Flash Focus

I hate the term falling out of love.  To me it's not an actuality.  What I believe really happens is that you slowly begin to forget love.  Just like grieving never ends yet the pain is slowly forgotten.  I miss Benito.  I can't help it, our function was dysfunction but that's the only taste of love and passion I've had thus far.  Yea I've been emotionally scarred by him but I've learned a lot.  Strangely the flashes of memories that come to me are all quite random.  The night he called crying saying he was a fuck up and apologizing about something messed up he'd done, how I was so worried b/c I've never heard him cry, better yet weeping so shamelessly.  How he ended up watching ESPN in my room and I fell asleep in the nook, on his chest.  How I held that happiness inside that night, and wished it could always be that way.  His power over me was so intimidating and daunting at times.  I had to muster up courage to be honest and strength to hold back cruel words.  I had to love.  Now I have to let go, again.  I think about his smirk, and his tone when he was feeling vulnerable, how beautiful he looked after a haircut, in this powder blue t-shirt he wore to sleep.  His walk.  And all the moments when I feared or loathed him have already faded away.  That amazes me, saddens me, suspends me in a false sense of nostalgia which should be utter relief.  But I could never bring myself to focus on his negatives forever.  I honestly hope that one day years from now he'll think of me, and whatever emotions he feels, smile.  I know I'll doing that for the rest of my life ::sigh::