Release

Let me take a moment to just let it all go.  365 days of life.  Is now another entry in the annals of existence.  And life goes on.  I have to be honest when I say, I don't know.  Am I still moving to Arizona?  Don't know.  Am I going to go back to school soon?  Don't know.  Will I find love and start a family?  Don't know.  I just don't have a clue, I don't feel the need to pressure myself with the gravity of all these answers.  I'm ok with not knowing.  The one certainty in life IS uncertainty.  I have learned this lesson many fold.  I think I am stuck in the past sometimes.  My mind is there, replaying my emotional lows, projecting those failures in my mind's eye, while my shell of a self goes through the motions in the now.  There's a disconnect.  I don't know how to be present in my life, because to me it's all so insignificant.  My job, my house, this new car, none of it matters.  My spirit is flickering, desperate for new places, new people, new sunsets, new moments of reflective silence.  I want to revive myself.  I want to forge ahead on a path even I didn't foresee, and finally feel that I am one whole being, alive in life.

My move was based on me wanting to separate myself from my mother, a necessary part of growing up and for my personal emotional health.  Then she jetted off to Haiti in November.  She's not returning till February maybe.  As I spent every Holiday somewhere other than home, I imagined that this is what happens when you no longer have any parents left, you lean on friends, you find a place somewhere, and wish you could be with the people who loved you the most.  It hurt, and initially the feelings were masked in anger and resentment, but I have moved on to a loneliness and searching.  I need someone to love.  Neither of my parents were equipped with the kind of emotive love that I so desperately desire to know, my father protected me, my mother encouraged me.  But I don't have a model of how to love on a basic level, I had no sibling from which to learn this ability, I feel like it is to my detriment.  At some point, all of my human relationships break down and I fill in the gaps with cold indifference.  That's my logic overcompensating.  I'm kind of like a computer and I don't compute certain emotions.  Not really.  It might seem dramatic but I need to learn how to love.  First though, I'll simply let go of 2009.