My thoughts are deliberate and scattered, like an aerial view of people milling about in a suburban mall. Intersecting, wandering, entering and exiting my mind, an endless carousel of life's musing. Some thoughts weigh heavily. I think of certain people and moments that stay suspended in my mind's eye. The atmosphere and emotions are all still so palpable yet just out of arm's reach, alive with tones, colors, sentiments.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.
