The end of 2003 and beginning of 2004 are a complete and utter blur to me. I was in a deep depression for about 6 months (my lowest point came when I attempted suicide by taking many prescribed anti-psychotic pills) after my 2nd year of college. I know, I know that's a lot for a first sentence of a blog on Myspace (moved to Blogger), but MTV was having a True Life about people with mental disorders. I'm not ashamed to say that I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder when I was 19. I've had an interesting life since 18, that's for sure. Anyhow I was in the hospital 3 times, 3 years consecutively due to some manic episodes. And then I just pulled it together. Naw it wasn't some magical resolution, I just reclaimed my mind. Yes some people are clearly mentally ill and need medication, therapy, treatment, etc. Others are labeled for lack of thorough examination and expected to follow suit their entire lives. Naw, I'll pass. I haven't been in any hospital since 2004. I plan to keep it that way. No meds, no episodes. I say all of this to say that I have come a LONG way! I don't acknowledge that enough, and I tend to get down on myself about school but you know what, school the first time around triggered my melt down (due to all of the major life changes and stresses), so I'll return when I'm good and damn ready. And that's that. I was eating lunch in my car and this man walked by and made some comment about my lunch selection and started chatting me up through the window. He asks me about school and I felt extra defensive when he goes in about how I need to finish, and the fact of the matter is that I don't NEED to do anything but stay black and die. So I know this blog is all over the place but what I had in my heart to say is that people's standards for you can sometimes be completely void of perspective. You have to know what people have championed and overcome to really appreciate what they consider "success." And I have my priorities in order, and that's all she wrote.
My friend Katrina's comment on Myspace:
I was going to send this as a message, but I decided to let everyone see it. I want everybody to know how dope my Jesus is. Two things just happened:
Before I even read the blog much less the title when I was on my home screen .. waaaaaay before I even stepped foot of out of bed and turned on my computer, God put it in my heart to pray for you. I didn't even know why at the time I was saying some of the things I was saying to Him, but now I do. Just another reason for me to believe God is that knock, for real-for real. It also serves as a reminder of what I can and really have to do in order to stay on track -- for me, for you, for Kate, for Zheanelle, for Karen, my fam, anybody and everybody.
God bless you and your courage to "confess" -- I put that in quotes because maybe other people closer to you knew, but I really had no idea. I know when I wrote my blog about what was going through my head while I was dealing with being number 2, my friend finally understood how I was REALLY feeling because she had already gone through it, too. I was there for her while it happened to her, so I knew it without saying. Before she would talk to me about Mike, but because I tend show that brand of emotion on really a superficial level, she could only sympathize. Now we're helping EACH OTHER through it. Disturbing it may be to read -- my account and yours -- it's truly a good thing to talk about these subjects because it's not as lonely as you think. They are real and people go through it everyday for as long as they can remember. It really speaks volumes into what you thought you knew about a person and explains more about why they are who they are today, and even where they're going. With that said, I commend you just on the strength for TALKING period. Talking helps you move out of it and/or can be, like you said, a sign of victory. Keep doing you, P, and I'll continue to pray for you. You're blessed. The mere fact you're going through it and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS without discretion shows me you know you're blessed, too. Never. Stop. Doing. That.
I'd thank you a million times, but Tom's a hater.
Before I even read the blog much less the title when I was on my home screen .. waaaaaay before I even stepped foot of out of bed and turned on my computer, God put it in my heart to pray for you. I didn't even know why at the time I was saying some of the things I was saying to Him, but now I do. Just another reason for me to believe God is that knock, for real-for real. It also serves as a reminder of what I can and really have to do in order to stay on track -- for me, for you, for Kate, for Zheanelle, for Karen, my fam, anybody and everybody.
God bless you and your courage to "confess" -- I put that in quotes because maybe other people closer to you knew, but I really had no idea. I know when I wrote my blog about what was going through my head while I was dealing with being number 2, my friend finally understood how I was REALLY feeling because she had already gone through it, too. I was there for her while it happened to her, so I knew it without saying. Before she would talk to me about Mike, but because I tend show that brand of emotion on really a superficial level, she could only sympathize. Now we're helping EACH OTHER through it. Disturbing it may be to read -- my account and yours -- it's truly a good thing to talk about these subjects because it's not as lonely as you think. They are real and people go through it everyday for as long as they can remember. It really speaks volumes into what you thought you knew about a person and explains more about why they are who they are today, and even where they're going. With that said, I commend you just on the strength for TALKING period. Talking helps you move out of it and/or can be, like you said, a sign of victory. Keep doing you, P, and I'll continue to pray for you. You're blessed. The mere fact you're going through it and YOU'RE STILL ALIVE TO SHARE IT WITH OTHERS without discretion shows me you know you're blessed, too. Never. Stop. Doing. That.
I'd thank you a million times, but Tom's a hater.
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