Jeez Louise.

I can not fucking WAIT go on vacation.  8 more days and I'm OUT this hot ass, no A/C in my car, work be boring as hell, ain't nothing jumping off worth stayin, ass place.  I just don't understand...this time last year I had 3 really close male friends.  Those relationships all died in different painful ways, but I was blamed in each one, yet these have been long standing friendships in which I did give A LOT of myself, my time, my love.  And now, looking back, what the hell was the point?  As soon as you show signs of putting yourself first, bringing up the reality of things, of not being beat, all of the sudden you are uncaring.  GTFOOH!  NEXT yo.  I can't, I just can't.  So then the romance department.  Psh.  5 months and counting and I just don't even care right now.  And no hell no, even though Lenny keeps trying, no repeats of the beginning of this year, thank you!  Coming back from vacation I'm going to need to make some things happen, get the ball rolling on the rest of my life.  As my headliner says "Too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets, I haven't seen,"  I MEAN IT!  I'm finally dying to go back to school!  Even if it's just a class or two to start.  So hopefully I will have a LEGENDARY time on this cruise and come back ready to go!  But yea, this first half of '08, not so bad, but not as GREAT as I had predicted.  The second half though, the possibilities are endless!

No Air

I feel suffocated by how badly I want to be wanted and loved.  It's not something I'm outwardly showing or pursuing but I feel overlooked and as if I am of no interest to anyone.  I know this is highly dramatic and preposterous but I just want to be coddled and complimented and adored, is that asking too much?  The more pessimistic I become, the more I feel myself pulling my feelings inward, after all this time learning how to express them!  So I am just trying to take care of myself, spend time with myself, improve my attitude towards relationships, strengthen my friendships, live my life.  Hopefully I am on a path that is leading me directly to the person I am destined to spend my life (or at least a large portion) with.  I can't act as if people haven't shown interest lately.  Just no one I have chemistry with or they have too much with them, or they aren't serious.  SO this is just so I can vent some frustration and know that I am not holding it in letting it become toxic.