Textual Relations

10/13/10 - The last two weeks I've established a textual relationship with an old crush...the chemistry is amazing.  Like a volcano the vibe is casual but bubbling underneath is an emotional lava river, both of us wondering when to erupt and let it flow.  Perpetual singleness can leave you in an attention-needing - slightly desperate head-space.  I need to evaluate my motivations, my honest feelings.  Then again aren't emotions always honest in the moment, no matter what the catalyst?  I have been imagining marriage, children, my possible future with the men I've dealt with my entire life, much more seriously the past few years.  Some fantasies seem more attainable than others.  What am I willing to compromise in order to achieve my ideal family?  How honest can we both be?  And for how long?  Questions like this surface when I realize I feel a way about someone.

10/15/10 - Feelings are cool.  I've learned over the years not to let them get away from me.  It was an interesting day.  Saw my very first crush, someone I met when I was 9 years old in 4th grade and asked out on the phone (dying of embarrassment) in 5th grade, and it was like coming full circle from that shy middle-schooler to the outgoing lady I am today.  We basically caught up over lunch and it was nice to know that time puts everyone on an even playing field.  As far as my textual relations, he has definitely helped me stay focused on school by being my main male interest while being out of reach.  He remains just that, out of reach, and the realities of that distance are realer than anything.   

All Matter

Bilal Oliver's new album Air Tight's Revenge is incredible.  I've been living off of First Born Second and his unreleased Love for Sale all of these years and finally his new music has arrived and breathed new life into me!  My favorite song "All Matter" asks, with yearning, "what is love?," answers descriptively "cool on the outside hot in the middle...you ain't even gotta try, all you gotta do is realize."  It's all matter.  That's what life boils down to.  Things composed of matter, colliding, interacting, reacting, loving.  On to that oh so elusive subject - love.  I feel like LL Cool J these days, needing love, hearing my conscience call.  Have I ever known love?  Have I ever held it in my heart and loved someone unconditionally?  I doubt it.  I doubt that romantic love is some latent ability that activates when you encounter your soul's mate.  Highly doubt it.  Instead I believe it is an accumulation of lessons you learn from significant others.  This is how you should love me.  This is not.  And so on.  My lack of relationships has me in a lurch.  Not enough lessons learned, which impedes my desire to learn with anyone new!  What a mess.  A lonesome mess.  My heart keeps telling me that I will know when someone is worth the agony, the trials of being taught to love.  So I will date with trepidation, and one day fall with my eyes wide open, into the most informative experience of my life.  Here's hoping. 

P.S.  Katie and I are going to see Bilal perform at BB King's tonight!  It's going to be an amazing day I hope I have the wherewithal to blog about it!