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So my theory is, just as when you learn something new you form a new connection in your brain, when you get closer to someone you make a new connection, each one drawing you closer and closer until you become inseparable. I had a good day today, but it's not about how my day was, it's about how my night was! Day: Worked from 10-4, came home/chilled, hit the gym @ 5:30, came home/chilled, hopped in the shower @ 9:30, then headed out to pick up "Mr. Big." Man the first thing he says is he lost his phone somewhere between running for the bus and hopping out a cab. Not good. When he's upset, everyone's upset, if something's bothering him, you have to hear about it all night as he goes over every detail. So I was praying that he'd find it or that whoever did would return it. Long story short, it turns out he dropped it in his friend's car and whew, how do you spell relief. So then his mood takes an upswing, we slide to the chicken shack cause I had the midnight snack urge, and I take him home. One thing I love about our relationship is the fact that every single time I drop him home we talk for atleast 10 minutes trying to say goodnight. It's like we can't wrap it up, and it's usually late so we're both silly azz hell and it's always funny. Tonight was no different, but I think he appreciated the fact that I helped him improve his mood and he gave me a kiss. A nice, genuine kiss, and that was the kind of connection I was talking about! 
(Thought I wasn't gonna bring it back to the topic didn't you?).
I just got in from having a long talk with "Mr. Big." It was a tug of war with emotions and word choice. It was sprinkled with normalcy but teetered on the edge of explosion once or twice. The same issues recycled and some underlying ones surfaced and long held truths were voiced. But it ended on a good note. Which is all that matters, because that gets you to the next day and that is how life is lived, day by day. I think it frustrates him that I need reassurance about the state of things when we're clearly always together and have a good relationship. But my insecurities linger and he's so reluctant to relieve my paranoia so it results in long talks like tonight. Not gonna get all detailed but I will footnote this blog by sharing the poem that I shared with him at the end of our convo that I wrote while I was at work tonight. It had a title but the poem doesn't match it so it's untitled:
As we fall into the groove
Carved out by the footprints of our repetition
I begin to relax into the dip of this
Reclining in the comfort of predictability
I am cocooned in familiarity
Knowing you with an intimacy reserved for the family we choose in adulthood.
Short but sweet, kinda like him.
Nite, nite.
Firstly I want to thank Blairbear, Xic and Tyness for keeping the comments commin'. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
Sooooo, first subject - Yesterday when I picked "Mr. Big" up from work we drove for a couple blocks and he comes out his mouth and says "gimme a kiss." So I do, but it was so not romantic. So when I drop him home I get out to give him a hug and he says something like "which one is it going to be, a hug or a kiss?" So I go for the hug and he hugs me all fast and hard and I'm like "what was that" and he goes "I didn't really feel like hugging." So why have it as an option then? And why the hell are there OPTIONS!?!
So then I cup his chin to give him a kiss instead and he almost pulled away, so I just shook my head and that was that. It's like, what the hell is the problem? You opened up Pandora's Box o' affection, and now you're uncomfortable, what the hell? Why even go through the motions if it's just going to be wack and lame? So I had the opportunity to bring it up today when I took him to work but I didn't so...maybe I'll have the cojones to breech the topic when I pick him up in a couple hours.
Second topic - last night while I was trying to blog about exactly what I just told you, my computer started to freeze up and for some reason I put my computer in hibernate, and when it didn't recall after I rebooted, I couldn't escape because it shut down my wireless keyboard. But I didn't know this until after I called Geek Squad, so I slaved trying to remedy it all this morning then gave up. When I got back home I decided to try out Geek Squad since I'd seen the commercials so much, they charged me $99 but it was well worth it after I went to this site called logmein123 and the tech guy actually logged in to my cpu! i just sat there as he moved the cursor around, deleting files and trying to clean up my computer, it was the coolest thing ever!
AND you get to call them for 5 days so I'm going to call every day to see if I can get all of this ad and spy-ware off my computer. That's all for now...
Yesterday "Mr. Big" and I spent the day together, but he was in a shitty mood all day until we went to TGIFriday's and he finally expressed his emotions, he shared a lot of deep and personal things with me, but it was so depressing that I started to feel sad and we were supposed to have fun. When we stopped by my house so that I could change for work, I got so frustrated that I just blurted out "we're never going to be together." He was thrown aback and defensive saying that the reason he's not affectionate is because it would give the wrong message and sex complicates things (as if we haven't had sex before!
) and that if we get married he wants us to really know each other so that it will last. All of which gives me no solace right now, he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to keep my feelings platonic when I want to show my affection every time we're together. And to add confusion to this madness, this morning before I went to work he got in the car and said "I've been thinking about something and I think it's going to shock you." So we drive to Quick Chek and when we get out of the car he says come here, and KISSES me
. So now my head is spinning, I don't know whether that was him opening the gateway for affection or a one time thing. Inside he says, "I was thinking about it and, what's a hug?" Which is nice and everything but if nothing else it made things more awkward. So when I get off of work he comes over to watch a movie rental with me, @ first we're both sitting up in the bed and the next thing I know he's sitting in my office chair like as far away as possible. I thought he was sleeping throughout the entire movie, it was so wack. Then when I'm taking him home I just start getting so depressed. I can't keep playing these games. I really can't. I deserve so much more than a random kiss in a parking lot. I'm going to sleep on it though, cause it hurts too much to keep talking about.
"Mr. Big" felt me up tonight. No really, it was great. We're spending the day together tomorrow, so I'm gonna keep this blog short, gotta get my beauty sleep. I really love him, I can't help it. He makes me feel like no one else ever has, like myself. And I know that he wouldn't want me to be any other way. Anyhow, went to the gym for the 3rd day in a row today, so I'm rolling again. Also, I'm soooooo tired of paying that surcharge for having more than 6 points. This last ticket I got was some bullshit, and aside from paying the $95 ticket, I have to pay another $50 on top of the surcharge I was already paying. New Jersey sucks. I also scratched the ish out of the side of my car trying to park in my own driveway, talk about embarrassing, I've been driving for years now, and I'm still doing student driver ish. Ah well, as long as the Ac is running, I could really care less. Well, that's about all for the goings on in my life, but to refer back to the title, I love spending time with "Mr. Big," so I know tomorrow will be fun. I'll give you the scoop tomorrow night! 
I went to the gym today! WoOooOooo!
Turns out my membership expired yesterday, so now I'm faced with the choice of renewing for 3 months, or for the entire year. I think I should go for the 3 months and see if I keep with it before I go into such a long contract again. The workout was tiring but after a couple weeks, it should be no sweat. Even though it was raining and thundering, I still jump started my routine so hopefully I'm on my way to achieving my goal. Well, one road block down, what else can I conquer today ::surveying the area:: On another note, tonight is the premiere of Project Runway Season 3, don't sleep people, that show is FIYA! I'm watching Tyra and she has the man who heads the Girls Gone Wild empire, he's such a pompous asshole. Dude, you're a billionaire and you're acting all defensive about your shit, like you're some kind of psychology expert. He acts like he isn't exploiting these young girls. Tragedy.
Well, unfortunately, my 2 days off is over tomorrow ...back on the work grind, hoping that I can balance work and the gym, that seems to have been my problem in the past. Right now though, I'm gonna go chill and luxuriate in my burgeoning fitness...smooches!
Ain't this bout a snitch!? I just paid up my gym membership and I don't even feel like going today. But I need to, I have my high school 5-year in Oct. and I would like to lose at least 20 lbs. I lost 20 already last time I was dedicated to the gym routine, so it can in fact be done. Well, it closes @ 8 so if I get off my lazy ass, I can still make it and not feel like such a sloth. At least I'm off tomorrow too, so if I drop the ball I can always redeem myself then. At least I'm more comfortable in my own skin, yea I have a tummy, but it's not that bad, I feel good, and I'm pretty healthy, so there's nowhere to go but up! I'll let you know if I took the road less traveled or laid in bed.
Yesterday before I went to work I swung by his house so that we could have the dreaded "talk." Man, I don't even know what I was tripping about, it was all good in the hood
. To sum it up he was saying that he's still finalizing what it is that he's looking for in a woman and the fact that I'm attractive and listen are huge in his book. He was saying that he's his worst critic and that he isn't where he wants to be in his life to feel comfortable having a woman, especially since he has to be the man in the relationship. Also he was saying that he's not trying to hinder me from doing my thing cause he knows I have "needs." But even though I think about dealing with other guys, me being around him so often makes me second guess double dipping, and sex is not that important, I have a jump-off on the bat phone but I'm even bored with him, so I've been celibate for a couple months now, nothing to it
. I'd rather spend time with him and invest in this relationship, cause if he is the one, it will definitely be worth the sacrifice later on, and when I'm only stressing over one guy, then I have energy left over to focus on the other issues in my life. So I'm still single, but reluctant to mingle, and definitely not afraid of "Mr. Big."
On the job search tip though, the temp agency called me today wondering if I'd interview tomorrow for a receptionist gig, but I'm wondering if this temp thing is even worth it, I'd rather have job security @ a job I'm used to hating, then hating many jobs that are always new.
In reference to the previous post, when I got off of work, I chirped "Mr. Big", but he didn't hit me back so hopefully it wasn't intentional and I'll be able to get up with him later on today. The more we put it off, the more inevitable it becomes, we have to have the "where are we going" talk. That's the bottom line.
Stay tuned for more on that saga...
Yesterday rounded out to be a good day. Work went by without any drama, then I came home to get ready to hit a club in BK w/ Xic, and my cousin Tia came through to catch up while I primped. Me N Xic left for NY @ around 1:30AM, which isn't fashionably late as much as it's time to consider and/or conjure up a plan B. So we went to the Around the Clock Diner which is right by Webster Hall, good ol' Web. We had light meals and some good convo and as we were going to her car these dudes were tryna get our attention but we weren't beat, needless to say, one dude was like instantly smitten with Xic while his brother opened up the door on my side to holla, which was NOT hot.
Unfortunately, we both surrendered our numbers, but meeting them upgraded our outing from kool to memorable. I'm glad I went out and didn't hole up in my room as usual, hopefully I'll feel inspired to make some more changes to the routine. On a final note though, NY negros are TOO much, they just aren't as down to earth as Jerz dudes, and that's why I'm destined to be with someone like "Mr. Big", cause he's the classic Jersey kat. Night Night/ Good morning, my bed is calling my name!
So I was on the phone with my brother till 5 this morning, talking bout everything under the sun, having one of those talks that goes to the foundation of why you're who you are. Then we both realized that we had obligations within the next couple of hours and took it down.
I had an 8AM store meeting, running on one hour of sleep, just to hear niggz talk about the same ish they been bringing up every month since I started there, give me a break.
But on to the topic @ hand. Today I decided, with some subtle encouragement from my brother, that I should confront "Mr. Big" about the dynamics of our relationship. He himself came out of nowhere talking about we would make a good couple and that he's been thinking about it a lot lately, I would be a good mother, he wants to have a daughter blah blah yakety yak. Yet, with all that in the air, he still treats me like a neutered extra close friend, which to me, is beyond wack. We have soooo much history, so many issues that have been buried in the sands of time, and I don't want to waste any more of my hourglass pining for him if he wants to continue giving me the stiff arm. I mean, someone has to air shit out, why not me? So I decided to talk to him about all of these matters when I get off of work tonight. So even though I just blogged a few hours back, I wanted to document this decision just in case I regret it later.
Jesus Christ, what a day. Job interview this morning way the eff in Hackensack
, turned out to be a temp agency, no prob, at least I know my proficiency in PowerPoint, we all know that was keeping me awake at night.
So I hope something comes of it, but anyhow on to financial woes, why oh why, did my AC conk out @ the beginning of summer? My brother talkin bout it's $425 for a new compressor...yea alright, I'll keep my windows down till then
...and lastly, neglect, I feel emotionally neglected right now, I can't remember the last time I went out on a real date with someone worth dating, and feeling butterflies, and wanting to be held and maybe smooched or felt up...what the eff?!, I'm glad "Mr. Big" is in my life but he's like as affectionate as a cold pillow, comfortable and welcoming, but it just lays there...so hopefully I'll resolve some of these issues, but they ain't keeping me down, I'm just sharing...I'm too FRESH! to stress.
