13 on the phone---

 I think that in a way, Brian is like a (the first word that comes to mind is) box.  I pour myself into him and he closes. - Excerpt from my diary dated 5/10/96

I still have little to no ability to communicate effectively with men.  When I was a teenager, and had my very first crush, talking on the phone was always a disaster.  Absolutely awkward.  Where most households are filled with conversation and social conditioning, mine was much quieter and introverted, my father would work on his computer, watch TV, sleep, and I would be left to my own devices.  So when it came to meaningless banter, I was at a loss.  A complete and utter, painfully uncomfortable loss.  Looking back on it, I feel the same uneasy embarrassment as I did while listening to my object of desire breath on the phone.  I always waited for them to initiate conversation.   Now talking on the phone is a talent, relating to men in a social setting is instinctual, but expressing deep emotions and frustrations brings me back to that place in my mind, 13, no experience with boys, nothing to say and no knowledge of how, even if I did.  It frustrates me because I am so connected to my thoughts when writing, they ease out of my psyche with form and purpose, but when in the presence of someone whom I love or care for, I am bone dry.  It's an irony that is not lost on me, yet a handicap I cannot conquer.