Cold-Blooded

Benito had to turn himself into jail yesterday.  As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I kind of felt relieved.  Yea I know it’s a fucked up emotion but I swear he is so draining.  The years of built up history and the way our friendship teeters on a foundation of resentment is toxic to me.  I stay dropping everything for him, going out of my way, out of my bed, out of my routine, for him.  It was like a snowball.  Since the end of Nov.  when we made up again for his b-day, ever since he’s been gradually asking for more and more from me.  I never say no.  I never state the obvious.  Like I always say, maybe I’m too nice but I’m not fucking dense.  I know he takes advantage of my feelings for him.  I don’t blame him.  I keep myself so available to him.  I don’t know why I feel obligated to do anything but turn the fucking ringer off.  Anyhow, he knew this shit was going to happen.  No of course he doesn’t deserve to be in the clink but he should have handled his business.  Grown ass man still cleaning up young man shit.  I feel like even though we have no romantic relationship we have an indescribable connection that I really cherish.
That said.  I’m tired.  He doesn’t appreciate shit I do.  It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show.  I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him.  He said you do - me.  I wanted to laugh @ this nigga.  He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do.  I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit.  Anyhow.  Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back.  Who is his plan B?  I can’t keep carrying him, WTF?  It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job.  Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas.  It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs."  He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life.  Never about me.  Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company.  I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity.  B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER.  That pissed me off.  That’s how I know I need to fall back.

My Mom the Go-Getter

Personality wise - I’m just like my father, he was pretty basic in his needs and he liked familiarity and I don’t really like going out on a limb if it isn’t necessary.  I guess I am conservative about taking risks in life - especially business and finance.  It makes me nervous to think of undertaking something like a business, even help someone else upstart theirs.  My mother is the complete opposite, she’s always thinking of the next venture, she owns plenty of "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" type books.  Me, I’m an Aquarius, very idealistic, and I really don’t value money the way most people do.  My mom (also an Aquarius) once told me, money is meant to be spent and if you hold it tight in your hands, how can you have an open hand to receive any?  Makes sense to me.  So when I have money it’s cool and when I don’t, I stay my ass home, not that deep.  Anyway on to the meat of this blog - my mom the go-getter.
    She owns a corner store not too far from our house.  She didn’t consult with me about it just told me after the fact.  The first time I went to see it in Sept.  I didn’t like it, it was dark and crowded and corner store-ish.  I went today because she swears I don’t have an interest in the store.  It’s not that, it’s I just have no idea what’s going on with it.  And b/c of that I feel excluded and just assume she’ll tell me when she’s good and ready.  Anyhow it was a completely different space, open and bright and inviting.  And I felt proud of her.  I wish I could be entrepreneurial like her but I just don’t have it in me.  I’ll definitely support her though, and hopefully that spirit of enterprise will show up in my children when I have a family .  Anyhow I guess this is just about how amazing my mom is, and how much I love her (oh gawd so sappy).

Concert 2

So last night’s concert I wasn’t as geeked about b/c I was going to see Peter Hadar who was only opening.  Amanda Diva was headlining (never heard of her ass), Talib Kweli hosting and Q-tip featuring.  I got there late cause I took a nap at like 6pm to wake up at 7 but woke up at 7:30 instead.  Anyhow got to the city it was like 9 I found a good spot to stand in front of the bar at SOB’s by the steps that the artists go down.  I ended up being there dolo (Katie no other concert partner will do, and you know why...just got a text this afternoon, psh - KNOCKOFF).  No one was on the stage for a good hour.  Then Peter Hadar comes up to me and recognized me immediately.  I gave him a hug he said he performed mad early and I told him I was going to buy his CD.  He was very nice, I really appreciate that.  THEN.  Talib Kweli came up the steps and stood directly next to me, so close that I hid my cellphone cause I was getting on myspace and for some reason didn’t want him to see me doing that!  THEN Q-tip ended up standing right next to me w/ his black bubble coat, smelling heavenly.  Unlike the husky chick on my left who was NOT SURE.  Anyhow Amanda Diva is a cute girl, but her rapping is pretty elementary, she can sing though, and she has personality and is quite funny.  I enjoyed her covering other people’s songs and just rocking to the DJ more than her actual joints  Overall a very cool night, being amidst celebrity in such a relaxed scenario, made me further know that they are just like you and me.  Can’t wait for MOS!  That, I am geeked about!

March Madness!

This month is just about to JUMP OFF!
March 8 - Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
March 12 - Peter Hadar w/ Talib Kweli & Q-tip @ SOB's
March 30 - MOS DEF! @ The Nokia Theatre - C'mon!

Takes me back to August, that was the last live month I've had as far as concerts.  Also, I need a job, what's new right?  Yea I know.  I got some reasonable car insurance!  Progressive.  No not those jokers who suddenly asked me how I knew Benito.  Sheesh.  I'm also trying to take a trip down to MD to see an old friend, his name is Paul.  We got back in touch thanks to the wonders of Myspace.  I searched for his page but when I found it, looked like he had abandoned it for years.  So I sent him a message just in case in Dec.  He just called me last week.  That's my ace.  It's always nice to reconnect with someone you really cared about.  So I'm thinking about renting a car since I'm 25 now and the rates are cheaper.  Yes I think I shall.  Also, even though he doesn't ask me very often, I've been taking Benito to work more often than I'd like to.  See this is the problem when you have no real obligations, people think it's ok to ask you to do things out of the blue.  Not so, not ok.  He and I went to IHOP last week and he was talking to me about other women and how they always think it's more than it is.  And I said to him "you don't have to worry about me", he got a little tight wondering why I put myself in the same column as them.  But he said he knew a relationship wouldn't work the day he went fucking AWOL and I called my girl to come get me.  Umm, ok.  Not a good reason.  Then he said, and you have sex w/ other guys (we haven't had sex in 3 years, WTH does that have to do w/ anything?).  I was like yea God forbid.  Anyhow I realized as I continually realize that he just doesn't make any sense.  And that my pursuit of him makes me seem desperate and ridiculously masochistic.  Such is my lot in life thus far though.  Speaking of having sex with other guys, Robert that I met on New Year's, we did the horizontal tango.  I hate when guys ask me how it was after.  Especially when it sucked ass.  So I told him, it was aiight.  You're 25 and still rabbit-fucking?!  I was getting aggravated, and he took too long.  I don't like sex all day and night.  What's worse is, I KNEW it was gonna be wack.  You know when you get a preview when ya'll are messing around? - I wasn't impressed.  Ahh well.  He was pressed talking about when are you gonna stop teasing me.  I thought well maybe he'll surprise me.  Now he'll never get another whiff.  I don't do repeats of wackness.  No sir.  Not a good year so far in the intimacy dept.  I think I'm gonna take another long hiatus.  I miss Justin.  That was the Greatest Sex ©R. Kelly.