Poem @ 3AM

Lovely.
If it loved
If it lost
If it at all related to love
It would be lovely.

-Pascalle Arnold

The Christmas Eve Shocker.

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, PLEASE REVIEW PRETTY UGLY

Man, just when you think you have a situation figured out, and you make adjustments and basically move on without fanfare, people call you and make you feel like a complete ass for even being angry.  Andre called me today out of the clear blue and said that the reason he hadn't called me was because his Aunt and his cousin passed away and he shut everyone out.  I was like damn, thinking to myself, you're and absolute asshole.  Mind you, last night I was in Harlem @ the Magic Johnson theater watching The Pursuit of HappYness with an old friend, trying to get my social life back on track, and now I feel like...well I don't even know.  So now I feel like I need to be there for Andre, but old boy is thinking I'm single and fancy free and gonna be kicking it with him.  This is the real definition of ugly.  But honestly, how was I to know?  I mean, you just assume the worst when someone stops talking to you after continuous daily conversations right?  I was trying to protect my feelings and rebound quickly.  I mean, it's not like we're together, but it's not like I can tell him about old boy either.  Ahh well, at least I know I wasn't given the shaft.  The plot thickens ya'll...

Pretty Ugly.

Remember when I said, me and Andre might turn out pretty ugly?  Not even the case.  What happened was, he just stopped calling me.  Which is a little embarrassing on my part but nothing I should be ashamed to share, shit happens.  He came through Thurs. night, we chilled, he called me when he got home, and that's the last I heard from him...sooo...yea.  I called him the next day unaware anything had changed as of then, then the next day I left a message saying I was worried (cause we talked everyday).  And finally I left a message saying I wouldn't be calling anymore.  It doesn't take long for me to figure out I'm getting the brush off.  This is the risk you take when you deal with a younger dude anyway, or just dudes in general.  So I kind of miss him.  But not really.  I'm just mad I didn't have any other dudes in the cut, I'm slippin' as I get older, pimp hand isn't even as strong.  Ah well.  Que sera', sera'.

Brokers=Mantra, Mantra=Brokers?

Wow, this is how you know you're getting old, Brokers isn't Brokers anymore?? What type a shit? I know I'm old cause I remember when there were 2 other clubs in E.O, and it used to be the spot for Jersey nightlife...ahh well, good thing I can always take my ass to NY, being a grown up has its perks.

Jumpoff's need to know their role.

My jump chirped me tonight (it's like Nextel was invented for that) and tried to make me feel bad because whenever I meet someone I'm interested in, I cut him off. I tried to reason with him stating that I try to give new relationships a chance and having someone in the cut is dishonesty from the door, which is not cool. So I was like, I respect your opinion, I'll try to be more considerate. But what I wanted to say was, shouldn't I be the one chirping you on some Ralph Tresvant Sensitivity stuff? Know your role homeboy. But I didn't. & really, I've just looked @ him completely different ever since I tried to get up and he was so drunk he couldn't get in his house so I took him to mine and when he woke up he didn't remember how he got there. I was like, just say no brah, really. Anyhow, it's just funny to me that we started out really liking eachother 2 years ago and now our relationship isn't even in effect till after hours. Why would I take you seriously now? Why should you care if I cut you off? Just ease up and wait for my chirp, is all I'm sayin...

Do you think I'm pretty?

Yea, that's what I asked Andre tonight after he left here and called me to let me know he was home.  I felt like such an insecure girly girl.  But it's a simple thing, he doesn't compliment me that much so I wanted to know.  Am I just aight to him.  I would hate to know that he's just settling with me.  I want to be with someone who really finds me beautiful.  I've been with people that did, and it makes me more comfortable being myself, because I know they really like me anyway.  But with this guy, it's like, I'm all shy and reserved, because I don't want to get caught out there.  There is security in hearing reassuring words like "you are so beautiful" often enough in a relationship.  So when I asked him, he was like, yea you're pretty.  Not convincing at all.  I asked cause I knew it would seem like it came out of left field, so that I could get an honest response.  I don't know, I just don't think "it" is there between us.  He's cool, and attractive, and the sex is alright when it so happens that we both want to (it's either he wants to and I don't or vice versa).  I just don't think it's something with a very bright future.  It might turn out to be, well, pretty ugly.

Requiem.

This night, no need for the formality of black
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind*
 

-Pascalle Arnold
 
*Certain people were concerned about the tone of this poem, but it's in reference to a relationship, don't worry!

Random work story...

As I was fixing up non-bridal today...this one part from The 40 year old virgin kept popping in my head, and it had me cracking up...I was like this is we todd did. Anywho...it was

And I answered by saying, "cause you use words like ruched and chambord..." Just thought I'd share...

The Last Dragon

Am I The Last Dragon? I feel like I have so much more control over my personal life right now. As if I posses the power of the glow! Things have been effortless ever since Benito and my ex had that near - altercation and my ex broke it off. Now I can just do me. Don't have to answer to anyone, but can still get what I wanted anyway, Benito still in my life, and spending time with the ex. I mean this is too good to be true. I don't have to pick Benito up all the time anymore, only when I feel like it. I feel free of all the weight of my arrangements with both of them, but I still have them around, that's a coup. And I'm souped but leery, things like this usually self-combust eventually...ah well, I'll just go along for the ride...

"say my man, what it look like?"

Ex-traordinary

Me & the ex chilled tonight, he came over here all amped about The Wire being on @ 11 (clearly it comes on @ 10), so we watched the last 15 minutes of it. Then we watched Nacho Libre, not really cause we ended up having sex. Which we regretted later on when we had a candid talk about our relationship. A lot of trust issues and definitely some emotional residue on both our parts. He doesn't trust me and I can't find it in me to open up anymore. It's like, I'm not beat to fall victim to some revenge shit that you got planned, you know how you can't really trust someone who just broke up with you, gotta feel them out. But then we started burning some CDs and we just enjoyed each other's company. & it was nice, and it made it hard to think that any relationship potential has been sabotaged. We even slow danced together, like c'mon! I never do that, and take it seriously! Anyhow, I'm all fucked up with this one here. I know he still cares, but he's still trying to assess his emotions, it's written all over his face, so I'm not gonna stress anything, as my idol (Wendy Williams) always says: It is what it is, awrrighht.