Check-In

(June 14th) School is not going as smoothly as I thought.  I feel like I'm doing it all alone.  When I told my mother she didn't exude all the enthusiasm I'd anticipated.  I applied for FAFSA but I'm not eligible for a Pell Grant and I don't know how to proceed from there and tuition is due Monday for Summer Session II.  Maybe I'll have to wait till Fall just so that my money will be right.  On that same subject, I had to rob Peter to pay Paul just to make it to Hawaii to see my boy Brad get married, but I made it and it was all worth it.  Since returning from Hawaii on Tuesday I've stayed in the house.  It's cheaper, and money is gonna be tight for a while :/  It is what it is.  Unemployment is freeing and limiting all at once.  I don't know how my mood is right now.  I feel highs and lows all within the same day. 

(Today)  I'm already losing motivation for school :/  But beyond my indifference I may have to put it on the back-burner again because I just applied for a para (teacher's aide) position in NYC.  I have my fingers crossed.  I wasn't looking to return to work so soon but this would give me work experience in my field so I am taking a chance.  I've spent the last 2 weeks in the city A LOT and I'm really starting to love it, so it would be awesome to work there and have an entirely new relationship with NY.  Mom and I are finally on good terms again.  As well as I can hold animosity and resentment for her, it is emotionally exhausting and it hurts me to feel that way for long periods of time.  Our main issue is something we will have to continually work on, communication.  I berate her for excluding me from some aspects of her life but when I have certain feelings I hold them in and let them fester instead of constructively expressing myself.  One thing I have always realized is that my mother loves me unconditionally and maybe it will take me one day becoming a mom to understand how that love works.