Life Comes @ You Fast

I GOT THE JOB!  I now work full-time @ Macy’s in the Bridal Registry .  Good hourly rate!  GOOD LOOK!  Back in the workforce.  Now I can look into the future with some money in my pocket.  HOLLAAAAAAAA!

Now when I’m at the club and they do the whole "if you got a job, you handling yours..." I can raise my hand!! LoL

I’m really excited.  I want to put my best foot forward.  I might hit up NY & Co. tomorrow.

Flashback

So yesterday morning I happened to be awake unusually early and I decided to step my job search up a notch.  As much I like Monster and Work Jersey.com, they haven’t really been hitting me with any spectacular prospects.  Anyhow so I decide to apply to Macy's, b/c honestly, when I started in retail, that’s where I originally wanted to work.  I love Macy's and I don’t see how working there could be so bad.  So I apply on their site.  A couple hours later I get a call from HR and boom, I have an interview.  I love the internet.  No pounding the pavement, just uploading the resume and you’re IN there!  I run around for a couple hours searching for some black pants and shoes and some conservative earrings.  Get home with enough time to change and off I go to Short Hills Mall.  The very mall that anyone who knows me knows intimidates me.  It is the epitome of white bourgeoisie.  Everything in the mall is white as well!  The interview went well, interviewed with the manager of the Bridal Registry and the Regional Manager and b/c I’d worked at David’s Bridal I had an edge - on the flip side because I’d been terminated, I had to make it sound good like I don’t have a tardiness problem, which let’s face it, I do.  But I know I have the ability to be prompt if I want to.  So now I just have to see if I wowed them.  It felt good to get suited up and have an interview though.  I miss working.

Cold-Blooded

Benito had to turn himself into jail yesterday.  As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I kind of felt relieved.  Yea I know it’s a fucked up emotion but I swear he is so draining.  The years of built up history and the way our friendship teeters on a foundation of resentment is toxic to me.  I stay dropping everything for him, going out of my way, out of my bed, out of my routine, for him.  It was like a snowball.  Since the end of Nov.  when we made up again for his b-day, ever since he’s been gradually asking for more and more from me.  I never say no.  I never state the obvious.  Like I always say, maybe I’m too nice but I’m not fucking dense.  I know he takes advantage of my feelings for him.  I don’t blame him.  I keep myself so available to him.  I don’t know why I feel obligated to do anything but turn the fucking ringer off.  Anyhow, he knew this shit was going to happen.  No of course he doesn’t deserve to be in the clink but he should have handled his business.  Grown ass man still cleaning up young man shit.  I feel like even though we have no romantic relationship we have an indescribable connection that I really cherish.
That said.  I’m tired.  He doesn’t appreciate shit I do.  It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show.  I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him.  He said you do - me.  I wanted to laugh @ this nigga.  He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do.  I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit.  Anyhow.  Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back.  Who is his plan B?  I can’t keep carrying him, WTF?  It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job.  Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas.  It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs."  He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life.  Never about me.  Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company.  I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity.  B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER.  That pissed me off.  That’s how I know I need to fall back.

My Mom the Go-Getter

Personality wise - I’m just like my father, he was pretty basic in his needs and he liked familiarity and I don’t really like going out on a limb if it isn’t necessary.  I guess I am conservative about taking risks in life - especially business and finance.  It makes me nervous to think of undertaking something like a business, even help someone else upstart theirs.  My mother is the complete opposite, she’s always thinking of the next venture, she owns plenty of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" type books.  Me, I’m an Aquarius, very idealistic, and I really don’t value money the way most people do.  My mom (also an Aquarius) once told me, money is meant to be spent and if you hold it tight in your hands, how can you have an open hand to receive any?  Makes sense to me.  So when I have money it’s cool and when I don’t, I stay my ass home, not that deep.  Anyway on to the meat of this blog - my mom the go-getter.
    She owns a corner store not too far from our house.  She didn’t consult with me about it just told me after the fact.  The first time I went to see it in Sept.  I didn’t like it, it was dark and crowded and corner store-ish.  I went today because she swears I don’t have an interest in the store.  It’s not that, it’s I just have no idea what’s going on with it.  And b/c of that I feel excluded and just assume she’ll tell me when she’s good and ready.  Anyhow it was a completely different space, open and bright and inviting.  And I felt proud of her.  I wish I could be entrepreneurial like her but I just don’t have it in me.  I’ll definitely support her though, and hopefully that spirit of enterprise will show up in my children when I have a family .  Anyhow I guess this is just about how amazing my mom is, and how much I love her (oh gawd so sappy).

Concert 2

So last night’s concert I wasn’t as geeked about b/c I was going to see Peter Hadar who was only opening.  Amanda Diva was headlining (never heard of her ass), Talib Kweli hosting and Q-tip featuring.  I got there late cause I took a nap at like 6pm to wake up at 7 but woke up at 7:30 instead.  Anyhow got to the city it was like 9 I found a good spot to stand in front of the bar at SOB’s by the steps that the artists go down.  I ended up being there dolo (Katie no other concert partner will do, and you know why...just got a text this afternoon, psh - KNOCKOFF).  No one was on the stage for a good hour.  Then Peter Hadar comes up to me and recognized me immediately.  I gave him a hug he said he performed mad early and I told him I was going to buy his CD.  He was very nice, I really appreciate that.  THEN.  Talib Kweli came up the steps and stood directly next to me, so close that I hid my cellphone cause I was getting on myspace and for some reason didn’t want him to see me doing that!  THEN Q-tip ended up standing right next to me w/ his black bubble coat, smelling heavenly.  Unlike the husky chick on my left who was NOT SURE.  Anyhow Amanda Diva is a cute girl, but her rapping is pretty elementary, she can sing though, and she has personality and is quite funny.  I enjoyed her covering other people’s songs and just rocking to the DJ more than her actual joints  Overall a very cool night, being amidst celebrity in such a relaxed scenario, made me further know that they are just like you and me.  Can’t wait for MOS!  That, I am geeked about!

March Madness!

This month is just about to JUMP OFF!
March 8 - Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
March 12 - Peter Hadar w/ Talib Kweli & Q-tip @ SOB's
March 30 - MOS DEF! @ The Nokia Theatre - C'mon!

Takes me back to August, that was the last live month I've had as far as concerts.  Also, I need a job, what's new right?  Yea I know.  I got some reasonable car insurance!  Progressive.  No not those jokers who suddenly asked me how I knew Benito.  Sheesh.  I'm also trying to take a trip down to MD to see an old friend, his name is Paul.  We got back in touch thanks to the wonders of Myspace.  I searched for his page but when I found it, looked like he had abandoned it for years.  So I sent him a message just in case in Dec.  He just called me last week.  That's my ace.  It's always nice to reconnect with someone you really cared about.  So I'm thinking about renting a car since I'm 25 now and the rates are cheaper.  Yes I think I shall.  Also, even though he doesn't ask me very often, I've been taking Benito to work more often than I'd like to.  See this is the problem when you have no real obligations, people think it's ok to ask you to do things out of the blue.  Not so, not ok.  He and I went to IHOP last week and he was talking to me about other women and how they always think it's more than it is.  And I said to him "you don't have to worry about me", he got a little tight wondering why I put myself in the same column as them.  But he said he knew a relationship wouldn't work the day he went fucking AWOL and I called my girl to come get me.  Umm, ok.  Not a good reason.  Then he said, and you have sex w/ other guys (we haven't had sex in 3 years, WTH does that have to do w/ anything?).  I was like yea God forbid.  Anyhow I realized as I continually realize that he just doesn't make any sense.  And that my pursuit of him makes me seem desperate and ridiculously masochistic.  Such is my lot in life thus far though.  Speaking of having sex with other guys, Robert that I met on New Year's, we did the horizontal tango.  I hate when guys ask me how it was after.  Especially when it sucked ass.  So I told him, it was aiight.  You're 25 and still rabbit-fucking?!  I was getting aggravated, and he took too long.  I don't like sex all day and night.  What's worse is, I KNEW it was gonna be wack.  You know when you get a preview when ya'll are messing around? - I wasn't impressed.  Ahh well.  He was pressed talking about when are you gonna stop teasing me.  I thought well maybe he'll surprise me.  Now he'll never get another whiff.  I don't do repeats of wackness.  No sir.  Not a good year so far in the intimacy dept.  I think I'm gonna take another long hiatus.  I miss Justin.  That was the Greatest Sex ©R. Kelly.

UPDATE.

Benito was released today.  After not hearing from him or knowing what the situation was since last Tuesday afternoon, he'd finally called me and said that he was picked up from his job on an old warrant from '98 that had been dismissed.  He told me people to call and what to do for bail and I surfed the net getting all the info ready to get him out the next day.  An hour later, he calls from his old cell phone and is like he's out.  Apparently this older lady from his job bailed him out.  He was happy to be out of course, telling me about his whole ordeal, how much he loved me and everyone who was concerned.  He didn't smoke for a whole week and has decided to quit cheefing...we'll see if that lasts.  Anyhow crisis averted. 

Benito is locked up.

Imagine my shock and dismay.  I dropped him to work Tuesday, he said we'd definitely hang out Wednesday because he was off and then I didn't hear from him, but didn't think much of it since it's Benito.  Come Friday morning, I get a phone call from his friend Kevin telling me that Benito told him to call me - to call his brother - to tell him to go pick him up from jail since his bail was ready.  Of course I wondered why he was in there what had happened but I figured he would tell me when he was released.  Well Friday came and went.  I called his phone that night to see if he was out and his friend Brian answered.  He tells me he had another warrant.  Now I'm like damn this is some bullshit what about his job?  And what can I really do to help him?  I feel pretty useless all Saturday and get a call early this morning from Kevin again asking if I'd heard anything else.  Naw Kev, I was hoping YOU were calling with news.  So now I feel like I have to get proactive, because Benito doesn't have A LOT of people in his life, and because I can sense that the longer he's in there the more angry and dismayed he's becoming.  I don't want a different Benito to come out of there.  I prayed for him every night, I don't even pray for myself.  I'll let you know how it pans out.

The Texting Saga

Since September when I managed to wrangle this phone away from my mother, the texting has not been working.  I've called Nextel a couple times and also visited the Sprint store.  Today I was on a mission, I went to 2 Sprint stores and two regular shops trying to either get my phone fixed or offload the piece of crap.  Nothin' doin.  So I got home, feeling utterly defeated, and finally dozed off.  I woke up like 4 this morning, and just decided to fuck with my phone some more, changing settings, removing the Sim card, etc.  Don't you know, I fixed my phone!  I should be happy, but now I'm just more pissed off.  If the solution was something as simple as the damn setting, why did no one from Nextel think to ask me what mine were?  These fucking imcompetent retards.  5 months I've spent telling people not to text me.  5 months I've had to call people who most times I'd rather text, 5 months spent out of the texting loop, all b/c Nextel can't provide proper customer service and tech support.  Imma bomb them, I swearfojefus.

Don’t stop...belieeevin’

Well, was thinking yesterday about the fact that when I reminisce over whomever (my God), that it's always the heart breaker, the player, the loser, the waste of time.  What about those nice guys that (b/c I'm a glutton for punishment) never had a chance.  Many a time I've had a guy actually try to court me, want to spend time, be polite and affectionate, and it's mostly made me uncomfortable.  How fucked up is that?  Yea partially maybe the chemistry wasn't there, and I'm not one to force something unnatural, but also I just can't stand the sappiness of it all.  I'm more of a jokester, that's what warms me to someone, being able to laugh and kid and be sarcastic, and quote movies and be witty.  That's natural.  Yet and still, I have decided to try to be more open to the nice guy, it's not his fault he hasn't learned how to be an asshole.

In other news, I finally have to get a job, 4real, all those other times I said it were warm-ups, but I have until the beginning of March to be back in the work force, ugh.

I also need to go to a good party.  But I haven't been feeling so hot lately, like not sexy at all, like what?  You want me to dress up, nigga please.  So Imma work on that.

I just started on another of my resolutions, to read more.  I'm well into a book called The Witch of Portabello by Paulo Coehlo.  Good stuff. 
Lastly, Willy from MTB4 is MARRIED.  I'm so through w/ that show now, did they think I was watching it for Quanell and his pink ass lips (ughhh), or stingy-braid havin Brian???? No.  Fortunately Project Runway is about to get to the good stuff, the final 3 and fashion week.

That is all for now.