Heavy.

My thoughts are deliberate and scattered, like an aerial view of people milling about in a suburban mall. Intersecting, wandering, entering and exiting my mind, an endless carousel of life's musing. Some thoughts weigh heavily. I think of certain people and moments that stay suspended in my mind's eye. The atmosphere and emotions are all still so palpable yet just out of arm's reach, alive with tones, colors, sentiments.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.

The Dating Game

This past week I've been compelled to join e-harmony & blacksingles.com. For some reason something told me to make myself more available to new people. Well the payoff has been swift and immediate. This evening I was contacted by a very handsome gentleman on blacksingles (sorry but e-harmony is a waste of money) and if nothing else he made me smile and gave me that feeling that I should not settle, as I have been dealing with all of these relics from the past. I also joined these sites with the hopes that I could connect and maybe befriend a few people from the Phoenix area, so that perhaps my social calendar wouldn't be as barren when I get there next year (one can dream, right?)

Mos Def Concert Tickets - Electric Factory in Philadelphia, PA

Mos Def Concert Tickets - Electric Factory in Philadelphia, PA

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Writer's Block

I've really wanted to blog for a month now. I kept postponing it thinking that once I transfer my Myspace blog I'll be ready. But I printed out my Myspace for backup and it was well over 30 pages. There's 3 years of steady blogging trapped on the Space. Ugh, the thought of transferring each one is overwhelming. I have also felt like even though I've had emotional moments and deep thoughts and great events to discuss, something inside was keeping me from feeling so inclined. It's weird, but that's also how I feel about my own personal writing. My poetry, I haven't written a new poem in Godknowswhen. It's an uncomfortable feeling when people praise my writing ability and I think to myself I haven't written anything in forever. I feel like it's a disservice to myself and to the people that believe in my talent. Like why haven't I pursued any work in that field? I know I'm not the most motivated person but I should be doing more with the gifts I have. I'll try to work on that.

Anyhow quick re-cap of the past months since my FAB trip to Cabo.

-Came back from Cabo couldn't get back in the swing of work.
-I was approaching 2 years natural, but by the end of May, I had cut and straightened my hair into a fierce style but when it was curly, it looked a mess.
-I had to perm it. Since then, it's been a steady trip down short hair lane and now I'm on my Halle Berryyy, Halle Berry. I love it, I feel free and happy.
-I plan on going natural again and doing it right.
-Benito has disrespected me for the last time. I told him I would take his ass to court, he owes me a sum of money, and he has till April 2010 to pay me back. I feel no need to communicate with him anymore.
-The rest of my love life is uneventful. And summer is almost over! Boo-hunting on overdrive, lol!

::AZ 360::

I've already informed most of my close friends and now I'm discussing it for posterity. I'm moving to Arizona next year. Beginning May 1st my plan will be in motion and I will be in Arizona April, 2010. Ever since I discussed it with mom, and she responded with emphatic enthusiasm, my resolve has been solidified. I've been feeling ecstatic and relieved, and now I know that this is the best decision I've ever made. I've been feeling trapped in a rut for the past couple of years and continually disappointed that I have not returned to school. But what better way to kick start my life than a new state, a new start, and perpetual sunshine? Many people say why Arizona, why not ATL or Florida? Honestly I've always been fascinated by Arizona, the desert climate, the sunsets, the culture. And it's on the other side of the country, it's an adventure. I've been doing a lot of research and am not going into this blindly. I've lived on my own before but it was 7 years ago and I was young and stressed out. 26 is the perfect age. It means a lot to me. It symbolizes many significant milestones in my history. My mother was 26 when she had me, this year marks 13 years since my father's passing - I have lived exactly 1/2 of my life with him and 1/2 without. It boggles the mind. And for some reason, I feel like this year calls for a grand gesture, a daring choice. With all of that said, maybe I won't like it, maybe I won't succeed...New Jersey will always be here, that's a fact. I'm tired of Jersey, the winters depress me, and I feel like there's nothing to keep me here (of course I'll miss family and friends!). At least I'm making my life's story interesting and keeping the pages turning, and like my hair idol Jill Scott crooned "Living my life like it's GOLDEN!"

"All I do is dress, and rest."

Howyoudoin'? I only have 6 days until I am on my flight to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico for 5 days of R & damn R! Well needed and highly anticipated... yes - prepared for, NO. I just, just ordered my wardrobe for the trip from Old Navy online, whom I do most of my summer shopping with, (cheap and disposable, and I know my sizing in everything). I did express 2-day, but because I ordered just now, who knows if it will arrive Monday or Tuesday? Ah well, still need sandals, a new digital camera, and a big ass beach hat. But, since I'm off this Friday, and up anyway, I made a quick collage of the items I ordered so that I could go shopping for extras before it arrives. Don't you love it. It says, laid back, colorful, cute. That's me. And for the value, can't beat it. 17 items for $200, I'm not new to this! Anyhow I am so thankful for this trip, my job, my cool ass manager that cushioned the 5 days with 3 scheduled days off so that I won't be anywhere near Macy's for 8 straight days. Who's bad? I plan on taking bukoo vacation videos this time around and going whale watching as well (apparently this is the season), also hitting up the spa. But mostly, I want to luxuriate on the beach with a piña colada and forget about all of my angst. I just want to enjoy myself, it's ME time!!!!!

2009. Deadline.

Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.

I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.

I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but

I am going to Cabo in 2 months

and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.

There are new people in my life. But none of them make me feel the way I feel just being around Benito, burning him a CD, us riding in my car listening to Boot

Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.

Stick to the Script

"All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - Shakespeare

There are so many times in life when you have conversations with people and you feel as though you are simply enabling someone in avoiding the obvious. Why do people beat around the bush? Why not be direct and honest, it saves everyone involved time and energy and I feel, promotes a healthier relationship. I crave honest people, someone who will say to me exactly what it is they want within the first minute of a dialogue. I believe that it makes me more inclined to concede to their desires. A good friend of mine, Jesse, I call him my brother, well his brother is a mechanic. Alex always knew why I was calling him, one day I called him for some car related issue and I say you know I only call when I need something, and we share a laugh and he says something to the tune of and that's why I like you. It's easier in my humble opinion, to be direct, straight no chaser, cut to the quick, and move on with your life. I am rarely ever as straight-forward as I wish everyone in my life would be, although in my mind while experiencing the procrastination of others, I have already wrapped many a conversation up with a pretty little bow. I know why you called, I know what you want, so just say it already and I can decide whether or not I want to help. This is one of my peeves in life. It may seem insignificant in the pantheon of things that annoy me but actually it lies at the very heart of my interactions with the world.

Tommy, you ain't got no job mayyyn!

So I went on a job interview exactly one week ago today, it's a 30 minute drive but it pays more, the hours are good, and I get my weekends back...unfortunately, they haven't called me about the job I hope I didn't get the shaft on the sly...I'll give them till Friday then I'll call to make sure, can't keep a sister hanging! It might not be this job, but I will be making that move to a better job soon, I need my funds correct so I can move on with my plans for life. I'll keep ya posted.

Crocodile Tears

Man, I cried today. I cried this morning before work, I cried @ the gas station when my bumper came off, I cried when my mom came and we talked, I cried from being ashamed of crying. I feel like a little kid when I cry, and these tears were quiet tears, that skate down your face without any effort on your part. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed as far as my finances and my plan for my life. It's a natural thing but it's still difficult to stay on top of things. I'm beginning to be worn down by having a job that has nothing to do with the career I'm pursuing. Retail is hell. Period end of story, thank you and have a nice day. Retail during the holidays, is a slow painful torture that tests your resolve and character on a daily basis...people IT'S JUST CLOTHES! I mean you would think people were applying for home loans when they come to the register. Honestly, if you're in an emotional or aggravated state, don't shop. I never did like shopping, now I'm developed and intense loathing for it. I haven't even shopped since I started @ K&G in August, and I've lost a lot of weight, but I just can't be a customer right now.