Whatevs

Here are the constants in my relationship equation:  I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, until of course, I'm not, then I try to be with someone that's very effusive and attentive and it's all too much.  I need a balance, I can't and do not have the ability to have either extreme.  I've been conditioned by the few male influences in my life to be a bit emotionally reserved, it always comes off as aloof and indifferent, when really, I think situations over with such manic repetition, it's a problem.  But verbalizing how I feel, is more of a problem, because as much as someone wants you to be real, they don't realize how real I can be without filters (Brad knows, lol).  And I'm at my core a considerate person.  I play things out, like 3 steps ahead, and usually veto the first thoughts that come to mind.  And so.  I'm single, and really, not very optimistic since I am still, still?  still.  dealing with someone from 9 years ago.  When I was a completely different person.  Someone whom I vaguely remember.  And yet my naivete has kept me chained to this person.  For years.  Without ANY progress.  It's, depraved.  It's wrong.  It's my choice.  And yet - if I had the balls to say the things I really want to say to him when they come to mind, he would be out of my life.  Or if I had never called him after months of not speaking, or not answered the phone when he did the last fucked up thing.  At all of these bookmarks in the life of this relationship, I could have closed this chapter of my life, but I keep flipping back to the first page, as if the story is going end differently, it's not!  I know, I know.  Anyhow this rant is just so that I can know how I felt about this on this night, because who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.  Whatever.