Crocodile Tears

Man, I cried today. I cried this morning before work, I cried @ the gas station when my bumper came off, I cried when my mom came and we talked, I cried from being ashamed of crying. I feel like a little kid when I cry, and these tears were quiet tears, that skate down your face without any effort on your part. I guess I'm a little overwhelmed as far as my finances and my plan for my life. It's a natural thing but it's still difficult to stay on top of things. I'm beginning to be worn down by having a job that has nothing to do with the career I'm pursuing. Retail is hell. Period end of story, thank you and have a nice day. Retail during the holidays, is a slow painful torture that tests your resolve and character on a daily basis...people IT'S JUST CLOTHES! I mean you would think people were applying for home loans when they come to the register. Honestly, if you're in an emotional or aggravated state, don't shop. I never did like shopping, now I'm developed and intense loathing for it. I haven't even shopped since I started @ K&G in August, and I've lost a lot of weight, but I just can't be a customer right now.

Stress to Rest

Man. Life is so real. Tomorrow is like the climax to some emotional orgasm I've been having. I've been working a lot now that it's holiday season, and really, to be paid so very little...retail sure demands a lot of it's employees.

Uptown Saturday - Not.

Mayn, ain't this bout some bullshit? I'm sittin home, fully dressed, and have already been stood up. So I called to let dude know that I made other plans. He's trippin. Then, my other plans are M.I.A, and I don't wanna chill with plans C through E, so I might as well stay my ass home. I can't believe it, I finally have a day off, b/c I had to work till closing today as well, and I have nothing to do with no one. Wow, this is classic. I bet you them niggaz is gonna be hitting me up tomorrow. F*ck em, Imma take my azz to church or something, and I ain't gonna be available for NO MAN tomorrow, they never seem to be available for me, dammit. This madness must stop! I have to get my pimp-hand strong again. How did it come to this, watching HBO at 12:30 and resigning myself to this as my plans for the night? TRAGEDY! I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm not even sleepy. This ish is kind of depressing. I think I'm going to take it down just so that I won't feel so frustrated. Once again. TRAGEDY.

Ha! Rodney just called me talking bout, you told my boy you made other plans?!? I was like you're damn skippy, you act like I enjoy sitting around waiting for you to get good and ready to call me. Now I feel like I'm hassling him on some girlfriend ish. What the heck is goin on this week?! Dudes have been showing their azzes I tell ya. I'm bout to just be abstinent again and cleanse myself of all this foolishness. Friggin men, (no offense J) are such a waste of energy sometimes. My song for the night would have to be Jill Scott "Slowly Surely"..."Slowly, surely, I walk away from, self-serving, un-deserving, constantly hur-ting me love, I - just don't know, where I - should go, so..." I'll let you know how my Uptown Saturday-NOT concludes next post.

WORK IT OUT

Well, once again I'm slippin, it's been damn near 3 weeks this time, I remember when I was younger I stayed with a journal, what happened? Well let me just bring ya up to date; I'm currently talkin to about 2.5 guys, at one point it was 6, but that's a hard number to keep up with, so I've had to show my azz to some of them just so that they could fall back a little bit. Benito, of course, is lucky number one, but we haven't had a sexual relationship in well over a year. Then there's Khalif, who is the reason Benito made our relationship platonic, apparently he was hurt when I told him me and Khalif were doin the do...oh well he could have fooled me by the way he treated me.
Now, the newer guys are Eric, Craig, Marcus, Rodney, and Shadir. It might seem like a lot but none of them are substantial and only a few were or are sexual so really - what do I have to show for it? As the old addage states, pimpin' ain't easy, but it isn't even fun when you have no one to end the day with on some chill stuff, you know?
So I cut my roster down a bit - Eric, I honestly believe dude is "How you doin", so after his b-day party and he paid me back some $ I lent him, I haven't called his ass since. Now Craig is cool, he's my maintenance man, he has his own place so whenever I need to just be away from people I see him. Marcus is my actual electrician, how ironic, but I brought him to my mother so it wasn't like I was flirting with him while he was fixing the base heaters or something. Rodney was on it hardddd. He was tryna wife me up but he was irritating me, always asking if I like him, why we haven't had sex yet, yada yada, so I stunted on him a couple times now he says he's dissapointed and doesn't even call as much, I felt bad but honestly I didn't see myself being faithful to him anyway. Now Shadir I met @ The Millions More March in DC, he's kinda old though...aight aight, he's 34, but man he's a cool kat, he lives in Paterson, doesn't have a car or celly and has 2 kids (divorced though, I'm not trifling), one is 13! But he's still good people's so I won't let those things ruin our friendship, and anyway, there's a lot I can learn from him, so I'll see what's up.
This week though, it's been all about work. I've worked for the past 6 days straight and I'm not off until effin Sat. This woman @ my job was terminated for stealin' $40 so now we have to pick up her slack. I ain't really mad cause my check is gonna be rockin! My social life has definitely slowed down, I need to just find me a tenderoni and hibernate for the winter...yea that sounds like a plan, ayo Jessie, what's good with your cousin Jason, he single?!? Lol, the song for tonight is Jill Scott "Spring Summer Feeling", "La la la la , it takes more than diamonds to woo me, la la la la la la, it takes more than money to move me, la la la la la la, it takes more than, oooo, ma-te-ri-al things-ah..."

Rodney

I gotta say it was a good day...I went to a B-day party in NYC last night which was way off from my expectations, so being that me and my entourage of 3 people were dressed to the 9s, we decided to go, of all places, to the diner, Around the Clock diner to be exact, on the eastside near Webster Hall, but that was where we had the most fun, and rehashed on how corny the party was, so it was all G. Rodney drove from Queens with his boy to chill with us so he finally met my girl Xic, and my brother Jesse, and they both approve, which means a lot.

Benito.

Mayn...I'm slippin', these past two weeks flew by, I mean there was definitely stress and drama and chilling and laughter, but yet and still somehow I couldn't make the time to post :o( So I'm just going to jump back in like double dutch and start with what went down tonight, I chilled with my brother Brad last night till effin' 5 in the morning talking and bullshitting, then we woke up at 9:30 AM to hit Jersey Gardens Mall because we have a function we have to hit up Sat. night, I bought my dress and then put my shoes and purse on layaway because I wasn't going to stress the fact the my effin bank card declined (turns out one of my many creditors debited $35 without consulting me, I have reason to believe it's Verizon DSL...the very reason I'm able to blog @ all, so Imma let that slide!
After the mall I changed for work, fixed up a load of laundry, swung it to my Uncle's house and slid to work for 5...got out bout 9:15 and took home a co-worker. I saw that Benito had called me around 7:30, but I was actually surprised because I'd thought that he was upset about some BS from earlier in the week. Needless to say the issue was resolved quick fast and we ended up linkin up bout 9:45...I just got home bout 20 minutes ago. All we did was chill and talk and ride around in the rain and b-s...good times. I realized why he's the only man I've ever loved so hard for so long with nothing to show for it. I mean my love for him does things to me, makes me feel some type of way, I guess because it's never been reciprocated in the way that I truely want it to be...and even though I always catch instances of him showing me affection, it's never enough. I've known him for going on 8 years, we kind of need each other because we remind ourselves of who we used to be, and it's like hanging out with a living document of your old self...
Will it ever progress and grow into something substantial? I doubt it. Believe me, I know that I would be more than content with being his wife and mother of his children, but some dreams are only tangible in slumber. On the other hand who knows, maybe he has some tricks up his sleeve that I have yet to uncover, it's like emotional chess, and I just want to get him in check. The song for the night would have to be Mario's Just a Friend 2000 - "Oh baby you, got what I need, but you say I'm just a friend, but you say I'm just a friend, but I can be your, fantasy, but you say I'm just a friend..." Nito is one of the few permanents in my life, so you'll be hearing more about him in future posts...till then, wishing you champagne wishes and caviar dreams...easy.

Brotherly Love

Yea man, another great weekend in the bag, Sunday I spent the entire day in the house being available to Marcus as he hooked up our baseboard heaters and fixed other electrical issues throughout the house. That evening my co-worker Nasima called to remind me about a get together @ Bradford Brown's penthouse - art gallery in East Orange. It began @ 3 pm but fortunately I got there right when he revealed his newest piece, which is a tribute to brother's loving one another and the symbolism of giving each other pounds, the balance of masculinity and femininity, etc. The penthouse has a striking view of the NY skyline and every wall has as many original paintings as possible tastefully displayed. The event was an effort to raise goods for the survivors of Hurricane Katrina and there were also performers and food. People read poetry, danced, sang, there were African drummers, the ambiance was beautiful, and basically everyone there had natural hair or dreads, I was thinkin to myself, I would have been all in this about 3 years ago when I went natural...
Nevertheless I really enjoyed myself, Bradford was a real down to earth, cool brother, and his wife frequents my store on the regular, always thinking of new ways to sneak things into the house :o) Coincidentally she also goes to my gym, and it turns out that I have lost 14 lbs since I rejoined in July...so my goal of a tankini or maybe even two-piece in Miami is slowly coming into fruition. I recognized one of the poets that performed because he'd read @ Cecil's Jazz Club in West Orange. Turns out he's having an open mic on the 16th and my brother Brad said he wouldn't even come if I didn't read a poem, so I guess it's time to make it do what it do!
Overall though, I was just intoxicated but the energy and positivity in the penthouse, it was one of those vibes you wish you could bottle up and sell, or infect everyone in the world with, something I sometimes lose touch with while getting caught up in the day to day of life...so my song for tonite would have to be "Soul Star" by Musiq Soulchild "Soul star, oh you've come, so far, from where you started, don't be afraid, to let your light, shine on the world..." I'll holla...

Unfinished Blog

This was an excellent week, work was easy to get through, and my night life has really been full and exciting...last night Rodney came to Jersey to chill and we got some Jamaican food (of course) and went back to my crib to chill and watch a movie...we ended up falling asleep and then he chilled with my sister and I the next day. While she ran some errands, Rodney, my godson Joseph and I went to IHOP and for a second I thought to myself, this is what it's like to have family...well atleast this is what it looks like. Rodney left for Queens around 7pm. The next day Marcus came from Brooklyn @ around 11am.

Panamaican

How tired am I? Pretty damn tired, but so very happy that I spent the whole night away from Jersey. I went out to Jamaica, Queens to chill with my newest friend Rodney last night, met him @ Taste, he's one of Till's brothers. Anyhow, I didn't have to drive the entire time I was there because he has his own car and didn't have to fake for my wallet because he paid for everything, even bought me a DVD! Now this might seem like small potatoes but compared to the tragic negroes I've been dealing with on the other side of the Hudson, he's a breath of fresh air. He's coming to chill with me @ my crib today and I'm excited, talk about a brother smelling G O O D...also he's very motivated, talented and diverse, he's Panamanian and Jamaican, and just a winner all around, hopefully I don't fuck it all up to be dammed, we'll have to see though, since my roster for the season is filling up pretty quickly....yea, I have to be @ work in 4 hours but I think I'll be ok considering after I napped through "Alfie" and some of "Alli G in Da House."
I was mad azz hell driving home, the effin Goethels Bridge didn't open till 5 and I was headed towards it @ 4:40, so I had to BS for 20 min cause I didn't want to get lost in Long Island, but really, who does? My gas tank is basically empty and my direct deposit doesn't go into effect until friday...so today is going to be a broke azz day, but a wonderful one nonetheless. I'd have to say the song for last night is "Come Get It" by Yummy Bingham..."Boy do you know, what you're really asking me for, if you don't then you need to make sure - you really know what you want, cause I got something for ya." Anyhow I think my mind is shutting down on me so I'll do another post later today...in summary though, I'm really feelin Rodney's vibe, and I love getting to chill in NY with a native, so it's all good, let's wait and see what happens with Mr. Panamaican...

Tasty!

Aw man, what a night! I have to be @ work in 5 hours so I'm going to try to get to the meat of the happenings and perhaps elaborate the what's and whys @ another time. After I got off of work @ 9:30 I dropped two of my co-workers home and headed home to change to go to Taste Lounge, my sister and I have been hittin it up basically every week this month...our boy Till is the DJ on Tues. and if you love to dance and be in a laid back club environment, it's good times.
But, after the club it's the after party, and, in this case it was chillen with my boy Khalif and his cousin for a hot second in Newark - mind you, my sister has never met him before but he's been in my life for the past year, so it was kind of unfortunate that they mixed about as well as oil and vinegar...he had his cousin for Stacey, and she was NOT beat! LOL...so we dipped from them and proceeded to Don's Diner to chill with Till and his crew for a clip...that was good times b/c his brother and boy Chris ended up chilling with us after Till bounced and we all bugged out for a good hour b4 I took my sister home and slid back around Khalif's way...needless to say it's well after 4am by now and all both of us wanted to do was hit the hay so I took him to BK so he could snatch some grub and then I took him home...my next post will go into depth about why it's such a big deal I even chilled with Khalif @ all tonight...but for now I'll just dedicate Neo's song "Stay With Me", namely..."I just can't help myself, I just can't help myself, I don't need nothing else, all I need is you, I want you to - stay with me..."
One of the good things about tonight is that I realized that my sister is not only the closest thing I have to a blood sister but she's also one of my best friends...after almost 10 years, she'd better be! Till's brother was like "But you don't have curly hair and she does, and she looks hispanic and you don't - we didn't take the time to tell him we adopted eachother way back in the day...we just busted out laughing...that's why I love her...anyhow...I don't want to have bags and a bad hair day, so I'm going to get what little rest I can and bask in the afterglow of a wonderful night that was not only sweet but quite TASTY.

We Major!

Today was one of those Mondays that masquerades as the weekend until someone asks you what day it is and you realize...I woke up considerably early, bout 10:30 am ;o) ...and b-sed, then burned my newest CD for the Acky...I dubbed it Classic, cause most of the songs were from Kanye's "Late Registration" and Foxy's never released "Fever." After getting dressed and doing my hair and everything so that I could be on time for work, I went to lunch with my sister and godson @ TGIFridays...kids eat free on Mon! Who knew? Anyhow, tragedy of all tragedies, they've completely removed Pot Stickers from their menu...imagine our shock and dismay! We soldiered on, I ordered a Cobb Salad and she got some ish that sizzled so much she sent it back to cool out, lol...then I dropped them home and went to work @ 5, the first 3 hours flew by, then I took my 15, and then when I came back we started closing, when I came home I surfed the net and came to realize why the woman on my TCB box looked so damn familiar...it's friggin Sara Pickett, I went to middle school with her...what a world...anyhow, after that revelation, I permed my hair and took a shower and now I'm here typing my first blog post, in my towel, lol...

My theme song for this week is "We Major" by Kanye feat. Nas and Tony something or other...it's one of those songs that - gets your mind frame right...which is how I feel right now, like everything is falling into place...I'll be attending Essex County in the spring and finally fulfilling my college aspirations, after a 2 year hiatus, and I just know that this time I'm going to get to the finish line...so as I sign off I say..."We major? C'mon homey, we major! We major! C'mon homey, we major. WE MAJOR!"