I Remember

When I was 11, my dad took me to the movies, this is the only time I can remember him doing this, and we watched 3 movies, back to back, we just kept coming out and getting another ticket for something else.  I always remember one was The Shadow, I think the other was The Lion King, and who knows what the 3rd was, but I did some research and Crooklyn came out that year so maybe it was that.  Anyhow that's not the point.  The point is little things like that, movie marathons, playing Sega CD with him, having Minesweeper battles, still remind me how cool of a guy my dad was.  I'm grateful he was a computer geek and a kid at heart, he was a simple guy and he wasn't too talkative but he was very eloquent.  I am his daughter in so many ways, and this morning I find myself missing him a lot.  But I've been having some movie marathons of my own lately, and whenever technology allows me to do something cool I always wish he was here cause he'd be so impressed.  He couldn't imagine downloading movies in an hour and watching at your leisure.  I remember specifically one day he was reading the paper and talking about this new technology called DVDs and how it was going to revolutionize things!  Anyhow, when Lord of the Rings came out I really wished I could have watched them with him, and shared other milestones that defined my childhood and our relationship.  The lasting memory is that he loved me, and had his own way of showing it, but the most important way, was that he was always there for me.

Intimacy

I'm just coming off of a romantic movie marathon :  The Notebook (OMG, soo beautiful), In The Land of Women (why did Meg Ryan get plastic surgery? so upsetting), and The Holiday (loved it).  Now I'm thinking about my drought and wondering if sex is what I actually need  Perhaps I'm just lacking intimacy.  Which would heal my heart in a way that a sexual escapade never could.  Benito's birthday is this month.  I feel like writing him a letter, not an I miss you or can we be friends again letter but a I just want you to know how I feel will never change no matter how much we hate each other letter.  I have a feeling he's going to be moving soon b/c of some circumstances and I fear we'll never be able to reach one another again even if we wanted to.  I don't know I'm probably being dramatic, but when we had our last break he told me he would drive by my house often.  And of course my mind kept asking why didn't you ever come to the door, or write me, or something.  That's just him though.  Anyhow back to the topic at hand.  Intimacy.  Ahh what an illusive concept.  Yet and still I think I'm going to take a moment and write some thoughts defining what it is for me.

When you snore abrasively, I sleep harder
The comfort of your chest will not surrender it's hold
The moment will not allow
For shallowness
So I drown out the sound
You play in my mane
Fingertips dance among young tendrils
I am defenseless
Your hand curves around my lower back
Respectfully resting upon my waist
When you realize you've strayed below
You will your hand to a more congenial post
And we sleep
I rub your stomach which you hate
Exposing all of your insecurities
I know this because I feel the same
When someone rubs mine
Though you and I are merely friends
The closeness I feel when we embrace
Is the purest form of intimacy
Unsoiled by physical conquest
With you I am safe and myself
With you I share myself
With you I know
I am not by myself
In the way that I feel

-for Terrence

Breaking Point

I guess I should categorize this under Life (Myspace reference), cause it's not about Romance but good ol' SEX  But I'll just act like that's part of relationships and keep fronting.  Anyhow.  Once again, I'm trapped within an involuntary drought.  5 months!  At this point, I've been seriously considering getting back in touch with my old jumpoff.  I kind of played him to the left when I was dealing with Benito but now it's like...times are kinda rough.  I have someone else who really wants to help out my situation but I don't want to go there with him, I don't like him enough to even have casual sex, you know that means he's a jerkbody, maybe at some point I'll be able to get past his arrogance (doubt it).  It just sucks though, cause the last time was with Justin, and we had such chemistry, that now I don't even want to if it's gonna be sub-par.  TRAGEDY.  What's a girl to do?  Let me go find Mr. Jumpoff's address...lol.

Lyrics to Go

Lyrics like this make you want to write a great poem:

"Not About Love"
by Fiona Apple

The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the king-craft of a merit-less crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

Flash Focus

I hate the term falling out of love.  To me it's not an actuality.  What I believe really happens is that you slowly begin to forget love.  Just like grieving never ends yet the pain is slowly forgotten.  I miss Benito.  I can't help it, our function was dysfunction but that's the only taste of love and passion I've had thus far.  Yea I've been emotionally scarred by him but I've learned a lot.  Strangely the flashes of memories that come to me are all quite random.  The night he called crying saying he was a fuck up and apologizing about something messed up he'd done, how I was so worried b/c I've never heard him cry, better yet weeping so shamelessly.  How he ended up watching ESPN in my room and I fell asleep in the nook, on his chest.  How I held that happiness inside that night, and wished it could always be that way.  His power over me was so intimidating and daunting at times.  I had to muster up courage to be honest and strength to hold back cruel words.  I had to love.  Now I have to let go, again.  I think about his smirk, and his tone when he was feeling vulnerable, how beautiful he looked after a haircut, in this powder blue t-shirt he wore to sleep.  His walk.  And all the moments when I feared or loathed him have already faded away.  That amazes me, saddens me, suspends me in a false sense of nostalgia which should be utter relief.  But I could never bring myself to focus on his negatives forever.  I honestly hope that one day years from now he'll think of me, and whatever emotions he feels, smile.  I know I'll doing that for the rest of my life ::sigh::

I have my ways...

...I know this about myself.  But lately I've been feeling like I've been losing brain cells from all of my non-activity.  I mean yea I'm a homebody and I love to sleep but this is ridiculous.  My sleep schedule is all fucked up, up all night, waking up in the afternoon.  Nothing to show for these two months on unemployment.  Haven't worked out my school situation or even written anything of interest.  Just watching the seasons change and wondering if I have at all.  I've been saying I wanted to start walking so that I could maintain my weight loss, but no, I keep using the fact that I haven't bought an IPOD as an excuse.  Psh.  Nobody can feel as bad about the things I haven't accomplished as me.  Trust.  But I don't operate off of people reminding me of shit I'm not doing.  I'm not out there fucking my life up, it's just not moving forward at a rate most people would be comfortable with.  In the bigger picture, like my brother Brad always says, I'm good.  I have a lot of things that people my age won't have for another 5-10 years.  So just let me do things in my time.  Otherwise I won't do them at all, and still be happy.  Cause I'm not about living my life to please others anymore.  Naw pimpin, I'm not the one.

Top 5 T.V. Commentaries

5. So yea, I keep missing ANTM, it doesn't look that interesting but I love that there's so many black girls this season!
4. I love watching wedding shows like Married Away now because I have more knowledge of that industry.
3. If you like Frasier, it not only comes on The CW but also on Lifetime after midnite, great for insomniacs.
2. Marathons are awesome because: you can miss an entire season of a show (FX's Damages), catch the marathon, get sucked in just in time to catch the season finale and look forward to next season like you've been a fan all along.
1. I am so pissed off at Sandy aka Pepa from The SaltNPepa Show.  Bitch is you crazy?  A nose job?!  For what? - so you could go into witness protection! I barely recognize you, you dumb, dizzy broad.
1a. I have never given more than two seconds thought to Irv Gotti, but watching his VH1 show (Gotti's Way) makes me like him so much, he reminds me a lot of my boy Marcus, light skinned and loveable.

The Softer Side of Blogging

Today I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. With a twist. Revistiting some past loves and the music that will forever be tied to our times together. Let's begin. Well, definitely have to shout out Reggie T., who taught me the importance of mood music, I dedicate this Ginuwine song to you:

Moving on to more recent liasons, and very old flames all in one, Benito, my one and only kryptonite, the one person who shared my same feverish love of music and interest in it's particulars. Someone who could have made me so happy but consistently mad me so sad, I dedicate, of course, a Boot Camp classic:

Now, onto the last year. I was ahead of the curve with the Rich Boy phenomenon because of my short lived romp with you, Andre, good times though, bad timing, but still I dedicate a song that you were all over long before heads were buying Cadillacs, lol:

There's so many more guys and songs and memories attached to them, but I'll wrap this blog up with Justin, who, I really fucked up with, and, I hope can one day understand, but, who loved Lil' Wayne (I still can't get with him like that) and so I dedicate this last joint to you. It's crazy how a song or a show can bring you back to those happy moments with a person, but it's also a gift because many of those moments are forever lost in the annals of time:

Smoke in the City

I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment.  I'm just thinking about life - mainly relationships, trying to connect some dots.  I've had some conversations with folks and I've concluded that most of us in our mid-20s are finding that those instant attractions and chance meetings are becoming fewer and farther between.  I agree wholeheartedly, when I was 18, I had a starting line and kept the rotation moving.  Now I feel it's partially a slow down in my lifestyle not being in school and also that as I age I just have less tolerance for certain personalities and situations.  The older me is less inclined to be gassed that a dude in some dimmed club is shooting game.  The older me isn't intimidated or caught up in phone conversations.  The older me isn't impressed that you are good looking, and much less easy going about being the sole means of transportation. 

Is the older me jaded? 

Naw, I would say I am wiser and have developed my convictions enough to know what I am not beat for, finally!  Yet I do miss the cavalier way in which dating just managed itself.  Now I think maybe I have to be more proactive.  Hmph.  So not excited about that.

Because I’m too old for that shit, that’s why.

Man, long story short, my brother Dontes tried to kick it to me.  It made me uncomfortable.  I would have loved that kind of attention when we first met two years ago, but now that we've established such a close relationship in the complete opposite direction, it's like what's the point now, I'm actually over that attraction.  I'm so tired of younger dudes kicking it to me.  I really don't care how fine or mature you are.  I'm about to be 25, get your babynuts out of here!  I'm too used to dealing with dudes older than me, that's where I'm comfortable, maybe I'm some challenge for them, some goal to be conquered but I'm too old for that shit, point blank period.  What do I look like?  He just turned 21 Friday, I know he's handsome, so what, all my brothers are and I don't go there with them cause that's not what they are in my life for. And I swore Don was in the same category but we crossed the line again Saturday.  I mean, whatever, I'm only human, no sex but like so much inappropriateness.  I need to come up off of that and not let him drag me into his cypher.  I know his psychology and why he's even pursuing this right now and I can't let myself fall victim to this madness.   So disappointed in the weakness of the flesh and the fact that all of this might sabotage our relationship in the future.  I really love him and I don't want it to end over some unnecessary advances and choices on both parts.