On the up & up...

Sooo, I know it's been a grip, but Comcast found me out!  I've had the free internet hookup for the past couple months, airythang was going smooth then BAM!  One day I come home and the Netscape screen was stuck on the comcast.net installation page.  I was hurt ya'll.  On the bright side I've had more time to be more productive since I'm not checking my friggin Myspace every 2 seconds.  But I do miss the net.  So I have two options, knuckle up and start paying the bastards, or try to get my hookup back online.

In more interesting news, I got a new job Tuesday!!  As of Nov. 6th, I will be working at David's Bridal in the non-bridal department, it's more than K&G plus commission.  It's a good look.  So now I can get my car fixed and save for school cause unfortunately it's not looking good for Spring '07.  I have to get my financial obligation to UMD cleared up before they'll give me my transcript.  So let's try for Summer '07.  What else?  Me and Benito are still in our strange platonic/pseudo-relationship bubble, but I'm also kicking it with my first love everyday with the texting and phone calls.  I'm supposed to see him Saturday.  Lord give me strength.  Some other juicy things have happened in the lapse of time but alas, some other time...gotta get ready for work (only 12 days left @ K&G!).

I've been a bad bad girl...

This is only for the people on my preferred list (meaning everyone can't read it) cause, it's pretty trifling.  Today after work Lenny came by my house, we went to Blockbuster and got two movies and proceeded to watch Click.  No sooner than 10 minutes into the movie, we're flirting heavy.  Then I kissed his neck, he kissed mine, then we kissed, then it was just the most heated foreplay ever in life.  He smelled the same as when we were 16 and all the memories came flooding back.  He told me he missed me and regretted the time we spent out of touch.  He also said that he's been thinking about me a lot sexually.  So we did a lot tonight.  Naw no sex, but as far as bases go, he got to third and we actually planned to bring it home.  But mind you, I talked to him about it before we even got all hot and heavy, I was like, you're a good guy, you've never cheated on your girl, why now, why me?  And really, I don't think he's gonna feel guilty, but for some reason I think I will.  And that fucks me up.  Cause we still have the same crazy chemistry, and I would drop it like it's hot on his ass in a heartbeat, but now that he's gone home and I have time to reflect and write this, it's like, do I really want to go down this road?  I feel like talking him out of it and keeping my distance.  We're not teenagers anymore, and his girl is a crazy Hispanic chick and I'm too young to get into a situation with this loca broad.  So there's a lot to think about.  But my gut, my most carnal instincts say, fuck it, he ain't married and he's a grown up too, so if he's down, motherfucker I'm DOWN.  I don't know, but I do know he's still the best kisser ever, the best smelling man ever, and I don't want to regret the decision we're making forever.

Good Frikkin' Times!

Today was a great day.  Only had to work for 4 hours, got off got ready to head to dinner @ this soul/Caribbean restaurant in Harlem called MoBay.  The food was rockin' but I kind of ordered something my mom makes at home all the time.  Still good, but a bit too safe and familiar.  Anyhow it's a great spot to take a date or have a girls night out.  The ambiance is perfect and the drapes and decor were, divine.  I met 7 people from my Mos Def forum.  Some people might not understand because they don't do forums, but any true fan of an artist is always somehow in the loop as far as keeping up with their careers.  So after dinner 6 of us went to a karaoke spot on 32nd that had private rooms where you could do karaoke with just your friends.  We were there for 2 hours, the time flew by.  I had a great time, having fun with genuine people from places as far as Toronto and California.  Our one common bond initially being the most beautiful boogieman, Mos Def, and now this priceless night of friendship and connections...good times people, good times.

Can I get a woop woop...

Got weighed and measured @ the gym today...I weigh...199lbs!!!!  I reached my first milestone!  I haven't been under 200 in more than 3 years!  I'm so proud and excited to continue my fitness!  I want to lose another 15 lbs and see where my body is then, and take it from there. These chicks better watch out, I'm becoming one bad b*tch...

PEN PAL

Yesterday I got a letter from a friend that's in prison.  I slacked off with our correspondence for like, 6 months, and finally wrote him 3 weeks ago, and the tone of his letter expressed his disappointment.  Yet he still cares enough to be encouraging and inspiring.  He wants to know when I'm going back to school.  Well all I have to do is get my transcript from UMD and write my personal statement and my app will be done, he wants me to be successful and not settle for my dead end ass job and this mundane existence I've carved out for myself.  Truth be told I like some consistency and not much excitement.  Considering the things I've experienced over the years, mundane is the best thing for me.
But he also said he's finally gonna live his life for himself when he's freed, and I thought about that.  Am I living my life for myself?  What are my immediate goals?  How can I achieve them?  I sometimes feel like I can't even be concerned with those kind of questions with the immense loneliness that's been weighing me down recently.  It's something I've internalized, but when I get home to my quite house and think in my head about who would console me with the way I feel right now, there's no one.  Except for maybe my pen pal, but he's got another 3 years.

Young Love

Sooooo, I saw my first love Lenny today.  I got off work @ 4 and he met me at my house after-wards.  He looks exactly the same!  Just older, more filled out, and beautifully handsome, like painfully, why-did-I-ever-fuck-it-up with you, gorgeous.  And he was still the same silly, adorable, lovable Lenny.  Which sucked cause he's not single.  And I fear he'll never be, and I'm not trifling enough to try to infiltrate his situation, so that's that.  Like what is to become of this patchwork of a friendship we've resurrected?  I'd love to have him in my life but he's just a painful reminder of all the negative karma and loneliness I've suffered since my days of young love.  It was nice spending time with him though, I was all giddy and giggly, the kind of soft and pink mess that be making me want to hurl, I was doing without any self-control, batting my eyes and all that bullshit.  And honestly, if we hadn't gone to pick up my girl Keisha, something inappropriate might have happened.  It was like, too much chemistry, and he was a bit too friendly, you know with the physical contact: the back pat, the leg grip...nigga you ain't slick, but I loved every juvenile minute of it.  Damn I miss being a teen.  If only I could get one take-back, that would be it.  And things might have just turned out so much differently...

What comes naturally...

It's crazy that I have been writing this blog faithfully for so long without doing what I do best, writing a poem!  So here goes something off the top:

Calluses build casually  
In the soft spaces of hearts
Days and nights transition
In the endless battery of time
Layers of unsaids mount
Without resolution as
Emotions are encased
Within the shell of constant
Friction and miscommunication
Heartless words are perceived as
Callous

October Here I Come!

Alright so maybe I didn't feel the heat last month, but I definitely feel that October is going to be an important month as far as accomplishing goals, tasks, attending events, and continuing my weight loss.  As it stands now, I started the online app for Rutgers Newark, but not the FAFSA, of which I think today was the deadline.  As far as the gym, I'm still consistent, I think my diet is taking a turn for the worst cause I'm eating more fast food and junk food again, so I'm about to get rid of all of my snacks and start The Fat Smash Diet ASAP.  I'm @ 202 now, so hopefully by the 21st I can lost at least another 5-10 lbs, that would be an achievement I would be very proud of cause I'd finally be under 200.  Also, I need to take a trip to Maryland but that's based on if I get a couple things on my car fixed.  I also have till the end of the month to get a new car insurance company and renew my registration.  Being a grown up sucks.  But I have to admit, I like responsibility, paying bills, I'm looking forward to the routine, of one day having a family, and I know that if I get focused and apply myself, I can conquer this month with style!