I have my ways...

...I know this about myself.  But lately I've been feeling like I've been losing brain cells from all of my non-activity.  I mean yea I'm a homebody and I love to sleep but this is ridiculous.  My sleep schedule is all fucked up, up all night, waking up in the afternoon.  Nothing to show for these two months on unemployment.  Haven't worked out my school situation or even written anything of interest.  Just watching the seasons change and wondering if I have at all.  I've been saying I wanted to start walking so that I could maintain my weight loss, but no, I keep using the fact that I haven't bought an IPOD as an excuse.  Psh.  Nobody can feel as bad about the things I haven't accomplished as me.  Trust.  But I don't operate off of people reminding me of shit I'm not doing.  I'm not out there fucking my life up, it's just not moving forward at a rate most people would be comfortable with.  In the bigger picture, like my brother Brad always says, I'm good.  I have a lot of things that people my age won't have for another 5-10 years.  So just let me do things in my time.  Otherwise I won't do them at all, and still be happy.  Cause I'm not about living my life to please others anymore.  Naw pimpin, I'm not the one.

Top 5 T.V. Commentaries

5. So yea, I keep missing ANTM, it doesn't look that interesting but I love that there's so many black girls this season!
4. I love watching wedding shows like Married Away now because I have more knowledge of that industry.
3. If you like Frasier, it not only comes on The CW but also on Lifetime after midnite, great for insomniacs.
2. Marathons are awesome because: you can miss an entire season of a show (FX's Damages), catch the marathon, get sucked in just in time to catch the season finale and look forward to next season like you've been a fan all along.
1. I am so pissed off at Sandy aka Pepa from The SaltNPepa Show.  Bitch is you crazy?  A nose job?!  For what? - so you could go into witness protection! I barely recognize you, you dumb, dizzy broad.
1a. I have never given more than two seconds thought to Irv Gotti, but watching his VH1 show (Gotti's Way) makes me like him so much, he reminds me a lot of my boy Marcus, light skinned and loveable.

The Softer Side of Blogging

Today I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. With a twist. Revistiting some past loves and the music that will forever be tied to our times together. Let's begin. Well, definitely have to shout out Reggie T., who taught me the importance of mood music, I dedicate this Ginuwine song to you:

Moving on to more recent liasons, and very old flames all in one, Benito, my one and only kryptonite, the one person who shared my same feverish love of music and interest in it's particulars. Someone who could have made me so happy but consistently mad me so sad, I dedicate, of course, a Boot Camp classic:

Now, onto the last year. I was ahead of the curve with the Rich Boy phenomenon because of my short lived romp with you, Andre, good times though, bad timing, but still I dedicate a song that you were all over long before heads were buying Cadillacs, lol:

There's so many more guys and songs and memories attached to them, but I'll wrap this blog up with Justin, who, I really fucked up with, and, I hope can one day understand, but, who loved Lil' Wayne (I still can't get with him like that) and so I dedicate this last joint to you. It's crazy how a song or a show can bring you back to those happy moments with a person, but it's also a gift because many of those moments are forever lost in the annals of time:

Smoke in the City

I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment.  I'm just thinking about life - mainly relationships, trying to connect some dots.  I've had some conversations with folks and I've concluded that most of us in our mid-20s are finding that those instant attractions and chance meetings are becoming fewer and farther between.  I agree wholeheartedly, when I was 18, I had a starting line and kept the rotation moving.  Now I feel it's partially a slow down in my lifestyle not being in school and also that as I age I just have less tolerance for certain personalities and situations.  The older me is less inclined to be gassed that a dude in some dimmed club is shooting game.  The older me isn't intimidated or caught up in phone conversations.  The older me isn't impressed that you are good looking, and much less easy going about being the sole means of transportation. 

Is the older me jaded? 

Naw, I would say I am wiser and have developed my convictions enough to know what I am not beat for, finally!  Yet I do miss the cavalier way in which dating just managed itself.  Now I think maybe I have to be more proactive.  Hmph.  So not excited about that.

Because I’m too old for that shit, that’s why.

Man, long story short, my brother Dontes tried to kick it to me.  It made me uncomfortable.  I would have loved that kind of attention when we first met two years ago, but now that we've established such a close relationship in the complete opposite direction, it's like what's the point now, I'm actually over that attraction.  I'm so tired of younger dudes kicking it to me.  I really don't care how fine or mature you are.  I'm about to be 25, get your babynuts out of here!  I'm too used to dealing with dudes older than me, that's where I'm comfortable, maybe I'm some challenge for them, some goal to be conquered but I'm too old for that shit, point blank period.  What do I look like?  He just turned 21 Friday, I know he's handsome, so what, all my brothers are and I don't go there with them cause that's not what they are in my life for. And I swore Don was in the same category but we crossed the line again Saturday.  I mean, whatever, I'm only human, no sex but like so much inappropriateness.  I need to come up off of that and not let him drag me into his cypher.  I know his psychology and why he's even pursuing this right now and I can't let myself fall victim to this madness.   So disappointed in the weakness of the flesh and the fact that all of this might sabotage our relationship in the future.  I really love him and I don't want it to end over some unnecessary advances and choices on both parts.