100% Funky

If I had to keep it 100 and/or keep it funky, as is the common request these days, this would be the state of affairs on the dating front.  The honest truth is startling, and can be hard to accept, but it is what it is!  I have a lot of loose ends, a lot of unfinished business with many different people, of whose feelings I can't speak for, but overall I can conclude that none of these men are the one for me.  In the interest of being direct and getting to the heart of each situation, I will only allow one sentence per person to illustrate what I feel is the lowdown.

Benito: Though difficult to sum up in one sentence, he is the antidote to my happiness, his personal instability and drama keep me feeling inexplicably obligated to be there for him.

Lenny: He is the biggest disappointment seeing as he was my archetype of true love for so long, sadly in adulthood he turned out to be a trifling adulterer.

Dontes:  Has just resurfaced in my life after being locked up again, and he seemingly still has feelings for me, only the shallow/superficial part of me finds this appealing.

Michael:  I wish I liked him as much as I want to, certain aspects of his personality turn me off, although I'll say he is the best match for me at this point in my life.

Sahir:  Is an amalgamation of every guy I've dealt with and regretted, my attraction to him is causing me to make many, many, many poor decisions.

Justin:  I am a glutton for guys that just aren't that into me, I realize he has his reasons for keeping me at arms reach but it has taken quite the emotional toll over the years.

Terrence:  I can honestly say I love Terrence more than any guy, in a healthy way, and his being in my life has been a blessing, if only he weren't so religious.

Kelvin:  I really like his novelty, he's so unique, intelligent, and we go on genuine dates, he's a keeper most definitely.

Zackery:  Had it not been for his misgivings with personal hygiene, we might still be together, he had a passion for me that is yet unparalleled and inspired me to no end.

And yet, NONE of these prospects has ever really breached the topic of a committed relationship, not w/o ulterior motives or some incongruities in the dating time-line, or worst of all, me initiating the discussion.  It's all so disheartening, to think that I am not the kind of girl that a man would want to lock down and forsake his single status on Facebook, makes you reconsider your market value, if you know what I mean, and that's as funky as it gets.

Publish Post

2 days off

Yesterday I got some errands done [plates/registration for the new whip] and went to happy hour @ TGIF with Schnovey.  It was great.  We always have ridiculous amounts of fun together.  That's my homey.  After that I went to my Grandmother's house and brought her a gift I'd had for her.  We talked for awhile.  When I brought up wanting to have 4 kids she said are there any prospects?  I said yea maybe one person except he's really religious [like her] and I don't want my children to grow up religiously oppressed, or forced to believe something w/o learning all that's out there.  She said that was "the devil" and I decided to forfeit the conversation.  I don't know what made me think that she was going to be open-minded about the fact that I'm not that beat for the greatest story ever told.  I left her house with another photo album to scan into my computer and a Lenox figurine of a black woman/angel with a baby.  I actually hate Lenox figurines because that off white/cream color they use is so dated and the pieces are usually hideous.  Leaving her home I went to hang with my sweety Terrence.  His boy Romaine was there, we had a good time hanging out, he's one of my favorite people, I tell him that all the time.  The next day I took him downtown so he could see about a new gig and he got me Subway, when I got home it was a wrap I was knocked the fuck out.  I had a weird dream, someone was getting married on the first floor of the beautiful southern style home with huge rooms and a wrap-around porch and my mother and cousin Mookie were there.  Last night I had a dream about Justin, which was equally weird, but judging by the way he treated me in that dream, it had a lot of truth in it and I take it as a warning.  Listen to your dreams people!  If of course, you can remember them [sometimes I can't].  Anyhow back to work, hope I see some cuties tomorrow [one in particular]! 

The Great [borough? city?] of Long Island

Naw didn't go to Long Island.  But had the damnedest time tryna have a good time tonight!  I got home from work and was determined to go out and enjoy myself.  First day of 2010, need to get it poppin, right?  Mannnn, I see my play cousin Jessie is going to support his pops down in Clark.  So I drag my homey Schnovey and we roll down there.  It's at the Crown Plaza Hotel...as soon as we pull in our parking space some dude hops out his pickup with a Kangol and a navy blue stepper suit on, that should have been all the warning we needed!  We get into the lobby and the party is non-existent, at 11:30, J arrives shortly after, we all take a group pic and decide to go to TFIG on 22.  Mannnn, it's stuffed to the gills up in there.  But we're next so we say let's wait <@ 12am> until a table opens up.  Finally one does and these two big burly bitches, who already had two stools at the bar, tell me that they were waiting for the table.  They sit their wack asses down and we are left to wait at the bar.  I hated on them the entire night, many Hungry Hungry Hippo references were made! They weren't even having a good time with eachother, what a waste.  Meanwhile we had a ball at the bar ki-ki-ing it up.  A little after 1am we finally get a table but the kitchen is closed.  We left immediately after only having had 3 Long Islands and an order of fries.  But it was exactly what I needed, if you can't party like a rock star, atleast laugh like a lunatic. 

Release

Let me take a moment to just let it all go.  365 days of life.  Is now another entry in the annals of existence.  And life goes on.  I have to be honest when I say, I don't know.  Am I still moving to Arizona?  Don't know.  Am I going to go back to school soon?  Don't know.  Will I find love and start a family?  Don't know.  I just don't have a clue, I don't feel the need to pressure myself with the gravity of all these answers.  I'm ok with not knowing.  The one certainty in life IS uncertainty.  I have learned this lesson many fold.  I think I am stuck in the past sometimes.  My mind is there, replaying my emotional lows, projecting those failures in my mind's eye, while my shell of a self goes through the motions in the now.  There's a disconnect.  I don't know how to be present in my life, because to me it's all so insignificant.  My job, my house, this new car, none of it matters.  My spirit is flickering, desperate for new places, new people, new sunsets, new moments of reflective silence.  I want to revive myself.  I want to forge ahead on a path even I didn't foresee, and finally feel that I am one whole being, alive in life.

My move was based on me wanting to separate myself from my mother, a necessary part of growing up and for my personal emotional health.  Then she jetted off to Haiti in November.  She's not returning till February maybe.  As I spent every Holiday somewhere other than home, I imagined that this is what happens when you no longer have any parents left, you lean on friends, you find a place somewhere, and wish you could be with the people who loved you the most.  It hurt, and initially the feelings were masked in anger and resentment, but I have moved on to a loneliness and searching.  I need someone to love.  Neither of my parents were equipped with the kind of emotive love that I so desperately desire to know, my father protected me, my mother encouraged me.  But I don't have a model of how to love on a basic level, I had no sibling from which to learn this ability, I feel like it is to my detriment.  At some point, all of my human relationships break down and I fill in the gaps with cold indifference.  That's my logic overcompensating.  I'm kind of like a computer and I don't compute certain emotions.  Not really.  It might seem dramatic but I need to learn how to love.  First though, I'll simply let go of 2009.

Heavy.

My thoughts are deliberate and scattered, like an aerial view of people milling about in a suburban mall. Intersecting, wandering, entering and exiting my mind, an endless carousel of life's musing. Some thoughts weigh heavily. I think of certain people and moments that stay suspended in my mind's eye. The atmosphere and emotions are all still so palpable yet just out of arm's reach, alive with tones, colors, sentiments.
I question if Benito was so hard to love because he actually dialed into me and knew my true character. Did I struggle with him emotionally because I was so exposed in his presence, his criticisms driving into my core? Or has he really been the most emotionally toxic person in my life the past 9 years? I believe a bit of both. That with his knowledge of me and his hold over my heart, he emotionally stagnated me and continuously regressed me to a past place, to an older version of myself. Our battle, our constant friction was the collision of our two realities. His interactions colored by an expired construct of who I am, me incapable of updating his perception, nor forgiving past hurt. I still feel this primal urge to run back to him. Am I banging my head against a wall because I like having headaches? I wonder. Perhaps I'm so love-starved I am jumping at whoever is offering, in desperation. I just know that Benito didn't earn my undying loyalty and love, I was just always giving of myself, to my detriment. And finally, when he tried to make up for all of these years, it was much too little, way too late.
I'm going to have to resolve myself to this conclusion and try to seek closure. I can't afford to keep revisiting these painful emotions. I stopped crying over Benito a long time ago, I am sad I made him cry over me, but I can't sacrifice any more of my heart for him. It was tempting to think that I could be happy with him after obsessing over the idea all of these years, but as so many dreams in life, the reality is never the same. I have to hold on to those feelings of rejection and hurt, and feed on them in my weaker moments, and move forward knowing I loved him imperfectly, for so long, and his chance to reciprocate came and went over and over. So the guilt is not mine to carry. And that is how I will sleep at night. Mind and heart a little less heavy.

Only When You're Lonely

I am an only child. No one else in this world has the same two parents, and no one ever will. My childhood was comfortable but instead of always being around cousins and having play-dates with friends I spent a lot of time alone, with my imagination. I'm thankful for my learned independence and ability to be completely content alone, yet I have considered how my singular adolescence has informed my interactions with people into adulthood. Let's be real, I can be very fickle and mood, distant and indifferent. My best girlfriend for 12 years, called her my sister, I got to a point of complete disdain with, and just cut her off w/o regard to love or loyalty. I'm never as emotionally attached as I seem, and in relationships, never really in love. My father raised me, a lot of times on his own, and affection was hard won. Those spare instances were so rare that the only time he said I love you twice in a day was the night before he passed away.

The Dating Game

This past week I've been compelled to join e-harmony & blacksingles.com. For some reason something told me to make myself more available to new people. Well the payoff has been swift and immediate. This evening I was contacted by a very handsome gentleman on blacksingles (sorry but e-harmony is a waste of money) and if nothing else he made me smile and gave me that feeling that I should not settle, as I have been dealing with all of these relics from the past. I also joined these sites with the hopes that I could connect and maybe befriend a few people from the Phoenix area, so that perhaps my social calendar wouldn't be as barren when I get there next year (one can dream, right?)

Writer's Block

I've really wanted to blog for a month now. I kept postponing it thinking that once I transfer my Myspace blog I'll be ready. But I printed out my Myspace for backup and it was well over 30 pages. There's 3 years of steady blogging trapped on the Space. Ugh, the thought of transferring each one is overwhelming. I have also felt like even though I've had emotional moments and deep thoughts and great events to discuss, something inside was keeping me from feeling so inclined. It's weird, but that's also how I feel about my own personal writing. My poetry, I haven't written a new poem in Godknowswhen. It's an uncomfortable feeling when people praise my writing ability and I think to myself I haven't written anything in forever. I feel like it's a disservice to myself and to the people that believe in my talent. Like why haven't I pursued any work in that field? I know I'm not the most motivated person but I should be doing more with the gifts I have. I'll try to work on that.

Anyhow quick re-cap of the past months since my FAB trip to Cabo.

-Came back from Cabo couldn't get back in the swing of work.
-I was approaching 2 years natural, but by the end of May, I had cut and straightened my hair into a fierce style but when it was curly, it looked a mess.
-I had to perm it. Since then, it's been a steady trip down short hair lane and now I'm on my Halle Berryyy, Halle Berry. I love it, I feel free and happy.
-I plan on going natural again and doing it right.
-Benito has disrespected me for the last time. I told him I would take his ass to court, he owes me a sum of money, and he has till April 2010 to pay me back. I feel no need to communicate with him anymore.
-The rest of my love life is uneventful. And summer is almost over! Boo-hunting on overdrive, lol!

::AZ 360::

I've already informed most of my close friends and now I'm discussing it for posterity. I'm moving to Arizona next year. Beginning May 1st my plan will be in motion and I will be in Arizona April, 2010. Ever since I discussed it with mom, and she responded with emphatic enthusiasm, my resolve has been solidified. I've been feeling ecstatic and relieved, and now I know that this is the best decision I've ever made. I've been feeling trapped in a rut for the past couple of years and continually disappointed that I have not returned to school. But what better way to kick start my life than a new state, a new start, and perpetual sunshine? Many people say why Arizona, why not ATL or Florida? Honestly I've always been fascinated by Arizona, the desert climate, the sunsets, the culture. And it's on the other side of the country, it's an adventure. I've been doing a lot of research and am not going into this blindly. I've lived on my own before but it was 7 years ago and I was young and stressed out. 26 is the perfect age. It means a lot to me. It symbolizes many significant milestones in my history. My mother was 26 when she had me, this year marks 13 years since my father's passing - I have lived exactly 1/2 of my life with him and 1/2 without. It boggles the mind. And for some reason, I feel like this year calls for a grand gesture, a daring choice. With all of that said, maybe I won't like it, maybe I won't succeed...New Jersey will always be here, that's a fact. I'm tired of Jersey, the winters depress me, and I feel like there's nothing to keep me here (of course I'll miss family and friends!). At least I'm making my life's story interesting and keeping the pages turning, and like my hair idol Jill Scott crooned "Living my life like it's GOLDEN!"

Take It On the Chin

Listening to Wendy Williams @ lunch today, she stated that studies show women with longer chins (a male trait) tend to be more promiscuous and less faithful due to more testosterone in their systems. I mean, I've never been loose but I also haven't been in any long term committed relationships. It makes me wonder if looking like my father has caused me to have some masculine values. Perhaps it's moreso because I was raised by him, and never was exposed to emotional vulnerability and tenderness...TBC...