Faded

I really like my new haircut, but I hate blogging on here sometimes, I just blogged for 20 minutes and when I tried to post it, myspace had "an unexpected error."  Psh.  It makes me not want to blog for a couple days.  It's hard to try to reform the ashes of your thoughts after you just poured them all out.  But basically I was saying that cutting my hair is a clean slate, I feel like I've gotten rid of old energy, I'm excited for all of the possibilities as it grows out in it's natural state, again .  Also I was saying that I'm thankful that my mother made it back safely from Europe, that I'm happy, and that I'm really optimistic.  Benito and I are still on the roller-coaster ride that is our relationship and Terrence is one of my favorite people.  He's an awesome person and friend and he balances out all of the bullshit I go through with other guys, he's also taught me a lot about myself and been a true friend.  I'm almost at the finish line with the Unemployment odyssey and I am still aiming for spring with returning to school.  I'm going to be ordering a new CPU today so I should be back in full effect in a couple weeks.  I miss myspace and having a distraction other than T.V.  Sooo I'm good...holla.

When she's gone...

My mom is gone for 2 weeks on vacation in Europe, it made me think about what I would do if she was gone forever, how I would take care of myself without my plan B.  She's always there for me, even if she doesn't always make it easy to ask for help, I know that eventually she will come through, and I know that's a gift and I really do appreciate her unending love and support.  But I'm about to be 25 and she just turned 50 and the tables are slowly turning, I'm supposed to be establishing myself so that she won't need for things later on in her life, so that I can try to repay her for everything she's done for me.  I really think I'll miss her these coming weeks, but maybe I'll have some good news for her, or a card, or something.  She's my role model, so strong and determined and accomplished.  She came from a small village in Haiti and now she owns a home and has made a good life for her and her family from Haiti that have come over here.  I love her and hope that her strength is within me and will propel me towards my destiny.  I dread the day that I will have to say goodbye forever, but I'm so thankful she's been the mother so many people wished they had while I was growing up.

Thanks Uncle Sam!

That's right, I've officially gotten on America's lunchline, or loungeline...I've filed for unemployment. I was on the fence @ first, felt a little guilty, a little slothy, but then I was like fuck it, let me ride it till the wheels fall off. When I got my weekly benefit amount, I felt no shame. I am going to be getting paid the exact same amount as I was when I worked @ David's full time - sans commission of course, but that's a good look. Now I have time to get focused, see about school for once, just chill and not be depressed cause I have to go to a job I hate. So yea, welcome to the good life...for now. Apparently it's not quite as simple as collecting a check, but all they're gonna be tryna to do is get me hired while I try to stay unemployed, just gimme a couple months to luxuriate...and get some things in order, and I'll get another job, happily.

Naw son.

I was really tempted to kick back on my laurels and collect unemployment while I figured out how to get back into school.  But now I realize I'm too accustomed to the routine of working life and I can't fall back to deadbeatness now.  I'll just have to pursue school and work, for my sanity and my finances.  So I do have some deal-breakers with the next job, NO RETAIL.  There's got to be a better way to make money with little to no real effort.  Even retail isn't that easy, and it destroys your social life, steals away your weekends, and kills your spirit if you let it.  So maybe a nice office job or something unexpected, but no more "Hi, welcome to such and such, how can I help you today..."  Yea, that's final.  But I need a job ASAP!  I can't believe I let a month go by, I thought working @ David's was depressing but sitting around all day is like the 9th level of hell or something, I like having purpose, it may not be my career goals achieved but atleast I'm making the most of my days doing something.  So I'll let you know as soon as I lock something down.

On another note.  I'm on the fence about continuing my relationship with Benito.  I don't think he's capable of making me happy, I'm sure he would like to and even thinks he's making it happen but I feel miserable, mostly I'm not over what happened and then it's like, he just doesn't get it.  I'm affectionate and he's controlling about things like that, if he initiates it, it's ok, if I ask for something he gets frustrated saying just let it happen and let me be myself.  Dude if that's who you are I need to be with someone completely different before I lose it, forreal.

Also my CPU is getting fixed so I can only get on when I come to my uncle's house so I'm tryna make the most of my blog.  But eventually I'll be back on track.  Thanks for the wise words Jessie, needed a guys opinion...