Outer body experience.

This morning I got my first taste of what an abusive relationship could be like.  I slept over Benito's house (completely platonic as usual) and we had some drama over him going into my purse.  He tried to use my car while I was sleeping and got caught and also took my phone out and tried to be jealous because Terrence had called me.  I balked at the supposed jealousy and was preparing to head home.  We were arguing a little and then he punched the door.  My hands started to shake.  I tried to change out of my pajamas and he grabbed my skirt while I was trying to put it on.  Then he took off with my car and came back and said he wouldn't let me leave, to just come back upstairs, I refused I just wanted to go home so I said get out of the car.  We had a standoff, I called Nia to come get me and so that she would know where I was just in case.  It was a drawn out battle and at moments it felt like he was trying to break my spirit and get me to comply but nothing in the world was going to convince me to go back into the house.  Finally Nia arrived and he surrendered the keys.  I was shaken the entire morning, paranoid and unable to rest peacefully.  Then @ 12 he called apologizing and sounding so pathetic, saying that he loved me and got jealous and doesn't know how to express himself and he didn't want me to leave b/c he knew I wouldn't talk to him after the purse incident...while we were having the standoff he jumped in my face and physically threatened me and I told him this is like a bad movie, are you kidding me?  So the entire morning felt like I was looking down on someone else be mentally battered and drained and then this afternoon I ended up with him in my car talking about possibly being in a relationship.  BELIEVE ME, I am like such a rational person, I know that this sounds like there is only one clear option, to remove him from my life and be thankful that he only used theatrical violence to try to sway me.  But I care about this man and have for many years.  I am not trying to be in a fucked up relationship but I am not going to give up on him.  I know how it sounds but that's the craziness of certain situations, you know logically you're speaking gibberish to people and it makes sense to you at the time.  I am not stupid, maybe too caring, but not an idiot, you won't see me wearing dark glasses talking bout I'm not gon' cry.  I may end up hurt and disappointed b/c this is his very last chance b/c if he ever makes me feel unsafe again I will never talk to him again in life.  That you can believe, the rest is up for debate.

When it comes down to it

It's all about having that special person that you know thinks about you when everyone else is thinking about someone else.  It's all about having a place that you can go where you are safe and loved, and never feel afraid to be yourself.  It's about finding the person and creating the space and appreciating that gift and never taking advantage of it's rarity.  There are nights when the very last place I want to be is at home and the last thing I want to be is alone in my room.  Don't get me wrong, most of the time that's exactly where I want to be, but you know, I'm getting older and the biological clock is ticking and time waits for no man and whatever other cliches you would like to insert there.  I feel my life's momentum slowly winding up again and my disposition is much more optimistic, and with this renewal of spirit I find myself looking around for someone to nurture and encourage my progression.  No one.  No one who would put me above most things to make sure I was happy.  Not yet.  But I happen to know, that many good things are heading my way, new people and places and experiences.  All waiting to escort me into the next phase of my life.  Where I will happily be in that special place, with that special person, and  very, very grateful.

Missing me.

I really miss the way I used to be when I was younger.  My personality, my habits, the things that made me happy, I miss.  Of course part of me died when my dad passed, but I know most of me just disappeared when I went through the drama of college.  And now, it's sometimes like, what's left?  Sometimes I'm sooo uncomfortable in my own skin, or so trapped by my new complacency that I feel defeated and long for the happiness I carried with me as a youth.  It's definitely not all of the time.  But sometimes it just like, how did I lose myself, while being myself?  Little things that used to absolutely sustain me, I can't even make myself enjoy anymore.  I used to listen to music at all times, in my room, on the computer, doing homework, writing, even while I slept.  Yea it's always pumping in the car but I don't drive nearly half as much as I hole up in the house nowadays.  And writing.  I just don't understand the emotional block I have with writing, it's so frustrating.  And being silly, having senseless fun, just being myself, it's so difficult at times.  I wish if I could go back, that I would have held on to my true self a little tighter.

In concert

This month has rocked.  I mean yea, I don't have a job, but it's afforded me the opportunity to go to many a concert without having to drag myself anywhere in the morning. 
Aug. 3: Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
Aug. 11: Summer of '87 @ BBKings
Aug. 14: Boot Camp Clik @ SOB's
Aug. 17: Hypnotic Brass Ensemble @ The Lion's Den
Then off to my Carnival cruise to Mexico on the 23rd.
One of the best months in years.
I'm happy.  Still wishing I had a sustaining relationship to ground me - but you can't have it all.  And anyhow, when life gets you down, go to a concert!

Stressing over myself actually.

This isn't a good time to have Benito back in my life.  I'm at this crazy crossroad and there is so much I want to do.  My motivation is like on the back-burner but my urgency is at the forefront.  I have to be more.  I have to.  I have to get it together in these next couple of years, so I can start a family and get on to what life is about for me.  And I'm back to catering to this guy?  Who has stayed in the same place for years?  Naw yo, not a good look.  So I need to ease out of this and get back to me and do it ASAP and not be apologetic.  Sitting up 2 in the AM stressing because I'm still weak in this area.  Stressing cause I'm not strong about my future.  This is a mess.  Imma get it together.

Temper

My temper is not born of temperament
It's existence is brief amidst my lifetime
The intensity of my disdain gains
Increasing the chaos in my mind
It's an arresting feeling
A bubbling of convictions
Sending my impulses reeling
Staggering my convictions
It signals helplessness
The endpoint of frustration
A primal restlessness
When derailed by situations

Know your role?

It's so ironic, every time Benito is in my life I have mad shit to write about, I even wrote a poem yesterday...but when I'm talking to other guys it's like... ::crickets::  Anyhow.  His son turned 6 today.  Benito had to work so he gave me the money to get the cake.  Ice cream cakes ROCK, they were out of Spider-man (of course), but also, I think this is cooler anyway, Spider-man is like, so 2 years ago.  Anyhow, Benito was really happy with my choice and tomorrow he's off so we're all going to The Land of Make-believe.  I've spent some time with the little boy before...I personally don't think he likes me, but who knows, he acts like his father - who is also a mystery.

But let's get to the point of this particular blog.  What the hell is my role this time around?  It's always the question du jour.  Obviously we're friends but while I was taking him to work he said the J Holiday song  "Bed" is our song...oh really...and what about that song applies to us?  Now we're doing this outing with his son tomorrow and I'm like, am I also mommy day care?  Like what's really?  I don't know what my role is,  maybe that's best, cause  once I embrace some definitive role with him, that's when all the drama always begins... 
So...for all those who maybe have never seen this man that I've ranted about for so long...here ya go:

Oh, so we back on THAT again...

After so long w/o him, and 3 weeks without friction, Benito has finally showed his ass again.  I knew deep down...you just have to let men get comfortable.  And with me, it's like, he thinks I'm just so weak, or easily won over, or stupid, or BEAT.  This guy.  I went over his house after having done laundry and showering, thinking we were gonna kick it and as soon as I put my shit down he spits some shit about needing more blunts and cigarettes, he's gonna run to the store and be right back...he dips.  5 minutes pass he comes back talking bout he forgot his money...yet he takes some CDs with him...I clock him.  It's damn 11:50 when he leaves...2 hours later, and many chirps on my part...he comes in and acts shocked that I'm still dressed and not in my PJs.  Dude, if you think Imma stay over after you went around the world, smoked and had someone in my car for 2 hours, you're buggin', yea I'm buggin' for letting you go, but you're really buggin' for thinking I was gonna let it go.  I had my shit ready to go and was like I'm going home, he says incredulously, you ain't going nowhere, I say what store did you go to for two hours, I can watch TV @ home, and I didn't come here to sit here by myself.  His only reply is but I was coming back...GUY, get it together.  He was dead wrong, he gave me my keys and I started heading out.  And he acted like he was mad.  I swear to God.  I can't believe this shit.  THIS FUCKING GUY has me back on this bullshit again!

Selfish

I showed serious weakness of character these past couple of months.  I've been brave with some things, and so selfish and cowardly in others.  I have a lot of growing up to do still.  I don't think I can ever get rid of the guilt from what I may have done.  Yet I think the ignorance of others is what makes me so reluctant anyway.  I would be more open if all the facts were known.  It's still my fault.