BoA

Bank of America has siphoned at least 400 dollars of my hard earned money in the couple years I've been a customer.  Due to DAMN overdraft fees.  Yo $35 a pop ain't no joke.  And no, I would not benefit from overdraft protection because I just started using my savings and I can't trust that there will always be enough to cover me.  The thing that irks me though, and makes me feel like this whole system was intentionally designed to make me look like I am some irresponsible spender, is how one day you check your balance and are in the black, and the next day they have completely rearranged your purchases and laid it out so that you are out a GRIP.  It hurts and I physically react whenever I have to give this bank my money.  I have been doing so well.  But since I bought my tires my account was a little lower than usual, and bam!  They got me.  My advice, don't spend over a holiday weekend using debit/credit, it will not work out the way you figured in your head.  Painful, painful lesson learned.  Anyway, to lick my wounds and ease my nausea and feeling of helplessness, I bought a new phone!  I'm so glad I waited, last time I checked it on Sprint, it was $129 after rebates blah blah.  I got it for $99 straight out after $200 instant savings for upgrading.  It's a cute phone, (LG Lotus) QWERTY keyboard finally.  I'm gonna give my mom my old phone (originally hers anyway) so that I can throw her current one out of the window.

*Sidenote* Benito's back on the scene.  No comment.

'09 Resolutions

OK...soooo, '08 wasn't GREAT in the way that I had projected, but it was GOOD.  I accomplished 3 (register to vote, concerts, birthday party) of the 10 resolutions I made last year.  But FAILED terribly at the other 7:

2.  Learn to Sew

3.  Lose 17 lbs
4.  Fix up my Acura
5.  Get back into school
6.  Write more
7.  Read more
8.  Learn how to play the piano

These are still in effect for the new year.  What I will modify is that I am aiming to:

1. Fully pay off 3 or more of my bills by April (improve credit score).
2. A NEW CAR (most likely certified pre-owned).
3. Lose (at least) 10 lbs by March for my trip to Cabo! (I am currently 194 lbs).
4. Be more cultured (museums, plays, arts).
5. Re-design my bedroom! (new flooring, wall color, furniture pieces).

The things that I did not resolve to accomplish but I feel deserve honorable mention are that I only had sex 3 times this entire year.  Only one time was worth it (howudoin'), but atleast I thought about it each and every time.  Also, I have been at my new job for 9 months now and not having any issues (other than tardiness).  I have a positive self image and am considering relationships in a more serious way, slowly.  And I have maintained my natural hair with no intention of backtracking.  So I feel I have grown, and would really like to continue into '09 with strength, courage & wisdom.

 SWEEEET.

As Seen on T.V.

This month has been all about products that you've seen on T.V.  First, I was up at 5AM one night last week, having an insomniac moment, and ended up ordering The Wave by The Firm system.

After it processed I was like...did I just do that (Urkel style)?!  Then I decided that since the work-out system was on it's way (I'm sending it back b4 the 30 days though, trust), let me finally try Dr. Ian Smith's Fat Smash Diet.  I've had that book 4ever and all that's been stopping me is my anxiety with supermarket shopping.  It's a problem.

 

And finally, I was at Rite-Aid and bought the Ped-Egg (only $10).  I swear by that thing!  It brought the heels of my feet back to life!  I was shocked.  Passed it on to my mama.

 

  All of these purchases are in the hopes that I can get it right, get it tight for CABO SAN LUCAS in March (tryna drop that same 10-20 lbs).  Yes darlings, I'm going to Cabo for spring break with the travel buddies (Nia & Julisa)!  Can NOT wait.  I am so ready to soak up some sun and forget that my life is not where I want it to be.  This is the resort!  Viva MEXICO! 

I really think I'm going to move out of New Jersey soon.  I wanted to get everything together then settle somewhere else but now I feel like maybe I need a new start to get started.  Something I'm debating.

Every time I get into a relationship I immediately start to feel like I just trapped myself.  Maybe that's why I dealt with Benito so long, cause it was never anything official, I guess if it had been I would have ran away a long time ago.  I just have attachment issues, I feel like I love and care for Zackery but I still have a lot of walls up.  I don't know how to open up any more.  But he's so loving and different than the rest I feel that it's worth the effort, but it's not my natural instinct, at all.

Affirmative Action

Clearly, I haven't blogged in a grip.  I've been away from the computer living my life.  And when I did try to get on the space, my CPU was acting brand new.  So needless to say a lot of things have developed since I last blogged, I'm just gonna go down the line.

I met someone Oct. 18 and by Halloween we became a couple.  Things happen that way in life.  I can't explain it, it's not like we rushed into it we just don't want to date other people, so nothing else about our relationship is on the fast track it's just dating with agreed commitment.  I'm happy, it feels natural and uncomplicated, sincere and honest, and I love getting to know him and spending time with him.

Nov. 1st I went to NJPAC with the boo and saw Spike Lee & Terrence Blanchard (google him baby) and Terrence performed and conducted a lot of scores from some of Spike's more popular movies, that was a dope experience.  BILAL was there!

Yea, Barack man, (Xic, the PA trip was all worth it and I'm so glad it was with you because it was a terrible, wonderful , crazy/beautiful day!) I went to vote with my mom and as I watched CNN I teared up.  But it's like, I couldn't see him NOT winning, it was not an option.  So I am inspired to DO BETTER (Steph) in my life.  Other than that, still working for the man @ Macy's getting great discounts, and that about it.  I'll get back in the blogging swing.

Farewell

Aw damn, this is NO GOOD.  My gym, Contours Express, IS CLOSED.  I'd noticed that all the signage was down when I'd passed by lately, but thought nothing of it.  Today as I was walking to the ATM I passed the front and there the sign said CLOSED.  This gym saved me, brought me back from the brink.  When I first joined 3 years ago, I was 233lbs, I lost over 45 lbs thanks to that gym, and regained my self confidence and athletic stamina.  And now, after having fallen off for over a year, I was just considering rejoining to finally achieve my goal weight of 175 (I'm currently 190) and I don't even have a gym to join.  The owner Gwen, lives across the street from me!  I would ask her why but I can assume it just wasn't growing as a business the way she needed it to.  So my next options are Bally's and/or Jenny Craig.  I refuse to gain weight this winter, no hibernating storing up fat.  What I wanna do is get right then when it gets hot be like BAM.  What bitch.  LOL.  But we shall see, have to be motivated and dedicated, two things I lack at times.  Goodbye Contours, thank you for everything!!!

WOW.

So, when we last left off, I'd just had a cute convo with Mr. Rite Aid.  I went home, lit my candle, the week went on.  Mind you, I stopped at Rite Aid (2) more times this week trying to run into him, no dice.  It was getting to the point where I was thinking - what else can I buy in here!
Today I figured since it was Monday again he'd probably be there, and indeed he was!  I went in, grabbed some random stuff, and got on line.  He was standing in front of me and didn't notice me for a while then he looked back, did a double take, then asked me how I was, and asked how it went with my candle.  I tried to sound casual.  So that was it though, he initiated convo then it died.  So I left. 
Then I got home and felt stupid, even considered calling Rite Aid!!! Instead I called my homie Xica to confirm whether or not I should have asked him about his status.  She encouraged me to GO BACK to Rite Aid and ask him what the dealy-yo?  So I did.  Of course, he's not near the register, but the cashier is mad cool and I ask her if he's single she says I don't know let me go get him.  But it turns out he's in the back PRAYING because it's Ramadan and I wait...then get antsy and go to my car, and when I come back in he's walking from the back and I walk up to him and say can I talk to you for a minute.  We step outside, I  say I think you're very handsome, and ask are you single?
He replies, actually I'm...

WAIT FOR IT...

...

...

MARRIED.  Oh God the AGONY.  My heart actually sank and I felt embarrassed and was trying to back away towards my car as quickly as possible while simultaneously assuring him he didn't come off too harsh in his let down.  Oh the HUMANITY.  But he did say, you're very gorgeous and I would love to get to know you (if I wasn't married).

The moral of this story is, you'll never know if you don't speak up and find out.  Yea I might feel kind of silly for a while, but overall I'm really proud of myself.  I'm 25, if I can't go for mines now I never will!!  [Isn't that right Xica ;o)]

Rite Aid :o)

A couple years ago they built a 24-hour Walgreen's in the center of my town.  People were ON it.  Now every time, no matter what time of day or night, there's always a long ass line and one stank ass person ringing leisurely.  So I try to go to the now-forgotten Rite Aid, that's ALWAYS empty and has a nicer layout anyway.  But the real reason isn't b/c I'm in a rush to purchase Tampax, it's b/c of this gorgeous guy that works in there.  He is absolutely beautiful.  Just my type.  Perfect skin, beautiful chocolate complexion, nice facial features.  And then, one day, he was speaking creole to this woman and it BLEW my mind, Haitian?  Word son?  So I have never said a word to him or even looked in his direction too long, but I've always smiled to myself when I saw him in the aisles.  Today I was looking bummy, in some synthetic material sweatpants, and a black t-shirt and sandals.  I ask the cashier if they have candle lighters.  She asks him to get some, he comes back with 3 and then he says, you having a dinner?  I say naw just want to light my candle.  So he says, no dinner?  I say, are you cooking?  He says I don't cook.  I say, then we're not gonna eat!  He laughs, appreciating my quick humor.  I get rung up and he's over by the door and says "enjoy your candle."  Flirting like the dickens!  I couldn't help but tell my mom when I got in the car, he is soooooo cute!  I love Rite Aid :o)

Car(eless)

Yesterday, I was on track to being right on time for work, about to hop on the parkway, and my car just gives out on me.  Moms comes thru w/ 2 dudes in a pickup.  They give me a bump in neutral and I park in a lot up the block.  All weekend I've been picked up and dropped home.  I don't really mind.  But I am fiercely independent when it comes to getting from A to B.  You don't see me asking m-f-ers for rides.  Few and far between.  Some people need to have more discretion about that shit.  Just b/c I'm the ONLY person you know w/ a car doesn't mean you're the only person I know W/O one, LoL.  Anyhow.  OFF tomorrow, will be mobile ASAP, hopefully.  Being that I didn't have my car to run to for lunch and some Wendy Williams, I had to go the the staff lunch room ::gagg::  It's bad enuff Short Hills Macy's doesn't have ANY fucking windows on my floor, the lunch room is in the basement.  NAW SON.  I need sunlight and fresh air, REGULARLY.  So today I just went down, scarfed down lunch in record time, then tried to sit outside the Macys entrance - it wasn't going down.  Plan C: Starbucks.   1000 people decided my lunch hour was a great time to grab a double venti mocha frap caramel machia-latte.  But I snagged a seat in the lounge area and actually wrote a poem.  I might share it.  But it's not that great.  My mood has been up and down past couple of days but life is moving along whether I'm chipper or not.  Thusly, I'll get over it.  MAXWELL is coming up!  That's it until next time :o)

Growth

This is it, I am quickly approaching a year of natural hair!  Sept. 28 last year was when I cut off all of my old energy and past frustrations to begin anew.  And my hair has grown, honey!  It's been a pretty mild mannered year, too.  I think I finally released Benito from my heart and mind gradually this year.  Can you believe the next new year is only 4 months away???  WTH happened to '08 is great?  I feel like this year was a blur of work and socializing and Netflixing and now it's almost over.  Geez.  I had a boyfriend for like... .2 seconds.  Literally now though, he is my boy/friend.  We should have kept it that way from the rip.  It's just sometimes you let a situation dictate your actions and you don't listen to your gut, your first instinct is always the right one, even if it seems wrong, IT'S RIGHT.  So no love lost, just not meant to be.  I am about the same weight I was last year this time, so that's what's up, albeit less toned and in shape.  That will change soon, I promise you.

Next month (Oct. 9), MAXWELL @ Radio City Music Hall, I waited too long and couldn't even find seats next to each other, only singles.  Oh well, I didn't want to share my man w/ anyone anyway, lol.

My first vote in my first presidential election is coming up in Nov. and I'm staggered by all the political chess being played.  Some people like their politics straight up, no chaser (ME).  But that's the game, for now.  OBAMA will be mobbing all over these relics of a foregone time.  No one wants to hold up the old standards and traditions, society overall is yearning for newness, not some random chick from Alaska (sit down ma).


What else, I feel like everyday I am either growing emotionally, or professionally, even spiritually sometimes.  I'm years removed from past traumas and am no longer afraid of reliving some of my darkest moments.  With that firmly rooted in the distant past, I can propel myself toward the unseen future with no anchors of anxiety.  I feel that growing in me, a confidence and desire to aspire for my own greatness, which has always been waiting for me (you'll see what I mean one day).

Changing of the Guards

I've been meaning to do this blog for a minute.  As we all get older, we are witness to an inevitable changing of the guards in the entertainment industry.  Before out eyes, all of our legends, & archetypes of greatness, are being replaced by younger, fresher stars.

For example...

This is the comparison that sparked this idea:

Paula Patton is the NEW:

 Halle Berry

Derek Luke is the NEW:

 Denzel Washington

Jude Law is the NEW:

Cary Grant

ETC...
If you think of some more, do share!

Slippin on my pimpin, slacking on my...

My vacation was beautiful!  I didn't even blog about it.  Half way into August, haven't shared a single thought or emotion.  Honestly I came back from vacay Aug. 1 and went right back to work the next day and have been getting back into the groove of that since.  I had a slight office romance, it was fun!  It's nice to have someone to look for each day, who is looking for you, so that you can be silly, and flirty and whatnot, but he's only here for the summer, alas.  And another storyline in my life is going to be coming full circle come Friday.  I'm just in a happy place.  Remember that blog about feeling "overlooked and as if I am of no interest to anyone,"  I was just in a bad place at the time, emotionally.  Revived from my trip,  I feel like myself once again.  No more pity parties over here!  So I have some major things to accomplish, I still feel as if I need a mentor to help me, but I am discovering that to achieve certain personal goals, you have to be your own coach.  I am happy though, I can honestly say that, and that is an achievement!!!

Jeez Louise.

I can not fucking WAIT go on vacation.  8 more days and I'm OUT this hot ass, no A/C in my car, work be boring as hell, ain't nothing jumping off worth stayin, ass place.  I just don't understand...this time last year I had 3 really close male friends.  Those relationships all died in different painful ways, but I was blamed in each one, yet these have been long standing friendships in which I did give A LOT of myself, my time, my love.  And now, looking back, what the hell was the point?  As soon as you show signs of putting yourself first, bringing up the reality of things, of not being beat, all of the sudden you are uncaring.  GTFOOH!  NEXT yo.  I can't, I just can't.  So then the romance department.  Psh.  5 months and counting and I just don't even care right now.  And no hell no, even though Lenny keeps trying, no repeats of the beginning of this year, thank you!  Coming back from vacation I'm going to need to make some things happen, get the ball rolling on the rest of my life.  As my headliner says "Too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets, I haven't seen,"  I MEAN IT!  I'm finally dying to go back to school!  Even if it's just a class or two to start.  So hopefully I will have a LEGENDARY time on this cruise and come back ready to go!  But yea, this first half of '08, not so bad, but not as GREAT as I had predicted.  The second half though, the possibilities are endless!

No Air

I feel suffocated by how badly I want to be wanted and loved.  It's not something I'm outwardly showing or pursuing but I feel overlooked and as if I am of no interest to anyone.  I know this is highly dramatic and preposterous but I just want to be coddled and complimented and adored, is that asking too much?  The more pessimistic I become, the more I feel myself pulling my feelings inward, after all this time learning how to express them!  So I am just trying to take care of myself, spend time with myself, improve my attitude towards relationships, strengthen my friendships, live my life.  Hopefully I am on a path that is leading me directly to the person I am destined to spend my life (or at least a large portion) with.  I can't act as if people haven't shown interest lately.  Just no one I have chemistry with or they have too much with them, or they aren't serious.  SO this is just so I can vent some frustration and know that I am not holding it in letting it become toxic.

Check It.

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to check certain emotions, actions, and trains of thought.  I haven't been in a substantial relationship for a while (The Benito Show DOES NOT count), so I understand that I am emotionally deprived.  My actions and my moods as of late have been slightly out of character.  I attribute it mostly to feeling frustrated and not seeing any rays of hope.  It's not as if people don't approach me, which is the irony.  I don't have a type but I ALWAYS know what I'm NOT into, unfortunately I'm still a little too nice with letting dudes down, don't want to embarrass them so I might exchange numbers and then never call or answer the phone, which I realize is juvenile and fucked up.  Oh well, they eventually get the message.  And also, older dudes, 40s and up have been showing interest, ehhhh.  I am SO not beat to be dealing with someone my Uncle's age.  I guess 25 really is a turning point, maybe dudes my age are now looking at younger chicks and younger dudes are looking at older chicks so the older dudes are looking at me!!!  Lord help me if that's the case.  Anyhow, I feel stagnant in my life, still having full knowledge that I am the only person that can alleviate that situation.  So meanwhile I am not as cheerful, and I feel less energized, and I am sort of listless and sullen.  It's not a good look.  I am trying to check it.  I scanned through tons of old photo albums on my cpu checking out my progression, even the self photos I take are more serious, unless I'm out at a function.  So I am trying to be introspective and do a preemptive strike so that I won't fall into a rut.  I think I just want something or someone fresh and new to inject some joy into my life and heart.  At the same time that I feel down and out, I know that all of my needs will be met, I just have to be ready to accept the good things in life and see them at face value.  So I'll check my pessimism as well.  It's a process, life.  But I wouldn't change it!

Adverse

SBW seeking love
No clichés or romantic monologues
Must love candid moments
Be honest without being callous
Stare at me with burning desire
Then say something silly to lighten the intensity
Must hate conformity
Yet have a sense of timing
And be willful
And soulful and full
Of life
SBW seeking love
Or best offer.

Flo's in Town

I know it's TMI and an old ass phrase, but I hate it when Flo comes to town.  Particularly b/c she used to visit at the end of the month but now she's managed to show up at the beginning now and I feel like, damn wasn't this chick just here?!  Not like I have a sex life for her to disrupt or anything, just that -  

1.  It's too HOT for this shit

2. I am a little emotional right now and now I think I have to apologize for my actions Friday (I cursed Dontes out a little bit, I felt slightly under appreciated, had a Benito relapse I think, he actually called me w/ base in his voice like, "what's the problem?") 

3. It's inconvenient, at work all paranoid n whatnot (thank God I'm off till Tues).  

Anyhow just wanted to share, I've been holed up in the house on my day off so I think the temperature has dropped just enough for me to show my face.  Thanks Flo, for showing up uninvited, since I was 10, thanks...fucking bitch.

On another still feminine note, I saw S&TC yesterday, dolo, and loved it.  Caught the 4:00 showing @ Essex Green and I was so glad to see that it wasn't too packed, although quite filled with old white couples - well honey I had to snigger at them when those risque sex scenes came on~!  I have to admit though, I always think of Benito as the BIG in my life, to this day.  I even picked him up f/ work that night and I wanted to pour my heart out but I grew a pair and kept my thoughts to myself.  No need starting that shit again.  Steve, I fucking love Steve, and Lenny was my Steve, and I fucked it up.  Samantha, at least she kept it real with herself, she tried though.  The movie was Hollywood and realistic all in one fabulous name brand package.  I enjoyed it and I kind of feel like I had a better time by myself.  That was my first movie experience alone, it's about to become a habit.

I Suck at Life

I wanted to start this off by saying that I suck at life.  But that's not actually the case.  I suck at certain things in life.  Like accepting when people are attracted to me, feeling worthy of male attention, getting past my own emotional roadblocks and letting someone love me.  Yea, I totally blow at that.  A very good friend of mine has been trying to express to me that he wants us to be more than friends.  And what have I done?  Everything BUT go with the flow.  I mean yea I am pretty over-analytical and dense when it comes to emotions, but I am such a spazz when I feel self-conscious, I mean an absolute douche.  So I've tried to write letters, I've sent messages, we've had talks, and every time any of these communicae have ended, I've felt more frustrated, confused and stupid.  I feel like I never say the right thing.  To compare this situation to a chess game, I'm anticipating all the WRONG moves so when I counter, I ended up in checkmate on my own, like WTF?  I am so non-trusting.  I mean this might seem like I'm "should-ing all over myself" but I really feel like I need a do-over for the last, let's say, 2 weeks.  If I thought more of myself I would have followed my heart's instinct which was to just say, yes, let's go, let's try to be together, what's the worst that could happen?  I mean I've been hurt before, I've hurt people, it's a fair playing field.  Instead I'm tip-toeing through a mine field of the bullshit I've spewed out because of fear of REJECTION of all things.  And he said straight out he wanted a relationship.  This is tragic.  I'm not even Greek.

Lost Art

When is the last time you wrote someone a letter?  Remember passing notes in class?  Yea when you're in school you write papers and you might have to compose some e-mails for work.  But what about the types of letters that drive classic movies, or the ones from your first love that you have stashed away somewhere?  I'm starting to think that writing letters is becoming a lost art.  It's the best way to communicate because as much as it conveys thoughts and emotions, it also chronicles a period in time.  You'll never feels those exact feelings at that same time and therefore letters are like historical documents for average people.  I have kept all of the letters people have given me, love letters, family letters, bff letters, and it's crazy to read them and know that those moments are gone but forever captured within the pages.  Maybe I'm romanticizing a little, but I've been trying to write a letter to Dontes for like, a week now.  And it's not even that long, but I almost feel like my attention span is now so short that the commitment of sitting and writing pages is seemingly too demanding.  When I was younger I was shy and no boys really liked me and all I did was write to express myself.  In a diary, in a journal.  Now with all of these methods of communication, the most valuable and lasting form is vanishing from my grasp.  This is a sad day.

Let's Talk about Depression

The end of 2003 and beginning of 2004 are a complete and utter blur to me.  I was in a deep depression for about 6 months (my lowest point came when I attempted suicide by taking many prescribed anti-psychotic pills) after my 2nd year of college.  I know, I know that's a lot for a first sentence of a blog on Myspace (moved to Blogger), but MTV was having a True Life about people with mental disorders.  I'm not ashamed to say that I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder when I was 19.  I've had an interesting life since 18, that's for sure.  Anyhow I was in the hospital 3 times, 3 years consecutively due to some manic episodes.  And then I just pulled it together.  Naw it wasn't some magical resolution, I just reclaimed my mind.  Yes some people are clearly mentally ill and need medication, therapy, treatment, etc.  Others are labeled for lack of thorough examination and expected to follow suit their entire lives.  Naw, I'll pass.  I haven't been in any hospital since 2004.  I plan to keep it that way.  No meds, no episodes.  I say all of this to say that I have come a LONG way!  I don't acknowledge that enough, and I tend to get down on myself about school but you know what, school the first time around triggered my melt down (due to all of the major life changes and stresses), so I'll return when I'm good and damn ready.  And that's that.  I was eating lunch in my car and this man walked by and made some comment about my lunch selection and started chatting me up through the window.  He asks me about school and I felt extra defensive when he goes in about how I need to finish, and the fact of the matter is that I don't NEED to do anything but stay black and die.  So I know this blog is all over the place but what I had in my heart to say is that people's standards for you can sometimes be completely void of perspective.  You have to know what people have championed and overcome to really appreciate what they consider "success."  And I have my priorities in order, and that's all she wrote.

My friend Katrina's comment on Myspace:

I was going to send this as a message, but I decided to let everyone see it. I want everybody to know how dope my Jesus is. Two things just happened:

Before I even read the blog much less the title when I was on my home screen .. waaaaaay before I even stepped foot of out of bed and turned on my computer, God put it in my heart to pray for you. I didn't even know why at the time I was saying some of the things I was saying to Him, but now I do. Just another reason for me to believe God is that knock, for real-for real. It also serves as a reminder of what I can and really have to do in order to stay on track -- for me, for you, for Kate, for Zheanelle, for Karen, my fam, anybody and everybody.

God bless you and your courage to "confess" -- I put that in quotes because maybe other people closer to you knew, but I really had no idea. I know when I wrote my blog about what was going through my head while I was dealing with being number 2, my friend finally understood how I was REALLY feeling because she had already gone through it, too. I was there for her while it happened to her, so I knew it without saying. Before she would talk to me about Mike, but because I tend show that brand of emotion on really a superficial level, she could only sympathize. Now we're helping EACH OTHER through it. Disturbing it may be to read -- my account and yours -- it's truly a good thing to talk about these subjects because it's not as lonely as you think. They are real and people go through it everyday for as long as they can remember. It really speaks volumes into what you thought you knew about a person and explains more about why they are who they are today, and even where they're going. With that said, I commend you just on the strength for TALKING period. Talking helps you move out of it and/or can be, like you said, a sign of victory. Keep doing you, P, and I'll continue to pray for you. You're blessed. The mere fact you're going through it and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS without discretion shows me you know you're blessed, too. Never. Stop. Doing. That.

I'd thank you a million times, but Tom's a hater.

Tuesdays with Passie

Other than my brother Don's chirp interrupting the last 10 minutes w/ "Swing that shit", my experience watching Tuesdays with Morrie was really touching.  Firstly I love Jack Lemmon.  I know the movie is old and no I never read the book but I didn't really know about it till Steven Colbert interviewed the author (Mitch Albom) on his show.  It was a short movie but well acted and chock full of life's lessons presented in a palpable fashion.  I loved it.  I was taken back to people I've loved and lost, people I've removed from my life for no real reason, silly grudges, stupid choices, un-saids, in-actions.  And I feel empowered, amidst my many mistakes, in knowing that I still have time to grow and claim my life's path -something that definitely sounds weathered but is as illuminated as any summer morning.  Then I realized today was Tuesday.  And it all made sense.  Today I reconnected with myself, having been swept up in the rush of having a job again, I haven't been doing much soul searching.  And I know that journey never ends, so wasting days w/o introspection is toxic.  Now many things that I've managed to convince myself are out of reach, are mine to claim or bypass.  I am my only measure of happiness.  I highly recommend this movie.

Beloved

I've been feeling lonely lately.  Clearly I am not, ALONE.  But last night I had a dream with not one but two dudes I used to deal with.  Talk about your subconscious going IN.
Anyhow.  I got the idea to write a poem about my intended, whomever, and  wherever, he may be.  Then I lost the inspiration.  That was earlier this afternoon.  So here I go on the late night trying to get it right.

Imagining you to be
Many things
Yet no one thing
In particular
Conjuring intimacy
and endless embraces
You are a mirage
Tangible only when
We finally encounter
Love's haze
Someday
I will awaken you
See you through
Grateful eyes
Know you
And call you
Beloved.

Point Blank, Period.

Yea, this black sum-mum-ma bitch sent me a text Friday.  Simply stating "I know we're not talking right now but I hope that you love your new job."  Emotions welled up.  My attachment to Benito is not rational, it's completely built on a foundation of wild emotions.  Anyhow I didn't lose my head.  I text him the next day, Saturday, simply stating "I do."  Then he goes in w/ "Well hello, I didn't think I'd ever hear f/ you again."  C'mon guy.  You know wtf you did last time and why I haven't been beat.  So I say you didn't apologize.  He proceeds to tell me why I was actually mad.  No, negro.  I'm mad for the reason I said I was mad!  Are you serious?!  Instead of being real and just apologizing he argues me down.  I finally say, "Fine.  This isn't going anywhere."  He agrees, acting like it's my fault, talking about I just hit you up to see how you were and if you liked your job, I see you still feel some type of way about last time.  It reminded me of one of those movies when people reunite and as soon as they let their guards down, start arguing and realize neither one has changed.  I admit I'm stubborn, and I realize that Benito likes to make himself the victim when he does fucked up things, but I was right, point blank, period.  And I'm not beat.  I told him, it's not my JOB to be your friend, I chose to be there for you, but it's never enough.  It will never be.  EVER.  To be in his life, I would have to consistently compromise myself, infinitely.  Who the hell wants that?!  The fuck outta here.  AND.  I'm not stupid.  How many times do I have to say this.  I just omit stating the obvious.  He has a serious court date coming up.  He didn't hit me up out of the blue.  Get a grip on life Benito.  The game is real.  Asshole.

Hairrorist.

I'm an emotional hairrist!  I've realized this startling fact just this week.  Still having a lot of anger and resentment inside from yet another Benito relapse made me want to impulsively change my hair again.  I shaved it off after my last traumatizing incident w/him, and now I was about to relax all my will power down the drain.  Anyhow I pulled it together and compromised on a straightening comb.  For 20$ I get the temporary look w/o the permanent guilt.  Unfortunately when I straightened my hair there was no shape to it and so I trimmed it and tried to style as best I could. I'm going to have to go to the salon (DAMN) and let them get me started with that.  Anywho what I've realized is that I don't feel any different with my hair straight as I do with it natural.  I'm still neurotic and a bit insecure, self-aware and in my head either way.  So that obliterated that lie I had constructed these past months, that it would be easier to have my hair straight.  Still the same brain under the hair!  So at this point, which I find to be most difficult - I have to think past my current frustrations.  I think of my inspirations, an ex co-worker Keisha who's natural hair was sooo long when she got it straightened and who was fly either way.  People like Erykah Badu who just don't give a damn point blank period.  Cool ass Jill Scott.  And I think about another 6 months from now when I'll have more options and be in a different emotional space.  Benito free.  Happier.  And I am steadfast, no lye.

Star Rewards

Alllllllready.
 
I fucking love 

This is the beginning of a beautiful work-ship. 
1.  20% discount holmes. 
2.  $WEEKLY$ paycheck! 
3.  Have my schedule for the entire month 
4.  Bridal is clearly different & special, making me different & special 
5.  The mall is upscale, less riff-raff. 
6.  My hours rock, I need a Sunday lounge spot ASAP 
7.  Commute is GOOD TO GO! 
8.  I like the all black attire, it’s chic. 
Macy’s works for me! (& vice versa)

Broken Record

Is there really any need to go into the drama of the day?  I think not.  Needless to say it involved Benito and it was so typical and '05 of the negro.  I have some  quotable potables to express my hurt, and I will leave it at that.

"I know now you don't love me the same - the way that I love you..." (Ashanti)

" You don't laugh and you don't cry. Love can't live without emotion.  You don't reveal and you don't hide. Wearing your disguise out in the open..." (Van Hunt)

"I played the fool before, stared at the sun till I burned out my eyesight - blind but a man must move on..." (Bilal)

"I once was young but, I'm all grown up and, I know 'bout love and, I used to love you - you tried to play me, and then persuade me, I still remember, the pain you gave me..." (Aaliyah)

"I don't wanna wait in vain for your love..." (Bob Marley)

"He ain't fly, he don't even DRIVE..." (Chris Brown) Xica

"Hey ladies, why is it that, men can go do what's wrong, why is it that, we just decide to keep holding on, why is that - we never seem to just have the strength to leave - but he's got to go - he's got to go..." (Destiny's Child)

I could go on.  I'm sooooooo tired of being tired of this man.This is played out.

Life Comes @ You Fast

I GOT THE JOB!  I now work full-time @ Macy’s in the Bridal Registry .  Good hourly rate!  GOOD LOOK!  Back in the workforce.  Now I can look into the future with some money in my pocket.  HOLLAAAAAAAA!

Now when I’m at the club and they do the whole "if you got a job, you handling yours..." I can raise my hand!! LoL

I’m really excited.  I want to put my best foot forward.  I might hit up NY & Co. tomorrow.

Flashback

So yesterday morning I happened to be awake unusually early and I decided to step my job search up a notch.  As much I like Monster and Work Jersey.com, they haven’t really been hitting me with any spectacular prospects.  Anyhow so I decide to apply to Macy's, b/c honestly, when I started in retail, that’s where I originally wanted to work.  I love Macy's and I don’t see how working there could be so bad.  So I apply on their site.  A couple hours later I get a call from HR and boom, I have an interview.  I love the internet.  No pounding the pavement, just uploading the resume and you’re IN there!  I run around for a couple hours searching for some black pants and shoes and some conservative earrings.  Get home with enough time to change and off I go to Short Hills Mall.  The very mall that anyone who knows me knows intimidates me.  It is the epitome of white bourgeoisie.  Everything in the mall is white as well!  The interview went well, interviewed with the manager of the Bridal Registry and the Regional Manager and b/c I’d worked at David’s Bridal I had an edge - on the flip side because I’d been terminated, I had to make it sound good like I don’t have a tardiness problem, which let’s face it, I do.  But I know I have the ability to be prompt if I want to.  So now I just have to see if I wowed them.  It felt good to get suited up and have an interview though.  I miss working.

Cold-Blooded

Benito had to turn himself into jail yesterday.  As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I kind of felt relieved.  Yea I know it’s a fucked up emotion but I swear he is so draining.  The years of built up history and the way our friendship teeters on a foundation of resentment is toxic to me.  I stay dropping everything for him, going out of my way, out of my bed, out of my routine, for him.  It was like a snowball.  Since the end of Nov.  when we made up again for his b-day, ever since he’s been gradually asking for more and more from me.  I never say no.  I never state the obvious.  Like I always say, maybe I’m too nice but I’m not fucking dense.  I know he takes advantage of my feelings for him.  I don’t blame him.  I keep myself so available to him.  I don’t know why I feel obligated to do anything but turn the fucking ringer off.  Anyhow, he knew this shit was going to happen.  No of course he doesn’t deserve to be in the clink but he should have handled his business.  Grown ass man still cleaning up young man shit.  I feel like even though we have no romantic relationship we have an indescribable connection that I really cherish.
That said.  I’m tired.  He doesn’t appreciate shit I do.  It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show.  I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him.  He said you do - me.  I wanted to laugh @ this nigga.  He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do.  I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit.  Anyhow.  Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back.  Who is his plan B?  I can’t keep carrying him, WTF?  It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job.  Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas.  It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs."  He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life.  Never about me.  Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company.  I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity.  B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER.  That pissed me off.  That’s how I know I need to fall back.

My Mom the Go-Getter

Personality wise - I’m just like my father, he was pretty basic in his needs and he liked familiarity and I don’t really like going out on a limb if it isn’t necessary.  I guess I am conservative about taking risks in life - especially business and finance.  It makes me nervous to think of undertaking something like a business, even help someone else upstart theirs.  My mother is the complete opposite, she’s always thinking of the next venture, she owns plenty of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" type books.  Me, I’m an Aquarius, very idealistic, and I really don’t value money the way most people do.  My mom (also an Aquarius) once told me, money is meant to be spent and if you hold it tight in your hands, how can you have an open hand to receive any?  Makes sense to me.  So when I have money it’s cool and when I don’t, I stay my ass home, not that deep.  Anyway on to the meat of this blog - my mom the go-getter.
    She owns a corner store not too far from our house.  She didn’t consult with me about it just told me after the fact.  The first time I went to see it in Sept.  I didn’t like it, it was dark and crowded and corner store-ish.  I went today because she swears I don’t have an interest in the store.  It’s not that, it’s I just have no idea what’s going on with it.  And b/c of that I feel excluded and just assume she’ll tell me when she’s good and ready.  Anyhow it was a completely different space, open and bright and inviting.  And I felt proud of her.  I wish I could be entrepreneurial like her but I just don’t have it in me.  I’ll definitely support her though, and hopefully that spirit of enterprise will show up in my children when I have a family .  Anyhow I guess this is just about how amazing my mom is, and how much I love her (oh gawd so sappy).

Concert 2

So last night’s concert I wasn’t as geeked about b/c I was going to see Peter Hadar who was only opening.  Amanda Diva was headlining (never heard of her ass), Talib Kweli hosting and Q-tip featuring.  I got there late cause I took a nap at like 6pm to wake up at 7 but woke up at 7:30 instead.  Anyhow got to the city it was like 9 I found a good spot to stand in front of the bar at SOB’s by the steps that the artists go down.  I ended up being there dolo (Katie no other concert partner will do, and you know why...just got a text this afternoon, psh - KNOCKOFF).  No one was on the stage for a good hour.  Then Peter Hadar comes up to me and recognized me immediately.  I gave him a hug he said he performed mad early and I told him I was going to buy his CD.  He was very nice, I really appreciate that.  THEN.  Talib Kweli came up the steps and stood directly next to me, so close that I hid my cellphone cause I was getting on myspace and for some reason didn’t want him to see me doing that!  THEN Q-tip ended up standing right next to me w/ his black bubble coat, smelling heavenly.  Unlike the husky chick on my left who was NOT SURE.  Anyhow Amanda Diva is a cute girl, but her rapping is pretty elementary, she can sing though, and she has personality and is quite funny.  I enjoyed her covering other people’s songs and just rocking to the DJ more than her actual joints  Overall a very cool night, being amidst celebrity in such a relaxed scenario, made me further know that they are just like you and me.  Can’t wait for MOS!  That, I am geeked about!

March Madness!

This month is just about to JUMP OFF!
March 8 - Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
March 12 - Peter Hadar w/ Talib Kweli & Q-tip @ SOB's
March 30 - MOS DEF! @ The Nokia Theatre - C'mon!

Takes me back to August, that was the last live month I've had as far as concerts.  Also, I need a job, what's new right?  Yea I know.  I got some reasonable car insurance!  Progressive.  No not those jokers who suddenly asked me how I knew Benito.  Sheesh.  I'm also trying to take a trip down to MD to see an old friend, his name is Paul.  We got back in touch thanks to the wonders of Myspace.  I searched for his page but when I found it, looked like he had abandoned it for years.  So I sent him a message just in case in Dec.  He just called me last week.  That's my ace.  It's always nice to reconnect with someone you really cared about.  So I'm thinking about renting a car since I'm 25 now and the rates are cheaper.  Yes I think I shall.  Also, even though he doesn't ask me very often, I've been taking Benito to work more often than I'd like to.  See this is the problem when you have no real obligations, people think it's ok to ask you to do things out of the blue.  Not so, not ok.  He and I went to IHOP last week and he was talking to me about other women and how they always think it's more than it is.  And I said to him "you don't have to worry about me", he got a little tight wondering why I put myself in the same column as them.  But he said he knew a relationship wouldn't work the day he went fucking AWOL and I called my girl to come get me.  Umm, ok.  Not a good reason.  Then he said, and you have sex w/ other guys (we haven't had sex in 3 years, WTH does that have to do w/ anything?).  I was like yea God forbid.  Anyhow I realized as I continually realize that he just doesn't make any sense.  And that my pursuit of him makes me seem desperate and ridiculously masochistic.  Such is my lot in life thus far though.  Speaking of having sex with other guys, Robert that I met on New Year's, we did the horizontal tango.  I hate when guys ask me how it was after.  Especially when it sucked ass.  So I told him, it was aiight.  You're 25 and still rabbit-fucking?!  I was getting aggravated, and he took too long.  I don't like sex all day and night.  What's worse is, I KNEW it was gonna be wack.  You know when you get a preview when ya'll are messing around? - I wasn't impressed.  Ahh well.  He was pressed talking about when are you gonna stop teasing me.  I thought well maybe he'll surprise me.  Now he'll never get another whiff.  I don't do repeats of wackness.  No sir.  Not a good year so far in the intimacy dept.  I think I'm gonna take another long hiatus.  I miss Justin.  That was the Greatest Sex ©R. Kelly.

UPDATE.

Benito was released today.  After not hearing from him or knowing what the situation was since last Tuesday afternoon, he'd finally called me and said that he was picked up from his job on an old warrant from '98 that had been dismissed.  He told me people to call and what to do for bail and I surfed the net getting all the info ready to get him out the next day.  An hour later, he calls from his old cell phone and is like he's out.  Apparently this older lady from his job bailed him out.  He was happy to be out of course, telling me about his whole ordeal, how much he loved me and everyone who was concerned.  He didn't smoke for a whole week and has decided to quit cheefing...we'll see if that lasts.  Anyhow crisis averted. 

Benito is locked up.

Imagine my shock and dismay.  I dropped him to work Tuesday, he said we'd definitely hang out Wednesday because he was off and then I didn't hear from him, but didn't think much of it since it's Benito.  Come Friday morning, I get a phone call from his friend Kevin telling me that Benito told him to call me - to call his brother - to tell him to go pick him up from jail since his bail was ready.  Of course I wondered why he was in there what had happened but I figured he would tell me when he was released.  Well Friday came and went.  I called his phone that night to see if he was out and his friend Brian answered.  He tells me he had another warrant.  Now I'm like damn this is some bullshit what about his job?  And what can I really do to help him?  I feel pretty useless all Saturday and get a call early this morning from Kevin again asking if I'd heard anything else.  Naw Kev, I was hoping YOU were calling with news.  So now I feel like I have to get proactive, because Benito doesn't have A LOT of people in his life, and because I can sense that the longer he's in there the more angry and dismayed he's becoming.  I don't want a different Benito to come out of there.  I prayed for him every night, I don't even pray for myself.  I'll let you know how it pans out.

The Texting Saga

Since September when I managed to wrangle this phone away from my mother, the texting has not been working.  I've called Nextel a couple times and also visited the Sprint store.  Today I was on a mission, I went to 2 Sprint stores and two regular shops trying to either get my phone fixed or offload the piece of crap.  Nothin' doin.  So I got home, feeling utterly defeated, and finally dozed off.  I woke up like 4 this morning, and just decided to fuck with my phone some more, changing settings, removing the Sim card, etc.  Don't you know, I fixed my phone!  I should be happy, but now I'm just more pissed off.  If the solution was something as simple as the damn setting, why did no one from Nextel think to ask me what mine were?  These fucking imcompetent retards.  5 months I've spent telling people not to text me.  5 months I've had to call people who most times I'd rather text, 5 months spent out of the texting loop, all b/c Nextel can't provide proper customer service and tech support.  Imma bomb them, I swearfojefus.

Don’t stop...belieeevin’

Well, was thinking yesterday about the fact that when I reminisce over whomever (my God), that it's always the heart breaker, the player, the loser, the waste of time.  What about those nice guys that (b/c I'm a glutton for punishment) never had a chance.  Many a time I've had a guy actually try to court me, want to spend time, be polite and affectionate, and it's mostly made me uncomfortable.  How fucked up is that?  Yea partially maybe the chemistry wasn't there, and I'm not one to force something unnatural, but also I just can't stand the sappiness of it all.  I'm more of a jokester, that's what warms me to someone, being able to laugh and kid and be sarcastic, and quote movies and be witty.  That's natural.  Yet and still, I have decided to try to be more open to the nice guy, it's not his fault he hasn't learned how to be an asshole.

In other news, I finally have to get a job, 4real, all those other times I said it were warm-ups, but I have until the beginning of March to be back in the work force, ugh.

I also need to go to a good party.  But I haven't been feeling so hot lately, like not sexy at all, like what?  You want me to dress up, nigga please.  So Imma work on that.

I just started on another of my resolutions, to read more.  I'm well into a book called The Witch of Portabello by Paulo Coehlo.  Good stuff. 
Lastly, Willy from MTB4 is MARRIED.  I'm so through w/ that show now, did they think I was watching it for Quanell and his pink ass lips (ughhh), or stingy-braid havin Brian???? No.  Fortunately Project Runway is about to get to the good stuff, the final 3 and fashion week.

That is all for now.

 

Even when he's NOT on my mind.

So this morning I'm searching for some reasonable car insurance.  I've already lapsed a month and I was leaning towards Geico or Progressive, a 6-month policy to hold me over till I get another 3-point annual safe-driving deduction.  Then I remembered this spot NJCure.  I did their online quote, they quoted $780 for 12 months, I usually pay $2500 a year (my record is, ehhh).  So I call to complete the process, she's asking me routine questions and the next thing I know she's like, "Who is Benito Hobbs?"  I was stunned to silence.  I was like a friend of mine.  She explained his name came up cause he got a ticket while driving my car.  Man oh man, I thought I was in the twilight zone 4real!  Even when we're not really in each other's lives, we're in each other's lives.  Dammit man.

NJ Knights

This is my favorite poem that I've ever written:

I can't.

It's finally happened.  I've reached my B.S. limit.  I can't be bothered anymore.  Niggaz who smoke, I'm walking the other fucking way.  It's not negotiable anymore.  Poor Robert.  Everything he does, he has to smoke first.  Now, before I even TRY to like a guy, I need to know if he smokes first.  TRAGEDY.

Ed.

So that's the name of my great grandfather on my father's side.  Ed Arnold.  And apparently he had big plans for his grandchildren.  My great Uncle Ronald recently moved to GA, and sold his home in Elizabeth, his father's home.  In the will, it is said that his grandchildren all receive some portion of the sale monies.  I'm my father's sole heir (as my Grammy so eloquently stated) and apparently could be coming into a little something.  What a shocker for the new year.  I'll let you know how it all pans out.  But knowing Uncle Ronald, I'll probably get like $5!

My Hot Thing...

I met someone on New Year's.  His name is Robert.  He's a nice guy.  Hard working, a gentleman (he's originally from down south), pays for shit (we went on a real live date New Year's day: IHOP then to play pool, and he ain't eeeven try to let me win, psh)!  We've kicked it a couple times and last night was nice (no sex in the champagne room, not after the Lenny fiasco, need to have space between the two) but just a lot of heat...he's a keeper for now.  We have a lot of strange things in common.  His b-day is Feb. 23, mines is the 12th, he named his first car Mister I named mine Misty.  He used to have an Ac 3.5 too!  And he likes my pussy -

cat Whiskers.

 

 

Gotcha! (Get your mind out the gutter, I mean really.)

Why I haven't blogged about Benito.

Well...that's simple.  Because I haven't heard from his ass since...(looking at calendar) Dec. 19th.  I called him for Christmas & New Year's.  No answer.  Whatever-the-fuck-ever.  I'm so glad I've discovered Feist b/c some of her song lyrics are more prophetic than any poetry I could pen.

Let It Die by Feist

Let it die and get out of my mind
We don't see eye to eye
Or hear ear to ear

Don't you wish that we could forget that kiss ?
And see this for what it is
That we're not in love

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start

It was hard to tell just how I felt
To not recognize myself
I started to fade away

And after all it won't take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don't want
I learned that with you

The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart
The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn't the ending so much as the start
 
You know I've been trying to let it die, you're all invited to the funeral.