Only the Lonely

Being lonely is a state of mind. I went to the Talib Kweli concert by myself tonight and only felt alone for about an hour. When the concert started, it didn't matter that I was dolo, because everyone was rocking with Talib. So I took hella videos of him and had a good time. His DJ is extra cute:

Two shockers of the night. I know that hip-hop is mainly supported by our melanin-free brothers and sisters, but I could count on one hand the black people that were in view, not counting the negros on stage. It was really disheartening. Not only that but I was completely surrounded by white girls, which is worse than dudes, cause it was painfully obvious they were there to be seen by the dudes, flicking their fucking hair in my face and shit.  And this white kid was smoking weed behind me and tried to be slick and exhale on my arm.  I told him if he blew anything else on me I would fuck him up.  Anyhow, as far as the crowd make-up, I bet Talib feels some type of way about it too. He comes back to NY, to do shows, and sees no black or brown faces. TRAGEDY. Anyhow it reminded me of a poem by Dahlak Braithwaite, Peculiar Evolution @ 1:44

...it was life imitating art. Psh.Anyhow, the coat check line was longer than a line for free crack, so while waiting I spotted an actor that no one else on the line knew

(Anthony Mackie), he's still under the radar so I guess that's not so much of a shocker as a nice surprise.  So that was my night.  I had a good time, with myself, in my own company, and I'm really happy about it.  I also jammed out to soca the whole trip home!  Can't wait for next Labor Day to JUMP UP!...

New Year's Resolutions (Why Not!)

Alright so I wake up early for no reason and I’m looking @ my calendar and there’s 6 days till Christmas, and 12 till New Year’s.  It’s time to make some resolutions*, if for no other reason than to see what mattered to me at the end of ’07.

1.  Completed 1/8/07 Register to Vote (I know, I’m almost 25, but fortunately the Democrats took NJ last time around so I didn’t feel that bad, but this year is crucial)...helloooo Jury Duty!
2.  Learn to Sew (for some reason I am dying to learn, maybe b/c I love Project Runway)
3.  Lose 17 lbs, that would bring me to my final weight loss goal of 170lbs :o)
4.  Fix up my Acura, or just get a new car all together (either new or certified pre-owned dammit!)
5.  Get back into school (and everything involved with that saga)
6.  Write more
7.  Read more
8.  Learn how to play the piano
9.  I had a surprise b-day party 2/9/08!!  Do something cool for my birthday
10. 3 in March alone!  Go to more concerts!!!

’08 is going to be a good year anyway...I can feel it!  ’08 is grrrrreat!!

*I’m highlighting things as I complete them

Pro-choice about being Pro-life?

I'm watching a documentary called Unborn in the USA about the pro-life movement and the way that they target college campuses and the influence of religion on their crusade and I'm just wondering how you feel about the abortion issue.  I generally am pro-choice but in my own life I am pro-life.  Although I did use the morning after pill twice which to me is a gray area and a debate in and of itself.  I was thinking about it the other day, if that Plan B had not been available to me in June, I would be expecting a child in a couple months.  That's crazy.  But say I took it and still became pregnant, I would not have aborted it, is the point.  Anyhow, I feel that being a woman makes me heavily biased and it's really frustrating that in so many instances men are on the front lines of this issue.  How do you stand on the abortion issue?

Stick to the Script

"All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - Shakespeare

There are so many times in life when you have conversations with people and you feel as though you are simply enabling someone in avoiding the obvious. Why do people beat around the bush? Why not be direct and honest, it saves everyone involved time and energy and I feel, promotes a healthier relationship. I crave honest people, someone who will say to me exactly what it is they want within the first minute of a dialogue. I believe that it makes me more inclined to concede to their desires. A good friend of mine, Jesse, I call him my brother, well his brother is a mechanic. Alex always knew why I was calling him, one day I called him for some car related issue and I say you know I only call when I need something, and we share a laugh and he says something to the tune of and that's why I like you. It's easier in my humble opinion, to be direct, straight no chaser, cut to the quick, and move on with your life. I am rarely ever as straight-forward as I wish everyone in my life would be, although in my mind while experiencing the procrastination of others, I have already wrapped many a conversation up with a pretty little bow. I know why you called, I know what you want, so just say it already and I can decide whether or not I want to help. This is one of my peeves in life. It may seem insignificant in the pantheon of things that annoy me but actually it lies at the very heart of my interactions with the world.

Revert

This union is finite
Moving towards a linear end
A gauntlet I've found
The challenge is the danger
The danger is the adrenaline
Can I only begin again
At each end
The course disappears
As we reset
The curse reverts

It's about that time

I guess it's time to look for a new job.  Only 3 months of unemployment left.  Got some things cleared up.  Not school unfortunately, but bills are in order.  Lounged around, did what I wanted, but have basically been bored out of my mind.  So I'll pull up my socks and see what's out there.  Psh.

He’s Baaaack.

Yes folks.  Benito is back.  Sunday morning.  9AM, I get a call but just miss answering it.  Low and behold, it is he.  I call back and he says to me, I need a favor.  I'm kinda bumbed from jump but then he says, do you know any places that fix flat tires.  Like for your CAR?!  Yes indeed.  This negro not only got a car, but it's the same year and make as mine.  I'm so happy for him.  He's been fixing it up getting it set so that he can go to school in Jan.  His drive is inspiring (so is him driving!).  2 months ago he never mentioned school.  I can tell he is really happy, it doesn't take much.  Anyhow, let's focus, he comes and picks ME up in HIS car and we look for an open tire spot.  No dice, it's cold as hell and snowing, and Sunday morning.  He runs downtown w/ his boy and they find a spot while I take a nap at home.  Then he says he needs to do laundry but has never done it at a laundry mat!  So I show him the ropes there, he takes me to get something to eat, to walgreens and then home.  He was going to smoke in his car but he saw how I tensed up and said he would do it after (so sweet).  But most of the convo was light stuff, jokes about how the tables have turned.  He said he missed laughing with me.  And then, when he was dropping me home, he just came out and said: I love you Pascalle, I really do.  I couldn't help it, I said it right back.  Why?  Because I do, I always have people!  Or have you not been following the blog saga?

WTF?

Back to my brother and this drama.  He pawned the ring and then proceeded to take a bus to AC and gamble 4/5 of it away.  And I'm supposed to be supportive of his situation.  That was a slap in my face as far as I'm concerned.  I spent a good amount of money trying to make sure he was good and he just blows what little money he had just gotten.  So when I picked him up from the train station I gave that negro what for.  I told him I felt like he didn't give a fuck about what was going on in his life and I barely wanted to let him stay with me.  I was backing into my driveway and he got out of the car and walked away.  I'm sorry that you can't handle how I feel about the situation but I'm tired of letting you fuck up and sitting idly by, being the good friend, the go-to friend.  I need to be the real ass friend, that's my new role.  So I let him walk, at 12:30 in the AM, in the cold.  I called my mom and started crying out of frustration.  She said let him walk, you're not his mom.  After 11 years, I can't be responsible for him when shit isn't working out, it's not fair.  ESPECIALLY if you're not going to try to make things right.  Like I said to my mom (then immediately apologized) it's so FUCKED UP.

Yea, I almost forgot.

Drought is over.  Spent most of yesterday with my boy Marcus and I'm good now.  I almost forgot how little sex does for me.  I mean I'd really almost forgotten all the angst and anxiety of it all.  He's a good guy and if I was really sexual I guess it'd be good times, I'm just not though.  He was so close to being ticked off cause I was saying shit like, naw, I really don't want to do that, I haven't stretched, put your boxers back on b4 you lay in my bed nekked, thanks.  But I am in control of sexual encounters these days, I spent too much time obliging to what a nigga wants, fuck that, tough noogies my dude, thanks for the good time though.

Well, I wasn’t going to mention this but...

I saw Benito yesterday morning.  It wasn't monumental or a big deal by any means.  He'd taken some pics of Boot Camp when we went to see em in Aug. and I'd never gotten them developed.  So I just recently did and I decided to mail them to him since yesterday was his 30th bday.  You know, it's the principality, those are his pics.  But b4 I mailed I realized that perhaps he might have moved b/c of some circumstances and I didn't want them to be lost in limbo.  So I dug his number out of my mental Rolodex (it's like burned on my brain, psh) and called.  No answer.  I left a defensive yet casual message (to the tune of; I'm not calling for whatever reason you might think, just wanted to mail these pics, let me know if you still live on such and such).  Well he called back yesterday morning and was like you don't have to mail them just drop it by.  You know today's my bday.  I said I know like a jerk.  Anyhow he came out of the house and I opened my car door but didn't get out, he took the card and that was that.  It was awkward.  He was like I'm waiting for my boy to go pick up my car (finally!) and I'll call you later (for what dude? thankfully he didn't but I was apprehensive all afternoon).  And he was like this is my new number, this from the guy who told me 2 months ago that I'm out of his life for good.  Whatever.

Am I selfish?

Yesterday my brother called me saying he needed to go to a pawn shop and that he wasn't in a good way.  So I got into sister mode, went and got him and we went to the shop, the price they were offering was low so we went to IHOP to see what other options he had, we came back to my house to do some research and see how else you can sell an engagement ring but eventually we gave up and just chilled the rest of the day.  He ended up sleeping over (which is nothing out of the ordinary).  Although yesterday I told him I wasn't doing anything today, my boy Marcus called this morning cause he wanted to come through and kick it.  I haven't seen him in a grip and he could have been just what the doctor ordered to end my drought.  But no.  My brother is like well can I stay in mommy's room while he's here.  I'm like no can't you go to your dad's or to one of your boys houses?  No, everyone is out of town and his pops isn't having it.  Beyond the fact that he's gained back 1/3 of the 120 lbs he lost last year, it's clear he's depressed, no job, and him and the fiance' are beefing.  But I want to chill w/ Marcus, but he's like I have no where else to go.  So I had to call Marcus back and cancel.  I was so pissed off I went to sleep just so I wouldn't say something fucked up.  Am I selfish?  Or is he wrong for not telling me the whole situation yesterday.  So now I'm stuck in the house w/ his ass on a perfect day to be booed up.  This sucks. 

Such is Life.

In every relationship I go into, there comes a point where I inevitably have to tell that other person my one big issue.  And each time has been unique unto itself and the person involved.  And the last time was the very worst and I am still coming to grips with the aftershock.  But I am getting to a point where I'm not even sure that the emotional strain on me is worth whatever unknown outcome.  Should I just stick to my circle that already know everything about me and keep it moving or still be open to new relationships?  I just tried to open up to a friend tonight and he made it so difficult and as if it was his hardship that I was like dumbfounded.  Never has anyone been so dramatic before I spilled the beans, I mean really.  And still he does not want to know.  And I'm like well whatever it's not something I like revealing anyway.  Such is life right.  It's just not fair though, because I can tell I've changed my entire outlook on relationships because of my experience and it sucks.  It's not fair to me or any prospects.  I don't even know how to describe the alienation of the truth at times.  How I have to will myself to be honest every time, how I wished I had no character at all and could live my life with a different mentality.  But I am so very thankful for friends like Terrence and the such, who have shown me that being yourself pays off and the people who are meant to be in your life won't make it difficult for you to be comfortable in your own skin.  And I am now seeing that these facts make it easier for me to disclose the things I keep closest to my vest because I have faith in people on a whole.  Sometimes.    

Trouble, trouble...

Lenny is coming to chill with me tomorrow.  If you have no idea who this is, dig through my blogs, I know I've had a couple about him, some are only for my preferred list, howyoudoin!  Anyhow he was my first love and is a good friend now, we've tried to keep it platonic since he lives with his BM but he makes it his point to call me and visit.  So at some point I'm like fuck it and I will only feel as guilty as he does.  Now.  Tomorrow I plan on watching movies with him.  What does he plan on doing?  I wonder...

Word Trap

Resisting my calling
Subsequent labeling
Poet - wordsmith
Truly no more than a
Butcher with flourish
Lassoing words once unformed
Limitless in the expanse
Dragged down by my very thoughts
Pinned between page and pen
So foreign their containment
Doomed to be perused endlessly
By some disengaged scholar
Now inspired to perform
Massacres on a grander scale

-Pascalle Arnold

I Remember

When I was 11, my dad took me to the movies, this is the only time I can remember him doing this, and we watched 3 movies, back to back, we just kept coming out and getting another ticket for something else.  I always remember one was The Shadow, I think the other was The Lion King, and who knows what the 3rd was, but I did some research and Crooklyn came out that year so maybe it was that.  Anyhow that's not the point.  The point is little things like that, movie marathons, playing Sega CD with him, having Minesweeper battles, still remind me how cool of a guy my dad was.  I'm grateful he was a computer geek and a kid at heart, he was a simple guy and he wasn't too talkative but he was very eloquent.  I am his daughter in so many ways, and this morning I find myself missing him a lot.  But I've been having some movie marathons of my own lately, and whenever technology allows me to do something cool I always wish he was here cause he'd be so impressed.  He couldn't imagine downloading movies in an hour and watching at your leisure.  I remember specifically one day he was reading the paper and talking about this new technology called DVDs and how it was going to revolutionize things!  Anyhow, when Lord of the Rings came out I really wished I could have watched them with him, and shared other milestones that defined my childhood and our relationship.  The lasting memory is that he loved me, and had his own way of showing it, but the most important way, was that he was always there for me.

Intimacy

I'm just coming off of a romantic movie marathon :  The Notebook (OMG, soo beautiful), In The Land of Women (why did Meg Ryan get plastic surgery? so upsetting), and The Holiday (loved it).  Now I'm thinking about my drought and wondering if sex is what I actually need  Perhaps I'm just lacking intimacy.  Which would heal my heart in a way that a sexual escapade never could.  Benito's birthday is this month.  I feel like writing him a letter, not an I miss you or can we be friends again letter but a I just want you to know how I feel will never change no matter how much we hate each other letter.  I have a feeling he's going to be moving soon b/c of some circumstances and I fear we'll never be able to reach one another again even if we wanted to.  I don't know I'm probably being dramatic, but when we had our last break he told me he would drive by my house often.  And of course my mind kept asking why didn't you ever come to the door, or write me, or something.  That's just him though.  Anyhow back to the topic at hand.  Intimacy.  Ahh what an illusive concept.  Yet and still I think I'm going to take a moment and write some thoughts defining what it is for me.

When you snore abrasively, I sleep harder
The comfort of your chest will not surrender it's hold
The moment will not allow
For shallowness
So I drown out the sound
You play in my mane
Fingertips dance among young tendrils
I am defenseless
Your hand curves around my lower back
Respectfully resting upon my waist
When you realize you've strayed below
You will your hand to a more congenial post
And we sleep
I rub your stomach which you hate
Exposing all of your insecurities
I know this because I feel the same
When someone rubs mine
Though you and I are merely friends
The closeness I feel when we embrace
Is the purest form of intimacy
Unsoiled by physical conquest
With you I am safe and myself
With you I share myself
With you I know
I am not by myself
In the way that I feel

-for Terrence

Breaking Point

I guess I should categorize this under Life (Myspace reference), cause it's not about Romance but good ol' SEX  But I'll just act like that's part of relationships and keep fronting.  Anyhow.  Once again, I'm trapped within an involuntary drought.  5 months!  At this point, I've been seriously considering getting back in touch with my old jumpoff.  I kind of played him to the left when I was dealing with Benito but now it's like...times are kinda rough.  I have someone else who really wants to help out my situation but I don't want to go there with him, I don't like him enough to even have casual sex, you know that means he's a jerkbody, maybe at some point I'll be able to get past his arrogance (doubt it).  It just sucks though, cause the last time was with Justin, and we had such chemistry, that now I don't even want to if it's gonna be sub-par.  TRAGEDY.  What's a girl to do?  Let me go find Mr. Jumpoff's address...lol.

Lyrics to Go

Lyrics like this make you want to write a great poem:

"Not About Love"
by Fiona Apple

The early cars
Already are
Drawing deep breaths past my door
And last night's phrases
Sick with lack of basis
Are still writhing on my floor

And it doesn't seem fair
That your wicked words should work
In holding me down
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

Conversation once colored by esteem
Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood
Took a vacation, my palate got clean
Now I could taste your agenda
While you're spitting your cud

And it doesn't make sense
I should fall for the king-craft of a merit-less crown
No, it doesn't seem right
To take information
Given at close range
For the gag
And the bind
And the ammunition round

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

What is this posture
I have to stare at
That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight
Change the name of the game 'cause he lost
And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late
But I'm not being fair
'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth
But I'd like to choose right
Take all the things that I've said that he stole
Put 'em in a sack
Swing 'em over my shoulder
Turn on my heels
Step out of this sight
Try to live in a lovelier light

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I cant stop falling out

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact i cant stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

Flash Focus

I hate the term falling out of love.  To me it's not an actuality.  What I believe really happens is that you slowly begin to forget love.  Just like grieving never ends yet the pain is slowly forgotten.  I miss Benito.  I can't help it, our function was dysfunction but that's the only taste of love and passion I've had thus far.  Yea I've been emotionally scarred by him but I've learned a lot.  Strangely the flashes of memories that come to me are all quite random.  The night he called crying saying he was a fuck up and apologizing about something messed up he'd done, how I was so worried b/c I've never heard him cry, better yet weeping so shamelessly.  How he ended up watching ESPN in my room and I fell asleep in the nook, on his chest.  How I held that happiness inside that night, and wished it could always be that way.  His power over me was so intimidating and daunting at times.  I had to muster up courage to be honest and strength to hold back cruel words.  I had to love.  Now I have to let go, again.  I think about his smirk, and his tone when he was feeling vulnerable, how beautiful he looked after a haircut, in this powder blue t-shirt he wore to sleep.  His walk.  And all the moments when I feared or loathed him have already faded away.  That amazes me, saddens me, suspends me in a false sense of nostalgia which should be utter relief.  But I could never bring myself to focus on his negatives forever.  I honestly hope that one day years from now he'll think of me, and whatever emotions he feels, smile.  I know I'll doing that for the rest of my life ::sigh::

I have my ways...

...I know this about myself.  But lately I've been feeling like I've been losing brain cells from all of my non-activity.  I mean yea I'm a homebody and I love to sleep but this is ridiculous.  My sleep schedule is all fucked up, up all night, waking up in the afternoon.  Nothing to show for these two months on unemployment.  Haven't worked out my school situation or even written anything of interest.  Just watching the seasons change and wondering if I have at all.  I've been saying I wanted to start walking so that I could maintain my weight loss, but no, I keep using the fact that I haven't bought an IPOD as an excuse.  Psh.  Nobody can feel as bad about the things I haven't accomplished as me.  Trust.  But I don't operate off of people reminding me of shit I'm not doing.  I'm not out there fucking my life up, it's just not moving forward at a rate most people would be comfortable with.  In the bigger picture, like my brother Brad always says, I'm good.  I have a lot of things that people my age won't have for another 5-10 years.  So just let me do things in my time.  Otherwise I won't do them at all, and still be happy.  Cause I'm not about living my life to please others anymore.  Naw pimpin, I'm not the one.

Top 5 T.V. Commentaries

5. So yea, I keep missing ANTM, it doesn't look that interesting but I love that there's so many black girls this season!
4. I love watching wedding shows like Married Away now because I have more knowledge of that industry.
3. If you like Frasier, it not only comes on The CW but also on Lifetime after midnite, great for insomniacs.
2. Marathons are awesome because: you can miss an entire season of a show (FX's Damages), catch the marathon, get sucked in just in time to catch the season finale and look forward to next season like you've been a fan all along.
1. I am so pissed off at Sandy aka Pepa from The SaltNPepa Show.  Bitch is you crazy?  A nose job?!  For what? - so you could go into witness protection! I barely recognize you, you dumb, dizzy broad.
1a. I have never given more than two seconds thought to Irv Gotti, but watching his VH1 show (Gotti's Way) makes me like him so much, he reminds me a lot of my boy Marcus, light skinned and loveable.

The Softer Side of Blogging

Today I feel like taking a trip down memory lane. With a twist. Revistiting some past loves and the music that will forever be tied to our times together. Let's begin. Well, definitely have to shout out Reggie T., who taught me the importance of mood music, I dedicate this Ginuwine song to you:

Moving on to more recent liasons, and very old flames all in one, Benito, my one and only kryptonite, the one person who shared my same feverish love of music and interest in it's particulars. Someone who could have made me so happy but consistently mad me so sad, I dedicate, of course, a Boot Camp classic:

Now, onto the last year. I was ahead of the curve with the Rich Boy phenomenon because of my short lived romp with you, Andre, good times though, bad timing, but still I dedicate a song that you were all over long before heads were buying Cadillacs, lol:

There's so many more guys and songs and memories attached to them, but I'll wrap this blog up with Justin, who, I really fucked up with, and, I hope can one day understand, but, who loved Lil' Wayne (I still can't get with him like that) and so I dedicate this last joint to you. It's crazy how a song or a show can bring you back to those happy moments with a person, but it's also a gift because many of those moments are forever lost in the annals of time:

Smoke in the City

I'm having a Carrie Bradshaw moment.  I'm just thinking about life - mainly relationships, trying to connect some dots.  I've had some conversations with folks and I've concluded that most of us in our mid-20s are finding that those instant attractions and chance meetings are becoming fewer and farther between.  I agree wholeheartedly, when I was 18, I had a starting line and kept the rotation moving.  Now I feel it's partially a slow down in my lifestyle not being in school and also that as I age I just have less tolerance for certain personalities and situations.  The older me is less inclined to be gassed that a dude in some dimmed club is shooting game.  The older me isn't intimidated or caught up in phone conversations.  The older me isn't impressed that you are good looking, and much less easy going about being the sole means of transportation. 

Is the older me jaded? 

Naw, I would say I am wiser and have developed my convictions enough to know what I am not beat for, finally!  Yet I do miss the cavalier way in which dating just managed itself.  Now I think maybe I have to be more proactive.  Hmph.  So not excited about that.

Because I’m too old for that shit, that’s why.

Man, long story short, my brother Dontes tried to kick it to me.  It made me uncomfortable.  I would have loved that kind of attention when we first met two years ago, but now that we've established such a close relationship in the complete opposite direction, it's like what's the point now, I'm actually over that attraction.  I'm so tired of younger dudes kicking it to me.  I really don't care how fine or mature you are.  I'm about to be 25, get your babynuts out of here!  I'm too used to dealing with dudes older than me, that's where I'm comfortable, maybe I'm some challenge for them, some goal to be conquered but I'm too old for that shit, point blank period.  What do I look like?  He just turned 21 Friday, I know he's handsome, so what, all my brothers are and I don't go there with them cause that's not what they are in my life for. And I swore Don was in the same category but we crossed the line again Saturday.  I mean, whatever, I'm only human, no sex but like so much inappropriateness.  I need to come up off of that and not let him drag me into his cypher.  I know his psychology and why he's even pursuing this right now and I can't let myself fall victim to this madness.   So disappointed in the weakness of the flesh and the fact that all of this might sabotage our relationship in the future.  I really love him and I don't want it to end over some unnecessary advances and choices on both parts.

Faded

I really like my new haircut, but I hate blogging on here sometimes, I just blogged for 20 minutes and when I tried to post it, myspace had "an unexpected error."  Psh.  It makes me not want to blog for a couple days.  It's hard to try to reform the ashes of your thoughts after you just poured them all out.  But basically I was saying that cutting my hair is a clean slate, I feel like I've gotten rid of old energy, I'm excited for all of the possibilities as it grows out in it's natural state, again .  Also I was saying that I'm thankful that my mother made it back safely from Europe, that I'm happy, and that I'm really optimistic.  Benito and I are still on the roller-coaster ride that is our relationship and Terrence is one of my favorite people.  He's an awesome person and friend and he balances out all of the bullshit I go through with other guys, he's also taught me a lot about myself and been a true friend.  I'm almost at the finish line with the Unemployment odyssey and I am still aiming for spring with returning to school.  I'm going to be ordering a new CPU today so I should be back in full effect in a couple weeks.  I miss myspace and having a distraction other than T.V.  Sooo I'm good...holla.

When she's gone...

My mom is gone for 2 weeks on vacation in Europe, it made me think about what I would do if she was gone forever, how I would take care of myself without my plan B.  She's always there for me, even if she doesn't always make it easy to ask for help, I know that eventually she will come through, and I know that's a gift and I really do appreciate her unending love and support.  But I'm about to be 25 and she just turned 50 and the tables are slowly turning, I'm supposed to be establishing myself so that she won't need for things later on in her life, so that I can try to repay her for everything she's done for me.  I really think I'll miss her these coming weeks, but maybe I'll have some good news for her, or a card, or something.  She's my role model, so strong and determined and accomplished.  She came from a small village in Haiti and now she owns a home and has made a good life for her and her family from Haiti that have come over here.  I love her and hope that her strength is within me and will propel me towards my destiny.  I dread the day that I will have to say goodbye forever, but I'm so thankful she's been the mother so many people wished they had while I was growing up.

Thanks Uncle Sam!

That's right, I've officially gotten on America's lunchline, or loungeline...I've filed for unemployment. I was on the fence @ first, felt a little guilty, a little slothy, but then I was like fuck it, let me ride it till the wheels fall off. When I got my weekly benefit amount, I felt no shame. I am going to be getting paid the exact same amount as I was when I worked @ David's full time - sans commission of course, but that's a good look. Now I have time to get focused, see about school for once, just chill and not be depressed cause I have to go to a job I hate. So yea, welcome to the good life...for now. Apparently it's not quite as simple as collecting a check, but all they're gonna be tryna to do is get me hired while I try to stay unemployed, just gimme a couple months to luxuriate...and get some things in order, and I'll get another job, happily.

Naw son.

I was really tempted to kick back on my laurels and collect unemployment while I figured out how to get back into school.  But now I realize I'm too accustomed to the routine of working life and I can't fall back to deadbeatness now.  I'll just have to pursue school and work, for my sanity and my finances.  So I do have some deal-breakers with the next job, NO RETAIL.  There's got to be a better way to make money with little to no real effort.  Even retail isn't that easy, and it destroys your social life, steals away your weekends, and kills your spirit if you let it.  So maybe a nice office job or something unexpected, but no more "Hi, welcome to such and such, how can I help you today..."  Yea, that's final.  But I need a job ASAP!  I can't believe I let a month go by, I thought working @ David's was depressing but sitting around all day is like the 9th level of hell or something, I like having purpose, it may not be my career goals achieved but atleast I'm making the most of my days doing something.  So I'll let you know as soon as I lock something down.

On another note.  I'm on the fence about continuing my relationship with Benito.  I don't think he's capable of making me happy, I'm sure he would like to and even thinks he's making it happen but I feel miserable, mostly I'm not over what happened and then it's like, he just doesn't get it.  I'm affectionate and he's controlling about things like that, if he initiates it, it's ok, if I ask for something he gets frustrated saying just let it happen and let me be myself.  Dude if that's who you are I need to be with someone completely different before I lose it, forreal.

Also my CPU is getting fixed so I can only get on when I come to my uncle's house so I'm tryna make the most of my blog.  But eventually I'll be back on track.  Thanks for the wise words Jessie, needed a guys opinion...

Outer body experience.

This morning I got my first taste of what an abusive relationship could be like.  I slept over Benito's house (completely platonic as usual) and we had some drama over him going into my purse.  He tried to use my car while I was sleeping and got caught and also took my phone out and tried to be jealous because Terrence had called me.  I balked at the supposed jealousy and was preparing to head home.  We were arguing a little and then he punched the door.  My hands started to shake.  I tried to change out of my pajamas and he grabbed my skirt while I was trying to put it on.  Then he took off with my car and came back and said he wouldn't let me leave, to just come back upstairs, I refused I just wanted to go home so I said get out of the car.  We had a standoff, I called Nia to come get me and so that she would know where I was just in case.  It was a drawn out battle and at moments it felt like he was trying to break my spirit and get me to comply but nothing in the world was going to convince me to go back into the house.  Finally Nia arrived and he surrendered the keys.  I was shaken the entire morning, paranoid and unable to rest peacefully.  Then @ 12 he called apologizing and sounding so pathetic, saying that he loved me and got jealous and doesn't know how to express himself and he didn't want me to leave b/c he knew I wouldn't talk to him after the purse incident...while we were having the standoff he jumped in my face and physically threatened me and I told him this is like a bad movie, are you kidding me?  So the entire morning felt like I was looking down on someone else be mentally battered and drained and then this afternoon I ended up with him in my car talking about possibly being in a relationship.  BELIEVE ME, I am like such a rational person, I know that this sounds like there is only one clear option, to remove him from my life and be thankful that he only used theatrical violence to try to sway me.  But I care about this man and have for many years.  I am not trying to be in a fucked up relationship but I am not going to give up on him.  I know how it sounds but that's the craziness of certain situations, you know logically you're speaking gibberish to people and it makes sense to you at the time.  I am not stupid, maybe too caring, but not an idiot, you won't see me wearing dark glasses talking bout I'm not gon' cry.  I may end up hurt and disappointed b/c this is his very last chance b/c if he ever makes me feel unsafe again I will never talk to him again in life.  That you can believe, the rest is up for debate.

When it comes down to it

It's all about having that special person that you know thinks about you when everyone else is thinking about someone else.  It's all about having a place that you can go where you are safe and loved, and never feel afraid to be yourself.  It's about finding the person and creating the space and appreciating that gift and never taking advantage of it's rarity.  There are nights when the very last place I want to be is at home and the last thing I want to be is alone in my room.  Don't get me wrong, most of the time that's exactly where I want to be, but you know, I'm getting older and the biological clock is ticking and time waits for no man and whatever other cliches you would like to insert there.  I feel my life's momentum slowly winding up again and my disposition is much more optimistic, and with this renewal of spirit I find myself looking around for someone to nurture and encourage my progression.  No one.  No one who would put me above most things to make sure I was happy.  Not yet.  But I happen to know, that many good things are heading my way, new people and places and experiences.  All waiting to escort me into the next phase of my life.  Where I will happily be in that special place, with that special person, and  very, very grateful.

Missing me.

I really miss the way I used to be when I was younger.  My personality, my habits, the things that made me happy, I miss.  Of course part of me died when my dad passed, but I know most of me just disappeared when I went through the drama of college.  And now, it's sometimes like, what's left?  Sometimes I'm sooo uncomfortable in my own skin, or so trapped by my new complacency that I feel defeated and long for the happiness I carried with me as a youth.  It's definitely not all of the time.  But sometimes it just like, how did I lose myself, while being myself?  Little things that used to absolutely sustain me, I can't even make myself enjoy anymore.  I used to listen to music at all times, in my room, on the computer, doing homework, writing, even while I slept.  Yea it's always pumping in the car but I don't drive nearly half as much as I hole up in the house nowadays.  And writing.  I just don't understand the emotional block I have with writing, it's so frustrating.  And being silly, having senseless fun, just being myself, it's so difficult at times.  I wish if I could go back, that I would have held on to my true self a little tighter.

In concert

This month has rocked.  I mean yea, I don't have a job, but it's afforded me the opportunity to go to many a concert without having to drag myself anywhere in the morning. 
Aug. 3: Bilal @ The Highline Ballroom
Aug. 11: Summer of '87 @ BBKings
Aug. 14: Boot Camp Clik @ SOB's
Aug. 17: Hypnotic Brass Ensemble @ The Lion's Den
Then off to my Carnival cruise to Mexico on the 23rd.
One of the best months in years.
I'm happy.  Still wishing I had a sustaining relationship to ground me - but you can't have it all.  And anyhow, when life gets you down, go to a concert!

Stressing over myself actually.

This isn't a good time to have Benito back in my life.  I'm at this crazy crossroad and there is so much I want to do.  My motivation is like on the back-burner but my urgency is at the forefront.  I have to be more.  I have to.  I have to get it together in these next couple of years, so I can start a family and get on to what life is about for me.  And I'm back to catering to this guy?  Who has stayed in the same place for years?  Naw yo, not a good look.  So I need to ease out of this and get back to me and do it ASAP and not be apologetic.  Sitting up 2 in the AM stressing because I'm still weak in this area.  Stressing cause I'm not strong about my future.  This is a mess.  Imma get it together.

Temper

My temper is not born of temperament
It's existence is brief amidst my lifetime
The intensity of my disdain gains
Increasing the chaos in my mind
It's an arresting feeling
A bubbling of convictions
Sending my impulses reeling
Staggering my convictions
It signals helplessness
The endpoint of frustration
A primal restlessness
When derailed by situations

Know your role?

It's so ironic, every time Benito is in my life I have mad shit to write about, I even wrote a poem yesterday...but when I'm talking to other guys it's like... ::crickets::  Anyhow.  His son turned 6 today.  Benito had to work so he gave me the money to get the cake.  Ice cream cakes ROCK, they were out of Spider-man (of course), but also, I think this is cooler anyway, Spider-man is like, so 2 years ago.  Anyhow, Benito was really happy with my choice and tomorrow he's off so we're all going to The Land of Make-believe.  I've spent some time with the little boy before...I personally don't think he likes me, but who knows, he acts like his father - who is also a mystery.

But let's get to the point of this particular blog.  What the hell is my role this time around?  It's always the question du jour.  Obviously we're friends but while I was taking him to work he said the J Holiday song  "Bed" is our song...oh really...and what about that song applies to us?  Now we're doing this outing with his son tomorrow and I'm like, am I also mommy day care?  Like what's really?  I don't know what my role is,  maybe that's best, cause  once I embrace some definitive role with him, that's when all the drama always begins... 
So...for all those who maybe have never seen this man that I've ranted about for so long...here ya go:

Oh, so we back on THAT again...

After so long w/o him, and 3 weeks without friction, Benito has finally showed his ass again.  I knew deep down...you just have to let men get comfortable.  And with me, it's like, he thinks I'm just so weak, or easily won over, or stupid, or BEAT.  This guy.  I went over his house after having done laundry and showering, thinking we were gonna kick it and as soon as I put my shit down he spits some shit about needing more blunts and cigarettes, he's gonna run to the store and be right back...he dips.  5 minutes pass he comes back talking bout he forgot his money...yet he takes some CDs with him...I clock him.  It's damn 11:50 when he leaves...2 hours later, and many chirps on my part...he comes in and acts shocked that I'm still dressed and not in my PJs.  Dude, if you think Imma stay over after you went around the world, smoked and had someone in my car for 2 hours, you're buggin', yea I'm buggin' for letting you go, but you're really buggin' for thinking I was gonna let it go.  I had my shit ready to go and was like I'm going home, he says incredulously, you ain't going nowhere, I say what store did you go to for two hours, I can watch TV @ home, and I didn't come here to sit here by myself.  His only reply is but I was coming back...GUY, get it together.  He was dead wrong, he gave me my keys and I started heading out.  And he acted like he was mad.  I swear to God.  I can't believe this shit.  THIS FUCKING GUY has me back on this bullshit again!

Selfish

I showed serious weakness of character these past couple of months.  I've been brave with some things, and so selfish and cowardly in others.  I have a lot of growing up to do still.  I don't think I can ever get rid of the guilt from what I may have done.  Yet I think the ignorance of others is what makes me so reluctant anyway.  I would be more open if all the facts were known.  It's still my fault.

Cat Nip

Holla!  I have a new cat!  I mean she's no kitten, she's 3, all white, one yellow eye, one blue, and her name is Annabelle.  I like her, she's very comfortable with people and when you put your hand out in front of her she charges at it like a bull, but in an affectionate way, I was so startled and amused when she first did it.  Never had a cat before, but they're definitely less maintenance than a dog.  I still miss Princess but maybe Annabelle can help me move on.  I do know that I will have pets when I'm out on my own because they do fill emotional voids, and quickly.

Back to the Future II

This night, no need for the formality of black
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind

-Pascalle Arnold (December 7, 2006)
 
I wrote this poem the night that Benito and I had our very last falling out.  After that episode I was convinced that he would be out of my life forever.  It was a mixture of relief and utter devastation.  But more relief.  For a couple months I didn't talk to any guys, then @ the end of Feb. I met Justin and he kept me occupied till June.  As soon as the weather got nice, he was harder and harder to get up with (men and seasons, I mean really).  So then I moved on from him partially and started getting to know Terrence.  Then this past Sunday night, I was at home watching HGTV as usual, and I get a phone call, a number that looked somewhat familiar but I had just given someone my number at work so I figured that's who it was.  When he said, "This is Benito," I all of the sudden felt like I was having an outer body experience or was in a dream state.  It was just really difficult for me to wrap my head around the fact that he had called me.  He went on to say that he wanted to be friends and that he was going through a lot in his life and he really needed someone to be there for him.  I was shocked at how quickly I fell into Benito mode and rushed to his side, I had no anger in my heart about the past.  I was really just happy to be emotionally validated when he apologized for all of his hurtful words and actions in the recent past, he admitted he had been very jealous of Andre and thought "he was going to take my spot, which I hadn't even taken yet."  He called his behavior childish and I felt vindicated.  Anyhow, going into one week of him back in my life I'm just wondering if this is a good choice for me.  I consulted with my friend Nia and she said just don't put his needs over yourself this time.  I hope that I can.  Everyone has a kryptonite.  I just don't know if trying to be there for him as friends is even something I can achieve without falling into my resentful state of platonic despair.  We shall see people.  Life is so funny, in a sad way.

The Illusionist

When you miss an illusion
Reminisce over smoke and mirrors
Emotionally invest in a mirage
Your longing becomes convoluted
Sincerity is a foreign entity
Uncomfortably ushered into the shadows
As uncertain thoughts magically appear
You relive the act in desperation
Attempting to discern the concrete
Actions from the constructed show
Searching through nostalgia
Only to discover an empty stage
Cast in the dark shadow of deceit

Vulnerable

I woke up late today, around 1PM, and didn't leave the house till 4.  I hooked up with Terrence and we went to K&G.  Then I decided to go to Jean's (a Jamaican restaurant) to get something to eat.  It was hot in there, and I hadn't eaten anything all day.  I started to feel dizzy and  the next thing I know, I'm getting picked up from the floor of the restaurant and placed in a chair.  I actually passed out.  I can't believe it.  I have a huge knot on my head and I'm completely embarrassed.  It's the kind of thing that makes you feel weak and helpless and utterly vulnerable because I can't even remember falling.  Terrence was so sweet he tried to feed me and all the people in the restaurant were so concerned, which made it worse.  Terrence drove me home w/ his brother following in his car and I slept for the rest of the day.  My head hurts, my right side hurts, and I'm a bit frazzled.  No one likes to feel so vulnerable, ya know?

Talk about it

It's never easy to be open with someone and to reveal all of your secrets, but when you do, that is when you are truly free to be yourself, without having to chart your next step.  It's a good feeling to know that regardless of your revelations people still want to get to know you, and that you are worth the investment.  It's encouraging and demands increased honesty across the board.  You have to talk about it, get it out, and let it go.  Such is life people!  Be real about your issues and you'll be surprised who's still around when the smoke clears...

Can You Hear Me Now?

Men have issues with staying in touch.  I remember when I was dealing with Benito's ass he would only hit me up when he wanted something, and flip if I got out of pocket and tried to call him for no reason.  And with Justin it's like pulling teeth and he doesn't even think anything's wrong with not calling, texting is wack and it doesn't count.  Now I'm looking @ Terrence with a raised brow cause I haven't heard from him all day.  He called @ 11 this morning but I was asleep, now that I've been tryna call him back, nothing.  What is the fucking problem, and you say women are emotional for no reason, but it's because men are fucking bums.

Better Man

I want to be the person that makes a man feel this way one day. Bytheway, Musiq is such a blessing, he's talented, consistent, and gives everyone that soul music we all need.

MUSIQ SOULCHILD
"Betterman"

[Verse 1:]
I got a real good woman now
Someone between a lover and a friend
It feels good when she's around
And she's so far from all the others that I've been with

[Pre-Chorus:]
Cause I thought I knew what love was but it wasn't until she came and changed my life
And now I realize that

[Chorus:]
All the love in this world, I wanna give to this girl because she makes me wanna be a better man
And all the games I've played are in the past
Because I know this one's gonna last
It's crazy how she makes me wanna be a better man for her

[Verse 2:]
When I look into her eyes I see
So much in her that reminds me of myself in awe
She's so beautiful body soul and mind and I
Just wanna be the one to make her feel good in a special way

[Pre-Chorus:]
I'm a hug and kiss her and tell her how much I miss her when she's gone
Because I know that I wll never find another one like her and

[Chorus:]
All the love in this world, I wanna give to this girl because she makes me wanna be a better man
And all the games I've played are in the past
Because I know this one's gonna last
It's crazy how she makes me wanna be a better man for her

[Bridge:]
When it's said and done you wanna
Be with someone who's gonna
Be there for you when all your chips are down
and no one's around and when
No matter how hard it gets she will always be by your side
To comfort you like only a woman does and that's why

[Chorus: repeats and fades]

Babe when I'm with you it, makes me wanna be a better man
Every day and night it's true, you make me wanna be a better man
Hangin out with you just makes me wanna be a better man and,
Laying up with you really makes me wanna be a better man...

Crossroads

So I now know that Justin and I were riding off the fumes of our physical chemistry because he still doesn't understand the importance of reaching out to me and actually communicating.  The honeymoon is over.  And now enters a new face, a beacon of light and newness, my new friend Terrence.  He's so into me already, not in a suffocating, Urkel and Lisa kind of way, but in an eager, complimentary manner.  We haven't kissed or anything, have already gone out to eat twice, done the movies, and kicked it at each others houses.  AND he introduced me to his family the second time we chilled.  I have yet to meet anyone at all in Justin's life other than two cousins, which to me is oh so wack.  So if Justin ever sees the light it will probably be too late.  I'll miss him and some of his more charming characteristics, but overall, I'll get over it.  I need someone who is trying to get to know me, and who respects me all the way, who wants me to know that I'm special, and actually shares their emotions without hesitation.  I need to move on.

June.

Damn has it really been a month since I blogged?  I'm buggin'.  I had plenty of thoughts and emotions this month that I wanted to share, but I'm so caught up with work.  I'm amped about my trip to DR at the end of July!  Finally get to leave Jersey!  I haven't gone anywhere but NY all summer.  So lame.  I just bought tickets to see Bilal in August, words can't explain how enlightening that will be.  I have one month left to lose some weight for my vacay.  And shop for the trip.  I'm giving my job till Nov., cause I hate my manager.  She's tight cause I give her no love so she calls it an attitude.  I lost a lot of respect for her a while back because of the way she handles situations with employee concerns.  So now all she gets is a flat "hi" and that's it.  That's all she's gonna get till the day I put in my two weeks.  But if I get fired I would get unemployment right?  Naw I don't want that on my resume.  Everyone (meaning my family) keeps asking about school.  I don't know right now.  I have an emotional block on that subject.  As far as me and Justin, I have no idea why I feel like when I'm not around him, he doesn't even think about me.  It's a crappy feeling and it's either from my insecurity with the lack of solidity in the situation or with the fact that he never calls me.  All that said, it sucks all the way around, makes me not even want to try, cause it's like if I didn't call and say let's kick it, would I ever see you or hear from you?  Just tell me if you have something better to do with your time dude.  Some other interesting things have unfolded but I'll save it for preferred blog.  That's all for now folks.

With Myself

I stayed inside with myself today
Fought the temptation to go out and play
Lounged around and thought in silence
Watched a movie and thought in silence
Maybe I missed out on a lot today
All I truly miss has long gone away
Inside I stayed while the day moved on
Sunrise to set I remained alone
Now night blankets the remains of the day
As memories are lost when time fades them away
I think of moments no longer tangible
I let go of feelings no longer manageable
I'm glad I stayed with myself today
Eventually everyone else goes away

Blame it on the Boogie

I need to PARTY.  A S A P.  I feel so much pent up energy.  Which of course can be expelled in other great ways too, but I think a party, a good party, will fit the bill right about now.  I want this summer to be memorable and full of fun.  I have to get back into the swing of things with my social life, I almost let my job get the best of me, but yesterday I called out cause my uncle and the fam wanted to go to Six Flags.  So I was like peaceeee.  It was hot as hell and me and my cousin walked for an hour looking for this one damn ride, we finally on the line, and I almost passed out from heat exhaustion, so we left Six Flags, disappointed and hot as hell.  I fell asleep thinkin I would wake up back in E.O., but instead I wake up the the Jersey Shore and the beautiful Atlantic Ocean.  My cousin and I walked along the sand collecting shells, taking in the beauty of it all.  It was inspiring, and enlightening.  I refuse to waste away inside David's all summer, Imma par-tay.  Shoot.

Tragedy

Haven't been to the gym in a hot minute.  This whole month has gone to shit.  I don't know what my problem is.  I know I still have goals to attain, but I'm acting like I have all the time in the world when clearly Imma be vacationing soon and needing to look right in my outfits.  There's still time though, I have till July to tighten up.  Pray for me.

Whatever.

I'm trippin'.  I think my mid-20's come with their own crisis and it's definitely closely tied to being really emotionally needy.  I'm good with dude but I feel like I'm so neurotic.  And that maybe I want too much too soon.  But who's to judge when that is, I'm just following my feelings and I know I need something official.  If he can't give me that or some kind of indication, I might have to walk it out.  I feel like an asshole but when I was younger nothing was easier than to float aimlessly in meaningless relationships because I was too busy thinking the sun rose and set on my ass.  Now with some more insight into life and how short it can be, I need to get answers asap.  Even the coolest relationship can end up being a serious waste of time if you let it drag on and on.  So with that said, and with one major waste of time and energy already under my belt, I know I have to breech the subject.  But as far as tonight goes, whatever, I'm bout to read this book and think about it later.

Untitled

Love is an ideaWhich can be challenged
Deconstructed
Misinterpreted
Conceptualized
Verbed to bits
Can it be expressed
Accepted
Projected
Deflected
Invested
Is it tangible
Feasible
Negligible
Legible
Possible.

Empty Pages

Something is missing from my life.  I am fighting a looming depression.  I get through each day individually with a sunny disposition.  But thinking about the past or the future challenge so many emotions I go numb with the overwhelming nature of tackling how to move on in my life.  It's not a lot to do.  But it's a lot for me, a lot of moving forward, which I've realized is very hard for me to do.  A lot of wanting more for myself so that I can afford to want less later on.  Just growth in some major areas.  I hope I am ready to face some issues with strength and dignity, and ask for help when needed.  So right now I feel like each day is an empty page.  An empty page of poetry I could have written, an empty list of accomplishments I could have garnished, or thoughts I could have explored, goals reached, life lived.  My complacency might be my undoing.  I am aware, I just need to find the means of acting on it.

Mother May I.

I get the feeling that my house will be too crowded in a couple months.  My mom has successfully gone from being a Haitian immigrant 34 years ago to being a welcome house for all of her relatives from Haiti.  And now finally, the person she's wanted to bring here the most, my grandma, just got her Visa and is due to be here this summer.  There was only one bedroom not taken in the house.  And I know that @ 24, I want more privacy and out of respect for my grandma can't have company and whatnot.  So I think I need to see about other living arrangements.  I was considering getting a condo, but then I was like why leave if I don't have to.  Now I feel the crunch, I just don't fit in anymore.  I know I'll always have a home here but I'm outnumbered and my mom has a mission, who am I to get in the way?  So I'll talk to her about taking steps towards my own digs, I just wish I had a better job, but even if I did, nothing is guaranteed.

Picture It.

I mean, a picture is worth a thousand words right?, here's an essay.

10 Things

1. I'm tired of my job, I wish I could find the motivation to get the ball rolling and see about school.

2.  I'm realizing that my sex drive has definitely developed as I've gotten older.

3.  I like to go out but hate clubbing.  What a blower.  I need more options @ this age.

4.  I've realized also that I need a lot of reassurance.  I'm big on verbalization.  You have to say it for me to know it, period.

5.  I miss my dog but I've accepted the fact that she is probably lost forever.  I don't know if it's right to get another one, I just don't know.

6.  The list of things to fix on my car for the summer time is intimidating, but if I tackle one thing @ a time, it can be done.

7.  How the hell am I going to lose this last 10 or so lbs?!  I've been 187 for months now, it's good and bad.  Summer is fast approaching.

8.  I'm so glad I cut my hair, I'm never going back, I'm not a white girl, it will only grow so long so what's the point.

9.  If Facebook had a blog setup like this, I wouldn't even fuck w/ Myspace like this anymore.

10.  I'm very happy with old boy but I want more...