Honestly...

I really thought last night was the end for me and Benito, I figured this morning I'd go to the gym, swing by his house early, take him to the bank for my money, maybe take him to work for the last time, and that would be that.  Around 2, when I'm usually about ready to head over his way he chirps me.  Mind you, I already cleaned him out of my phone, his caller id pic, his number in my txt list, all of it.  So I chirp back and he's like, "is there anyone around you right now," and I was like no, and he proceeds to apologize for last night admitting that he was mean and rude.  I responded with "uh huh."  I forgot he was off today so he says he's at the barbershop and I say "we need to talk Benito, forreal."  He says he'll come by later to burn a cd and we can talk then, and so I expect to hear from him later in the day.  I clean my room and cool out all day, and nothing.  So now I'm just pissed off because I thought I had an easy out last night and there he goes disappointing me again.
On another note, these two guys I met recently are both already getting on my fucking nerves.  Brenton turned out to be nice but too damn aggressive and not as hygienic as I expected, nothing worse than b.o. on a man.  The other guy Leonard seems cool but we haven't even chilled yet and he calls me mad times a day.  I ignored at least 8 calls from them collectively today.  I just didn't feel like making up a reason why I didn't want to go out, which was honestly because I wanted to be around for Benito.  As a result I spent my whole day in the house hating men all together, the new ones, the old ones, they all have one major strike, they're men.

There's never a right time to say goodbye...

Tonight was the night ya'll.  I went to pick up Benito, that's his real name, enough with the alias, what the fuck am I protecting his identity for?  Anyhow, went to pick him up and I was already pissed off about the last couple days because he had a fucking attitude and I was just tired of it, I have a life that has been on hold ever since I committed myself to being his personal chauffeur.  I really started to resent him.  So tonight he says to me, after I give him dead silence all night, what is the problem?, I'm like nothing.  He's like I hate when you act phoney with me that shit makes me not want to fuck with you, so I just came out with "THEN DON'T."  This nigga gon say, remember you said that, like Imma regret it.  I need my life back, my personal time, my heart.  I'm so tired of him hanging the threat of cutting me off over my head, so it's like fine then, DO IT.  Make my life easier.  I'm not your mother and lord knows I'm not your girl so why am I always going out of my way for you?  Fuck you, pay me.  So tomorrow he's gonna pay me back some money I lent him and that's that.  It is what it is, I didn't want it to end like this but fuck it, maybe it'll be easier for me to move on knowing what a dick he was and has been.  One thing you can say is that dude has been consistent.  So this is kind of the end of this chapter of my blog since I'll have to find new things to complain about, let's see what lies ahead now that I'll be Benito free.

Real Talk

This is straight from my heart and my gut.  I can't keep disillusioning myself with "Mr. Big."  Today I sent him a text asking if he was gonna come by and make his cd he wanted.  He didn't respond, so I went to church with a friend, chirped him while I was there, nothing.  Then we went to IHOP, chirped him there, nothing.  So then I sent him a text saying "what if I really needed something? It doesn't take much to chirp back, but don't worry about it, do what you do."  A few hours later, he chirps me with base in his voice.  He's like what was that crazy text you sent me, I'm like I was just trying to see what you were doing today.  There is such a double standard.  If he wants to do something or go somewhere or he's ready for work and he chirps me, he expects me to respond asap otherwise he leaves texts or messages asking what is wrong with my phone.  I know he doesn't care about me, cause if he did, he wouldn't do so many things that hurt me.  He wouldn't yell or curse, he wouldn't make me feel like I was irrational and overly emotional all of the time.  It makes me feel so weak and ashamed to feel as if I need him in my life.  WHY?  The small instances of happiness we share can never overcome all of the deep pain he's caused me.  He makes me feel inadequate and insignificant.  I hate that I care for him at all.  What kind of self-esteem issues do I have to tolerate this relationship.  I have never experienced as many emotional lows as I have these past few months that we have been back in each other's lives.  He tries to control the height of my feelings for him, always keeping me at bay and only letting me close when he wants to.  I can't suffer because of his emotional baggage.  I deserve love and respect and tenderness.  Especially that, because the more he makes me feel like I'm over-analyzing this relationship, it makes me cold and dead inside.  Ever since I met Brenton on Tues., I have felt like maybe it was all a dream, that someone could want to show me affection, and just be with me, with no mental demoralization.  I've been intentionally in denial of the fact that no one in my life likes him, and he makes himself the victim, saying that they don't know him only what I've told them when we were first dealing with each other.  He hasn't changed much.  And I still defend him, as if he would ever put himself on the line for me.  It's so embarrassing to know that I accept this kind of shit from anyone, when I am so strong in other areas of my life.  I can't keep holding on to him, he needs to get a grip on reality.  And I can't keep lying to him or myself about what an asshole he can be.  I just want some happiness in my life, I've been through so much the past couple of years, and if he's not going to contribute to enriching my life, I have to let him, and the idea of him, go, forreal.

Jealousy is a sickness...

Ain't this bout a bitch!?!  As soon as I start tryna date someone "Mr. Big" wants to give a damn.  I picks the negro/Spaniard up tonight and he's all like "how was your date?"  Mind you, all I told him last night was that I was going out.  So I was taken aback and thrown off and he starts in with the comments, "you meet someone and want to act all brand new," "I couldn't even go to Friday's cause you wanted to go to Friday's" (with him) etc.  I just laughed at him cause of course he was joking around, but also letting me know how he felt subconsciously, men are such babies.  Then when I was dropping him off he starts in with his Taye Diggs from How Stella Got Her Groove Back voice and had me cracking up, and then he asks me where did you go?  Then he's like never mind I don't want to know, then I tell him we just chilled on my porch and he's like you sped all over the place just to chill on your porch?  Man, he's funny.  I don't get it, you had the chance, I was all yours for the taking, don't be salty cause I'm tryna find some TLC, shoot.

Brenton the non-prep.

Good news people gooooood news.  I might not be breaking my abstinence streak but I might be gettin some TLC sooner than later.  I met this guy today @ Sandwiches Unlimited, people in the 973 know what I'm talkin bout.  Anywho, he works there, and while I was waiting for my chef salad I was looking @ him and thinking to myself, he's cute, but maybe he's Muslim, cause he had the little beard.  Anywho, I get my food and proceed out the door, mind you, I was looking pretty rough considering I was still in my gym clothes from earlier and I was in the process of doing laundry.  So he's outside the door and he hollers at me, and I'm like, say word?  So we exchange numbers and he's like lemme pick you up and take you out tonight.  Two winning context clues, CAR, and DATE.  Hello!  I'm @ work waiting for 9:30 like a mugg and hoping I can ditch "Mr. Big" ASAP.  Round 10:30 Brenton (who at first I thought was named Printon because of his Jamaican accent) rolled up in front of the crib.  He's really cute, we're bout the same height, he's slim but not skinny, sexual chocolate skin with white teeth.  On some Taye Diggs stuff, but much cuter.  And I can actually understand what the hell he says.  We kicked it on my front porch till bout 10 minutes ago.  He's going to Jamaica in the morning for his older brother's funeral and won't be back till Mon.  DAMN.  But as we chatted he kept saying how nice my lips were, and when we hugged to say goodbye, he said he'll taste my lips yet.  I was like sounds good to me!  So, I'm souped, obviously this is gonna be on pause till next week, but um, things are definitely looking up, SHABBA~!

Desperate times ---

Call for desperate measures:  I'm tired of being abstinent.  Like, it's so old.  No, really.   I don't really have an emergency dick in a glass anymore, cause I was so caught up in spending all my free time with "Mr. Big" that now I'm assed out.  I really don't see myself meeting someone new anytime soon and even getting down like that, so it's gonna have to be a throwback.  But who?  And how to breech the subject, and then, will I feel guilty or relieved?  And why can't I hold out?  I mean I've thinking about sex ALOT, and it's not a game anymore, moves need to be made, decisions finalized.  It's so tiring being "Mr. Big's" friend, it's like give me a break, we used to have sex all the time when we first met oh so long ago.  So what's the problem?  But it's on me to solve this dilemma, and to do it with stealth.  I'll keep ya posted.

Sex, Love & Money.

Ya'll already know, no sex in the champagne room!  But oddly enough, this dude I used to get it in with that I've know forever came into my job and asked for me, then came back in later when I was there, and didn't say more than 2 words to me, what was that about?  Cause if he's down, I do have an opening for a maintenance man, okay?!  And with the love, it's still "Mr. Big", and we argued over money today, cause I looked him out last week, and he hit me back today, but our totals were a bit different, so he called me nit-picky, but I was like, I was just being accurate.  But it's not even about me, he always finds something to argue about when he feels frustrated about his life. He says I read into everything too much, and I say, whatever-the-fuck ever.  I know one thing, I'm hungry as hell, and why am I still in my work clothes?!  Goodnight...

SICK

So I'm sick today, I feel like I have a fever and my nose is stuffed and I don't think being in my room is helping.  But other than that things are good.  I'm hooked on Justin Timberlake's new album, esp; My Love, Lovestoned, What Goes Around, and Futuresex Lovesounds.  The whole album is excellent though.  He is bringing the THUNDER!! The release date is tomorrow but I've been bumping the Limewire hookup all weekend.  And guess who stole it from me?  "Mr. Big"!  I had to make a back-up copy.  He told me tonight not to tell anyone he liked the album, I rolled the window down and was like, "hey everybody..."  It was cute.  Anyhow, I'm still totally in love with him, he acts so tough around some people but he's such a geek, and he always shows me that side, and I know it's a privilege.  Anyhow, I need to rest up, got ish to do in the AM.

The Flintstones

Man, "Mr. Big" is living in the stone ages, he was talking about if we were married how I'd be at home cooking him dinner every night.  I don't even cook.  He was like, how we gonna eat then?  I'm like man, listen.  Then he was like his daughter would never play basketball for a team, cause he wants her to be a lady, then started on the schpiel about why women aren't feminine anymore yada yada.  I was like and this is the man I'm considering a family with...lawd have mercy.  I'll learn him yet, but @ the same time I was kinda turned on when he was talking all that archaic you woman, me man stuff...is that wrong?

OFF & ON

Tonight is the last night of my 3 day vacation from work, not intentional, they just scheduled me that way.  I enjoyed the break, Monday I went to the West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn, and it was the first time me and my mom have spent some quality time together in a while.  I love her so much, she's more full of life @ 49 then she was when I was younger, but she's always been a free-spirited fun mom, I'm so thankful that I got her personality and spirit.  Yesterday I chilled all morning then I took my brother to get one of his daughters from daycare and then I went to the gym and went to his mother's house afterwards to chill out, his other daughter was there and she's just so pretty and tall for a 2 year old, I told him "you're in for a world of trouble daddy daycare."  But I had a great time with them and his mother cooked some slamming string beans and meatloaf with carrots and onions in it.  Today was laid back too, I went to the gym, then I visited with my cousin Kyon whom I haven't seen in so long.  He's been my favorite cousin since I was 13.  That summer my father passed and I stayed with my great aunt Cherry in Newark the whole summer while my mom handled everything.  Anyhow, I was never fashionable or able to afford brand names and I remember he gave me some Armani jeans of his that fit me.  I loved him from that day on.  Now he's 30.  Time flies.  I also stopped by my uncle's house and watched some stuff On Demand, since I only have basic cable.  So, tomorrow it's back to work, back to going to the gym in the morning, and the same ol' same ol'.  Ahh well.

SHANIKA BALDWIN IS STILL A BITCH.

After she requested to be my friend,
I sent her this message:
"What you want to be my Myspace friend for, we're not even friends in real life. "

She replied:
"First of all... I dont even have your number. This is the first time I have seen your face in 4 years. You aren't on facebook so I didnt know how to contact you. But its cool Pascalle. I just wanted to see if you were cool but I see that even after 4 years, you haven't changed much. Have a good life."

I replied:
"Firstly, I was merely pointing out the obvious. You can spare me with the "I see you haven't changed" romp b/c you don't know me like that anymore. I sent you the message because if you wanted to get in touch you know many people that I know that have my number, Jesse and Jessie. And you could have just as easily sent me a message as opposed to a friend request so stop acting like you're the bigger person. I will have a good life, thanks."

AND THEN THIS BITCH SENT ME THIS AND BLOCKED ME. LIKE I'M BEAT FOR HER PUNK ASS:
"U know Jessie too right? U coulda called me too right?? U know where i live right??? I've been in NYC for 4 fuckin years getting my shit done. I just found out u were on myspace cuz like i said... u arent on fb. But its whatever pascalle. I DONT CARE! Please stop contacting me. If u didnt wanna accept the request all u had to do was it reject. WTF??? Please, go do something with ur life. Go get a DEGREE instead of starting myspace drama. PLEASE... DONT SEND ME ANYTHING ANYMORE and like i said... good luck with ur life."

WTF does me not finishing school have to do with anything?  I'm sorry but, if I see this bitch in life it's gonna be a misunderstanding.  Trust.

So anyway, right...

Not much going on really, just excited about Labor Day, going to the the Caribbean Day Parade in BK (Xic call me about that)!!!  And hmm, as soon as I get my car fixed I'll be heading down to Maryland (Steph I'll keep ya posted!) and errr um, me and "Mr. Big" aren't having any drama, things are about as exciting as all this rain.  But, I have maintained my gym routine, I haven't started my diet yet, and I'm still experiencing a voluntary drought.  Soooo anyway right...