life.  To mark my progress as an individual, and see what develops in this new year.