Well, I wasn’t going to mention this but...

I saw Benito yesterday morning.  It wasn't monumental or a big deal by any means.  He'd taken some pics of Boot Camp when we went to see em in Aug. and I'd never gotten them developed.  So I just recently did and I decided to mail them to him since yesterday was his 30th bday.  You know, it's the principality, those are his pics.  But b4 I mailed I realized that perhaps he might have moved b/c of some circumstances and I didn't want them to be lost in limbo.  So I dug his number out of my mental Rolodex (it's like burned on my brain, psh) and called.  No answer.  I left a defensive yet casual message (to the tune of; I'm not calling for whatever reason you might think, just wanted to mail these pics, let me know if you still live on such and such).  Well he called back yesterday morning and was like you don't have to mail them just drop it by.  You know today's my bday.  I said I know like a jerk.  Anyhow he came out of the house and I opened my car door but didn't get out, he took the card and that was that.  It was awkward.  He was like I'm waiting for my boy to go pick up my car (finally!) and I'll call you later (for what dude? thankfully he didn't but I was apprehensive all afternoon).  And he was like this is my new number, this from the guy who told me 2 months ago that I'm out of his life for good.  Whatever.

Am I selfish?

Yesterday my brother called me saying he needed to go to a pawn shop and that he wasn't in a good way.  So I got into sister mode, went and got him and we went to the shop, the price they were offering was low so we went to IHOP to see what other options he had, we came back to my house to do some research and see how else you can sell an engagement ring but eventually we gave up and just chilled the rest of the day.  He ended up sleeping over (which is nothing out of the ordinary).  Although yesterday I told him I wasn't doing anything today, my boy Marcus called this morning cause he wanted to come through and kick it.  I haven't seen him in a grip and he could have been just what the doctor ordered to end my drought.  But no.  My brother is like well can I stay in mommy's room while he's here.  I'm like no can't you go to your dad's or to one of your boys houses?  No, everyone is out of town and his pops isn't having it.  Beyond the fact that he's gained back 1/3 of the 120 lbs he lost last year, it's clear he's depressed, no job, and him and the fiance' are beefing.  But I want to chill w/ Marcus, but he's like I have no where else to go.  So I had to call Marcus back and cancel.  I was so pissed off I went to sleep just so I wouldn't say something fucked up.  Am I selfish?  Or is he wrong for not telling me the whole situation yesterday.  So now I'm stuck in the house w/ his ass on a perfect day to be booed up.  This sucks. 

Such is Life.

In every relationship I go into, there comes a point where I inevitably have to tell that other person my one big issue.  And each time has been unique unto itself and the person involved.  And the last time was the very worst and I am still coming to grips with the aftershock.  But I am getting to a point where I'm not even sure that the emotional strain on me is worth whatever unknown outcome.  Should I just stick to my circle that already know everything about me and keep it moving or still be open to new relationships?  I just tried to open up to a friend tonight and he made it so difficult and as if it was his hardship that I was like dumbfounded.  Never has anyone been so dramatic before I spilled the beans, I mean really.  And still he does not want to know.  And I'm like well whatever it's not something I like revealing anyway.  Such is life right.  It's just not fair though, because I can tell I've changed my entire outlook on relationships because of my experience and it sucks.  It's not fair to me or any prospects.  I don't even know how to describe the alienation of the truth at times.  How I have to will myself to be honest every time, how I wished I had no character at all and could live my life with a different mentality.  But I am so very thankful for friends like Terrence and the such, who have shown me that being yourself pays off and the people who are meant to be in your life won't make it difficult for you to be comfortable in your own skin.  And I am now seeing that these facts make it easier for me to disclose the things I keep closest to my vest because I have faith in people on a whole.  Sometimes.    

Trouble, trouble...

Lenny is coming to chill with me tomorrow.  If you have no idea who this is, dig through my blogs, I know I've had a couple about him, some are only for my preferred list, howyoudoin!  Anyhow he was my first love and is a good friend now, we've tried to keep it platonic since he lives with his BM but he makes it his point to call me and visit.  So at some point I'm like fuck it and I will only feel as guilty as he does.  Now.  Tomorrow I plan on watching movies with him.  What does he plan on doing?  I wonder...

Word Trap

Resisting my calling
Subsequent labeling
Poet - wordsmith
Truly no more than a
Butcher with flourish
Lassoing words once unformed
Limitless in the expanse
Dragged down by my very thoughts
Pinned between page and pen
So foreign their containment
Doomed to be perused endlessly
By some disengaged scholar
Now inspired to perform
Massacres on a grander scale

-Pascalle Arnold

I Remember

When I was 11, my dad took me to the movies, this is the only time I can remember him doing this, and we watched 3 movies, back to back, we just kept coming out and getting another ticket for something else.  I always remember one was The Shadow, I think the other was The Lion King, and who knows what the 3rd was, but I did some research and Crooklyn came out that year so maybe it was that.  Anyhow that's not the point.  The point is little things like that, movie marathons, playing Sega CD with him, having Minesweeper battles, still remind me how cool of a guy my dad was.  I'm grateful he was a computer geek and a kid at heart, he was a simple guy and he wasn't too talkative but he was very eloquent.  I am his daughter in so many ways, and this morning I find myself missing him a lot.  But I've been having some movie marathons of my own lately, and whenever technology allows me to do something cool I always wish he was here cause he'd be so impressed.  He couldn't imagine downloading movies in an hour and watching at your leisure.  I remember specifically one day he was reading the paper and talking about this new technology called DVDs and how it was going to revolutionize things!  Anyhow, when Lord of the Rings came out I really wished I could have watched them with him, and shared other milestones that defined my childhood and our relationship.  The lasting memory is that he loved me, and had his own way of showing it, but the most important way, was that he was always there for me.

Intimacy

I'm just coming off of a romantic movie marathon :  The Notebook (OMG, soo beautiful), In The Land of Women (why did Meg Ryan get plastic surgery? so upsetting), and The Holiday (loved it).  Now I'm thinking about my drought and wondering if sex is what I actually need  Perhaps I'm just lacking intimacy.  Which would heal my heart in a way that a sexual escapade never could.  Benito's birthday is this month.  I feel like writing him a letter, not an I miss you or can we be friends again letter but a I just want you to know how I feel will never change no matter how much we hate each other letter.  I have a feeling he's going to be moving soon b/c of some circumstances and I fear we'll never be able to reach one another again even if we wanted to.  I don't know I'm probably being dramatic, but when we had our last break he told me he would drive by my house often.  And of course my mind kept asking why didn't you ever come to the door, or write me, or something.  That's just him though.  Anyhow back to the topic at hand.  Intimacy.  Ahh what an illusive concept.  Yet and still I think I'm going to take a moment and write some thoughts defining what it is for me.

When you snore abrasively, I sleep harder
The comfort of your chest will not surrender it's hold
The moment will not allow
For shallowness
So I drown out the sound
You play in my mane
Fingertips dance among young tendrils
I am defenseless
Your hand curves around my lower back
Respectfully resting upon my waist
When you realize you've strayed below
You will your hand to a more congenial post
And we sleep
I rub your stomach which you hate
Exposing all of your insecurities
I know this because I feel the same
When someone rubs mine
Though you and I are merely friends
The closeness I feel when we embrace
Is the purest form of intimacy
Unsoiled by physical conquest
With you I am safe and myself
With you I share myself
With you I know
I am not by myself
In the way that I feel

-for Terrence

Breaking Point

I guess I should categorize this under Life (Myspace reference), cause it's not about Romance but good ol' SEX  But I'll just act like that's part of relationships and keep fronting.  Anyhow.  Once again, I'm trapped within an involuntary drought.  5 months!  At this point, I've been seriously considering getting back in touch with my old jumpoff.  I kind of played him to the left when I was dealing with Benito but now it's like...times are kinda rough.  I have someone else who really wants to help out my situation but I don't want to go there with him, I don't like him enough to even have casual sex, you know that means he's a jerkbody, maybe at some point I'll be able to get past his arrogance (doubt it).  It just sucks though, cause the last time was with Justin, and we had such chemistry, that now I don't even want to if it's gonna be sub-par.  TRAGEDY.  What's a girl to do?  Let me go find Mr. Jumpoff's address...lol.

Lyrics to Go

Lyrics like this make you want to write a great poem:

"Not About Love"
by Fiona Apple

The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the king-craft of a merit-less crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

Flash Focus

I hate the term falling out of love.  To me it's not an actuality.  What I believe really happens is that you slowly begin to forget love.  Just like grieving never ends yet the pain is slowly forgotten.  I miss Benito.  I can't help it, our function was dysfunction but that's the only taste of love and passion I've had thus far.  Yea I've been emotionally scarred by him but I've learned a lot.  Strangely the flashes of memories that come to me are all quite random.  The night he called crying saying he was a fuck up and apologizing about something messed up he'd done, how I was so worried b/c I've never heard him cry, better yet weeping so shamelessly.  How he ended up watching ESPN in my room and I fell asleep in the nook, on his chest.  How I held that happiness inside that night, and wished it could always be that way.  His power over me was so intimidating and daunting at times.  I had to muster up courage to be honest and strength to hold back cruel words.  I had to love.  Now I have to let go, again.  I think about his smirk, and his tone when he was feeling vulnerable, how beautiful he looked after a haircut, in this powder blue t-shirt he wore to sleep.  His walk.  And all the moments when I feared or loathed him have already faded away.  That amazes me, saddens me, suspends me in a false sense of nostalgia which should be utter relief.  But I could never bring myself to focus on his negatives forever.  I honestly hope that one day years from now he'll think of me, and whatever emotions he feels, smile.  I know I'll doing that for the rest of my life ::sigh::