Lost Art

When is the last time you wrote someone a letter?  Remember passing notes in class?  Yea when you're in school you write papers and you might have to compose some e-mails for work.  But what about the types of letters that drive classic movies, or the ones from your first love that you have stashed away somewhere?  I'm starting to think that writing letters is becoming a lost art.  It's the best way to communicate because as much as it conveys thoughts and emotions, it also chronicles a period in time.  You'll never feels those exact feelings at that same time and therefore letters are like historical documents for average people.  I have kept all of the letters people have given me, love letters, family letters, bff letters, and it's crazy to read them and know that those moments are gone but forever captured within the pages.  Maybe I'm romanticizing a little, but I've been trying to write a letter to Dontes for like, a week now.  And it's not even that long, but I almost feel like my attention span is now so short that the commitment of sitting and writing pages is seemingly too demanding.  When I was younger I was shy and no boys really liked me and all I did was write to express myself.  In a diary, in a journal.  Now with all of these methods of communication, the most valuable and lasting form is vanishing from my grasp.  This is a sad day.

Let's Talk about Depression

The end of 2003 and beginning of 2004 are a complete and utter blur to me.  I was in a deep depression for about 6 months (my lowest point came when I attempted suicide by taking many prescribed anti-psychotic pills) after my 2nd year of college.  I know, I know that's a lot for a first sentence of a blog on Myspace (moved to Blogger), but MTV was having a True Life about people with mental disorders.  I'm not ashamed to say that I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder when I was 19.  I've had an interesting life since 18, that's for sure.  Anyhow I was in the hospital 3 times, 3 years consecutively due to some manic episodes.  And then I just pulled it together.  Naw it wasn't some magical resolution, I just reclaimed my mind.  Yes some people are clearly mentally ill and need medication, therapy, treatment, etc.  Others are labeled for lack of thorough examination and expected to follow suit their entire lives.  Naw, I'll pass.  I haven't been in any hospital since 2004.  I plan to keep it that way.  No meds, no episodes.  I say all of this to say that I have come a LONG way!  I don't acknowledge that enough, and I tend to get down on myself about school but you know what, school the first time around triggered my melt down (due to all of the major life changes and stresses), so I'll return when I'm good and damn ready.  And that's that.  I was eating lunch in my car and this man walked by and made some comment about my lunch selection and started chatting me up through the window.  He asks me about school and I felt extra defensive when he goes in about how I need to finish, and the fact of the matter is that I don't NEED to do anything but stay black and die.  So I know this blog is all over the place but what I had in my heart to say is that people's standards for you can sometimes be completely void of perspective.  You have to know what people have championed and overcome to really appreciate what they consider "success."  And I have my priorities in order, and that's all she wrote.

My friend Katrina's comment on Myspace:

I was going to send this as a message, but I decided to let everyone see it. I want everybody to know how dope my Jesus is. Two things just happened:

Before I even read the blog much less the title when I was on my home screen .. waaaaaay before I even stepped foot of out of bed and turned on my computer, God put it in my heart to pray for you. I didn't even know why at the time I was saying some of the things I was saying to Him, but now I do. Just another reason for me to believe God is that knock, for real-for real. It also serves as a reminder of what I can and really have to do in order to stay on track -- for me, for you, for Kate, for Zheanelle, for Karen, my fam, anybody and everybody.

God bless you and your courage to "confess" -- I put that in quotes because maybe other people closer to you knew, but I really had no idea. I know when I wrote my blog about what was going through my head while I was dealing with being number 2, my friend finally understood how I was REALLY feeling because she had already gone through it, too. I was there for her while it happened to her, so I knew it without saying. Before she would talk to me about Mike, but because I tend show that brand of emotion on really a superficial level, she could only sympathize. Now we're helping EACH OTHER through it. Disturbing it may be to read -- my account and yours -- it's truly a good thing to talk about these subjects because it's not as lonely as you think. They are real and people go through it everyday for as long as they can remember. It really speaks volumes into what you thought you knew about a person and explains more about why they are who they are today, and even where they're going. With that said, I commend you just on the strength for TALKING period. Talking helps you move out of it and/or can be, like you said, a sign of victory. Keep doing you, P, and I'll continue to pray for you. You're blessed. The mere fact you're going through it and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS without discretion shows me you know you're blessed, too. Never. Stop. Doing. That.

I'd thank you a million times, but Tom's a hater.

Tuesdays with Passie

Other than my brother Don's chirp interrupting the last 10 minutes w/ "Swing that shit", my experience watching Tuesdays with Morrie was really touching.  Firstly I love Jack Lemmon.  I know the movie is old and no I never read the book but I didn't really know about it till Steven Colbert interviewed the author (Mitch Albom) on his show.  It was a short movie but well acted and chock full of life's lessons presented in a palpable fashion.  I loved it.  I was taken back to people I've loved and lost, people I've removed from my life for no real reason, silly grudges, stupid choices, un-saids, in-actions.  And I feel empowered, amidst my many mistakes, in knowing that I still have time to grow and claim my life's path -something that definitely sounds weathered but is as illuminated as any summer morning.  Then I realized today was Tuesday.  And it all made sense.  Today I reconnected with myself, having been swept up in the rush of having a job again, I haven't been doing much soul searching.  And I know that journey never ends, so wasting days w/o introspection is toxic.  Now many things that I've managed to convince myself are out of reach, are mine to claim or bypass.  I am my only measure of happiness.  I highly recommend this movie.

Beloved

I've been feeling lonely lately.  Clearly I am not, ALONE.  But last night I had a dream with not one but two dudes I used to deal with.  Talk about your subconscious going IN.
Anyhow.  I got the idea to write a poem about my intended, whomever, and  wherever, he may be.  Then I lost the inspiration.  That was earlier this afternoon.  So here I go on the late night trying to get it right.

Imagining you to be
Many things
Yet no one thing
In particular
Conjuring intimacy
and endless embraces
You are a mirage
Tangible only when
We finally encounter
Love's haze
Someday
I will awaken you
See you through
Grateful eyes
Know you
And call you
Beloved.

Point Blank, Period.

Yea, this black sum-mum-ma bitch sent me a text Friday.  Simply stating "I know we're not talking right now but I hope that you love your new job."  Emotions welled up.  My attachment to Benito is not rational, it's completely built on a foundation of wild emotions.  Anyhow I didn't lose my head.  I text him the next day, Saturday, simply stating "I do."  Then he goes in w/ "Well hello, I didn't think I'd ever hear f/ you again."  C'mon guy.  You know wtf you did last time and why I haven't been beat.  So I say you didn't apologize.  He proceeds to tell me why I was actually mad.  No, negro.  I'm mad for the reason I said I was mad!  Are you serious?!  Instead of being real and just apologizing he argues me down.  I finally say, "Fine.  This isn't going anywhere."  He agrees, acting like it's my fault, talking about I just hit you up to see how you were and if you liked your job, I see you still feel some type of way about last time.  It reminded me of one of those movies when people reunite and as soon as they let their guards down, start arguing and realize neither one has changed.  I admit I'm stubborn, and I realize that Benito likes to make himself the victim when he does fucked up things, but I was right, point blank, period.  And I'm not beat.  I told him, it's not my JOB to be your friend, I chose to be there for you, but it's never enough.  It will never be.  EVER.  To be in his life, I would have to consistently compromise myself, infinitely.  Who the hell wants that?!  The fuck outta here.  AND.  I'm not stupid.  How many times do I have to say this.  I just omit stating the obvious.  He has a serious court date coming up.  He didn't hit me up out of the blue.  Get a grip on life Benito.  The game is real.  Asshole.