This night, no need for the formality of black
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind
-Pascalle Arnold (December 7, 2006)
I wrote this poem the night that Benito and I had our very last falling out. After that episode I was convinced that he would be out of my life forever. It was a mixture of relief and utter devastation. But more relief. For a couple months I didn't talk to any guys, then @ the end of Feb. I met Justin and he kept me occupied till June. As soon as the weather got nice, he was harder and harder to get up with (men and seasons, I mean really). So then I moved on from him partially and started getting to know Terrence. Then this past Sunday night, I was at home watching HGTV as usual, and I get a phone call, a number that looked somewhat familiar but I had just given someone my number at work so I figured that's who it was. When he said, "This is Benito," I all of the sudden felt like I was having an outer body experience or was in a dream state. It was just really difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had called me. He went on to say that he wanted to be friends and that he was going through a lot in his life and he really needed someone to be there for him. I was shocked at how quickly I fell into Benito mode and rushed to his side, I had no anger in my heart about the past. I was really just happy to be emotionally validated when he apologized for all of his hurtful words and actions in the recent past, he admitted he had been very jealous of Andre and thought "he was going to take my spot, which I hadn't even taken yet." He called his behavior childish and I felt vindicated. Anyhow, going into one week of him back in my life I'm just wondering if this is a good choice for me. I consulted with my friend Nia and she said just don't put his needs over yourself this time. I hope that I can. Everyone has a kryptonite. I just don't know if trying to be there for him as friends is even something I can achieve without falling into my resentful state of platonic despair. We shall see people. Life is so funny, in a sad way.
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind
-Pascalle Arnold (December 7, 2006)
I wrote this poem the night that Benito and I had our very last falling out. After that episode I was convinced that he would be out of my life forever. It was a mixture of relief and utter devastation. But more relief. For a couple months I didn't talk to any guys, then @ the end of Feb. I met Justin and he kept me occupied till June. As soon as the weather got nice, he was harder and harder to get up with (men and seasons, I mean really). So then I moved on from him partially and started getting to know Terrence. Then this past Sunday night, I was at home watching HGTV as usual, and I get a phone call, a number that looked somewhat familiar but I had just given someone my number at work so I figured that's who it was. When he said, "This is Benito," I all of the sudden felt like I was having an outer body experience or was in a dream state. It was just really difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had called me. He went on to say that he wanted to be friends and that he was going through a lot in his life and he really needed someone to be there for him. I was shocked at how quickly I fell into Benito mode and rushed to his side, I had no anger in my heart about the past. I was really just happy to be emotionally validated when he apologized for all of his hurtful words and actions in the recent past, he admitted he had been very jealous of Andre and thought "he was going to take my spot, which I hadn't even taken yet." He called his behavior childish and I felt vindicated. Anyhow, going into one week of him back in my life I'm just wondering if this is a good choice for me. I consulted with my friend Nia and she said just don't put his needs over yourself this time. I hope that I can. Everyone has a kryptonite. I just don't know if trying to be there for him as friends is even something I can achieve without falling into my resentful state of platonic despair. We shall see people. Life is so funny, in a sad way.
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