Oh Canada

I'm in Montreal.  Been up here since April 16th, gonna be here till May 5.  Visiting my mom's bff and her 3 sons whom I've known all my life and therefore call my cousins.  I'm having a good time.  The last time I came up I was with my brother Jesse, and was not in a good head space at all.  Let's be real I was deep in a depression back in '03 and didn't have a good time, at all.  7 years is long time and thankfully I'm healthy and in great spirits.  I've been enjoying the quality time with moms and taking in some of the charm of Quebec.  One thing I've realized while in another country is that pop culture is not some general knowledge that crosses all cultural bounds.  It is very particular to age, race, culture, exposure, etc.  My sense of humor doesn't always translate (literally and figuratively) up here.  Case in point, I had to Youtube a Colt 45 commercial to show my cousin who Billy D. Williams was so that I could then explain a reference ("works every time") someone made while I was playing poker on Facebook.  Long story long, it dawned on me that no, everyone does not know who the smoothest black man in America is!  What a revelation.  So in a personal sense it's a further reminder that the world that revolve around me and the way that I interact with it.  Culture is pockets of subjective perspectives, joined together in the human experience.  While in Canada I'm realizing a lot of things, how much I missed out on by not having siblings, and that my grasp of French isn't completely gone, and also that spring time up here has its redeeming qualities, but these people need to get a grip, hockey isn't all that!

Fixation

This morning I need to talk about body image.  I just finished watching a documentary "America the Beautiful" about our fixation on unrealistic standards of beauty.  It struck a nerve with me especially now that the summer season is upon us and suddenly Facebook is inundated with stats touting gym, diet, and other things no one really worries about in the winter.  I have always felt like the biggest girl in every circle.  When I had a larger chest it was on the back-burner as I was being sexualized so that I didn't have a chance to feel fat.  When I was the smallest I've been in my adult life it was only after having an emotional breakdown my first year of college, I was skinny because of stress.  Not a good time to feel beautiful.  My body image has been fairly regular, having my most difficult times from middle through high school when I had a 36DDD chest.  Since 18 and my breast reduction, (now a 38D) I've been fixated on my stomach.  It's never flat, I feel like if it just disappeared I would be beautiful.  My clothes would fall correctly and I would be attractive and sexy.  After removing parts of my breasts in an unnecessary surgery I still don't feel pretty.  Think about it.  It's fucked up.  I always say to people, I love my body except my stomach.  My stomach should be the part I love the very most.  It is my womanhood.  I hope to one day bear children and it will become my crowning glory, growing life, nurturing a being.  A wise man once said:

B*tches need to stop blaming all your problems on us. Stop tellin' a n*gga, "You f*cked up my self-esteem." B*tch it's called SELF-ESTEEM! It's esteem of your motherf*ckin' self. How am I gonna f*ck up how you feel about you simple b*tch?

 That wise man was Katt Williams.  Beyond the crude language, he has a point.  It's impossible at the end of the day to blame outside sources for how I feel about myself.  I can pinpoint influences that have been negative or of detriment, but only I wake up everyday and critique my body in my full length mirror before I go into the shower.  Only I obsess over my stomach in bed at night, wishing it away, only I feel insecure when men tell me I'm beautiful.  That's me.  I do a lot of self degradation with little outside help.  The media may fuel the flame, my mother may ignite my fire at times, but only I keep it burning.  And so even as I have a date this morning with my friend Schnovey to go walking and shop for a fruit and veggies only diet (she also hates only her tummy), I do so with trepidation.  I have very unhealthy eating habits and I know that if I had a weaker constitution I could fall victim to an eating disorder, it's a slippery slope.  So this spring and summer I am going to work on building my self esteem, feeling less paranoid in society (I'm EXTREMELY self-conscious always feeling like people are dissecting me, it informs my actions when driving sometimes, I have anxiety at red lights wondering if the next car is looking at me, it's crazy!) and loving every part of me everyday.  Even if I aspire to lose weight and change my outward appearance, I want and need to maintain a positive self image.  Forever.  Period.