It's not them, it's me. It has to be. It's not that I'm completely dysfunctional, I just don't think I have enough of what it takes to sustain a healthy relationship. Sometimes I just don't care enough. Sometimes I don't trust enough, sometimes I'm not completely honest, and sometimes I'm insecure but outwardly flippant. I'm never convinced enough to put myself out there. And that brings me to this kind of lonely place. Over a month since the last time I saw Benito, 2 weeks since Andre and I fizzled out, and just a lot of quiet regrets and reflection. All of my close friends are convinced if he had the right credentials things would work out, if he was "worthy of me," then we'd have a chance. But who says I'm worthy. What makes me so incredibly advanced that the average Joe isn't enough. I'm a simple girl as far as it goes, I wouldn't get along with a high maintenance guy, at all. So I always gravitate towards non grads, even hood boys, but with a modicum of intelligence, no probably not as smart as me, but that doesn't guarantee anything either. I just think I need a vacation, to get away, get some perspective, and to return home with a more optimistic outlook. Yea, that's it, that's my theory; it's me, and I need to get away. Thoughts?
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This blog goes all the way back to 2005 and has postings from my old MySpace blog. It covers the majority of my 20s!
2 comments:
Xica said:
I feel you when you ask what you're bringing to the table..I think about that sometimes.. but then I have to check myself and ask myself what angle I'm coming from with that self-doubt. There are things I am working on and things I still need to work on, but I feel I'm ready and completely deserving of a quality and a meaningful relationship. I sometimes wonder what's the hold-up.. I take partial responsibility but I also accept where I'm at because I refuse to settle just for the sake of being with someone. (I'm not the a-relationship-validates-me type).. I believe that if you are consciously making effort to being a positive person, you have the RIGHT to expect nothing less from those who even attempt to court you.. and that's what these dudes should be doing.. courting you.
You acknowledging what you feel needs to strengthen is the first step. Ask yourself those tough questions of WHY you do what you do, WHY you say or don't say certain things.. I think the core issue is the insecurity you mentioned before... we all have it, but when it gets to a certain degree it's detrimental.
As far as how you think us, the people that ADORE you feel, no one is saying the "average" joe isn't enough.. what we ARE saying is that the dude with no aspirations, no drive, unable to motivate you, has a lack of respect for you, and not providing you the mental and spiritual stimulation you need in addition to the physical isn't enough! You are a great person -- yes, that's to me as a friend and I know things are different in a friend relationship and a partner relationship.. maybe in a partner relationship with you there might be more to be desired since you point out those "workable" flaws... but think of the key word.. they're "workable" flaws.. you can grow past those feelings.. I promise you. But until you do you won't get all the things WE feel you deserve. And I must note that just because a guy has goals, dreams, and aspirations, a degree or two or three. that doesn't mean he's high maintenance.. a guy with those qualities intimidates you so you put him in a category most down-to-earth girls just don't want to deal with.. so it makes you feel you're avoiding those QUALITIES (cause you know they're qualities) for a good reason.. almost like, "what would they really want me for?" ... right? (I'm guilty of doing that! .. I'm almost 100% over those garbage thoughts now though)..
You have the right to be selective and to be confident and feel like you deserve to be wanted genuinely by someone great.. We all should continually work on ourselves before we can expect something great from others and then continue to work on ourselves during the relationship (and if it doesn't work out -- after as well).. that goes for ALL relationships..
What would your vacation be? I think it should be a spiritual and self-searching vacation.. it can take place wherever you want but it to but won't happen in a day.
*sorry if my response is scattered and unorganized*
I LOVEES-A YOU!!
Jessie said:
I'll be damned if I don't get accused of "not caring" all the time. My biggest problem wit the female population is the inability to show emotion. What they think is that I don't care, what I know is that I pick and choose what to make a big deal of. As for as that complete honesty issue - I'm good for having that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude... probably because I feel that "What I don't know won't hurt me". As sick as it may sound, I feel like that people have reasons for holding back things that can be hurtful to someone... in particular your other half. If your other half screws around on you... but breaks their neck to make sure that you don't find out it - then dammit they do give a shit. If they didn't give a damn, they'd care less about you finding out about it. Sick, but true in my opinion. When you get married, that when the honesty thing is supposed to be solved. Married couples shouldn't have secrets. Still... I'm far from married. And hell, maybe you just as far from it as I am cuzzo. Do like me, maybe friends. Get with people. Shit, be in a relationship if you chose... just give out that disclaimer and let fools know that your attitude toward your other half is "to be determined."
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