Flash Focus

I hate the term falling out of love.  To me it's not an actuality.  What I believe really happens is that you slowly begin to forget love.  Just like grieving never ends yet the pain is slowly forgotten.  I miss Benito.  I can't help it, our function was dysfunction but that's the only taste of love and passion I've had thus far.  Yea I've been emotionally scarred by him but I've learned a lot.  Strangely the flashes of memories that come to me are all quite random.  The night he called crying saying he was a fuck up and apologizing about something messed up he'd done, how I was so worried b/c I've never heard him cry, better yet weeping so shamelessly.  How he ended up watching ESPN in my room and I fell asleep in the nook, on his chest.  How I held that happiness inside that night, and wished it could always be that way.  His power over me was so intimidating and daunting at times.  I had to muster up courage to be honest and strength to hold back cruel words.  I had to love.  Now I have to let go, again.  I think about his smirk, and his tone when he was feeling vulnerable, how beautiful he looked after a haircut, in this powder blue t-shirt he wore to sleep.  His walk.  And all the moments when I feared or loathed him have already faded away.  That amazes me, saddens me, suspends me in a false sense of nostalgia which should be utter relief.  But I could never bring myself to focus on his negatives forever.  I honestly hope that one day years from now he'll think of me, and whatever emotions he feels, smile.  I know I'll doing that for the rest of my life ::sigh::

I have my ways...

...I know this about myself.  But lately I've been feeling like I've been losing brain cells from all of my non-activity.  I mean yea I'm a homebody and I love to sleep but this is ridiculous.  My sleep schedule is all fucked up, up all night, waking up in the afternoon.  Nothing to show for these two months on unemployment.  Haven't worked out my school situation or even written anything of interest.  Just watching the seasons change and wondering if I have at all.  I've been saying I wanted to start walking so that I could maintain my weight loss, but no, I keep using the fact that I haven't bought an IPOD as an excuse.  Psh.  Nobody can feel as bad about the things I haven't accomplished as me.  Trust.  But I don't operate off of people reminding me of shit I'm not doing.  I'm not out there fucking my life up, it's just not moving forward at a rate most people would be comfortable with.  In the bigger picture, like my brother Brad always says, I'm good.  I have a lot of things that people my age won't have for another 5-10 years.  So just let me do things in my time.  Otherwise I won't do them at all, and still be happy.  Cause I'm not about living my life to please others anymore.  Naw pimpin, I'm not the one.

Top 5 T.V. Commentaries

5. So yea, I keep missing ANTM, it doesn't look that interesting but I love that there's so many black girls this season!
4. I love watching wedding shows like Married Away now because I have more knowledge of that industry.
3. If you like Frasier, it not only comes on The CW but also on Lifetime after midnite, great for insomniacs.
2. Marathons are awesome because: you can miss an entire season of a show (FX's Damages), catch the marathon, get sucked in just in time to catch the season finale and look forward to next season like you've been a fan all along.
1. I am so pissed off at Sandy aka Pepa from The SaltNPepa Show.  Bitch is you crazy?  A nose job?!  For what? - so you could go into witness protection! I barely recognize you, you dumb, dizzy broad.
1a. I have never given more than two seconds thought to Irv Gotti, but watching his VH1 show (Gotti's Way) makes me like him so much, he reminds me a lot of my boy Marcus, light skinned and loveable.

The Softer Side of Blogging

Today I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. With a twist. Revistiting some past loves and the music that will forever be tied to our times together. Let's begin. Well, definitely have to shout out Reggie T., who taught me the importance of mood music, I dedicate this Ginuwine song to you:

Moving on to more recent liasons, and very old flames all in one, Benito, my one and only kryptonite, the one person who shared my same feverish love of music and interest in it's particulars. Someone who could have made me so happy but consistently mad me so sad, I dedicate, of course, a Boot Camp classic:

Now, onto the last year. I was ahead of the curve with the Rich Boy phenomenon because of my short lived romp with you, Andre, good times though, bad timing, but still I dedicate a song that you were all over long before heads were buying Cadillacs, lol:

There's so many more guys and songs and memories attached to them, but I'll wrap this blog up with Justin, who, I really fucked up with, and, I hope can one day understand, but, who loved Lil' Wayne (I still can't get with him like that) and so I dedicate this last joint to you. It's crazy how a song or a show can bring you back to those happy moments with a person, but it's also a gift because many of those moments are forever lost in the annals of time:

Smoke in the City

I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment.  I'm just thinking about life - mainly relationships, trying to connect some dots.  I've had some conversations with folks and I've concluded that most of us in our mid-20s are finding that those instant attractions and chance meetings are becoming fewer and farther between.  I agree wholeheartedly, when I was 18, I had a starting line and kept the rotation moving.  Now I feel it's partially a slow down in my lifestyle not being in school and also that as I age I just have less tolerance for certain personalities and situations.  The older me is less inclined to be gassed that a dude in some dimmed club is shooting game.  The older me isn't intimidated or caught up in phone conversations.  The older me isn't impressed that you are good looking, and much less easy going about being the sole means of transportation. 

Is the older me jaded? 

Naw, I would say I am wiser and have developed my convictions enough to know what I am not beat for, finally!  Yet I do miss the cavalier way in which dating just managed itself.  Now I think maybe I have to be more proactive.  Hmph.  So not excited about that.

Because I’m too old for that shit, that’s why.

Man, long story short, my brother Dontes tried to kick it to me.  It made me uncomfortable.  I would have loved that kind of attention when we first met two years ago, but now that we've established such a close relationship in the complete opposite direction, it's like what's the point now, I'm actually over that attraction.  I'm so tired of younger dudes kicking it to me.  I really don't care how fine or mature you are.  I'm about to be 25, get your babynuts out of here!  I'm too used to dealing with dudes older than me, that's where I'm comfortable, maybe I'm some challenge for them, some goal to be conquered but I'm too old for that shit, point blank period.  What do I look like?  He just turned 21 Friday, I know he's handsome, so what, all my brothers are and I don't go there with them cause that's not what they are in my life for. And I swore Don was in the same category but we crossed the line again Saturday.  I mean, whatever, I'm only human, no sex but like so much inappropriateness.  I need to come up off of that and not let him drag me into his cypher.  I know his psychology and why he's even pursuing this right now and I can't let myself fall victim to this madness.   So disappointed in the weakness of the flesh and the fact that all of this might sabotage our relationship in the future.  I really love him and I don't want it to end over some unnecessary advances and choices on both parts.

Faded

I really like my new haircut, but I hate blogging on here sometimes, I just blogged for 20 minutes and when I tried to post it, myspace had "an unexpected error."  Psh.  It makes me not want to blog for a couple days.  It's hard to try to reform the ashes of your thoughts after you just poured them all out.  But basically I was saying that cutting my hair is a clean slate, I feel like I've gotten rid of old energy, I'm excited for all of the possibilities as it grows out in it's natural state, again .  Also I was saying that I'm thankful that my mother made it back safely from Europe, that I'm happy, and that I'm really optimistic.  Benito and I are still on the roller-coaster ride that is our relationship and Terrence is one of my favorite people.  He's an awesome person and friend and he balances out all of the bullshit I go through with other guys, he's also taught me a lot about myself and been a true friend.  I'm almost at the finish line with the Unemployment odyssey and I am still aiming for spring with returning to school.  I'm going to be ordering a new CPU today so I should be back in full effect in a couple weeks.  I miss myspace and having a distraction other than T.V.  Sooo I'm good...holla.

When she's gone...

My mom is gone for 2 weeks on vacation in Europe, it made me think about what I would do if she was gone forever, how I would take care of myself without my plan B.  She's always there for me, even if she doesn't always make it easy to ask for help, I know that eventually she will come through, and I know that's a gift and I really do appreciate her unending love and support.  But I'm about to be 25 and she just turned 50 and the tables are slowly turning, I'm supposed to be establishing myself so that she won't need for things later on in her life, so that I can try to repay her for everything she's done for me.  I really think I'll miss her these coming weeks, but maybe I'll have some good news for her, or a card, or something.  She's my role model, so strong and determined and accomplished.  She came from a small village in Haiti and now she owns a home and has made a good life for her and her family from Haiti that have come over here.  I love her and hope that her strength is within me and will propel me towards my destiny.  I dread the day that I will have to say goodbye forever, but I'm so thankful she's been the mother so many people wished they had while I was growing up.

Thanks Uncle Sam!

That's right, I've officially gotten on America's lunchline, or loungeline...I've filed for unemployment. I was on the fence @ first, felt a little guilty, a little slothy, but then I was like fuck it, let me ride it till the wheels fall off. When I got my weekly benefit amount, I felt no shame. I am going to be getting paid the exact same amount as I was when I worked @ David's full time - sans commission of course, but that's a good look. Now I have time to get focused, see about school for once, just chill and not be depressed cause I have to go to a job I hate. So yea, welcome to the good life...for now. Apparently it's not quite as simple as collecting a check, but all they're gonna be tryna to do is get me hired while I try to stay unemployed, just gimme a couple months to luxuriate...and get some things in order, and I'll get another job, happily.

Naw son.

I was really tempted to kick back on my laurels and collect unemployment while I figured out how to get back into school.  But now I realize I'm too accustomed to the routine of working life and I can't fall back to deadbeatness now.  I'll just have to pursue school and work, for my sanity and my finances.  So I do have some deal-breakers with the next job, NO RETAIL.  There's got to be a better way to make money with little to no real effort.  Even retail isn't that easy, and it destroys your social life, steals away your weekends, and kills your spirit if you let it.  So maybe a nice office job or something unexpected, but no more "Hi, welcome to such and such, how can I help you today..."  Yea, that's final.  But I need a job ASAP!  I can't believe I let a month go by, I thought working @ David's was depressing but sitting around all day is like the 9th level of hell or something, I like having purpose, it may not be my career goals achieved but atleast I'm making the most of my days doing something.  So I'll let you know as soon as I lock something down.

On another note.  I'm on the fence about continuing my relationship with Benito.  I don't think he's capable of making me happy, I'm sure he would like to and even thinks he's making it happen but I feel miserable, mostly I'm not over what happened and then it's like, he just doesn't get it.  I'm affectionate and he's controlling about things like that, if he initiates it, it's ok, if I ask for something he gets frustrated saying just let it happen and let me be myself.  Dude if that's who you are I need to be with someone completely different before I lose it, forreal.

Also my CPU is getting fixed so I can only get on when I come to my uncle's house so I'm tryna make the most of my blog.  But eventually I'll be back on track.  Thanks for the wise words Jessie, needed a guys opinion...