Check It.

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to check certain emotions, actions, and trains of thought.  I haven't been in a substantial relationship for a while (The Benito Show DOES NOT count), so I understand that I am emotionally deprived.  My actions and my moods as of late have been slightly out of character.  I attribute it mostly to feeling frustrated and not seeing any rays of hope.  It's not as if people don't approach me, which is the irony.  I don't have a type but I ALWAYS know what I'm NOT into, unfortunately I'm still a little too nice with letting dudes down, don't want to embarrass them so I might exchange numbers and then never call or answer the phone, which I realize is juvenile and fucked up.  Oh well, they eventually get the message.  And also, older dudes, 40s and up have been showing interest, ehhhh.  I am SO not beat to be dealing with someone my Uncle's age.  I guess 25 really is a turning point, maybe dudes my age are now looking at younger chicks and younger dudes are looking at older chicks so the older dudes are looking at me!!!  Lord help me if that's the case.  Anyhow, I feel stagnant in my life, still having full knowledge that I am the only person that can alleviate that situation.  So meanwhile I am not as cheerful, and I feel less energized, and I am sort of listless and sullen.  It's not a good look.  I am trying to check it.  I scanned through tons of old photo albums on my cpu checking out my progression, even the self photos I take are more serious, unless I'm out at a function.  So I am trying to be introspective and do a preemptive strike so that I won't fall into a rut.  I think I just want something or someone fresh and new to inject some joy into my life and heart.  At the same time that I feel down and out, I know that all of my needs will be met, I just have to be ready to accept the good things in life and see them at face value.  So I'll check my pessimism as well.  It's a process, life.  But I wouldn't change it!

Adverse

SBW seeking love
No clichés or romantic monologues
Must love candid moments
Be honest without being callous
Stare at me with burning desire
Then say something silly to lighten the intensity
Must hate conformity
Yet have a sense of timing
And be willful
And soulful and full
Of life
SBW seeking love
Or best offer.

Flo's in Town

I know it's TMI and an old ass phrase, but I hate it when Flo comes to town.  Particularly b/c she used to visit at the end of the month but now she's managed to show up at the beginning now and I feel like, damn wasn't this chick just here?!  Not like I have a sex life for her to disrupt or anything, just that -  

1.  It's too HOT for this shit

2. I am a little emotional right now and now I think I have to apologize for my actions Friday (I cursed Dontes out a little bit, I felt slightly under appreciated, had a Benito relapse I think, he actually called me w/ base in his voice like, "what's the problem?") 

3. It's inconvenient, at work all paranoid n whatnot (thank God I'm off till Tues).  

Anyhow just wanted to share, I've been holed up in the house on my day off so I think the temperature has dropped just enough for me to show my face.  Thanks Flo, for showing up uninvited, since I was 10, thanks...fucking bitch.

On another still feminine note, I saw S&TC yesterday, dolo, and loved it.  Caught the 4:00 showing @ Essex Green and I was so glad to see that it wasn't too packed, although quite filled with old white couples - well honey I had to snigger at them when those risque sex scenes came on~!  I have to admit though, I always think of Benito as the BIG in my life, to this day.  I even picked him up f/ work that night and I wanted to pour my heart out but I grew a pair and kept my thoughts to myself.  No need starting that shit again.  Steve, I fucking love Steve, and Lenny was my Steve, and I fucked it up.  Samantha, at least she kept it real with herself, she tried though.  The movie was Hollywood and realistic all in one fabulous name brand package.  I enjoyed it and I kind of feel like I had a better time by myself.  That was my first movie experience alone, it's about to become a habit.

I Suck at Life

I wanted to start this off by saying that I suck at life.  But that's not actually the case.  I suck at certain things in life.  Like accepting when people are attracted to me, feeling worthy of male attention, getting past my own emotional roadblocks and letting someone love me.  Yea, I totally blow at that.  A very good friend of mine has been trying to express to me that he wants us to be more than friends.  And what have I done?  Everything BUT go with the flow.  I mean yea I am pretty over-analytical and dense when it comes to emotions, but I am such a spazz when I feel self-conscious, I mean an absolute douche.  So I've tried to write letters, I've sent messages, we've had talks, and every time any of these communicae have ended, I've felt more frustrated, confused and stupid.  I feel like I never say the right thing.  To compare this situation to a chess game, I'm anticipating all the WRONG moves so when I counter, I ended up in checkmate on my own, like WTF?  I am so non-trusting.  I mean this might seem like I'm "should-ing all over myself" but I really feel like I need a do-over for the last, let's say, 2 weeks.  If I thought more of myself I would have followed my heart's instinct which was to just say, yes, let's go, let's try to be together, what's the worst that could happen?  I mean I've been hurt before, I've hurt people, it's a fair playing field.  Instead I'm tip-toeing through a mine field of the bullshit I've spewed out because of fear of REJECTION of all things.  And he said straight out he wanted a relationship.  This is tragic.  I'm not even Greek.