Real Talk

This is straight from my heart and my gut.  I can't keep disillusioning myself with "Mr. Big."  Today I sent him a text asking if he was gonna come by and make his cd he wanted.  He didn't respond, so I went to church with a friend, chirped him while I was there, nothing.  Then we went to IHOP, chirped him there, nothing.  So then I sent him a text saying "what if I really needed something? It doesn't take much to chirp back, but don't worry about it, do what you do."  A few hours later, he chirps me with base in his voice.  He's like what was that crazy text you sent me, I'm like I was just trying to see what you were doing today.  There is such a double standard.  If he wants to do something or go somewhere or he's ready for work and he chirps me, he expects me to respond asap otherwise he leaves texts or messages asking what is wrong with my phone.  I know he doesn't care about me, cause if he did, he wouldn't do so many things that hurt me.  He wouldn't yell or curse, he wouldn't make me feel like I was irrational and overly emotional all of the time.  It makes me feel so weak and ashamed to feel as if I need him in my life.  WHY?  The small instances of happiness we share can never overcome all of the deep pain he's caused me.  He makes me feel inadequate and insignificant.  I hate that I care for him at all.  What kind of self-esteem issues do I have to tolerate this relationship.  I have never experienced as many emotional lows as I have these past few months that we have been back in each other's lives.  He tries to control the height of my feelings for him, always keeping me at bay and only letting me close when he wants to.  I can't suffer because of his emotional baggage.  I deserve love and respect and tenderness.  Especially that, because the more he makes me feel like I'm over-analyzing this relationship, it makes me cold and dead inside.  Ever since I met Brenton on Tues., I have felt like maybe it was all a dream, that someone could want to show me affection, and just be with me, with no mental demoralization.  I've been intentionally in denial of the fact that no one in my life likes him, and he makes himself the victim, saying that they don't know him only what I've told them when we were first dealing with each other.  He hasn't changed much.  And I still defend him, as if he would ever put himself on the line for me.  It's so embarrassing to know that I accept this kind of shit from anyone, when I am so strong in other areas of my life.  I can't keep holding on to him, he needs to get a grip on reality.  And I can't keep lying to him or myself about what an asshole he can be.  I just want some happiness in my life, I've been through so much the past couple of years, and if he's not going to contribute to enriching my life, I have to let him, and the idea of him, go, forreal.