Heavy.

My thoughts are deliberate and scattered, like an aerial view of people milling about in a suburban mall. Intersecting, wandering, entering and exiting my mind, an endless carousel of life's musing. Some thoughts weigh heavily. I think of certain people and moments that stay suspended in my mind's eye. The atmosphere and emotions are all still so palpable yet just out of arm's reach, alive with tones, colors, sentiments.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.

Only When You're Lonely

I am an only child. No one else in this world has the same two parents, and no one ever will. My childhood was comfortable but instead of always being around cousins and having play-dates with friends I spent a lot of time alone, with my imagination. I'm thankful for my learned independence and ability to be completely content alone, yet I have considered how my singular adolescence has informed my interactions with people into adulthood. Let's be real, I can be very fickle and mood, distant and indifferent. My best girlfriend for 12 years, called her my sister, I got to a point of complete disdain with, and just cut her off w/o regard to love or loyalty. I'm never as emotionally attached as I seem, and in relationships, never really in love. My father raised me, a lot of times on his own, and affection was hard won. Those spare instances were so rare that the only time he said I love you twice in a day was the night before he passed away.

The Dating Game

This past week I've been compelled to join e-harmony & blacksingles.com. For some reason something told me to make myself more available to new people. Well the payoff has been swift and immediate. This evening I was contacted by a very handsome gentleman on blacksingles (sorry but e-harmony is a waste of money) and if nothing else he made me smile and gave me that feeling that I should not settle, as I have been dealing with all of these relics from the past. I also joined these sites with the hopes that I could connect and maybe befriend a few people from the Phoenix area, so that perhaps my social calendar wouldn't be as barren when I get there next year (one can dream, right?)

Writer's Block

I've really wanted to blog for a month now. I kept postponing it thinking that once I transfer my Myspace blog I'll be ready. But I printed out my Myspace for backup and it was well over 30 pages. There's 3 years of steady blogging trapped on the Space. Ugh, the thought of transferring each one is overwhelming. I have also felt like even though I've had emotional moments and deep thoughts and great events to discuss, something inside was keeping me from feeling so inclined. It's weird, but that's also how I feel about my own personal writing. My poetry, I haven't written a new poem in Godknowswhen. It's an uncomfortable feeling when people praise my writing ability and I think to myself I haven't written anything in forever. I feel like it's a disservice to myself and to the people that believe in my talent. Like why haven't I pursued any work in that field? I know I'm not the most motivated person but I should be doing more with the gifts I have. I'll try to work on that.

Anyhow quick re-cap of the past months since my FAB trip to Cabo.

-Came back from Cabo couldn't get back in the swing of work.
-I was approaching 2 years natural, but by the end of May, I had cut and straightened my hair into a fierce style but when it was curly, it looked a mess.
-I had to perm it. Since then, it's been a steady trip down short hair lane and now I'm on my Halle Berryyy, Halle Berry. I love it, I feel free and happy.
-I plan on going natural again and doing it right.
-Benito has disrespected me for the last time. I told him I would take his ass to court, he owes me a sum of money, and he has till April 2010 to pay me back. I feel no need to communicate with him anymore.
-The rest of my love life is uneventful. And summer is almost over! Boo-hunting on overdrive, lol!

::AZ 360::

I've already informed most of my close friends and now I'm discussing it for posterity. I'm moving to Arizona next year. Beginning May 1st my plan will be in motion and I will be in Arizona April, 2010. Ever since I discussed it with mom, and she responded with emphatic enthusiasm, my resolve has been solidified. I've been feeling ecstatic and relieved, and now I know that this is the best decision I've ever made. I've been feeling trapped in a rut for the past couple of years and continually disappointed that I have not returned to school. But what better way to kick start my life than a new state, a new start, and perpetual sunshine? Many people say why Arizona, why not ATL or Florida? Honestly I've always been fascinated by Arizona, the desert climate, the sunsets, the culture. And it's on the other side of the country, it's an adventure. I've been doing a lot of research and am not going into this blindly. I've lived on my own before but it was 7 years ago and I was young and stressed out. 26 is the perfect age. It means a lot to me. It symbolizes many significant milestones in my history. My mother was 26 when she had me, this year marks 13 years since my father's passing - I have lived exactly 1/2 of my life with him and 1/2 without. It boggles the mind. And for some reason, I feel like this year calls for a grand gesture, a daring choice. With all of that said, maybe I won't like it, maybe I won't succeed...New Jersey will always be here, that's a fact. I'm tired of Jersey, the winters depress me, and I feel like there's nothing to keep me here (of course I'll miss family and friends!). At least I'm making my life's story interesting and keeping the pages turning, and like my hair idol Jill Scott crooned "Living my life like it's GOLDEN!"

Take It On the Chin

Listening to Wendy Williams @ lunch today, she stated that studies show women with longer chins (a male trait) tend to be more promiscuous and less faithful due to more testosterone in their systems. I mean, I've never been loose but I also haven't been in any long term committed relationships. It makes me wonder if looking like my father has caused me to have some masculine values. Perhaps it's moreso because I was raised by him, and never was exposed to emotional vulnerability and tenderness...TBC...

"All I do is dress, and rest."

Howyoudoin'? I only have 6 days until I am on my flight to Cabo San Lucas in Mexico for 5 days of R & damn R! Well needed and highly anticipated... yes - prepared for, NO. I just, just ordered my wardrobe for the trip from Old Navy online, whom I do most of my summer shopping with, (cheap and disposable, and I know my sizing in everything). I did express 2-day, but because I ordered just now, who knows if it will arrive Monday or Tuesday? Ah well, still need sandals, a new digital camera, and a big ass beach hat. But, since I'm off this Friday, and up anyway, I made a quick collage of the items I ordered so that I could go shopping for extras before it arrives. Don't you love it. It says, laid back, colorful, cute. That's me. And for the value, can't beat it. 17 items for $200, I'm not new to this! Anyhow I am so thankful for this trip, my job, my cool ass manager that cushioned the 5 days with 3 scheduled days off so that I won't be anywhere near Macy's for 8 straight days. Who's bad? I plan on taking bukoo vacation videos this time around and going whale watching as well (apparently this is the season), also hitting up the spa. But mostly, I want to luxuriate on the beach with a piña colada and forget about all of my angst. I just want to enjoy myself, it's ME time!!!!!

Whatevs

Here are the constants in my relationship equation:  I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, until of course, I'm not, then I try to be with someone that's very effusive and attentive and it's all too much.  I need a balance, I can't and do not have the ability to have either extreme.  I've been conditioned by the few male influences in my life to be a bit emotionally reserved, it always comes off as aloof and indifferent, when really, I think situations over with such manic repetition, it's a problem.  But verbalizing how I feel, is more of a problem, because as much as someone wants you to be real, they don't realize how real I can be without filters (Brad knows, lol).  And I'm at my core a considerate person.  I play things out, like 3 steps ahead, and usually veto the first thoughts that come to mind.  And so.  I'm single, and really, not very optimistic since I am still, still?  still.  dealing with someone from 9 years ago.  When I was a completely different person.  Someone whom I vaguely remember.  And yet my naivete has kept me chained to this person.  For years.  Without ANY progress.  It's, depraved.  It's wrong.  It's my choice.  And yet - if I had the balls to say the things I really want to say to him when they come to mind, he would be out of my life.  Or if I had never called him after months of not speaking, or not answered the phone when he did the last fucked up thing.  At all of these bookmarks in the life of this relationship, I could have closed this chapter of my life, but I keep flipping back to the first page, as if the story is going end differently, it's not!  I know, I know.  Anyhow this rant is just so that I can know how I felt about this on this night, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.  Whatever.

Let Me Tell You Something...

Lately, I've been beginning many a statement with "let me tell you something about life", in a sassy/sarcastic, about to say something borderline snarky, kind of way.  Oh and honey I feel these 26 years now.  Sore muscles, long days, "the future" seeming like a shorter period of time than it used to.  I'm no longer in the formative years of my 20s, I now feel like I'm hurdling towards 30 without many accomplishments or safety nets.  But it does afford me the opportunity to impress myself, to see exactly how much I can accomplish before the next decade of my life.  I'm pretty comfortable in life right now.  None of my relationships with men are on a relationship track, but that's ok.  No, really.  I just want to move though!  I want to pick up and skip town, especially as this winter weather drags on and on.  It's depressing, drains me of what motivation I might have had, and keeps me from being as active as I know I need to be.  This spring/summer, I'm going to find another gym and get down to my goal weight finally (170).  Why not?
I feel myself really being myself lately.  I mean, I'm in my own skin.  What I'm saying is, I'm growing up.  I have more set views, a little less patience, but still so many hopes, interests, and questions.  I'm doin Rihanna, "live ya life".  I am highly optimistic, and happy.  I am blessed, and grateful for the things I have.  I am getting my finances in order, and planning for major purchases, etc.  But on my day to day, it's like this, life is like a box of chocolates honey.  And I love chocolate.

2009. Deadline.

Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.

I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.

I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but

I am going to Cabo in 2 months

and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.

There are new people in my life. But none of them make me feel the way I feel just being around Benito, burning him a CD, us riding in my car listening to Boot

Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.