Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.
I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.
I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but
I am going to Cabo in 2 months
and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.
Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.
