2009. Deadline.

Oh my God. Is it really about to be 10 years into the Millennium? Have I really not finished or even gone back to school yet? I've been out of high school for 8 years. 8 years. It's all too much. If I really cared what people thought I would have died by now. But I am about to be 26, and am so comfortable in my own skin, and pretty contented with the mundane aspects of my life. I'm not delusional, trapped within the notion that your life's path is some predestined track you can never escape. I feel that the future is every choice you make, every day you move toward something, but it's never a defined end.

I never feel different when the new year comes. Never, I don't even know why I play along with the false enthusiasm and renewed motivations. It never lasts, things rarely change. I spent New Year's Eve home in my room, with my cat, watching the ball drop and not really caring. I was supposed to spend it with Benito. Yes BENITO is still in my life even 3 years later. I was just reviewing my blog about him in '05. I can't even justify it. It's a choice I keep making, it's leading me toward an undefined endpoint, I would LOVE to see exactly where that is.

I resolved to do a lot last year. Achieved 3 (registered to vote, went to many concerts, had a great 25th b-day). I still hover around 194, the last weight loss I achieved while regularly going to the gym. My goal weight has been 170 but

I am going to Cabo in 2 months

and would like to get down to 185-180 by then. I miss my gym. They closed this fall and I was just about to rejoin! My life's goal, if you want to know the truth, is to be comfortable, live in place with sunshine year round, and travel the world. Then have a family, and explore all that life has to offer. Just to live it up, have stories to tell, say that I pushed it to the limit. I don't want Macy's and living with my mom, that's not enough. I don't want lonely nights and still pining over Benito, either.

There are new people in my life. But none of them make me feel the way I feel just being around Benito, burning him a CD, us riding in my car listening to Boot

Camp. It's so simple and ever so complex.

BoA

Bank of America has siphoned at least 400 dollars of my hard earned money in the couple years I've been a customer.  Due to DAMN overdraft fees.  Yo $35 a pop ain't no joke.  And no, I would not benefit from overdraft protection because I just started using my savings and I can't trust that there will always be enough to cover me.  The thing that irks me though, and makes me feel like this whole system was intentionally designed to make me look like I am some irresponsible spender, is how one day you check your balance and are in the black, and the next day they have completely rearranged your purchases and laid it out so that you are out a GRIP.  It hurts and I physically react whenever I have to give this bank my money.  I have been doing so well.  But since I bought my tires my account was a little lower than usual, and bam!  They got me.  My advice, don't spend over a holiday weekend using debit/credit, it will not work out the way you figured in your head.  Painful, painful lesson learned.  Anyway, to lick my wounds and ease my nausea and feeling of helplessness, I bought a new phone!  I'm so glad I waited, last time I checked it on Sprint, it was $129 after rebates blah blah.  I got it for $99 straight out after $200 instant savings for upgrading.  It's a cute phone, (LG Lotus) QWERTY keyboard finally.  I'm gonna give my mom my old phone (originally hers anyway) so that I can throw her current one out of the window.

*Sidenote* Benito's back on the scene.  No comment.

'09 Resolutions

OK...soooo, '08 wasn't GREAT in the way that I had projected, but it was GOOD.  I accomplished 3 (register to vote, concerts, birthday party) of the 10 resolutions I made last year.  But FAILED terribly at the other 7:

2.  Learn to Sew

3.  Lose 17 lbs
4.  Fix up my Acura
5.  Get back into school
6.  Write more
7.  Read more
8.  Learn how to play the piano

These are still in effect for the new year.  What I will modify is that I am aiming to:

1. Fully pay off 3 or more of my bills by April (improve credit score).
2. A NEW CAR (most likely certified pre-owned).
3. Lose (at least) 10 lbs by March for my trip to Cabo! (I am currently 194 lbs).
4. Be more cultured (museums, plays, arts).
5. Re-design my bedroom! (new flooring, wall color, furniture pieces).

The things that I did not resolve to accomplish but I feel deserve honorable mention are that I only had sex 3 times this entire year.  Only one time was worth it (howudoin'), but atleast I thought about it each and every time.  Also, I have been at my new job for 9 months now and not having any issues (other than tardiness).  I have a positive self image and am considering relationships in a more serious way, slowly.  And I have maintained my natural hair with no intention of backtracking.  So I feel I have grown, and would really like to continue into '09 with strength, courage & wisdom.

 SWEEEET.

As Seen on T.V.

This month has been all about products that you've seen on T.V.  First, I was up at 5AM one night last week, having an insomniac moment, and ended up ordering The Wave by The Firm system.

After it processed I was like...did I just do that (Urkel style)?!  Then I decided that since the work-out system was on it's way (I'm sending it back b4 the 30 days though, trust), let me finally try Dr. Ian Smith's Fat Smash Diet.  I've had that book 4ever and all that's been stopping me is my anxiety with supermarket shopping.  It's a problem.

 

And finally, I was at Rite-Aid and bought the Ped-Egg (only $10).  I swear by that thing!  It brought the heels of my feet back to life!  I was shocked.  Passed it on to my mama.

 

  All of these purchases are in the hopes that I can get it right, get it tight for CABO SAN LUCAS in March (tryna drop that same 10-20 lbs).  Yes darlings, I'm going to Cabo for spring break with the travel buddies (Nia & Julisa)!  Can NOT wait.  I am so ready to soak up some sun and forget that my life is not where I want it to be.  This is the resort!  Viva MEXICO! 

I really think I'm going to move out of New Jersey soon.  I wanted to get everything together then settle somewhere else but now I feel like maybe I need a new start to get started.  Something I'm debating.

Every time I get into a relationship I immediately start to feel like I just trapped myself.  Maybe that's why I dealt with Benito so long, cause it was never anything official, I guess if it had been I would have ran away a long time ago.  I just have attachment issues, I feel like I love and care for Zackery but I still have a lot of walls up.  I don't know how to open up any more.  But he's so loving and different than the rest I feel that it's worth the effort, but it's not my natural instinct, at all.

Affirmative Action

Clearly, I haven't blogged in a grip.  I've been away from the computer living my life.  And when I did try to get on the space, my CPU was acting brand new.  So needless to say a lot of things have developed since I last blogged, I'm just gonna go down the line.

I met someone Oct. 18 and by Halloween we became a couple.  Things happen that way in life.  I can't explain it, it's not like we rushed into it we just don't want to date other people, so nothing else about our relationship is on the fast track it's just dating with agreed commitment.  I'm happy, it feels natural and uncomplicated, sincere and honest, and I love getting to know him and spending time with him.

Nov. 1st I went to NJPAC with the boo and saw Spike Lee & Terrence Blanchard (google him baby) and Terrence performed and conducted a lot of scores from some of Spike's more popular movies, that was a dope experience.  BILAL was there!

Yea, Barack man, (Xic, the PA trip was all worth it and I'm so glad it was with you because it was a terrible, wonderful , crazy/beautiful day!) I went to vote with my mom and as I watched CNN I teared up.  But it's like, I couldn't see him NOT winning, it was not an option.  So I am inspired to DO BETTER (Steph) in my life.  Other than that, still working for the man @ Macy's getting great discounts, and that about it.  I'll get back in the blogging swing.

Farewell

Aw damn, this is NO GOOD.  My gym, Contours Express, IS CLOSED.  I'd noticed that all the signage was down when I'd passed by lately, but thought nothing of it.  Today as I was walking to the ATM I passed the front and there the sign said CLOSED.  This gym saved me, brought me back from the brink.  When I first joined 3 years ago, I was 233lbs, I lost over 45 lbs thanks to that gym, and regained my self confidence and athletic stamina.  And now, after having fallen off for over a year, I was just considering rejoining to finally achieve my goal weight of 175 (I'm currently 190) and I don't even have a gym to join.  The owner Gwen, lives across the street from me!  I would ask her why but I can assume it just wasn't growing as a business the way she needed it to.  So my next options are Bally's and/or Jenny Craig.  I refuse to gain weight this winter, no hibernating storing up fat.  What I wanna do is get right then when it gets hot be like BAM.  What bitch.  LOL.  But we shall see, have to be motivated and dedicated, two things I lack at times.  Goodbye Contours, thank you for everything!!!

WOW.

So, when we last left off, I'd just had a cute convo with Mr. Rite Aid.  I went home, lit my candle, the week went on.  Mind you, I stopped at Rite Aid (2) more times this week trying to run into him, no dice.  It was getting to the point where I was thinking - what else can I buy in here!
Today I figured since it was Monday again he'd probably be there, and indeed he was!  I went in, grabbed some random stuff, and got on line.  He was standing in front of me and didn't notice me for a while then he looked back, did a double take, then asked me how I was, and asked how it went with my candle.  I tried to sound casual.  So that was it though, he initiated convo then it died.  So I left. 
Then I got home and felt stupid, even considered calling Rite Aid!!! Instead I called my homie Xica to confirm whether or not I should have asked him about his status.  She encouraged me to GO BACK to Rite Aid and ask him what the dealy-yo?  So I did.  Of course, he's not near the register, but the cashier is mad cool and I ask her if he's single she says I don't know let me go get him.  But it turns out he's in the back PRAYING because it's Ramadan and I wait...then get antsy and go to my car, and when I come back in he's walking from the back and I walk up to him and say can I talk to you for a minute.  We step outside, I  say I think you're very handsome, and ask are you single?
He replies, actually I'm...

WAIT FOR IT...

...

...

MARRIED.  Oh God the AGONY.  My heart actually sank and I felt embarrassed and was trying to back away towards my car as quickly as possible while simultaneously assuring him he didn't come off too harsh in his let down.  Oh the HUMANITY.  But he did say, you're very gorgeous and I would love to get to know you (if I wasn't married).

The moral of this story is, you'll never know if you don't speak up and find out.  Yea I might feel kind of silly for a while, but overall I'm really proud of myself.  I'm 25, if I can't go for mines now I never will!!  [Isn't that right Xica ;o)]

Rite Aid :o)

A couple years ago they built a 24-hour Walgreen's in the center of my town.  People were ON it.  Now every time, no matter what time of day or night, there's always a long ass line and one stank ass person ringing leisurely.  So I try to go to the now-forgotten Rite Aid, that's ALWAYS empty and has a nicer layout anyway.  But the real reason isn't b/c I'm in a rush to purchase Tampax, it's b/c of this gorgeous guy that works in there.  He is absolutely beautiful.  Just my type.  Perfect skin, beautiful chocolate complexion, nice facial features.  And then, one day, he was speaking creole to this woman and it BLEW my mind, Haitian?  Word son?  So I have never said a word to him or even looked in his direction too long, but I've always smiled to myself when I saw him in the aisles.  Today I was looking bummy, in some synthetic material sweatpants, and a black t-shirt and sandals.  I ask the cashier if they have candle lighters.  She asks him to get some, he comes back with 3 and then he says, you having a dinner?  I say naw just want to light my candle.  So he says, no dinner?  I say, are you cooking?  He says I don't cook.  I say, then we're not gonna eat!  He laughs, appreciating my quick humor.  I get rung up and he's over by the door and says "enjoy your candle."  Flirting like the dickens!  I couldn't help but tell my mom when I got in the car, he is soooooo cute!  I love Rite Aid :o)

Car(eless)

Yesterday, I was on track to being right on time for work, about to hop on the parkway, and my car just gives out on me.  Moms comes thru w/ 2 dudes in a pickup.  They give me a bump in neutral and I park in a lot up the block.  All weekend I've been picked up and dropped home.  I don't really mind.  But I am fiercely independent when it comes to getting from A to B.  You don't see me asking m-f-ers for rides.  Few and far between.  Some people need to have more discretion about that shit.  Just b/c I'm the ONLY person you know w/ a car doesn't mean you're the only person I know W/O one, LoL.  Anyhow.  OFF tomorrow, will be mobile ASAP, hopefully.  Being that I didn't have my car to run to for lunch and some Wendy Williams, I had to go the the staff lunch room ::gagg::  It's bad enuff Short Hills Macy's doesn't have ANY fucking windows on my floor, the lunch room is in the basement.  NAW SON.  I need sunlight and fresh air, REGULARLY.  So today I just went down, scarfed down lunch in record time, then tried to sit outside the Macys entrance - it wasn't going down.  Plan C: Starbucks.   1000 people decided my lunch hour was a great time to grab a double venti mocha frap caramel machia-latte.  But I snagged a seat in the lounge area and actually wrote a poem.  I might share it.  But it's not that great.  My mood has been up and down past couple of days but life is moving along whether I'm chipper or not.  Thusly, I'll get over it.  MAXWELL is coming up!  That's it until next time :o)

Growth

This is it, I am quickly approaching a year of natural hair!  Sept. 28 last year was when I cut off all of my old energy and past frustrations to begin anew.  And my hair has grown, honey!  It's been a pretty mild mannered year, too.  I think I finally released Benito from my heart and mind gradually this year.  Can you believe the next new year is only 4 months away???  WTH happened to '08 is great?  I feel like this year was a blur of work and socializing and Netflixing and now it's almost over.  Geez.  I had a boyfriend for like... .2 seconds.  Literally now though, he is my boy/friend.  We should have kept it that way from the rip.  It's just sometimes you let a situation dictate your actions and you don't listen to your gut, your first instinct is always the right one, even if it seems wrong, IT'S RIGHT.  So no love lost, just not meant to be.  I am about the same weight I was last year this time, so that's what's up, albeit less toned and in shape.  That will change soon, I promise you.

Next month (Oct. 9), MAXWELL @ Radio City Music Hall, I waited too long and couldn't even find seats next to each other, only singles.  Oh well, I didn't want to share my man w/ anyone anyway, lol.

My first vote in my first presidential election is coming up in Nov. and I'm staggered by all the political chess being played.  Some people like their politics straight up, no chaser (ME).  But that's the game, for now.  OBAMA will be mobbing all over these relics of a foregone time.  No one wants to hold up the old standards and traditions, society overall is yearning for newness, not some random chick from Alaska (sit down ma).


What else, I feel like everyday I am either growing emotionally, or professionally, even spiritually sometimes.  I'm years removed from past traumas and am no longer afraid of reliving some of my darkest moments.  With that firmly rooted in the distant past, I can propel myself toward the unseen future with no anchors of anxiety.  I feel that growing in me, a confidence and desire to aspire for my own greatness, which has always been waiting for me (you'll see what I mean one day).