Poem @ 3AM

Lovely.
If it loved
If it lost
If it at all related to love
It would be lovely.

-Pascalle Arnold

The Christmas Eve Shocker.

BEFORE YOU READ THIS, PLEASE REVIEW PRETTY UGLY

Man, just when you think you have a situation figured out, and you make adjustments and basically move on without fanfare, people call you and make you feel like a complete ass for even being angry.  Andre called me today out of the clear blue and said that the reason he hadn't called me was because his Aunt and his cousin passed away and he shut everyone out.  I was like damn, thinking to myself, you're and absolute asshole.  Mind you, last night I was in Harlem @ the Magic Johnson theater watching The Pursuit of HappYness with an old friend, trying to get my social life back on track, and now I feel like...well I don't even know.  So now I feel like I need to be there for Andre, but old boy is thinking I'm single and fancy free and gonna be kicking it with him.  This is the real definition of ugly.  But honestly, how was I to know?  I mean, you just assume the worst when someone stops talking to you after continuous daily conversations right?  I was trying to protect my feelings and rebound quickly.  I mean, it's not like we're together, but it's not like I can tell him about old boy either.  Ahh well, at least I know I wasn't given the shaft.  The plot thickens ya'll...

Pretty Ugly.

Remember when I said, me and Andre might turn out pretty ugly?  Not even the case.  What happened was, he just stopped calling me.  Which is a little embarrassing on my part but nothing I should be ashamed to share, shit happens.  He came through Thurs. night, we chilled, he called me when he got home, and that's the last I heard from him...sooo...yea.  I called him the next day unaware anything had changed as of then, then the next day I left a message saying I was worried (cause we talked everyday).  And finally I left a message saying I wouldn't be calling anymore.  It doesn't take long for me to figure out I'm getting the brush off.  This is the risk you take when you deal with a younger dude anyway, or just dudes in general.  So I kind of miss him.  But not really.  I'm just mad I didn't have any other dudes in the cut, I'm slippin' as I get older, pimp hand isn't even as strong.  Ah well.  Que sera', sera'.

Brokers=Mantra, Mantra=Brokers?

Wow, this is how you know you're getting old, Brokers isn't Brokers anymore?? What type a shit? I know I'm old cause I remember when there were 2 other clubs in E.O, and it used to be the spot for Jersey nightlife...ahh well, good thing I can always take my ass to NY, being a grown up has its perks.

Jumpoff's need to know their role.

My jump chirped me tonight (it's like Nextel was invented for that) and tried to make me feel bad because whenever I meet someone I'm interested in, I cut him off. I tried to reason with him stating that I try to give new relationships a chance and having someone in the cut is dishonesty from the door, which is not cool. So I was like, I respect your opinion, I'll try to be more considerate. But what I wanted to say was, shouldn't I be the one chirping you on some Ralph Tresvant Sensitivity stuff? Know your role homeboy. But I didn't. & really, I've just looked @ him completely different ever since I tried to get up and he was so drunk he couldn't get in his house so I took him to mine and when he woke up he didn't remember how he got there. I was like, just say no brah, really. Anyhow, it's just funny to me that we started out really liking eachother 2 years ago and now our relationship isn't even in effect till after hours. Why would I take you seriously now? Why should you care if I cut you off? Just ease up and wait for my chirp, is all I'm sayin...

Do you think I'm pretty?

Yea, that's what I asked Andre tonight after he left here and called me to let me know he was home.  I felt like such an insecure girly girl.  But it's a simple thing, he doesn't compliment me that much so I wanted to know.  Am I just aight to him.  I would hate to know that he's just settling with me.  I want to be with someone who really finds me beautiful.  I've been with people that did, and it makes me more comfortable being myself, because I know they really like me anyway.  But with this guy, it's like, I'm all shy and reserved, because I don't want to get caught out there.  There is security in hearing reassuring words like "you are so beautiful" often enough in a relationship.  So when I asked him, he was like, yea you're pretty.  Not convincing at all.  I asked cause I knew it would seem like it came out of left field, so that I could get an honest response.  I don't know, I just don't think "it" is there between us.  He's cool, and attractive, and the sex is alright when it so happens that we both want to (it's either he wants to and I don't or vice versa).  I just don't think it's something with a very bright future.  It might turn out to be, well, pretty ugly.

Requiem.

This night, no need for the formality of black
Wailing trumpets
Grievances
This night all resentments are laid to rest
Optimism and naivete
Niceties
Tenderness
This night entombed
As burial masks reveal grave faces
Ashen tears scatter in the wind*
 

-Pascalle Arnold
 
*Certain people were concerned about the tone of this poem, but it's in reference to a relationship, don't worry!

Random work story...

As I was fixing up non-bridal today...this one part from The 40 year old virgin kept popping in my head, and it had me cracking up...I was like this is we todd did. Anywho...it was

And I answered by saying, "cause you use words like ruched and chambord..." Just thought I'd share...

The Last Dragon

Am I The Last Dragon? I feel like I have so much more control over my personal life right now. As if I posses the power of the glow! Things have been effortless ever since Benito and my ex had that near - altercation and my ex broke it off. Now I can just do me. Don't have to answer to anyone, but can still get what I wanted anyway, Benito still in my life, and spending time with the ex. I mean this is too good to be true. I don't have to pick Benito up all the time anymore, only when I feel like it. I feel free of all the weight of my arrangements with both of them, but I still have them around, that's a coup. And I'm souped but leery, things like this usually self-combust eventually...ah well, I'll just go along for the ride...

"say my man, what it look like?"

Ex-traordinary

Me & the ex chilled tonight, he came over here all amped about The Wire being on @ 11 (clearly it comes on @ 10), so we watched the last 15 minutes of it. Then we watched Nacho Libre, not really cause we ended up having sex. Which we regretted later on when we had a candid talk about our relationship. A lot of trust issues and definitely some emotional residue on both our parts. He doesn't trust me and I can't find it in me to open up anymore. It's like, I'm not beat to fall victim to some revenge shit that you got planned, you know how you can't really trust someone who just broke up with you, gotta feel them out. But then we started burning some CDs and we just enjoyed each other's company. & it was nice, and it made it hard to think that any relationship potential has been sabotaged. We even slow danced together, like c'mon! I never do that, and take it seriously! Anyhow, I'm all fucked up with this one here. I know he still cares, but he's still trying to assess his emotions, it's written all over his face, so I'm not gonna stress anything, as my idol (Wendy Williams) always says: It is what it is, awrrighht.

There's rules to this game...

This negro. He calls me tonight asking what I'm doing and if I have any movies, if he can come through and watch em, I play him like, um, why would I let you come over so I can get all caught up again? But then I feel bad like I shouldn't act cold-blooded. And so I go to Blockbuster and rent Waist Deep, remembering that he wanted to see it. I call him to tell him I changed my mind, he's like I already saw the movie and I have things to do in the morning so I'm just gonna head home. So now I feel like an idiot and he's like I'll come watch it with you. I'm like spare me your pity company, it's not that deep. Things resolve themselves and he ends up over here and as soon as he's in the door he gives me a big ass hug. The whole night is a dance of mixed signals and head tricks, I'm still tired just thinking about it. He's huggin', kissin', and rubbin' up on me, then when I try to reciprocate he's like I don't want to get my feelings hurt. I gets the fuck up and am like, your CD (that was burning), is done. I can't do it, he needs to be straight up, I'm not good at the back and forth, this is not a good look. As he's leaving he's like I've already broken my rules just by being here, I'm like, um, you have rules?? The #1 rule should be, stop playing games, period.

AND he just called me to tell me he just got home, and that hopefully he'll talk to me tomorrow. If you want to get back with me, let a chick know, I'll make arrangements. But this Inspector Gadget secret agent coded ish, is wack.

Is Myspace serious? & Other Ramblings...

'Cause I know when I just signed on the first thing I saw wasn't a damn Seinfeld advertisement, after the inflammatory shit Michael Richards said about black people, and meant, in a very non-comical way!?  Imma chalk that shit up to poor planning on Myspace's behalf.  As my ex would say, "tighten up" - Myspace.  Also, I've been blogging behind your back, I've been seeing another website, and I think it's time you should know, I'm now a Facebook whore.  There, I said it.  I love it, and it loves me and we're really happy together so just let me live my life, ok Myspace.  Don't look at me like that.  I mean, we can still kick it and everything, but I'm just exploring my options, maybe one day I'll be back, and realize how much you mean to me.  But probably not, so start weighing your options.  Anywho, ya'll should join Facebook if you haven't, they are letting non-grads and non-collegiates on there now, so it's like a whole new world for me, then you can read my current blogs, some good stuff goings on...

Ex-cessive

So my ex called me this morning to get in touch with my brother the Caddy mechanic to get his Deville fixed. Then after I put him in touch with him, he called me back to thank me, which is fine, but then he wants to chit chat and I'm like, did you or did you not play me the fuck out not a week or so ago (in my head of course)?? But I told him I had to take a nap and he acted like I was trying to get off of the phone. Don't do that, don't Dr. Phil me. So just now while I was on my way home from work, the boy calls me again to actually talk, acting like we still together, asking me "who was that, and why you put me on hold." Ninja please. Men are a hot ass mess. When you did have the upper hand, you wasted it being juvenile, now that I'm over the initial shock of getting dumped, I could care less. I'm G O O D pimpin, trust and believe.

A man for all seasons (excerpt from "20 Times a Lady")

"Despite the odd things I remember about some of them, on my list is a man for all seasons. There's the one who looked good on paper and the one who just looked good...the one who couldn't get it up and the one who couldn't keep it down...the one who became my best friend and the one who became my worst enemy...the one who made me sweat with anticipation and the one who left me out in the cold. There's the one night stand, the one-week fling, the pity lay, and the good one who got away. There's the one I lived for, the one I lusted after, and the one I thought I loved more than anyone else in the world. They're all there.

"What's your #?

Working out works it out.

Believe me, I hear what ya'll are saying.  Get rid of Benito, give myself a chance at happiness and let go of the idea of what could be and be real about it.  But I can't.  And honestly I don't want to.  I don't know why I even complain cause I can't see myself cutting him out of my life, ever.  So I had thoughts about the past couple weeks rattling in my head today as I ran some errands, but as soon as I went to the gym, I felt like the weight had been lifted.  I have to let things like that go, I can't change how Andre feels about the situation just like he can't change how I feel about Benito.  And unfortunately I can't change Benito.  So I'll leave it all up to time, in the meanwhile, I'm feeling a surge of productivity in the air.  I got an appointment on Tues. to get an estimate on all of the work my car needs.  I'm going to be taking a points class in Dec., and of course in the back of my mind is always SCHOOL.  But the matter at hand now is just how many houses should I visit on Thanksgiving!  I feel a lot better tonight, working out works out a lot of frustration, good stuff.

Back to square 1.

Apparently 1 is the loneliest number.  I disagree.  I would say 2 is, I would say that it is the most frustrating number and the loneliest when it goes from 2 to 1, or it's 2 but you feel neglected.  Andre broke up with me, told me he couldn't trust me cause I was still picking Benito up from work and last night he called while I was taking Benito home and I didn't answer.  So he stuck to his contention about Benito having disrespected him and he was like I can't deal with you if you still dealing with him, told me to have a nice life.  I was like I respect your decision blah blah blah, what could I say really?  Dudes act like they want honesty from the door but what they really want is for you to lie to their asses.  From the gate.  That way, everything goes smoothly.  He didn't trust me from the beginning anyway, I doubt that anything I did recently swayed him so much as to dead the relationship.  I'm a little too long in the game to get hustled by dude - with his baby nuts.  Anyway.  And now my relationship with Benito has taken a different road because now he feels like I'll kick him to the curb for any dude that shows me interest, which I have done in the past but I always end up sticking to him, which is why I'm in this situation now.  At least I wasn't with Andre long enough to actually be hurt, I'm more disappointed than anything, it could have really been something but it started off on such a bad note.  1 maybe a lonely number, but I always have me, myself, and I, so that's a good thing.
P.S.  When I was @ work today, I mentioned I had like over 40 hours and my assistant manager was like, it was nice seeing you today, see you Sunday.  So I clocked the eff out and dipped.  That's funny, I worked so much I was messing with their money, and they couldn't have that!

Are you SERIOUS?!

What type of Young and the Restless ish is going on in my life?  Last night I was picking Benito up from work and Andre called me because he was going to come over when I got home.  But I had to wait till 12 and I had already told Andre that but he still called me.  So when I answered and he asked where I was Benito started talking shit to him and I was like are ya'll serious?  Benito keeps blaming Andre for the friction between us and Andre keeps blaming Benito for me being stressed out.  I'm blaming myself for trying to keep both of them in my life when it's painfully obvious that Benito is threatened by the fact that I actually like Andre.  I think he assumed I would never get too serious with another guy and wait around like a nun for him to get good and ready to be with me.  Ninja please.  So now after last night Andre is like dude disrespected me and if you continue to deal with him I can't deal with you.  Me and Benito fell out after that whole scene so I figured the friendship was through but then this morning he acted like everything was coochie crunch.  So now I can't tell Andre that Benito is still my friend cause he's not beat for the drama, nor am I.  But I really like this guy, and I want to give this relationship a fair chance.  So what is a girl to do?  Throw away years of friendship and history for someone I've only known a month?  Or try for happiness and a real relationship and move on?  Let me know!

Lovely.

Yay!  I met someone new, whose credentials are so excellent and who treats me so well that I wonder why I ever put up with Benito @ all.  His name is Andre and the first shocker is that he's 20.  BUT, he's got a car, his own spot, 2 jobs, goes to school, and he's doesn't have any kids!!  I mean really.  He's mature, and sweet, funny, and our personalities mix wonderfully.  He's a Gemini Xic, so you know we click.  I met him @ work, he started there like 2 weeks ago and we've been flirting here and there.  Then it dawned on me that my last day was next Mon., so I asked him for his number Tues.  We chilled that night, and while we were watching Love Jones, it gets quiet and he says, "So when you gon' tell Benito that you can't pick him up anymore?!"  I love that, that's sexy.  So it's looking like I'm gonna be seeing what's good with Andre from now on, no more Lenny and that trifling situation (so glad I didn't go all the way with homeboy).  And sooner than later, the arrangement with Benito has to come to a screeching halt.  Cause Andre is worth it, and I haven't felt this optimistic about someone in a long time.  Yay!

On the up & up...

Sooo, I know it's been a grip, but Comcast found me out!  I've had the free internet hookup for the past couple months, airythang was going smooth then BAM!  One day I come home and the Netscape screen was stuck on the comcast.net installation page.  I was hurt ya'll.  On the bright side I've had more time to be more productive since I'm not checking my friggin Myspace every 2 seconds.  But I do miss the net.  So I have two options, knuckle up and start paying the bastards, or try to get my hookup back online.

In more interesting news, I got a new job Tuesday!!  As of Nov. 6th, I will be working at David's Bridal in the non-bridal department, it's more than K&G plus commission.  It's a good look.  So now I can get my car fixed and save for school cause unfortunately it's not looking good for Spring '07.  I have to get my financial obligation to UMD cleared up before they'll give me my transcript.  So let's try for Summer '07.  What else?  Me and Benito are still in our strange platonic/pseudo-relationship bubble, but I'm also kicking it with my first love everyday with the texting and phone calls.  I'm supposed to see him Saturday.  Lord give me strength.  Some other juicy things have happened in the lapse of time but alas, some other time...gotta get ready for work (only 12 days left @ K&G!).

I've been a bad bad girl...

This is only for the people on my preferred list (meaning everyone can't read it) cause, it's pretty trifling.  Today after work Lenny came by my house, we went to Blockbuster and got two movies and proceeded to watch Click.  No sooner than 10 minutes into the movie, we're flirting heavy.  Then I kissed his neck, he kissed mine, then we kissed, then it was just the most heated foreplay ever in life.  He smelled the same as when we were 16 and all the memories came flooding back.  He told me he missed me and regretted the time we spent out of touch.  He also said that he's been thinking about me a lot sexually.  So we did a lot tonight.  Naw no sex, but as far as bases go, he got to third and we actually planned to bring it home.  But mind you, I talked to him about it before we even got all hot and heavy, I was like, you're a good guy, you've never cheated on your girl, why now, why me?  And really, I don't think he's gonna feel guilty, but for some reason I think I will.  And that fucks me up.  Cause we still have the same crazy chemistry, and I would drop it like it's hot on his ass in a heartbeat, but now that he's gone home and I have time to reflect and write this, it's like, do I really want to go down this road?  I feel like talking him out of it and keeping my distance.  We're not teenagers anymore, and his girl is a crazy Hispanic chick and I'm too young to get into a situation with this loca broad.  So there's a lot to think about.  But my gut, my most carnal instincts say, fuck it, he ain't married and he's a grown up too, so if he's down, motherfucker I'm DOWN.  I don't know, but I do know he's still the best kisser ever, the best smelling man ever, and I don't want to regret the decision we're making forever.

Good Frikkin' Times!

Today was a great day.  Only had to work for 4 hours, got off got ready to head to dinner @ this soul/Caribbean restaurant in Harlem called MoBay.  The food was rockin' but I kind of ordered something my mom makes at home all the time.  Still good, but a bit too safe and familiar.  Anyhow it's a great spot to take a date or have a girls night out.  The ambiance is perfect and the drapes and decor were, divine.  I met 7 people from my Mos Def forum.  Some people might not understand because they don't do forums, but any true fan of an artist is always somehow in the loop as far as keeping up with their careers.  So after dinner 6 of us went to a karaoke spot on 32nd that had private rooms where you could do karaoke with just your friends.  We were there for 2 hours, the time flew by.  I had a great time, having fun with genuine people from places as far as Toronto and California.  Our one common bond initially being the most beautiful boogieman, Mos Def, and now this priceless night of friendship and connections...good times people, good times.

Can I get a woop woop...

Got weighed and measured @ the gym today...I weigh...199lbs!!!!  I reached my first milestone!  I haven't been under 200 in more than 3 years!  I'm so proud and excited to continue my fitness!  I want to lose another 15 lbs and see where my body is then, and take it from there. These chicks better watch out, I'm becoming one bad b*tch...

PEN PAL

Yesterday I got a letter from a friend that's in prison.  I slacked off with our correspondence for like, 6 months, and finally wrote him 3 weeks ago, and the tone of his letter expressed his disappointment.  Yet he still cares enough to be encouraging and inspiring.  He wants to know when I'm going back to school.  Well all I have to do is get my transcript from UMD and write my personal statement and my app will be done, he wants me to be successful and not settle for my dead end ass job and this mundane existence I've carved out for myself.  Truth be told I like some consistency and not much excitement.  Considering the things I've experienced over the years, mundane is the best thing for me.
But he also said he's finally gonna live his life for himself when he's freed, and I thought about that.  Am I living my life for myself?  What are my immediate goals?  How can I achieve them?  I sometimes feel like I can't even be concerned with those kind of questions with the immense loneliness that's been weighing me down recently.  It's something I've internalized, but when I get home to my quite house and think in my head about who would console me with the way I feel right now, there's no one.  Except for maybe my pen pal, but he's got another 3 years.

Young Love

Sooooo, I saw my first love Lenny today.  I got off work @ 4 and he met me at my house after-wards.  He looks exactly the same!  Just older, more filled out, and beautifully handsome, like painfully, why-did-I-ever-fuck-it-up with you, gorgeous.  And he was still the same silly, adorable, lovable Lenny.  Which sucked cause he's not single.  And I fear he'll never be, and I'm not trifling enough to try to infiltrate his situation, so that's that.  Like what is to become of this patchwork of a friendship we've resurrected?  I'd love to have him in my life but he's just a painful reminder of all the negative karma and loneliness I've suffered since my days of young love.  It was nice spending time with him though, I was all giddy and giggly, the kind of soft and pink mess that be making me want to hurl, I was doing without any self-control, batting my eyes and all that bullshit.  And honestly, if we hadn't gone to pick up my girl Keisha, something inappropriate might have happened.  It was like, too much chemistry, and he was a bit too friendly, you know with the physical contact: the back pat, the leg grip...nigga you ain't slick, but I loved every juvenile minute of it.  Damn I miss being a teen.  If only I could get one take-back, that would be it.  And things might have just turned out so much differently...

What comes naturally...

It's crazy that I have been writing this blog faithfully for so long without doing what I do best, writing a poem!  So here goes something off the top:

Calluses build casually  
In the soft spaces of hearts
Days and nights transition
In the endless battery of time
Layers of unsaids mount
Without resolution as
Emotions are encased
Within the shell of constant
Friction and miscommunication
Heartless words are perceived as
Callous

October Here I Come!

Alright so maybe I didn't feel the heat last month, but I definitely feel that October is going to be an important month as far as accomplishing goals, tasks, attending events, and continuing my weight loss.  As it stands now, I started the online app for Rutgers Newark, but not the FAFSA, of which I think today was the deadline.  As far as the gym, I'm still consistent, I think my diet is taking a turn for the worst cause I'm eating more fast food and junk food again, so I'm about to get rid of all of my snacks and start The Fat Smash Diet ASAP.  I'm @ 202 now, so hopefully by the 21st I can lost at least another 5-10 lbs, that would be an achievement I would be very proud of cause I'd finally be under 200.  Also, I need to take a trip to Maryland but that's based on if I get a couple things on my car fixed.  I also have till the end of the month to get a new car insurance company and renew my registration.  Being a grown up sucks.  But I have to admit, I like responsibility, paying bills, I'm looking forward to the routine, of one day having a family, and I know that if I get focused and apply myself, I can conquer this month with style!

Honestly...

I really thought last night was the end for me and Benito, I figured this morning I'd go to the gym, swing by his house early, take him to the bank for my money, maybe take him to work for the last time, and that would be that.  Around 2, when I'm usually about ready to head over his way he chirps me.  Mind you, I already cleaned him out of my phone, his caller id pic, his number in my txt list, all of it.  So I chirp back and he's like, "is there anyone around you right now," and I was like no, and he proceeds to apologize for last night admitting that he was mean and rude.  I responded with "uh huh."  I forgot he was off today so he says he's at the barbershop and I say "we need to talk Benito, forreal."  He says he'll come by later to burn a cd and we can talk then, and so I expect to hear from him later in the day.  I clean my room and cool out all day, and nothing.  So now I'm just pissed off because I thought I had an easy out last night and there he goes disappointing me again.
On another note, these two guys I met recently are both already getting on my fucking nerves.  Brenton turned out to be nice but too damn aggressive and not as hygienic as I expected, nothing worse than b.o. on a man.  The other guy Leonard seems cool but we haven't even chilled yet and he calls me mad times a day.  I ignored at least 8 calls from them collectively today.  I just didn't feel like making up a reason why I didn't want to go out, which was honestly because I wanted to be around for Benito.  As a result I spent my whole day in the house hating men all together, the new ones, the old ones, they all have one major strike, they're men.

There's never a right time to say goodbye...

Tonight was the night ya'll.  I went to pick up Benito, that's his real name, enough with the alias, what the fuck am I protecting his identity for?  Anyhow, went to pick him up and I was already pissed off about the last couple days because he had a fucking attitude and I was just tired of it, I have a life that has been on hold ever since I committed myself to being his personal chauffeur.  I really started to resent him.  So tonight he says to me, after I give him dead silence all night, what is the problem?, I'm like nothing.  He's like I hate when you act phoney with me that shit makes me not want to fuck with you, so I just came out with "THEN DON'T."  This nigga gon say, remember you said that, like Imma regret it.  I need my life back, my personal time, my heart.  I'm so tired of him hanging the threat of cutting me off over my head, so it's like fine then, DO IT.  Make my life easier.  I'm not your mother and lord knows I'm not your girl so why am I always going out of my way for you?  Fuck you, pay me.  So tomorrow he's gonna pay me back some money I lent him and that's that.  It is what it is, I didn't want it to end like this but fuck it, maybe it'll be easier for me to move on knowing what a dick he was and has been.  One thing you can say is that dude has been consistent.  So this is kind of the end of this chapter of my blog since I'll have to find new things to complain about, let's see what lies ahead now that I'll be Benito free.

Real Talk

This is straight from my heart and my gut.  I can't keep disillusioning myself with "Mr. Big."  Today I sent him a text asking if he was gonna come by and make his cd he wanted.  He didn't respond, so I went to church with a friend, chirped him while I was there, nothing.  Then we went to IHOP, chirped him there, nothing.  So then I sent him a text saying "what if I really needed something? It doesn't take much to chirp back, but don't worry about it, do what you do."  A few hours later, he chirps me with base in his voice.  He's like what was that crazy text you sent me, I'm like I was just trying to see what you were doing today.  There is such a double standard.  If he wants to do something or go somewhere or he's ready for work and he chirps me, he expects me to respond asap otherwise he leaves texts or messages asking what is wrong with my phone.  I know he doesn't care about me, cause if he did, he wouldn't do so many things that hurt me.  He wouldn't yell or curse, he wouldn't make me feel like I was irrational and overly emotional all of the time.  It makes me feel so weak and ashamed to feel as if I need him in my life.  WHY?  The small instances of happiness we share can never overcome all of the deep pain he's caused me.  He makes me feel inadequate and insignificant.  I hate that I care for him at all.  What kind of self-esteem issues do I have to tolerate this relationship.  I have never experienced as many emotional lows as I have these past few months that we have been back in each other's lives.  He tries to control the height of my feelings for him, always keeping me at bay and only letting me close when he wants to.  I can't suffer because of his emotional baggage.  I deserve love and respect and tenderness.  Especially that, because the more he makes me feel like I'm over-analyzing this relationship, it makes me cold and dead inside.  Ever since I met Brenton on Tues., I have felt like maybe it was all a dream, that someone could want to show me affection, and just be with me, with no mental demoralization.  I've been intentionally in denial of the fact that no one in my life likes him, and he makes himself the victim, saying that they don't know him only what I've told them when we were first dealing with each other.  He hasn't changed much.  And I still defend him, as if he would ever put himself on the line for me.  It's so embarrassing to know that I accept this kind of shit from anyone, when I am so strong in other areas of my life.  I can't keep holding on to him, he needs to get a grip on reality.  And I can't keep lying to him or myself about what an asshole he can be.  I just want some happiness in my life, I've been through so much the past couple of years, and if he's not going to contribute to enriching my life, I have to let him, and the idea of him, go, forreal.

Jealousy is a sickness...

Ain't this bout a bitch!?!  As soon as I start tryna date someone "Mr. Big" wants to give a damn.  I picks the negro/Spaniard up tonight and he's all like "how was your date?"  Mind you, all I told him last night was that I was going out.  So I was taken aback and thrown off and he starts in with the comments, "you meet someone and want to act all brand new," "I couldn't even go to Friday's cause you wanted to go to Friday's" (with him) etc.  I just laughed at him cause of course he was joking around, but also letting me know how he felt subconsciously, men are such babies.  Then when I was dropping him off he starts in with his Taye Diggs from How Stella Got Her Groove Back voice and had me cracking up, and then he asks me where did you go?  Then he's like never mind I don't want to know, then I tell him we just chilled on my porch and he's like you sped all over the place just to chill on your porch?  Man, he's funny.  I don't get it, you had the chance, I was all yours for the taking, don't be salty cause I'm tryna find some TLC, shoot.

Brenton the non-prep.

Good news people gooooood news.  I might not be breaking my abstinence streak but I might be gettin some TLC sooner than later.  I met this guy today @ Sandwiches Unlimited, people in the 973 know what I'm talkin bout.  Anywho, he works there, and while I was waiting for my chef salad I was looking @ him and thinking to myself, he's cute, but maybe he's Muslim, cause he had the little beard.  Anywho, I get my food and proceed out the door, mind you, I was looking pretty rough considering I was still in my gym clothes from earlier and I was in the process of doing laundry.  So he's outside the door and he hollers at me, and I'm like, say word?  So we exchange numbers and he's like lemme pick you up and take you out tonight.  Two winning context clues, CAR, and DATE.  Hello!  I'm @ work waiting for 9:30 like a mugg and hoping I can ditch "Mr. Big" ASAP.  Round 10:30 Brenton (who at first I thought was named Printon because of his Jamaican accent) rolled up in front of the crib.  He's really cute, we're bout the same height, he's slim but not skinny, sexual chocolate skin with white teeth.  On some Taye Diggs stuff, but much cuter.  And I can actually understand what the hell he says.  We kicked it on my front porch till bout 10 minutes ago.  He's going to Jamaica in the morning for his older brother's funeral and won't be back till Mon.  DAMN.  But as we chatted he kept saying how nice my lips were, and when we hugged to say goodbye, he said he'll taste my lips yet.  I was like sounds good to me!  So, I'm souped, obviously this is gonna be on pause till next week, but um, things are definitely looking up, SHABBA~!

Desperate times ---

Call for desperate measures:  I'm tired of being abstinent.  Like, it's so old.  No, really.   I don't really have an emergency dick in a glass anymore, cause I was so caught up in spending all my free time with "Mr. Big" that now I'm assed out.  I really don't see myself meeting someone new anytime soon and even getting down like that, so it's gonna have to be a throwback.  But who?  And how to breech the subject, and then, will I feel guilty or relieved?  And why can't I hold out?  I mean I've thinking about sex ALOT, and it's not a game anymore, moves need to be made, decisions finalized.  It's so tiring being "Mr. Big's" friend, it's like give me a break, we used to have sex all the time when we first met oh so long ago.  So what's the problem?  But it's on me to solve this dilemma, and to do it with stealth.  I'll keep ya posted.

Sex, Love & Money.

Ya'll already know, no sex in the champagne room!  But oddly enough, this dude I used to get it in with that I've know forever came into my job and asked for me, then came back in later when I was there, and didn't say more than 2 words to me, what was that about?  Cause if he's down, I do have an opening for a maintenance man, okay?!  And with the love, it's still "Mr. Big", and we argued over money today, cause I looked him out last week, and he hit me back today, but our totals were a bit different, so he called me nit-picky, but I was like, I was just being accurate.  But it's not even about me, he always finds something to argue about when he feels frustrated about his life. He says I read into everything too much, and I say, whatever-the-fuck ever.  I know one thing, I'm hungry as hell, and why am I still in my work clothes?!  Goodnight...

SICK

So I'm sick today, I feel like I have a fever and my nose is stuffed and I don't think being in my room is helping.  But other than that things are good.  I'm hooked on Justin Timberlake's new album, esp; My Love, Lovestoned, What Goes Around, and Futuresex Lovesounds.  The whole album is excellent though.  He is bringing the THUNDER!! The release date is tomorrow but I've been bumping the Limewire hookup all weekend.  And guess who stole it from me?  "Mr. Big"!  I had to make a back-up copy.  He told me tonight not to tell anyone he liked the album, I rolled the window down and was like, "hey everybody..."  It was cute.  Anyhow, I'm still totally in love with him, he acts so tough around some people but he's such a geek, and he always shows me that side, and I know it's a privilege.  Anyhow, I need to rest up, got ish to do in the AM.

The Flintstones

Man, "Mr. Big" is living in the stone ages, he was talking about if we were married how I'd be at home cooking him dinner every night.  I don't even cook.  He was like, how we gonna eat then?  I'm like man, listen.  Then he was like his daughter would never play basketball for a team, cause he wants her to be a lady, then started on the schpiel about why women aren't feminine anymore yada yada.  I was like and this is the man I'm considering a family with...lawd have mercy.  I'll learn him yet, but @ the same time I was kinda turned on when he was talking all that archaic you woman, me man stuff...is that wrong?

OFF & ON

Tonight is the last night of my 3 day vacation from work, not intentional, they just scheduled me that way.  I enjoyed the break, Monday I went to the West Indian Day Parade in Brooklyn, and it was the first time me and my mom have spent some quality time together in a while.  I love her so much, she's more full of life @ 49 then she was when I was younger, but she's always been a free-spirited fun mom, I'm so thankful that I got her personality and spirit.  Yesterday I chilled all morning then I took my brother to get one of his daughters from daycare and then I went to the gym and went to his mother's house afterwards to chill out, his other daughter was there and she's just so pretty and tall for a 2 year old, I told him "you're in for a world of trouble daddy daycare."  But I had a great time with them and his mother cooked some slamming string beans and meatloaf with carrots and onions in it.  Today was laid back too, I went to the gym, then I visited with my cousin Kyon whom I haven't seen in so long.  He's been my favorite cousin since I was 13.  That summer my father passed and I stayed with my great aunt Cherry in Newark the whole summer while my mom handled everything.  Anyhow, I was never fashionable or able to afford brand names and I remember he gave me some Armani jeans of his that fit me.  I loved him from that day on.  Now he's 30.  Time flies.  I also stopped by my uncle's house and watched some stuff On Demand, since I only have basic cable.  So, tomorrow it's back to work, back to going to the gym in the morning, and the same ol' same ol'.  Ahh well.

SHANIKA BALDWIN IS STILL A BITCH.

After she requested to be my friend,
I sent her this message:
"What you want to be my Myspace friend for, we're not even friends in real life. "

She replied:
"First of all... I dont even have your number. This is the first time I have seen your face in 4 years. You aren't on facebook so I didnt know how to contact you. But its cool Pascalle. I just wanted to see if you were cool but I see that even after 4 years, you haven't changed much. Have a good life."

I replied:
"Firstly, I was merely pointing out the obvious. You can spare me with the "I see you haven't changed" romp b/c you don't know me like that anymore. I sent you the message because if you wanted to get in touch you know many people that I know that have my number, Jesse and Jessie. And you could have just as easily sent me a message as opposed to a friend request so stop acting like you're the bigger person. I will have a good life, thanks."

AND THEN THIS BITCH SENT ME THIS AND BLOCKED ME. LIKE I'M BEAT FOR HER PUNK ASS:
"U know Jessie too right? U coulda called me too right?? U know where i live right??? I've been in NYC for 4 fuckin years getting my shit done. I just found out u were on myspace cuz like i said... u arent on fb. But its whatever pascalle. I DONT CARE! Please stop contacting me. If u didnt wanna accept the request all u had to do was it reject. WTF??? Please, go do something with ur life. Go get a DEGREE instead of starting myspace drama. PLEASE... DONT SEND ME ANYTHING ANYMORE and like i said... good luck with ur life."

WTF does me not finishing school have to do with anything?  I'm sorry but, if I see this bitch in life it's gonna be a misunderstanding.  Trust.

So anyway, right...

Not much going on really, just excited about Labor Day, going to the the Caribbean Day Parade in BK (Xic call me about that)!!!  And hmm, as soon as I get my car fixed I'll be heading down to Maryland (Steph I'll keep ya posted!) and errr um, me and "Mr. Big" aren't having any drama, things are about as exciting as all this rain.  But, I have maintained my gym routine, I haven't started my diet yet, and I'm still experiencing a voluntary drought.  Soooo anyway right...

DAMN YOU!

I tried to end my drought today but I ended up arguing with dude and taking his black ass back to where I picked him up from, which threw me into the Twilight Zone because it happened to be the former home of my first love, Lenny.  Imagine all the emotion that rose up inside, and all I could think of was why are you arguing with me!  You're not "Mr. Big,"  I don't have to cater to you!  Get a grip, know your role, and stfu!  So now I'm like, well maybe I should tell "Mr. Big" that I'm backed up and I can't see myself letting anyone else relieve me.  Which means if he isn't up for the job, I'm assed out.  I would love to have someone in my life that would fill up the emotional black hole that he leaves in his wake, but that person has not made themselves known to me, and I don't want to introduce a reason for "Mr. Big" to pull away from me.  I just don't.  It's not worth it, some meaningless sex or physicality with someone you don't love?  What's the point?  Jesus I wish I could overcome my physical needs right now, but I guess I've reached the brink.  So DAMN YOU: Mr. Big, all you wack ass dudes I used to jump off with, and every man who ever made me feel confused.  If you were in the desert dying of thirst I wouldn't piss in your mouth to save your life.

ABOUT THE DROUGHT

I'm experiencing a voluntary sexual drought.  It's been going on so long I can't even remember the last time (at least 5 months or more).  But I have my options, yet I still don't want to break this run I've been having because it would be a waste on someone who wouldn't really.  Never quite.  You know.  Now mind you, "Mr. Big" did "try to give me some sex" but I declined because that's the last thing we need to be re-introducing into our relationship.  So it's just kind of interesting that I haven't necessarily been backed up but I have been flirting ridiculously with one of my co-workers.  Anyhow, just thought I would share considering the hundred years rain we seem to be experiencing.  Also, new pics will be arriving soon cause I did buy a disposable camera and I'm halfway through!  Wooo!  When ya'll heffas gonna step ya'll blogging up!?

LAY IT ON THE LINE

You already know what this blog is gonna be about.  No, I'm no Carrie Bradshaw, but I do have a "no-sex" column/blog that I contribute to often.  And usually the topic is "Mr. Big."  So let's begin, shall we?  We had another infamous talk tonight.  I informed him that I had come to the conclusion that I had been putting too much accountability on him in the way of making me happy.  You don't want to hug me today?  No problem.  You feel like kissing gives me the wrong impression about our relationship?  Don't worry your pretty little head.  Cause honey, Imma find somebody that disagrees completely!  He really didn't know how to take it.  We both agree that we want to be in each other's lives, but he's not ready for a relationship.  Fine, Imma go relate to some other dudes but still be there for you, how bout that.  So no more looking for scraps of affection, I'm good.  That's not what our relationship is about right?  Riiiight.  Cause honestly, it's not about cutting him out of my life, it's about clearing up some of the static we encounter, and this is the panacea, so how you like dem apples there Mr. Bigstuff?

TASTY

Last night me and the girls went to Taste Lounge since we haven't been out in oh so long.  It was alright inside, but the music selection was a bit piss-poor in my opinion.  They did play Dutty Wine, but I was like the only person doing it, big disappointment.  Ah well, back to doing it in my closet in front of my full length mirror, coulda one ah dem!  Anywho, we had the most fun after the club when we went to White Castle to get something to drink and some milkshakes, @ first we went to McDonald's for some sundaes but the m-f-ers ain't have no sundaes, @ 2 in the a.m., how you gon be 24-hours, and run out of shit???  Anyhow we were just buggin out and it was a well needed break from the stresses of boring ass adult life and trifling ass "Mr. Big."  So yea, good times!  Tomorrow I start on The Fat Smash Diet for 9 days, so hopefully I'll lose some more weight, Oct. is steadily creeping up and I do want to look flyyy.  I was thinking about a wrap around dress (I don't even like dresses, just want to do something fresh and different).  I'll keep you abreast of how that goes.

WEEKEND UPDATE

I was supposed to pick "Mr. Big" up tonight but he sent me a text saying that he didn't need one, so I was relieved cause I was watching Inside Man, but then I got anxious and my chest got tight and I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. I think another thing that keeps me trapped in this relationship is that I feel like he's let me in and that if the relationship sours, I'll lose all the time and energy spent earning his trust and developing a sense of comfort. I guess that's what keeps a lot of people around, the investment. But I just don't know, I refuse to wear myself out obsessing over this man tonight, I have to get a life.  On another note, I'm going to buy a disposable camera and take some new pics, cause my main pic is like 2 years old. Also my "brother" KiKi from Canada is staying here for the week so I want to document the time spent, I haven't seen him since I went to Haiti two years ago. He's so cute, he looks like a chocolate ass Kobe Bryant. Anywho, where is everyone, no one's been on Myspace all weekend!

UGH.

Ugh, so here I go to pick up you know who and argue about yesterday, or not, who knows.  I'm so sick to my heart about this impending night.  The only upside to "Mr. Big" is that he makes my life interesting, but shootouts are interesting in their own, you can't look away after you've dusted yourself off from dropping to the ground, kind of way.  So whatever, life is to be lived, love is to be given, happiness comes from within and nothing is promised.  I'll let you know whahappens.

EMOTIONAL

So yea, it may be that time of the month, but that has nothing to do with what I am about to say.  As much as I love and care for "Mr. Big," almost everyday I battle with the idea of being with someone else.  Physically more than emotionally, but sometimes they can compensate for each other.  I can't keep waiting for the magical day when he's going to open his heart to me and show me the amount of affection I know I deserve.  So at this point I feel like I have all my eggs in one basket.  And the basket has been in the freezer, and my hand is getting frost bite...I feel like he needs to be in control of the pace of our relationship and always has to initiate any kind of romance, which he rarely does.  It makes me think of all the past relationships I've had, and how many were unhealthy, some were toxic, but I long for the few truly beautiful ones that made me feel so loved.   Believe me, I know that by  spending so much of my time with him and making him such an integral part of my life, I am not leaving any room for Mr. Right or anyone else for that matter, to come into my life.  But I know you can all relate to having that one person who knows your true self and brings the best of out of you, and that you have an attachment to that is so strong you don't know if you can ever pull away for good.  I think he and I need to have another "talk."  But it's like, what more can I say?  "I can't make you love me if you don't, and I can't make your heart feel, something it won't." -Can't remember who sang that song, but it's too true.