Benito had to turn himself into jail yesterday. As much as I wanted to feel sorry for him, I kind of felt relieved. Yea I know it’s a fucked up emotion but I swear he is so draining. The years of built up history and the way our friendship teeters on a foundation of resentment is toxic to me. I stay dropping everything for him, going out of my way, out of my bed, out of my routine, for him. It was like a snowball. Since the end of Nov. when we made up again for his b-day, ever since he’s been gradually asking for more and more from me. I never say no. I never state the obvious. Like I always say, maybe I’m too nice but I’m not fucking dense. I know he takes advantage of my feelings for him. I don’t blame him. I keep myself so available to him. I don’t know why I feel obligated to do anything but turn the fucking ringer off. Anyhow, he knew this shit was going to happen. No of course he doesn’t deserve to be in the clink but he should have handled his business. Grown ass man still cleaning up young man shit. I feel like even though we have no romantic relationship we have an indescribable connection that I really cherish.
That said. I’m tired. He doesn’t appreciate shit I do. It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show. I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him. He said you do - me. I wanted to laugh @ this nigga. He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do. I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit. Anyhow. Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back. Who is his plan B? I can’t keep carrying him, WTF? It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job. Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas. It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs." He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life. Never about me. Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company. I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity. B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER. That pissed me off. That’s how I know I need to fall back.
That said. I’m tired. He doesn’t appreciate shit I do. It’s ALWAYS the BENITO show. I told him I wish I had a friend that was there for me the way I am there for him. He said you do - me. I wanted to laugh @ this nigga. He wishes he could give of himself 1/4 of the way I do. I’m sure he would want to, but I know better than to ever think Benito would have my back for shit. Anyhow. Now that he’s going through this shit, I feel like he’s going to expect me to keep being there but I’m about to fall the fuck back. Who is his plan B? I can’t keep carrying him, WTF? It’s me who doesn’t have a fucking job. Why am I always looking you out burning my fucking gas. It’s little shit, reactions, inconsiderate actions, that feel like big ass "FUCK YOUs." He never realizes, too caught up thinking about himself and his life. Never about me. Never will, I assume.
A new day is coming though, I feel myself growing out of this need for his drama, his company. I’m going to eventually love him from a distance, to save my sanity, to reclaim some fucking dignity. B/c sometimes I’m driving in the car w/ this m-f thinking to myself, I’m doing all of these things for him and one day he’s going to marry some other bitch and do all of these things for HER. That pissed me off. That’s how I know I need to fall back.
0 comments:
Post a Comment