Fair to Middling

My older cousin always replies to my "how are you" question with "fair to middling."  I've been better than that since this summer and am carrying my contentment into the fall and new year.  I know I have a lot of untapped potential; career potential, physical potential, life potential.  I have to address all of these facets in order to claim authority over my happiness.  Being in school has really helped renew my self-esteem and has given me motivation that I want to extend into an ailing arena, my health.  I have always struggled with my horrendous eating habits and lack of discipline and self-control. When I was at my heaviest, it was less over-eating than the effects of medication, but still the lowest point in my exterior journey.  So now that I am my average weight, I really want to push past this fair to middling body and expose my true potential!  I believe I can do it, I just have to find way to reconfigure my lifestyle so that I can eat better and stay active without feeling like I'm missing out on indulgences.  It's never been easy to rationalize feeling deprived or miserable chasing someone else's standard of beauty.  What I'm realizing is that I want to be the leading lady in my own life, a concept I embraced from the movie "The Holiday."  So I've jumped the gun and decided to recommit myself to my fitness and emotional development, (weight loss and blogging) and these are my two pre-year resolutions!  2011 get ready!

Fixation

This morning I need to talk about body image.  I just finished watching a documentary "America the Beautiful" about our fixation on unrealistic standards of beauty.  It struck a nerve with me especially now that the summer season is upon us and suddenly Facebook is inundated with stats touting gym, diet, and other things no one really worries about in the winter.  I have always felt like the biggest girl in every circle.  When I had a larger chest it was on the back-burner as I was being sexualized so that I didn't have a chance to feel fat.  When I was the smallest I've been in my adult life it was only after having an emotional breakdown my first year of college, I was skinny because of stress.  Not a good time to feel beautiful.  My body image has been fairly regular, having my most difficult times from middle through high school when I had a 36DDD chest.  Since 18 and my breast reduction, (now a 38D) I've been fixated on my stomach.  It's never flat, I feel like if it just disappeared I would be beautiful.  My clothes would fall correctly and I would be attractive and sexy.  After removing parts of my breasts in an unnecessary surgery I still don't feel pretty.  Think about it.  It's fucked up.  I always say to people, I love my body except my stomach.  My stomach should be the part I love the very most.  It is my womanhood.  I hope to one day bear children and it will become my crowning glory, growing life, nurturing a being.  A wise man once said:

B*tches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a n*gga, "You f*cked up my self-esteem." B*tch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your motherf*ckin' self. How am I gonna f*ck up how you feel about you simple b*tch?

 That wise man was Katt Williams.  Beyond the crude language, he has a point.  It's impossible at the end of the day to blame outside sources for how I feel about myself.  I can pinpoint influences that have been negative or of detriment, but only I wake up everyday and critique my body in my full length mirror before I go into the shower.  Only I obsess over my stomach in bed at night, wishing it away, only I feel insecure when men tell me I'm beautiful.  That's me.  I do a lot of self degradation with little outside help.  The media may fuel the flame, my mother may ignite my fire at times, but only I keep it burning.  And so even as I have a date this morning with my friend Schnovey to go walking and shop for a fruit and veggies only diet (she also hates only her tummy), I do so with trepidation.  I have very unhealthy eating habits and I know that if I had a weaker constitution I could fall victim to an eating disorder, it's a slippery slope.  So this spring and summer I am going to work on building my self esteem, feeling less paranoid in society (I'm EXTREMELY self-conscious always feeling like people are dissecting me, it informs my actions when driving sometimes, I have anxiety at red lights wondering if the next car is looking at me, it's crazy!) and loving every part of me everyday.  Even if I aspire to lose weight and change my outward appearance, I want and need to maintain a positive self image.  Forever.  Period.