Cat Nip

Holla!  I have a new cat!  I mean she's no kitten, she's 3, all white, one yellow eye, one blue, and her name is Annabelle.  I like her, she's very comfortable with people and when you put your hand out in front of her she charges at it like a bull, but in an affectionate way, I was so startled and amused when she first did it.  Never had a cat before, but they're definitely less maintenance than a dog.  I still miss Princess but maybe Annabelle can help me move on.  I do know that I will have pets when I'm out on my own because they do fill emotional voids, and quickly.

Back to the Future II

This night, no need for the formality of black
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind

-Pascalle Arnold (December 7, 2006)
 
I wrote this poem the night that Benito and I had our very last falling out.  After that episode I was convinced that he would be out of my life forever.  It was a mixture of relief and utter devastation.  But more relief.  For a couple months I didn't talk to any guys, then @ the end of Feb. I met Justin and he kept me occupied till June.  As soon as the weather got nice, he was harder and harder to get up with (men and seasons, I mean really).  So then I moved on from him partially and started getting to know Terrence.  Then this past Sunday night, I was at home watching HGTV as usual, and I get a phone call, a number that looked somewhat familiar but I had just given someone my number at work so I figured that's who it was.  When he said, "This is Benito," I all of the sudden felt like I was having an outer body experience or was in a dream state.  It was just really difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had called me.  He went on to say that he wanted to be friends and that he was going through a lot in his life and he really needed someone to be there for him.  I was shocked at how quickly I fell into Benito mode and rushed to his side, I had no anger in my heart about the past.  I was really just happy to be emotionally validated when he apologized for all of his hurtful words and actions in the recent past, he admitted he had been very jealous of Andre and thought "he was going to take my spot, which I hadn't even taken yet."  He called his behavior childish and I felt vindicated.  Anyhow, going into one week of him back in my life I'm just wondering if this is a good choice for me.  I consulted with my friend Nia and she said just don't put his needs over yourself this time.  I hope that I can.  Everyone has a kryptonite.  I just don't know if trying to be there for him as friends is even something I can achieve without falling into my resentful state of platonic despair.  We shall see people.  Life is so funny, in a sad way.

The Illusionist

When you miss an illusion
Reminisce over smoke and mirrors
Emotionally invest in a mirage
Your longing becomes convoluted
Sincerity is a foreign entity
Uncomfortably ushered into the shadows
As uncertain thoughts magically appear
You relive the act in desperation
Attempting to discern the concrete
Actions from the constructed show
Searching through nostalgia
Only to discover an empty stage
Cast in the dark shadow of deceit

Vulnerable

I woke up late today, around 1PM, and didn't leave the house till 4.  I hooked up with Terrence and we went to K&G.  Then I decided to go to Jean's (a Jamaican restaurant) to get something to eat.  It was hot in there, and I hadn't eaten anything all day.  I started to feel dizzy and  the next thing I know, I'm getting picked up from the floor of the restaurant and placed in a chair.  I actually passed out.  I can't believe it.  I have a huge knot on my head and I'm completely embarrassed.  It's the kind of thing that makes you feel weak and helpless and utterly vulnerable because I can't even remember falling.  Terrence was so sweet he tried to feed me and all the people in the restaurant were so concerned, which made it worse.  Terrence drove me home w/ his brother following in his car and I slept for the rest of the day.  My head hurts, my right side hurts, and I'm a bit frazzled.  No one likes to feel so vulnerable, ya know?

Talk about it

It's never easy to be open with someone and to reveal all of your secrets, but when you do, that is when you are truly free to be yourself, without having to chart your next step.  It's a good feeling to know that regardless of your revelations people still want to get to know you, and that you are worth the investment.  It's encouraging and demands increased honesty across the board.  You have to talk about it, get it out, and let it go.  Such is life people!  Be real about your issues and you'll be surprised who's still around when the smoke clears...

Can You Hear Me Now?

Men have issues with staying in touch.  I remember when I was dealing with Benito's ass he would only hit me up when he wanted something, and flip if I got out of pocket and tried to call him for no reason.  And with Justin it's like pulling teeth and he doesn't even think anything's wrong with not calling, texting is wack and it doesn't count.  Now I'm looking @ Terrence with a raised brow cause I haven't heard from him all day.  He called @ 11 this morning but I was asleep, now that I've been tryna call him back, nothing.  What is the fucking problem, and you say women are emotional for no reason, but it's because men are fucking bums.

Better Man

I want to be the person that makes a man feel this way one day. Bytheway, Musiq is such a blessing, he's talented, consistent, and gives everyone that soul music we all need.

MUSIQ SOULCHILD
"Betterman"

[Verse 1:]
I got a real good woman now
Someone between a lover and a friend
It feels good when she's around
And she's so far from all the others that I've been with

[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause I thought I knew what love was but it wasn't until she came and changed my life
And now I realize that

[Chorus:]
All the love in this world, I wanna give to this girl because she makes me wanna be a better man
And all the games I've played are in the past
Because I know this one's gonna last
It's crazy how she makes me wanna be a better man for her

[Verse 2:]
When I look into her eyes I see
So much in her that reminds me of myself in awe
She's so beautiful body soul and mind and I
Just wanna be the one to make her feel good in a special way

[Pre-Chorus:]
I'm a hug and kiss her and tell her how much I miss her when she's gone
Because I know that I wll never find another one like her and

[Chorus:]
All the love in this world, I wanna give to this girl because she makes me wanna be a better man
And all the games I've played are in the past
Because I know this one's gonna last
It's crazy how she makes me wanna be a better man for her

[Bridge:]
When it's said and done you wanna
Be with someone who's gonna
Be there for you when all your chips are down
and no one's around and when
No matter how hard it gets she will always be by your side
To comfort you like only a woman does and that's why

[Chorus: repeats and fades]

Babe when I'm with you it, makes me wanna be a better man
Every day and night it's true, you make me wanna be a better man
Hangin out with you just makes me wanna be a better man and,
Laying up with you really makes me wanna be a better man...

Crossroads

So I now know that Justin and I were riding off the fumes of our physical chemistry because he still doesn't understand the importance of reaching out to me and actually communicating.  The honeymoon is over.  And now enters a new face, a beacon of light and newness, my new friend Terrence.  He's so into me already, not in a suffocating, Urkel and Lisa kind of way, but in an eager, complimentary manner.  We haven't kissed or anything, have already gone out to eat twice, done the movies, and kicked it at each others houses.  AND he introduced me to his family the second time we chilled.  I have yet to meet anyone at all in Justin's life other than two cousins, which to me is oh so wack.  So if Justin ever sees the light it will probably be too late.  I'll miss him and some of his more charming characteristics, but overall, I'll get over it.  I need someone who is trying to get to know me, and who respects me all the way, who wants me to know that I'm special, and actually shares their emotions without hesitation.  I need to move on.